Why You Should Intervene when Adults Overwhelm Your Child

Have you had to step in when adults overwhelm your child? It may feel awkward or frustrating, but here’s why you need to intervene—and how.

Adults Overwhelm Your ChildImagine a family party and everyone is playing with the younger member, a two-year-old child. Grandpa is bouncing her up in his arms in what started as a game but has now been too much for her. Unfortunately, grandpa is oblivious to her irritation and thinks she’s still having a blast.

How do you know when to intervene with family and friends—adults who may overwhelm your child but not know it?

It’s tricky dealing with family and friends with setting boundaries for many reasons:

  • You may not be close to everyone. Sure, you can tell your mom to back off, but what about a distant aunt or your co-worker’s husband? You may not feel as frank with them as you would those closest to you.
  • Some people can be easily offended. We all know people we skirt around or phrase our words carefully. One word or action can offend them and cause tensions, even if your intention isn’t to.
  • You want people to feel comfortable. People might start feeling like they’re walking on eggshells around you. You want to stand up for your child without being that person who scares people into thinking you might make a big fuss.
  • People disregard your requests. Some people, despite your constant interventions, continue to disregard what you say. They might think you’re making a big deal out of nothing, or that they know what they’re doing. You might even feel like they’re parenting your kids.

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Why you should intervene when adults overwhelm your child

Despite the challenges you face with intervening with adults, doing so is crucial. Take a look at several compelling reasons why and how to help your child cope:

  • Young kids can’t speak for themselves. Infants and toddlers can’t say they aren’t enjoying the hugs they’re forced to give or that they don’t want raspberries blown on their bellies. Even kids slightly older may not know it’s okay to speak up, or don’t know how to phrase their big feelings and emotions correctly.
  • Adults don’t always take kids seriously. Even if your overwhelmed child can tell others to stop, adults can still assume that they know best. They might brush her frustration off or continue to laugh at her expense. They don’t see how her tantrums and meltdowns are connected to feeling overwhelmed.
  • Your child feels reassured of your support and trust. It’s tough facing adults, so when she sees you stepping in on her behalf, she knows you’ve got her back. You’re reinforcing the trust she has placed in you.
  • You know your child best. What seems like fun to others can feel embarrassing or cause panic to your child. Some kids can feel anxious or withdrawn when they’re the center of attention. What works for one child may not work for another, and you’re the best judge of how much yours can take.

Get more tips about dealing with anxiety in children.

Anxiety in Children

Typical scenarios you might need to step in

So, when are some of the instances when adults can overwhelm your kids? Take a look at these common scenarios to watch out for:

  • Tickling: Kids can still laugh even if they’ve stopped enjoying being tickled. That’s why you sometimes see the laughs turn into tears because they’ve had too much.
  • Roughhousing: Adults may not listen to your child when she’s had enough. Grandpa could be having the time of his life raising her in his arms up in the air, unaware that she’s terrified.
  • Teasing: Teasing can be banter between adults and kids or among young children, but it can also be one-sided entertainment at the child’s expense. I once saw an adult poke fun at my son while he remained completely clueless. Before it could go any further, I told my son, “He’s teasing” to make sure the adult didn’t continue.

Adults Tease Your Child

  • Forcing kids to take a photo: With smartphones and social media, kids only know a world filled with photos galore. And while they often let us take their photos, sometimes it’s the last thing they want to do. Well-meaning adults can force them to stand in front of the camera, pressuring them to smile.
  • Forcing kids to kiss and hug everyone: In many families, good manners mean hugging every adult, regardless of how the child feels. I’ve moved away from this tradition and instead invite my kids to give kisses and hugs if they want to. They usually enjoy doing so on their own and can settle for high-fives when they’re not in the mood. Honoring your child’s emotional and physical boundaries reminds him that his body is his. Rather than forcing him to hug, encourage him, model it yourself, and give him an option if he doesn’t feel like it. He’s not being rude and shouldn’t feel shame. Instead, he should want to hug others without his parents forcing him to.

Reasons Your Child Doesn't Have to Hug Everyone

Conclusion

Intervening when adults overwhelm your child can be tricky, but doing so is important. Your child may not be able to speak up for herself or feel that she can. These moments can feel like stressful experiences for her. Even if she does, adults may not always take her seriously enough to stop.

She’ll also feel reassured that you have her back, no matter what. And finally, you know her best—while another child could flourish with the attention, yours may not.

It’s a tough balance between stepping on others’ toes and telling them “that’s enough.” But if she isn’t having a good time, feels frustrated, or is the object of others’ laughter, then step in.

Because if not you, then who?

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18 Comments

  1. Jannel Morris says:

    This is a great article, but I have a question. What if it is the parents doing the teasing of the child? I have a 4 year old Niece who is constantly teased by her parents (mom and dad) and besides stick up for her some there is not much I feel like I can do. If I say to much I face not being able to see my Niece again therefore I would not be able to do anything to help her. I Cannot get any one else involved because teasing is hard to prove and not “life threatening”. What should I do for my Niece and the teasing she faces?

    Sincerely,
    Concerned Tita/Aunt

    1. I would shower your niece with love and stick up for her once in a while, or even tell the parents in jest to stop it.

  2. My mom stayed with us for a few days recently, trying to help us out (bless her heart), and I noticed that she “tries” to play with my boys, but she doesn’t really play WITH them, so much as she takes over, insists on doing something else, and keeps trying to pull them into it. You know, the, “Hey, look at what Grammy is doing over here with the blocks! Doesn’t this look like fun?!” And the 5 year-old is like, “But Grammy, I thought you were going to play cars with me?” Fortunately, mine are old enough and bold enough to stand up for themselves, and eventually, they just stopped trying to play with her, which was sad for her, but totally deserved. She wasn’t respecting them as human beings with desires, just trying to direct their every move. Now, on one of the days that she was here, we had a few other kids over for a little Lego Camp, and, when she tried to do this with them, I stepped in. They had just settled in and started building, and she kept interrupting them to talk about how great their clothes were. I was like, “Please don’t distract them right now. They’re trying to concentrate on what they’re doing.” And of course she got offended. But she used to be a teacher! She should know better!

    1. I can imagine how frustrating that could be! Seems like you know her intentions are in the right place though. But still, that doesn’t make it any easier. It’s funny seeing how other adults interact with kids with their own agenda. That’s great though that you’re able to step in and set it straight!

  3. We teach our kids to use the word “stop” when they are done with tickling/roughhousing/etc… As it is our practice at home that we quit the minute we hear that word, it is then fairly easy when out of the house to tell other adults or older children, “[our child] is saying ‘stop’ – that is our ‘it’s too much now’ word.” A lot of people I encounter are used to hearing “stop” as a teasing, but not really meant, but I’ve never dealt with anyone who didn’t comply once they understood how we use it with our kids.

    I also don’t feel bad asking others to take their loud/scary/etc objects away or tone them down for my sensitive kiddos – I just tell them how much it hurts my kids, and ask them to wait or move to another spot if I can’t move my kids myself. Our kids deserve to be respected!

    1. Awesome tip with teaching your kids ‘stop,’ Jen! I should do that with my kids. My husband tends to be the tickler and roughhouser, and he’ll usually stop when the kids say stop. If he doesn’t or doesn’t hear them, then I’ll pipe in and say, “He said ‘stop'” so that our kids know we value it when they say no or stop.

  4. This is good, but something that would be helpful are some catch phrases or even some suggestions of what we can say to these adults overwhelming our kids. We know we need to say something, but what exactly? And how?

    1. Krista, that would make a great follow up post 😉

      But in general, I think it really does depend on the situation and the people. Family dynamics differ so much. Personally, I resort first to humor, and if that doesn’t get the point across, I say the reason and assert myself more.

  5. My father in law like to call his grandchildren names.
    Things like “you are a Jam Tart” or “you are a Cake”.

    I am not sure the kids understand it, and it seems like an insult and I can only see it as one-sided rather than a shared joke. It makes me uncomfortable and I cannot see it as positive for the receiving child.

    What is your opinion on this when grand parents call children names that are not understood by the child?

    Harmless teasing, or should I step in?

    1. Hi Mike, thanks for your comment.

      Without knowing your father-in-law, I would guess that a few things are happening: one, I think he means well. I don’t think he’s purposefully saying those names as a way to insult the kids. On the other hand, I also don’t think he “gets” that his jokes aren’t all that funny and can even be confusing to the kids. Because like you mentioned, he’s the only one getting a laugh out of it.

      That you’re uncomfortable with it makes me think you can jokingly or lightheartedly say something in response. I don’t think there’s a need for a ‘serious talk,’ but if it were me, I’d say something in a funny way like, “Jam Tart? I don’t know, I think he only goes by ‘John’.”

      But you’re the best judge of the situation. There have definitely been people in my life who, despite my joking or hints, just don’t get it. And I’ve accepted that it doesn’t do too much harm to my kids, and that’s just how they are. We all have those relatives with weird quirks that drive us bonkers from time to time 😉

  6. I tend to stand up for the boys, We have sensory and social issues and believe me other people don’t understand. Young or old I’ve had people give out to me for the way the boys behave or the way I deal with them but I’m noticing more and more we don’t mix with those people as much any more and as there’s nothing in it for them they don’t tend to push it anymore either. They don’t get a kick out of it if I say politely ‘no we don’t do it like that with the boys’ or ‘no we don’t do that in this house’. We do see more of our family and friends who are the same as us and who believe the same as us that we need to watch and listen to small people to keep them calm and not upset them. thank you for a great post!

    1. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to constantly have to defend and stand up for your boys because of sensory and social issues! It’s so easy for folks to assume that they know what they’re doing, isn’t it? I’ve always believed every family is different and what works for one may not work for another. Glad that you’ve found a supportive group who know better!

  7. I have this problem with my inlaws. They don’t get to see my kids (22 months, 3 weeks) very often and they are often quite smothering. My FIL likes to wind my toddler up to the point of hysterics, while my MIL is constantly in his face about everything (physically and verbally), and keeps the newborn from me. We’re quite laid back at home and, while I supervise to make sure he doesn’t terrorize the dog too much, I generally leave my toddler to go about his own business, so he’s not used to the constant interaction. He tries to get away when he’s had enough, but they are so persistent that he’ll generally end up seeking protection from me (aka “playing shy”). You can’t say anything to them, though, or decline a visit (especially from my MIL), because then we’re “keeping [their] grandkids from [them]”.

    1. Oh my goodness Christie your kids are like mine lol! We’re very laid back and give our kids lots of room to do their thing. Then we go to a family party and it’s all chaos haha. Or sometimes in my early days with my eldest, he’d get passed around and turns out he hasn’t slept in hours.

      We’ve had to remind them a lot to give them space. And eventually the kids will warm up on their own. You know your kids best, so don’t feel bad if you have to interject. I try to do it in a friendly tone, and not accusatory or ‘strict.’ Most people get it and understand why I ask them not to rile them up too much. But I agree, I also know some people where they can take it soooo personally if you so much as say anything about it to them.

      Another thing you can try is to let them know that your eldest likes to sit and read, or he likes to do something quiet, almost like giving your in-laws a quiet ‘assignment’ they can do with him while not assuming he’s all about a tickle-fest or loud hysterics.

      I suppose you can rest assure that it’s fairly rare that they do it and not every weekend!

  8. Christina says:

    Do you have advice for how to go about stepping in? My inlaws feel that as grandma and grandpa they should gets hugs and kisses no matter what and they are the type that will be very offended if I step in even gently. At the same time though, I don’t want my children thinking they ever have to be physically affectionate and have no choice, no mate who it is

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Christina,

      I actually wrote a whole post on why we shouldn’t force kids to hug and kiss, even relatives (https://sleepingshouldbeeasy.com/3-reasons-kid-doesnt-have-hug-everyone/). My family is the same—it’s the norm for children to hug and kiss everyone, but like you, I don’t want my kids to feel like they have no choice. I do step in if they look like they’re overwhelmed. But before that, I also try to model it for them. So I’ll hug and greet everyone else. I’ll encourage my kids to do the same and ask them if they’d like to hug, but I don’t force it. If they’re adamant about not wanting to hug, I’ll ask if they’d like to give a high-five instead.

      And if they really don’t want to do that, I’ll tell my relatives, “He’s not in the mood right now. Maybe later.” It can be tough balancing social etiquette and customs with our kids’ needs. I try to cater to both, but if it comes down to it, I usually side with my kids’ needs 🙂

      Nina

  9. We get this with ‘spoiling’ our children with gifts or sweets. The adult relative doesn’t see how giving nice things can possibly be wrong, but the children feel obliged to accept and act pleased, and this can trigger a lot of anxiety and disappointment over unwanted gifts, and too many sweets result in hyperactivity followed by tears and tummy-ache – definitely not a “treat” for a child! It is very difficult to get around this when the adult will give the things directly to the children, and then try to paint us parents as cruel and no fun to the children, and as controlling and obsessive to other relatives.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I know exactly what you mean. It’s hard when adults offer it directly to the kids because they’re likely to accept it even if it’s not the best for them. Then the parents have to step in and look like the bad guy who won’t let their kids have any fun. Trust me, I know that all too well! There are definitely things I’ve let my kids have, and my relatives tend to know my house rules, but there are still times when I have to step in and say “no thanks” on their behalf.