And yes, my brother is an adult who is in his 30s. (Ironically, he hardly teased me growing up. In fact, he was the one who would protect me from one of my older sisters who on her worst days threatened to throw my dolls out the window—for fun. The battles between those two, however, were quite the scene. Thank goodness we survived childhood and all still love one another.)
He’s not alone in teasing my toddler—my own husband sometimes has his fun with him as well. He too has done exactly what my brother does (what is it with sticking your face in front of a toddler that’s so hilarious?).
In my husband’s and brother’s defense, I could see why they would turn to teasing: my toddler wasn’t exactly Mr. Good Mood. When he is in one of his funky moods, he can either appear comically amusing or downright infuriating, that teasing seems the better option to getting frustrated with a stubborn child.
Still, I should have stepped in more aggressively in his defense. After all, he’s not an adult or even an older child who can retort in the same sarcastic manner. Nor are children’s ‘no’ always taken seriously. I could have switched places with my toddler or even explicitly told my brother to stop, saying, “LO already said ‘no’.” In doing so, my toddler would understand that his word can be quite powerful, and that his mom will always back him up.
Obviously I’m much more comfortable telling my husband to stop, but in social situations, even among my own family, I hesitate. I’m likely reluctant to step in because I don’t want to police everyone’s actions and learn that everyone thinks I’m that kind of parent. I don’t want to discourage others from playing with my kid or feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around him. I also don’t want to be rude. And so I stay quiet, or even laugh it off.
And more often than not, the teasing isn’t a big deal and doesn’t exasperate my toddler too much. But sometimes interactions with adults are often tricky because well, they’re adults. Handling social interactions between kids seems like a breeze in comparison. So sometimes I need to be more mindful of whether my toddler has had enough with teasing from anybody, even adults. After all, he has already taken the first step—saying ‘no’—so I need to follow up with ensuring he gets his point across.
How often do the adults in your kids’ life tease them? How do your kids react to adult teasing? When do you let it be, and when do you step in?
My poor nieces and nephews. My family (and my husband’s) are the worst for teasing! Neither my husband or I tolerate it. I immediately call the action out wherever we are.
My mom and sister were teasing my 14-year-old niece about a boy. She was outwardly getting upset and asked both of them to stop. My niece left the room and when she came back my sister started it up again. I stepped in and asked them both to stop bullying her. My mom was shocked that I considered it bullying. My sister’s response was, “But mom did it to us…it’s just what you do”. No! It’s not what you do. I said, “She’s a vulnerable teenager in a crazy world of violence and peer pressure. Please stop teasing her.”
My mother apologized and my sister rolled her eyes and then apologized. I can’t tell people what to do behind closed doors. But I cannot stand by and witness this behavior. It may be the teacher in me but I can’t stomach teasing (or bullying for that matter).
Ooh, I hadn’t even considered teasing about boys/girls, but yes I see this a lot! I think when kids get teased about boys/girls, it makes it especially awkward because these are natural feelings but they’re not sure if they’re “okay” or not. So when the teasing happens, it almost confirms that yeah, this must be something to be hush hush about.
It can totally be bullying too, albeit a bit less traumatic than maybe from other students or strangers. I also wouldn’t want kids to be teased for their appearance.
I try to monitor my daughter’s reaction and respond accordingly. If she’s uncomfortable and not expressing it, I tell her she can tell someone “no thank you.” If she’s already said she doesn’t like it, I try to reinforce her displeasure with the adult. But she’s likes some “teasing-type” games already and will often join in and do it right back so then I just continue to watch to see if it goes too far. But I agree with you that it can be hard because I too don’t want to be THAT mom.
Steph, I totally know what you mean. On one hand you want to protect them and make sure they’re not being teased incessantly, but then you also don’t want to be the Debbie Downer where no one feels like they can enjoy your daughter. I think your approach is awesome, because you’re aware that your daughter can probably “dish it out” but then you also want to make sure that she isn’t overwhelmed or it doesn’t go too far or too personal.
Luckily, none of my family members or in-laws tease little dude. I think what has helped with this is that I like to lay down what I expect from them when he’s around. I know it may sound weird but it works for us. For example, I explained to them that when little dude says “no”, they have to respect it and move on. No matter what he’s saying no to. I don’t like to sound rude or make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells like you said, but being firm and assertive from the beginning with family members and friends will help them see that a child is also a person and their feelings shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Great post! Love the new layout!
Ana, I’m glad to hear that you put your foot down and that your family hasn’t forever ostracized you haha! That’s one of my concerns, is that they’ll feel like walking on eggshells, but that’s great that you’re an example of how it can turn out just fine. I don’t think I’ve been explicit with family like that, but I do try to be mindful of defending him a bit more when he looks completely annoyed and frustrated. But like I mentioned in the post, sometimes I don’t do this enough or don’t think fast enough to come to his defense.
And thanks for digging the new layout! It’s still a work in progress but hopefully this one will stick around for the long haul. Glad you were still able to find me too—I still have to fiddle with how to make sure it comes up in email subscriptions. Sigh… the backend of blogging :/
I still get your subscriptions and you still show up on my “Blog I Follow” feed on WordPress. Are you still using WordPress or you’re self-hosted now?
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Hmm, I think my wordpress.com is still up, but moving forward I won’t be updating that one. So since it still exists, that may explain why I still show up in the blogs you follow. I’m not sure though if you would get email updates moving forward unless you sign up on the email signup I have on the new site. But yeah I’m self-hosted now and no longer on wordpress.com. We’ll see—so much of this is trial and error lol!
I have found myself in a similar situation more than once because I belong to a family that loves to “bust each other’s chops.” Lane hasn’t been the subject of any teasing yet, fortunately. But when that day comes, oh Lordy, I don’t know how I’m going to respond. But I agree with your reasoning. Our children need to know that we are in there corner.
I’d love to witness your family going at it (with adults only, of course!). Sounds like it would be a festive family gathering
i struggle with these situations too and find it hard to say stop, then feel guilty because my children are upset
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Yes, exactly! It’s either you’re the Debbie Downer who doesn’t like to have fun, or your kids are miserable. It seems like so much depends on the family dynamics, the level of teasing, and like Steph alluded to, the temperament of the kids.
I know just what you mean. We try to teach kids assertiveness and personal boundaries but have a hard time with those ourselves, especially with family.
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I have similar problems with my 3 year old. Even I’ve fallen into the trap of teasing instead of getting frustrated, and then hate myself for it. I’m really at a loss as to when to step in because I get the whole “you want him to have thick skin” thing from my mother but I know I never liked the teasing and it did make me thick skinned, to a point that I was ashamed of my emotions and still have trouble expressing my true emotions to those I care about!
Thanks for a thoughtful post.
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Hi Darlene, you bring up a good point about having a thick skin. I think it’s healthy to have a certain level of bouncing back, where we can take some heat. When we step in on our kids’ behalf, it’s more likely because our kids are outwardly irritated and the adult isn’t letting up. But I think if kids can manage on their own, then they can probably handle it to a point and the teasing isn’t as frustrating to them. I suppose our role is to find that line and come in when it’s crossed.
I like to joke around with kids and say silly, not cruel things. Often I will say, “Ready, Freddie?” to a kid as we are getting out the door. My own boys know this as a cute rhyme, but my friends son gets super offended, “My name is NOT Freddy, I am David.” Even now, at 7. Never wanting to be mean, I really attempt to curtail my vocabulary with such a literal child. As a grownup, it is my responsibility to not tease kids in a way that makes them frustrated. I don’t think it is mean to tell your family that your son doesn’t like to be teased. Explaining to them that he doesn’t understand their humor, but he does like their company isn’t rude.
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Oh wow I wonder if the easily-offended tendencies has more to do with their personalities than their environments, e.g. they got teased or messed around with often that they resort to being literal. Either way, I think that’s great that you try to be sensitive to him; I’m sure he appreciates it! But yeah I joke around and say silly things too. Most of the time my toddler is in the mood but there *have* been days where he would totally say, “Not Freddy,” lol.
There’s that fine line between having some fun and carrying it too far. I have no problem stepping in as mama bear if need be. I grew up in a very sarcastic family so sometimes the ribbing just plain makes me weary.
Kerry, that’s great that you’ll stand up for your kids right away! I imagine that the family dynamics play a huge part in it, so that if a family gets sarcastic like you mentioned, then the mama claws need to come out more often than if the sarcasm was intermittent.
I try and tell the other person that i’m not okay with it but in a light hearted way. Making a joke out of it myself. It’s not ok though to ignore our little one’s right to say no. After all, they have to listen to our no’s and be expected to respond. Their little rights are just as important. Great post!
Thanks! I think I handle this situation in the same manner as you. I don’t flat out say, “Stop teasing,” but instead imply it in a light hearted way at first. I suppose if it ever got more serious then I wouldn’t be so light, but in my case a simple, light statement will usually do the trick.
Urgh…I wish I could say I rise above it all every time Greta ticks me off. But what usually ends up happening is that my inner toddler takes the reigns and I end up taunting her right back. I know I shouldn’t stoop to her level, but, man, there is something in the core of my being that just has to tease her back sometimes. Must be some old caveman DNA sh– or something.
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You’re not alone—my husband does this too, even *after* he read this blog post lol. I think it’s the way he handles situations; he probably laughs it off more than brooding about it, but in my kid’s case, sometimes he is just not having it. Thankfully my husband doesn’t do this too often but maybe it’s his coping mechanism; toddlers are so darn hard, that sometimes teasing them is the first instinct versus yelling at them. But yeah, I’m the police in the family and do my best to stick up for my kiddo, *and* to not tease him myself (which I’ve done from time to time).
And good seeing you here again Yeti! Always good to hear from you.
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