9 Warning Signs You’re Raising a Spoiled Kid
Tired of your child’s behavior? Discover 9 warning signs you’ve been spoiling her too much (plus everything you need to know to turn things around).
No parent intentionally sets out to raise spoiled kids. Maybe you want to provide your child the financial comforts you never had, or a busy work schedule makes you feel guilty for not spending enough time with her. Giving in seems much easier than putting your foot down, especially when you’re exhausted.
But taken too far, you might realize you’ve got a bigger problem on your hands than you anticipated.
The first step is to be aware. The earlier you can spot the warning signs, the quicker and easier it is to steer course. Take a look at the following telltale signs you’re raising a spoiled child—and how to turn things around:
Table of Contents
1. You give in to your child’s every request
Have you had one of those days where you’re too tired to be on your A-game?
Maybe you just came home from a long, I-had-to-skip-lunch-and-now-I’m-hungry day at work. Or you’re not in the mood to deal with yet another tantrum about eating a snack 30 minutes before dinner.
Other times, you’re driven by the desire to make your child happy. Tossing a toy into the shopping cart doesn’t seem like much harm done, especially when you can afford it easily.
Except giving in to her every request doesn’t put her best interests first. This teaches her that she can get anything she wants, an unrealistic expectation not only from you but from others she’ll meet in the real world.
She’ll learn that she only needs to whine, pout, throw a fit, or make another person uncomfortable enough to cave into her wishes. This clearly isn’t a healthy way to begin future relationships she’ll have later in life.
She won’t learn how to listen to another person’s point of view or understand the logic and reason behind decisions. Instead, she’ll only focus on her wants.
Giving in to every request doesn’t establish the boundaries she needs. It may look like she wants you to cave in, but deep down, she truly wants a parent who can stand up to her tantrums and remain strong and consistent.
Free resource: Want to know how to unspoil your child? Despite what it sometimes feels like, you’re not stuck living this way. Grab How to Unspoil Your Child—at no cost to you. Plus, you’ll also get my newsletters, which parents say they LOVE:
2. You deliver empty threats
It’s easy to see why we threaten our kids with extreme consequences, like not going to Disneyland or throwing away all their toys.
We’re tired and react instead of pausing to see whether this is even the most effective or respectful way to speak. Other times, we feel threatened when they don’t listen and try to up the ante by saying something extreme. And sometimes, it just seems like nothing else will get through.
But empty threats hold no value. We say them when we’ve reached our limits or are too tired to think properly. We don’t consider their point of view or how we might be making the situation worse.
Empty threats might work the first or second time before our kids call our bluff. They’ll no longer take our word or believe we’ll follow through with what we say.
And at the end of the day, no parent wants the kind of relationship that relies on empty threats just to get anything done. Focus instead on mutual respect and communication, not commanding orders or bossing your child around.
3. You’re inconsistent with expectations
Despite his demands, your child wants you to establish expectations and enforce consequences.
Maybe you told him to stop jumping in the living room when just yesterday you created an obstacle course using couch cushions and pillows. Or you don’t always address the times he hits his siblings, getting down on him one day, only to brush it off the next.
It’s unfair to expect him to know what to do when you’ve been inconsistent with what you expect and how you respond to his behavior. He’s confused when his responsibilities aren’t clear or if you don’t always follow through with consequences.
This can make him feel anxious about the rules that seem to flip-flop all the time. With no expectations in place, he doesn’t know how you want him to behave or what’s acceptable or expected from him.
Instead, be consistent, even if it means upsetting him or dealing with a meltdown. Despite what he says, he needs you to hold your ground to guide his behavior and decisions.
4. You shield your child from difficult emotions
No parent wants to see her child deal with difficult emotions and experiences, but sometimes we take it too far.
We can be so hung up on pleasing our kids that we try to shield them from every disappointment and boredom. We want them to be happy all the time, so much so that seeing them hurt or upset pains us. And sometimes we’d rather cave in than let them have a meltdown or deal with their frustration.
So, we give them toys when they’re bored or reassure them they’re still the best even though they lost a game or competition. And when their ice cream cone falls to the ground? We’d rather walk all the way back to the store and get another one than see them throw a fit.
Even with the best of intentions, shielding them from difficult emotions can do a greater disservice to them.
Protected from difficulties, your child can’t learn from these experiences or develop the valuable life skills to bounce back. Instead, she’ll have a hard time dealing with moments like these and will try to avoid—rather than face—them.
Perhaps the worst consequence? She’ll lack faith in herself that she has the characteristics of a resilient child strong enough to get through these challenges. She’ll doubt how she’ll ever get through them when she’s never had to before.
Life has its ups and downs. Rather than trying to protect her from the inevitable difficulties in life, show her how to cope and get through them. And explain that all emotions come and go, including difficult ones she’ll eventually overcome.
5. You overindulge with material items
We all want the best for our kids, from experiences we never had growing up, to a lifestyle we want them to enjoy.
Maybe you want your child to stay current with trends her peers rave about or you can afford to provide for them with no problem. You even enjoy the process of giving gifts and relish in her reaction and joy.
But taken too far, overindulgence of material items can be one of the telltale signs of a spoiled kid.
One downside of having too many toys is that it can prevent her from appreciating what she has. With so many things to choose from and an endless supply, she isn’t able to express gratitude or see the generosity of others. After all, it’s pretty hard to cherish one special stuffed animal when 50 others are piled in her room with little regard.
Giving too many things also raises unrealistic expectations. Finding joy from “external” sources like lavish gifts forces you to up the ante when the initial buzz fizzles away. She might expect these gifts as the norm, rather than the exception.
And finally, you risk tying her joy with receiving gifts and not to the relationships and simple pleasures that matter most. You focus on the item rather than the thought behind it.
One alternative? Focus on experiences instead of material gifts. Studies have shown that giving kids experiences over material items provides more happiness. According to The Atlantic:
“Over the past decade, an abundance of psychology research has shown that experiences bring people more happiness than do possessions.”
Rather than the latest toy, take her to a beach outing, and instead of 10 holiday gifts, give a few and participate in holiday traditions.
6. You need to bribe your child to get things done
Getting kids to listen isn’t always easy for many parents. Your child resists putting on his shoes or takes his good ol’ time coming to the door. Whining and complaining have been more common and you find yourself taking a whole hour to leave the door.
It’s tempting to lure him with a bribe: “Hurry and put on your shoes and we’ll get candy at the store,” you might say.
But there are many reasons you shouldn’t rely on bribes. For one thing, they’re a short-term solution that can backfire. As they become the norm, he’ll come to expect them before agreeing to do the task. Motivation wanes each time you need to convince him to agree to the bribe.
He’ll also seek joy in external, not internal, rewards. You’ve trained him to expect something in exchange for a task he should be expected to do and perhaps even enjoy and take pride in. For instance, he should clean his room so that he can enjoy a clean room and feel proud of himself—not to get a new toy.
And finally, bribes don’t nurture a sense of goodwill or instill the values you want to teach. Cleaning his room and doing helpful tasks should be the right thing to do, even without a bribe.
7. You don’t teach manners and courtesy
Manners can be easily overlooked, especially if you’re bogged down with monitoring your child’s behavior. It’s hard to remind her to say “please” and “thank you” when you can barely convince her to take a bath and go to sleep.
But manners and behavior go hand in hand. Showing good manners isn’t about raising goody two-shoes or robotic children for show. Instead, saying “please” and “thank you” instills a sense of gratitude, while “sorry” offers a way for her to show remorse.
Manners go beyond saying the “magic words,” too. Teaching courtesy means she doesn’t always run to be the first in line or hog all the food at a party. She knows that being silly and loud isn’t appropriate when her little sister is in tears and understands she can’t always get what she demands.
8. You allow your child to disrespect you
You may have seen it: The child who speaks rudely to his mom as she helps him with homework or the one who insults and terrorizes her parents. Talking back and being rude are some of the biggest signs you’re raising a spoiled kid.
While kids have valid reasons for being upset, it’s still unfair to them to allow them to speak to their parents that way.
For one thing, they don’t learn a better way to communicate. However valid their reasons may be, they’re not held accountable or shown how to communicate calmly.
Talking back also creates a rift in the parent-child relationship. It’s much harder to have any influence on your child when he can treat you with a lack of respect.
He doesn’t have any boundaries and may likely continue to push your buttons until you erupt. The lack of boundaries invites him to insult others in ways he never knew he wasn’t supposed to.
Allowing him to disrespect you doesn’t model how a person ought to be treated. As parents, we need to respect ourselves enough to expect a certain way to be spoken to. Kids can disagree with us, but they should do so respectfully, as we would to them.
9. Your child has too much say in family life
Does your child decide you’re going to eat at her favorite restaurant… again?
Giving choices is healthy, so long as the options are parent-approved and child-appropriate. Choosing her outfit is one thing, but turning the master bedroom into her room is another. Yes, welcome her opinion, but don’t bow to her pleading and whining.
Why? It’s not her place to make all the decisions—that’s your responsibility. In fact, giving her decision-making power reserved for adults is far from helping her feel empowered. Instead, she’ll feel burdened with a responsibility that shouldn’t fall on her shoulders in the first place.
Kids also don’t have the family’s best interests in mind when making decisions the way you and I do. If it were up to them, many would prefer to eat fast food and ice cream every day, a choice that wouldn’t help with their health at all.
The bottom line
Spoiling our kids is often the quick fix that seems to solve the problem now. But doing so denies them lifelong lessons, like developing resilience, coping with disappointment, and showing empathy to others. Our job isn’t to stop tantrums or whining—it’s to raise future adults ready to face a world that won’t always bend to their whims when they grow up.
Deep down, they want us to be parents. We’re not doing them any favors by being anything else.
Get more tips:
- How to Tell Grandparents to Stop Spoiling Your Kids
- 3 Warning Signs You’re Raising Narcissistic Children
- 5 Maya Angelou Quotes About Parenthood
- How to Practice Minimalism with Kids
- The Biggest Reason Parents Should Stand Their Ground
Don’t forget: Join my newsletter and grab your copy of How to Unspoil Your Child—at no cost to you: