You’re reading this post long after the day I’m writing this, which is the actual day my husband and I found out about the twins, so my emotions are, let’s say, pretty fresh and somewhat unprocessed for now. Here goes…
I was watching the monitor as my doctor performed the sonogram. “Well, I have good news…” she began, and I thought she was going to say, “…and I have bad news.” Thankfully she didn’t, but her next words surprised me just as much as she continued, “…and even better news.”And right away I saw the monitor with two black blobs. I knew before she even uttered the T-word that I was carrying two babies.
The ironic thing is that my husband is ecstatic. Even when I was pregnant with my older child, he had already been hoping for twins. “Why?!” I asked him. “Twins mean double the work, double the costs, and double the trouble.”
For the most part I’m right. Any parent of twins will tell you that it’s a boatload more work than a singleton. I approached a father of a brother-and-sister twin set and said, “Wow, you must have double the work of a single child.” And he responded, “Not double—quadruple!” I believed him instantly.
And did I mention that I already have a toddler? I would have been more okay if my first pregnancy resulted in twins. Great—two kids is a good amount; now we can get it done in one swipe. But nope, now we get to have all the fun with twins while raising a toddler as well.
Carrying twins also imposes its own set of risks to myself and the babies.
I now technically have a high-risk pregnancy for simply carrying multiples:
- I need to check in with my doctor a whole lot more frequently.
- I’m more likely to develop complications such as preeclampsia and gestational diabetes.
- I’m going to be extremely fatigued (I could already feel a difference now at seven weeks with twins compared to seven weeks with my first).
- The babies are at higher risk for being born prematurely, bringing on a slew of complications on its own.
- I can’t travel, which crushed me because I was supposed to be a bridesmaid for one of my best friends’ wedding, but which would require me to fly.
- I need to rest a whole lot more than my previous pregnancy.
So when my husband or anyone else says they hope for twins, I can’t help but think they’re crazy.
Maybe the biggest challenge I’m trying to absorb is that this goes against my plans. Yes, I plan, even with something as unpredictable as children. When my husband and I tried to conceive yet again, I was aiming for two and done. I wanted another sibling for my little guy to be a big brother to. Now we’re a family of five. Um, hello world—that’s not what I planned for (insert fist shaking at the sky)!
I’m also worried about my toddler—how will he react? Will he feel left out? I was already leafing through advice on how to introduce a new baby to your child; will it be worse with two babies? When I picked him up today, I couldn’t help but shake my head and think, as he unknowingly smiled at me, “You have no idea what’s about to happen.” I wanted to protect him from the vast changes about to happen to him, changes that he didn’t necessarily ask for.
So yes, I am freaking out. And yet I know it’s been done before by countless of other women and families. My very friend who is getting married is a twin herself, and she and her sister share a special bond that only twins will share. Heck, my little guy might even prove me wrong and be the most compliant toddler, the best big-brother helper in the world, despite two crying babies. And for all I know, this second pregnancy may go just as smooth and complication-free as my first.
I almost feel embarrassed admitting how I feel.
With the doctor and nurses repeatedly sharing their congratulations with me, I almost felt strange for not jumping with joy right along with them. I should be happy that I’m having twins, yet I’m not, not exactly. I’m scared. And I know how ridiculously ungrateful I sound, considering that so many families are trying to conceive even just one child, and here I am complaining that I’m carrying two. Still, these are my honest, initial emotions, and I won’t lie and say that I’m stumped.
So in the meantime, I’m hoping that much has transpired with my fears and anxiety from seven weeks up to the point that you’re reading this now. I wanted to capture my very real emotions and prove myself wrong—that I’m able to do this, that this is a blessing, and that maybe, double the trouble can also mean double the love. And double the family memories. And double the lessons I’m bound to learn from these two babies, these twins of mine.
To be continued: an update on how I feel about the twins these days soon to come (hint: it’s not so doom and gloom )
How did you react to the news of your pregnancy? Was your pregnancy a surprise, for whichever reason (twins, unplanned, etc.)?