How to Get Your Baby to Sleep Without Being Held

If your little one won’t fall asleep other than in your arms, you may be wondering when you’ll ever get your sleep back. In this article, I’ll walk you through exactly how to get your baby to sleep without being held using real-life, practical tips.

How to Get Your Baby to Sleep Without Being Held

We all know the newborn stage isn’t going to be perfect. But, if you’re like me, you’re desperate to see if there’s something you can at least try and do differently to make the situation easier.

You see, my newborn wanted to be held all night (and day). I knew he was still too young for sleep training, much less to sleep through the night, but holding him 24/7 wasn’t sustainable. So, I tried several tactics until I found those that actually worked and helped him sleep longer stretches. Most importantly, I had my arms back, in some form or another.

So, what do you do when your newborn won’t sleep anywhere but your arms? Take a look at these strategies:

Don’t keep your baby awake too long

As a first-time mom, I assumed that babies simply slept when they were tired, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The times when I kept my son awake for far too long were some of the most challenging times. Being overtired meant he had a difficult time falling asleep right when he needed it. That’s why I was often left with a baby who would only sleep in my arms during the day.

I later learned that babies can’t stay awake for too long. More importantly, they won’t always fall asleep on their own despite needing that rest. Once the window is up, then we really need to do whatever it takes to get them to sleep.

One of the best ways to make sure your baby isn’t awake too long is to pay attention to his sleep cues. For instance, any more than three yawns are signs that he’s overtired, so put him to sleep once he starts to yawn.

The other way to ensure he’s not overtired is to simply watch the clock. Note when he woke up, and don’t let him be awake after a certain time period.

Free resource: How long exactly is too long? Well, it depends on his age. You can grab this free resource where I share the age and sleep guidelines as well as more tips about using his awake time for better sleep. You’ll also get my newsletters, which parents say they LOVE:

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Keep the crib mattress warm

If you’ve ever wondered how to get your baby to nap in the crib, you’re not alone. The thing is, going from your warm, cozy arms to a cold, hard crib can be a difficult transition.

To make the bed just as inviting, try placing a heating pad or a warm water bottle on the crib a few minutes before you plan to set him down. Of course, make sure to check that the bed isn’t too hot. Another option is to turn up the temperature in the room before you set him down so that it’s not too cold.

By keeping his crib warm, easing him out of your arms can still feel cozy.

How to Get Baby to Nap in Crib

Keep your hands on your baby after putting him down

One of the sensations of being held that your baby enjoys is the contact with your body and the warmth on her chest as it presses against yours. But after you put her down, this warmth goes away, leaving her exposed.

So, what do you do when your baby won’t nap unless she’s held? Try this little trick to mimic that feeling and make the transition easier:

Put her down just as she’s about to sleep, but keep your cradling arm wrapped around her body and your other hand on her chest. If you can, you might even want to lightly keep your chest touching hers, as if you’re still hugging and holding her lying down.

Then, as she drifts off to sleep, slowly remove and slide your cradling arm from underneath while still keeping your other hand on her tummy. And finally, remove the other hand so she can sleep alone.

Stroke your baby’s face

Worried that your baby will startle and throw a fit the minute you put him down awake?

Try this simple trick to help him relax: After putting him down awake, stroke his cheek and forehead until his eyes close. Maybe you caress his eyebrows or run your finger from the bridge of his nose to the top of his head. Gently stroke his cheeks, moving from nose to ear.

These simple touches can be all it takes to keep him in a drowsy state until he eventually falls asleep. Sure, he still needs your help to sleep, but at least you’re not holding him the whole time.

Use a pacifier if your baby fusses

Your baby might fuss as you set him down. If he takes to a pacifier, this would be a good time to put one in his mouth to encourage sucking. Don’t wait until he’s crying hysterically—instead, insert the pacifier if you see him starting to squirm or get upset.

Then, keep your hand on him as you hold the pacifier in his mouth. This will remind him that you’re still near while encouraging him to suck on the pacifier to fall asleep.

After you’ve left, keep the pacifier in his mouth. But if you notice him squirming once more (or you think he’s about to wake up), use the pacifier again. If the pacifier fell out, re-insert it into his mouth. But if the pacifier is still in his mouth, give it a gentle “tug.” This will encourage him to suck harder and hopefully keep sleeping.

Put your baby down drowsy but awake

If your baby has always fallen asleep in your arms, then it’s no wonder he cries when he sleeps any other way.

Break those habits and sleep associations by putting him down drowsy but awake. That way, he’ll get to experience falling asleep away from your arms and instead in the sleep environment he’ll eventually wake up.

After all, few of us can fall asleep in one place, get moved to another, and not wake up in the process. The same is true for your baby.

He’ll also learn that you don’t have to hold him to fall asleep. He’s gotten so used to one way of falling asleep—in your arms—that any other way feels strange. By consistently putting him down drowsy but awake, he learns that it’s okay to fall asleep that way, too.

Sure, hold him in your arms, but once he starts looking drowsy, set him down where you want him to sleep so he can experience the transition for himself.

Let your baby lie down awake

I mistakenly assumed that the minute my baby’s eyes flew wide open after putting him down, I’d have to scoop him back up and re-do our routine. Only later did I realize that those were opportunities for him to fall asleep on his own.

Don’t feel compelled to pick your baby up if he goes from sleepy to awake when you put him down. He just might be able to put himself to sleep if you give him a chance to. And given that he’s not crying, you have even less reason to get him out of the crib.

Instead, let him lie down, even if he’s awake. He might fuss a little, at which point you can try a pacifier or let him try to soothe himself. He just might surprise you by falling asleep on his own.

Create the right sleep environment

Keeping the room completely silent will only invite sudden noises to startle your baby awake. Instead, use a white noise machine to muffle those sounds. Not only will it block those sounds, but it’ll remind him of the constant hum he heard when he was in your womb. The constant hum can encourage continuous sleep after you put him down.

Then, let your baby sleep in a snug place. Babies find comfort in snug places, having spent so much time in the womb. While the crib is the ideal place to set your baby down, many parents have found more luck in other, snugger places. These offer the secure feeling of being “cupped” and held, just like in your arms. For instance, try carrying him in a baby wrap, a sleep suit, or a swaddle.

Frequently asked questions

When can babies fall asleep on their own?

Babies in the newborn stage still need help falling asleep. That said, you can still set good sleep habits even now that encourage him to sleep independently. Make every first attempt an opportunity for him to fall asleep on his own (for instance, by putting him down drowsy but awake each time).

If he cries hysterically, scoop him up and try something else. Maybe this time you’ll put him in the swing or carry him in a wrap. And if he truly isn’t having any of it, then hold him in your arms.

He might still need help falling asleep a lot of times, but at least you’re consistently giving him a chance to do it on his own, too.

Can you spoil a baby by holding him too much?

“Spoiling a baby” is relative. After all, someone who enjoys holding her baby to sleep every time would certainly not object to doing so. In fact, she might even feel guilty for holding her baby, assuming she’s doing a bad job by doing it so often.

So no, you can’t “spoil” a baby by holding him too much. Instead, the better question to ask is this: What expectations are you willing to set?

If you’re okay with holding your baby, then by all means, continue doing so. But if you feel an imbalance between his needs and those of yours, your family, your work, and your home, then something needs to change.

It can be as simple as putting him down more throughout the day—when he is awake—so he knows it’s also okay to be away from your arms. And of course, applying the tips you learned here to get him used to sleeping without being held.

The bottom line

Having a newborn isn’t easy, especially when your little one won’t sleep anywhere else but your arms. But hopefully, by trying these tips, you’ll find that you can get your baby to sleep without being held, after all.

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12 Comments

  1. This is actually a question. I am following the recommended wake times, playing around with 45 minutes to 1.5 hours. The problem is I can’t actually get him to nap, not in swaddle/crib with white noise, not in rocking chair being held, paci falls out so wakes up crying. So he just ends up missing naps altogether despite CONSTANT efforts (which is not sustainable and I cannot believe this is how people have handled newborns through the millennia). So what do you when baby still won’t sleep despite doing everything the thousand sleep blogs out there recommend? ( the number of these blogs alone has me convinced some babies just don’t sleep). Other than just feel like a failure of a mother?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Carly! I can definitely relate to feeling like I’ve failed with every failed nap. In hindsight, I can see that it was a temporary season in my life, and that I’d eventually move forward and it wouldn’t always be so hard. But in the thick of the moment, every nap feels like a hurdle to get through, and it would determine whether I’d succeeded or failed.

      If I could talk to myself back then, I would say to first take it easy. Then I would make a list of all the different ways to get the baby to nap, and cycle through those. That way, I wouldn’t feel like I was doing the same thing over and over (and failing over and over). And I would keep trying different things, because what works for one baby doesn’t always work for another, and what even worked for a baby yesterday doesn’t always work today.

      Hang in there, mama <3 Focus on the wins, however small they may be.

  2. My grandson just turned 6 months old, mis this too early to sleep train, parents are going to use Ferber method. Thank you.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Debbie, the pediatrician would know best, but personally, I sleep trained one of my kids at 6 months old.

  3. I’m happy with my baby sleeping now, she got good amount of sleep but she always have her naps in my arms, when does she stops by her own or does this habit last forever

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Tala! It really does depend on the baby. Some can transition to sleeping on their own eventually, while others need some sort of sleep training to help them learn how to fall asleep. More often than not though, they get used to their current habits (like being held to sleep) and need to learn new ones down the line.

  4. Ok. How about babies will absolutely not sleep if put down drowsy but awake?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Julie, I would try the opposite and put them down completely asleep. Lift their arm, and if it flops down, then they’re in deep sleep. This can help make the transition to the crib easier.

  5. I’ll bite. I feel like we’re doing most things right. My son just turned 14 months. He’s got a decent nap schedule:
    9 or 10 AM
    2:30 – 3 PM

    He eats a solid dinner at 5:30 PM followed by a bath. Change into his jammies. Brush his teeth. Read a story. Then he breastfeeds and falls asleep easily at 7 PM or earlier. He just about always feeds his way to sleep. We’ve never successfully put him down drowsy.

    Then the real adventure begins. He usually wakes up at around midnight. It’s a 50/50 shot if he’s going to want to be held and rocked back to sleep or just thrash around visibly exhausted with nothing that will fully console him until 3 or 4 AM. Sometimes he’ll let my wife breastfeed him and fall back asleep. Sometimes he won’t. Sometimes he’ll relax if we put him in bed with us. Sometimes that won’t work either. I’ve tried letting him cry it out a bit as well with extremely mixed results.

    I’m curious if breastfeeding him back to sleep is costing him the ability to learn to get to sleep on his own. I’m wondering if you think that’s the key or if there’s something else that might help break the cycle.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Mike! I agree that breastfeeding him back to sleep is the likely culprit. You can’t blame the little guy for wanting to sleep that way if that’s the only way he has fallen asleep all this time. By taking away that sleep aid (for instance, feeding but making sure he stays awake the whole time and putting him down awake), he can have the opportunity to learn how to put himself to sleep in a different way.

  6. I’ve got a precious little 4 week old girl! How soon do you start the self soothe process? How do I start doing the right things this early?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’d say that your little girl is still too young for formal sleep training, but you can definitely start certain habits now to avoid her always needing you to fall asleep. It’s a bit of a balance: you want to start with the right habits to get her used to sleeping more and more independently, but you also realize that she’s still in the newborn stage and can still need your help a lot of the times. Just know that it won’t always be this way, especially once she’s old enough to sleep through the night 🙂