“I’m available to babysit so you guys can celebrate a Valentine’s dinner,” my mom had mentioned. Valentine’s, along with other special occasions like anniversaries and work holiday parties, is one of the few opportunities my husband and I spend dressed up and out of the house after sundown. The lack of regular date nights isn’t due to a lack of sitters—we’re surrounded by family and friends who have generously kept watch over our son while we stepped out. With the importance of maintaining a happy marriage post-kids, I wondered:
Why don’t my husband and I have frequent, regular date nights? I came up with a few reasons.
- I like keeping a free calendar instead of scheduling regular date nights.
- Frequent date nights can cost money.
- Ever since our son started sleeping through the night, we’ve had pretty much every evening to ourselves. Sure, we’re at home, but those evenings give us a semblance of life without kids.
- It’s easier to drop our son off with during the day so that we can grab lunch or run an errand. Do “date days” count?
- Staying up late and partying are only fun up to the point when your kid wakes up at 7am the next day.
Whether you go out regularly or once in a while is completely up to you. Some couples may not have a plethora of available babysitters while others rely on couple time to maintain a sense of sanity in parenthood.
That said, I understand and encourage whatever date nights you can manage to make happen. Why?
- You’re reminded of your role as a partner and not just as a parent. When you have a healthy relationship first with yourself and then with your partner, that translates to a happy and healthy relationship with your kids.
- You’ll also remember to have a different kind of fun, perhaps a fun that you had forgotten. When most of your outings include trips to the zoo or even a family dinner at a restaurant—both of them fun—it’s also nice to go out to places that aren’t always suitable for kids. When my husband and I eat at restaurants, I always try to choose the least child-friendly places and wear jewelry that my kid can’t pull on!
Yet with all the importance of me time and date nights, parents shouldn’t place them so high on a pedestal that doing so causes more stress and you feel like you’re not doing enough. Sometimes it’s more difficult to find that alone time than it is to make the arrangements needed to make it possible. Sometimes it’s not affordable. Other times, there’s just no desire or energy to do so (ahem: newborn days, anyone?).
Spending time with your partner should be something you look forward to and enjoy, not something you feel obligated to do because everyone stresses that you have to find that time. No one should do anything that doesn’t reap rewards in the end.
But if there’s a desire to leave the kids home for some adult time, do it. Go all out with an elaborate date, or go simple with a movie and dinner at home. Make your time purposeful.
So… date nights: necessary or over-rated? I would say neither. To imply that a family requires date nights for its survival places too much stress and energy on outings that may not even be feasible or desirable for many couples. But to dismiss its importance would be just as silly, considering how much couples can benefit from having time away from the kids.
Instead, find what works for you and your partner. If you have no available babysitters, your date night could include ordering from your favorite restaurant and eating at your leisure once the kids are in bed. Conversely, don’t force yourself to go out just because every other couple you know seems to be partying while you’re stuck at home.
Perhaps the argument about date nights isn’t whether to make them a priority or not, but to incorporate its benefits into your lives in whichever way you can—without the obligation, and with all the fun of reconnecting.
Do you go on regular date nights or take them as they come? Are date nights necessary or over-rated? How are you able to spend alone time with your partner, if at all?
I think date nights are good for the soul : )
{both souls!} we miss our family Insta-babysitters!! ~ Takes more effort when we have to make plans for a sitter. But we don’t mind at-home dates at all.
Kerry recently posted..Blog Hop
Kerry, I think I take for granted the family I have so close by. Must go on more date nights
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
I like your approach of recognizing that sometimes forcing a date night can be more stressful than renewing. That’s how it is often in our case. Between being exhausted by the time evening rolls around, living on a tight budget, and not having many options for childcare that work for our family, date nights are indeed a rarity reserved for Valentine’s Day and perhaps one or two other times during the year. We know it won’t always be this way. Already at the cusp of 3 years old it is getting easier and easier for Eli to be watched by others and his care is leaving me less fatigued, leaving me a
Iittle more energy for the evening. But now we are about to enter the newborn stage all over again. In the grand scheme of things though these years are fleeting. We will have many, many years in the future as the children age and need us less. I think the whole idea of the date night is a wonderful one, but it just doesn’t work so well for our family at this point. Then again we may find baby #2 to be a little less intense and easy to leave in the care of others.
Karen recently posted..Eli’s Pocoyo Hat
Karen, you bring up a good point about the age of the kids. Normally whenever see friends and family going out, leaving their kids with sitters and family, the kids are usually much older, around 5 and up. Rather than stress and worry that I’m not getting enough nights out with my husband, I should also remember that it’s not always realistic, and that these folks probably had to stay in just as much as I do when their kiddos were younger.
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
We don’t have family around and with 3 kids, I need to pay a sitter for some day help! It becomes expensive to go out on date-night often. Yet, when we do go out (about once a month) it is amazing and the late arrival/6:30am wake up call is still worth it. Happy couples=happy kids.
We are thinking of a day-date (only happened once in 6 years) and a lot of couples around here do that. Living so close to NYC and people traveling for work so often, we also see couples accompanying each other on business trips. I used to go with hubby when our first born was young and was the only one around. He was my little traveling buddy then. Now, I don’t think I could stand being away from the 3. But I envy those couples that do take a mini-getaway. A good couple friend said their recent 4 day trip was the best thing for their marriage.
Betty recently posted..Over the Weekend
Betty, good idea on the business trips! I’m so jealous of couples who go on couples-only vacations. My husband and I dropped our kiddo off for a sleepover at grandma’s when we had a wedding to go to. I should do that more often and extend it beyond two days lol.
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
Great post and really a great topic to discuss! My wife and I have a soon-to-be 2-year old daughter, and in those almost two years we’ve never really had a set routine for date nights. We talk constantly about trying to set up some sort of schedule so we can do them more often, but that hasn’t happened. We both agree that date nights are great and let us spend some quality time together alone that we rarely get. But, we also really enjoy our time at home at night together, where we can relax and not worry about finding a sitter and/or family member to watch our daughter. Plus, saving the money is nice. On those rare occasions we do go out on a date night, we absolutely love them.
Nick recently posted..Do You Wanna Play Repeat? No, Do YOU Wanna Play Repeat…?
Nick, you sound like me! My husband and I don’t really schedule date nights but definitely enjoy them when they come around. Plus yes, those nights after the kiddo is asleep is nice for some peace and quiet and not having to take care of someone else.
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
After thinking some more about it, not having the routine date nights set, I think it allows us to kind of enjoy the rare occasions we do go out. We’re lucky enough to have my wife’s family live close by to babysit, and my family isn’t far either. That sure makes things a bit easier!
Nick recently posted..Do You Wanna Play Repeat? No, Do YOU Wanna Play Repeat…?
I know what you mean, Nick. I’d hate to pay a sitter, so I know I’m very fortunate to have free ones living nearby
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
They are totally essential, even if they are just “dates in,” which is what we do frequently. If your relationship with your spouse isn’t tight, you’re not doing your children any favors. Staying in love and together gives them the best possible life chances. Don’t let yourselves (in the general sense) get to the point of saying, “All we have in common any more is the kids”!
Betsy at Parenting is Funny recently posted..Backseat copper
Good point, Betsy. I have this hierarchy of happiness where I believe that we first have to love ourselves, and only then will we have loving partners. And then we secondly have to love our partners, and only then will we have happy kids. I think kids benefit tremendously when they see their parents getting along well.
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
My husband and I do go out on date nights pretty regularly and they work well for us. They can get expensive, though (we don’t live near any family so we have to pay for a sitter), and I agree that, once the kids are in bed, it is possible to spend plenty of quality time together. We have to get better, though, about actually attending to each other and not just watching TV next to each other or staring into our respective laptops on opposite ends of the couch – kind of like what we’re doing now, actually!
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..My Next Big Thing
Kristen, LOL! That’s what my husband and I are doing right now too, couch and everything! It’s okay, at least we’re still talking over our laptops
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
Nina-
We don’t get nearly enough of them, but, trust me, date nights are vitally important. Even if we just go out shopping together or something on a day date, sometimes just a few hours without the wee ones is heaven-sent!!
Yeti9000 recently posted..Oscar Nominees 2013
Oh I totally know what you mean, Yeti. The other weekend, my mom stopped by so my husband and I spent the day doing random things, like going to the mall to get a shirt, or stopping by a hamburger joint. Of course my mind was half the time on the kiddo, but that’s a whole other skill I need to master!
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
I like your take on this. For us, getting a babysitter is the biggest challenge (no family nearby and friends have their own kids to look after). We’ve taken to scheduling dates in after the kids are in bed, and we do sometimes hire a babysitter for a middle-of-the-day-on-Saturday date – not standard timing, but that’s what works for us.
maryanne @ mama smiles recently posted..RSV and Keeping Kids Healthy
Yeah, our Valentine’s dinner will probably be after the kiddo is asleep just so that we can still handle bath and bedtimes. And I am all for “date days” too
Nina recently posted..Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?
We don’t go out much often for the same reasons as you. My toddler is in bed by 8pm so we usually watch a movie together at home. I also work 4 days a week and just feel exhausted if I have to get ready to go out and feel the last few hours with my daughter is really rushed. I just want to spend as much time with her and my husband nowadays.
Sass recently posted..Hola Holographics
We’re finally watching The Hunger Games on DVD after the little guy is asleep
Nina recently posted..Mommy track: On women, careers and “giving it up” for motherhood