When my son was younger, you would often find me at the playground, narrating most of his actions and our environment. “Look at the sun—it’s so bright!… You’re playing with the sand… Wee! This swing is so fun!” and so forth.
I would also climb up the playground equipment with him. He seemed so small, I figured; and so, with my hands spotting his every action, I climbed up, protecting him.
To others around, I probably looked like the typical helicopter mom, hovering over her kid and maybe hoping that all this narrating is turning her son into a child genius. Or perhaps they saw me as the parent unwilling to let my child explore on his own.
To an extent, some of this helicopter parenting was for good reason. During that age, my son had a slight speech delay. At 15 months, he still wasn’t saying any coherent words, and we had learned that one of the best ways to encourage language was to speak to him. And so I made it a mission to talk to him more often, even if I looked like an over-obsessive mom.
As far as staying no farther than a foot away from him, the playground equipment had no rails. And while I’m sure he wouldn’t have fallen, to a first-time-mom, anything five feet high with no rails screams immediate danger of falling.
I had my reasons, and I stuck to them.
The unfortunate thing was that I started judging others different from me.
I judged the mom who sat on the bench while her son played—gasp!—over 50 feet away from her. “Seems lazy,” I would think. “She’s completely ignoring her son and not engaging him whatsoever.” I judged the other mom who talked on the phone while her kids played in the sand. “What kind of example is she setting?” I would tsk tsk.
It’s embarrassing to admit all this, especially now that I realize the importance of independent play and can often be found not only sitting on the playground bench, but fiddling with my phone at the same time. I now know that allowing kids plenty of time to play independently helps build their focus, teaches them self-sufficiency when they master something all on their own, and offers a reprieve from being under a watchful eye as kids often are.
Looking back at how easily I concocted assumptions about other moms, I concede that I had a case of “I’m better than you.” And for all I know, maybe they were the worst moms in the world, but more than likely, that mom wasn’t being lazy—maybe she wanted her son to learn how to play on his own, to make friends with the other kids and to explore his surroundings in ways he couldn’t if his mom was constantly hovering over his shoulder.
I also now know that parents need to focus on themselves too. Perhaps the mom on the phone runs her own business, and this is one of the few chances she has to catch up with her phone calls and emails while still managing to be with her kids during that day. And that she’s even fortunate to be able to work and take care of her children at the same time, even if it means being on the phone while the kids play. Or maybe she needed a break as all moms do.
Because just as I had my reasons to narrate and hover, I’m pretty sure these moms had their own reasons for parenting the way they do.
Ironically, I started to value hands-off parenting, doing the very things I so quickly judged earlier in my parenting journey. And the biggest lesson for me? Don’t judge. Most parents have a reason for everything, and what works for one family may not work for another. Some may still be figuring out this whole parenting business, while others flat-out know that this is how they’d rather parent.
Because for all we know, we may just find ourselves on the other side, sitting on the park bench checking our email.
Have you found yourself judging other parenting methods? Have you ironically started doing the very things you once used to judge?
Oh, man…I am the king of playground judgement! Which doesn’t make any sense, since I am so often the one being judged when I’m there. I know playground judgement should know no gender, but, I have found that many more moms judge the dads out there than the other way around. I can’t tell you how many horrified looks I’ve gotten from moms when Greta falls or something. And while I know most of that dates back to outdated stereotypes about dads not being as good with the kids as moms, it still sucks to feel that burning judgement. That said, judging the hell outta everyone at the park is one of my favorite playground activities. Ha! Oh well, nobody’s perfect…
Yeti9000 recently posted..The New Normal
Lol! There was this blog post making its rounds recently about how people are butting in more and more into other parents’ business at the playground, not knowing that maybe some parents want kids to figure it out for themselves, or don’t want them going down the slide, etc. To your credit, I have also seen my fair share of craziness at the playground!
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
I think we are all sensitive to feeling the burn of others judgement and guilty of judging in return. It takes a conscious effort to not fall into those patterns of thinking and relating to those around us, and yet it is so important that we do so. One of the things that surprised me most upon becoming a mother was how quick those who I thought would be supportive because we were all involved in similar struggles were to criticize and condemn. I decided I don’t want to be like that, but it is a decision that must be made regularly as it is so easy to look at the surface, at what seems to be happening, and develop negative opinions. One thing that I remind myself of often is that even in cases where what I am witnessing is not in the best interest of the child no matter how you look at it, such as a mother screaming at a child, I don’t know what kind of pressures and stress that mother is under. Perhaps her husband was just deployed and she’s beyond overwhelmed… So many possible scenarios. My judgement, even if seemingly well deserved, will do nothing to improve the lot of that child. It will just make the mother more defensive, angry and overwhelmed and lead to a greater loss of patience for her child. Showing her kindness however may take an edge off her burden. It may make her stop to watch my interactions with my child without being blinded by a filter of defensiveness and perhaps notice a parenting technique that can help her by-pass a battle of wills with her child in the future. We can support other mothers without being supportive of parenting techniques that make us cringe. We really aren’t there to grade each other. Outside outright abuse, another families parenting isn’t really our business at all. And in showing kindness to those who may not seem like they “deserve” it we are being a positive role model for our children.
Karen I love your comment so much I had to tweet about it lol. You say so many important points here, from not jumping to conclusions re: even less-than-desirable situations (e.g. the mother yelling may be at her wit’s end and this is a chance encounter), that judging doesn’t do anything to improve the lot of that child, and that the opposite—showing compassion—does so much more.
I also love this: “We can support other mothers without being supportive of parenting techniques that make us cringe.” I always thought that so long as you’re not abusing or neglecting your kids, you’re probably doing a fine job overall and it’s really no one’s place to decide how well you’re parenting.
Love it, Karen. Thanks so much for such an insightful response; I truly appreciate your words.
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
I have been on both sides of the judgement fence, absolutely. Perhaps now more than ever I feel watching eyes on me as I face the challenges of disciplining a strong willed two and half year old. Maybe I am a bit sensitive because I don’t feel confident in what I am doing and often my sons behaviour can be embarrassing. So I tend not to judge other parents on their discipline, or their child’s occasional bad behaviour. I have however been guilty of judging other parenting on other parenting challenges, despite my own internal reprimands.
Great, thought-provoking post as always Nina. Hope you are keeping well.
x Laura
Laura @ The Monster & Me recently posted..5/52
I hear you, Laura. My kiddo can throw a mean tantrum in public, complete with the loudest voice you’ll ever hear, so I can relate to the embarrassment and general stress this can cause. It would be so much more helpful if, when that happens, I could remove every watchful gaze out of sight so that I could focus on my kid, and literally that’s the mental process going through my head as I just have to not care what others are seeing. Thankfully now that he’s getting to be 3+ the tantrums aren’t as intense or frequent as when he was younger, although I already know they’re not gone forever.
And yes, even though I say we shouldn’t judge, I think it’s part of our nature, and we just have to have an internal dialogue in our heads and assume the best in the other parent’s scenario. It’s pretty hard though with some of the crazy things people do, but I try to think, “Well, what is it to me anyway?”
And thanks for asking about me
At just a few weeks away, I’m having a difficult time with this twin pregnancy. I have to take it day by day, hour by hour sometimes, and I don’t normally complain lol.
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
Oh we’ve all been there! I have judged others (thank goodness it was silently!) only to realize later what a dope I was.
I gave my first son a lot of independent play when I got pregnant with my twins, more than i would have otherwise but twin pregnancies are HARD! I then got judged A LOT when the twins were just over a year and I found myself pregnant again and giving them the opportunity to explore playgrounds on their own. They were able to climb ladders and equipment kids older than them couldn’t but other parents looked at me as negligent. Ah well.
Judging isn’t always a bad thing as long as we accept that there are other possibilities (as you stated). After all, it takes all types to make the world!
Mia recently posted..Granola!
Mia I heard that twins are by default forced to do a lot of independent play and hands-off parenting because there literally isn’t as much time to fawn over them as you would say, an only child or the only baby. We just don’t have as many hands to tend to them all at the same time
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
I’ve come to the conclusion that there are just as many ways to parent as there are parents, and that those parenting styles shift slightly even among children in the same family. When my oldest falls or hurts herself, it’s best to leave her alone. If you try to comfort her, she freaks out more. The second child needs to be coddled. The way they handle discipline and the way to discipline them effectively also depends on the child. Every parent has to adapt to what works for them and their child. We can never judge because we can never know or fully understand another parent’s situation, but of course, I’ve found myself being judgmental of other moms, too. It almost seems like it’s built into us, and we have to fight hard to overcome it. So long as every mom is doing what she feels is best, she is being a good mom. End of story.
Betsy at Parenting is Funny recently posted..Probably not future nuns
Betsy my kiddo sounds like your oldest, where he’d rather deal with his hurts in private than have people make a big hooplah about it. It’s true that each kid has their own custom-built ways of being parented, and how easy it is to assume that someone isn’t caring when she doesn’t rush to comfort her kid that just fell.
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
Guilty – though I actually think I’m getting better at being less judgmental the longer I’m a parent. When my oldest was a baby, I tried to be so by the book that I was judgmental of anyone doing things differently. My behavior spoke to my own insecurities. As I got more experienced as a mom and had more kids, I realized, as Betsy said above, that there are so many different good ways to raise a kid and what works for one of my kids won’t necessarily work for the other – let alone someone else’s! Interestingly, getting to know so many different moms from so man different places through blogging helped me become less judgmental. That’s been one of blogging’s big gifts for me.
Kristen @ Motherese recently posted..This is Four
Kristen, I totally agree that meeting so many different moms through blogging has opened my eyes and made me less judgmental, especially when you hear their ‘whys’ and are able to express your own. I think I was by the book too and it took me a while to even listen to other people’s advice, but the more I got into this parenting thing, the more I realized that there’s so much more to learn and apply.
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
I’ve been guilty of playground judgment, and actually judgment of all sorts. But my judgment took the form of cultural insensitivity and general judgmental assholery. Before I had kids, I really took issue with how Chinese parents would deflect compliments to their kids, or allow them to run around like banshees. When my girl was born, I saw mothers in Japan keeping their babies flat on their backs for such long periods that they developed flat patches on their heads, or kept their kids up till 11 at night, or sent toddlers to school in the middle of winter with shorts on. Until I realised that there are cultural reasons behind all of these practices, and parenting practices that we westerners hold to be absolute truths are not in fact truths, but cultural constructs.
That incessant chattiness you spoke of, I did that with my kid for the first 18 month or so, until I realised that it was making me (an her!!) nuts. And none of the Japanese mothers around me engaged in that sort of thing.
It took a while, but finally I was able to accept that there are as many ways to parent as there are babies to be parented. That’s become my mantra.
I like that mantra Erica; similar to what Betsy said above. I totally get you about cultural judgments. I’ve done the same even within our own families, where I scoffed at ideas only later on to realize that maybe they had a point after all!
Nina recently posted..The irony of judging other moms
Love this post! So honest. I’ve been there!! “…to a first-time-mom, anything five feet high with no rails screams immediate danger of falling” – totally!! Enjoying your posts a lot
Pam recently posted..I’m grateful 6/52
Thanks, Pam! It’s so true, isn’t it? Those kids just look like they’re ready to fall without those rails lol.
Nina recently posted..PUPPPs: The most cruel trick on pregnant women (pregnancy update)