Sleeping Should Be Easy

10 children’s books about a new baby

Nina February 11, 2013 12 Comments

With the twins about to come any week now, we’ve had several months of preparing our three year old for the new additions to our household. One of the best ways to explain what could potentially be the biggest change in kids’ lives—the arrival of new siblings—is to read books about welcoming a baby.

Below are some of the books we enjoyed reading to our son. We tailored the language to fit our circumstances (e.g. “big brother,” “the babies,”). Hopefully this list can help you introduce the idea of your new baby to your older kids.

Edit: Below are more books based on SSBE reader comments:

Did you have a favorite book you read to your older children about their new baby brother or sister?

learn and discover, preschooler

books, list, new baby

PUPPPs: The most cruel trick on pregnant women (pregnancy update)

Nina February 8, 2013 21 Comments

With still a few more weeks to go in this pregnancy, I’m already measuring past 40 weeks, can hardly get out of bed and am ready to throw in the towel. And just when I thought this twin pregnancy couldn’t get any more difficult, I came down with a case of PUPPPs—pruritic urticarial papules and plaques of pregnancy.

In regular speak: a terrible, horrible rash that happens to pregnant women.

PUPPPs occurs towards the end of the third trimester, mostly to those carrying multiples and those carrying boys. Double whammy for me!

There’s no known cause for it, although theories abound that it has to do with hormones, or with the expansion of the belly (the rash tends to start on the belly in the form of innocuous stretch marks) or toxins in the liver. And the rash tends to spread to literally every part of the body.

The upside (if you can call it that) is that the rash poses no harm to me or the babies. The downside is that it’s one of the worst rashes around. As in, I look like I’ve been bitten by every mosquito on the planet, and each bite erupted in a red blistering welt. Not pretty, or comfortable, or exactly what you need during pregnancy.

Still, I’m taking my comfort measures, mostly with my arsenal of lotions and potions, oatmeal baths, cold showers, bars of soap, supplements, ice packs, even lemon water—all these cures that others have sworn by and I’m hoping will perform a miracle on me.

Because here’s the thing: the only “cure” for PUPPPs is delivering the babies. And even then, there’s no guarantee that the rash will ease up; some have gone on for weeks or months with it, potentially because of the hormones that may still be lingering in the body, such as with breastfeeding.

If only delivery were but a few days or weeks away for me, I might be able to shrug this off as an unfortunate discomfort, but I have several more weeks to go, and I’m ready to tear my eyes out from the pain and itching. I’ve had rashes before, I’ve had pain before, and this is by far the worst one.

So instead of being productive on my blog, my home or anywhere else in my life, I’ve been holed up in my bed, being emo about all this. Today though, I’m trying a new attitude: I’ll try to take it a day at a time and ignore the itching. I’ll try not to get down when I see a previously smooth patch of skin now blotched with bumps. And I’ll watch a ton of comedies. Heck, I’ll even get out of my pajamas.

Because I’ve got to live with this darn thing for a while, and while I’ll allow myself my daily cry, I’ll do my best to take it day by day, even hour by hour.

And hopefully I’ll be able to be productive again and use my blog and other aspects of my life to distract me from this madness. At least keep my hands on the keyboard and away from the itching.

Have you had PUPPPs or other uncomfortable complications during your pregnancy? How did you cope?

admin, pregnancy, twins

PUPPPs

The irony of judging other moms

Nina February 4, 2013 16 Comments

Ahh, the playground: the place where kids get to play, and parents get to display their parenting philosophies for all to see. Whether it’s teaching kids to share a coveted shovel or socializing them with others their age, time at the playground can be an eye-opener. Take, for instance, my story of how I judged other moms… only to find myself on the other side.

When my son was younger, you would often find me at the playground, narrating most of his actions and our environment. “Look at the sun—it’s so bright!… You’re playing with the sand… Wee! This swing is so fun!” and so forth.

I would also climb up the playground equipment with him. He seemed so small, I figured; and so, with my hands spotting his every action, I climbed up, protecting him.

To others around, I probably looked like the typical helicopter mom, hovering over her kid and maybe hoping that all this narrating is turning her son into a child genius. Or perhaps they saw me as the parent unwilling to let my child explore on his own.

To an extent, some of this helicopter parenting was for good reason. During that age, my son had a slight speech delay. At 15 months, he still wasn’t saying any coherent words, and we had learned that one of the best ways to encourage language was to speak to him. And so I made it a mission to talk to him more often, even if I looked like an over-obsessive mom.

As far as staying no farther than a foot away from him, the playground equipment had no rails. And while I’m sure he wouldn’t have fallen, to a first-time-mom, anything five feet high with no rails screams immediate danger of falling.

I had my reasons, and I stuck to them.

The unfortunate thing was that I started judging others different from me.

I judged the mom who sat on the bench while her son played—gasp!—over 50 feet away from her. “Seems lazy,” I would think. “She’s completely ignoring her son and not engaging him whatsoever.” I judged the other mom who talked on the phone while her kids played in the sand. “What kind of example is she setting?” I would tsk tsk.

It’s embarrassing to admit all this, especially now that I realize the importance of independent play and can often be found not only sitting on the playground bench, but fiddling with my phone at the same time. I now know that allowing kids plenty of time to play independently helps build their focus, teaches them self-sufficiency when they master something all on their own, and offers a reprieve from being under a watchful eye as kids often are.

Looking back at how easily I concocted assumptions about other moms, I concede that I had a case of “I’m better than you.” And for all I know, maybe they were the worst moms in the world, but more than likely, that mom wasn’t being lazy—maybe she wanted her son to learn how to play on his own, to make friends with the other kids and to explore his surroundings in ways he couldn’t if his mom was constantly hovering over his shoulder.

I also now know that parents need to focus on themselves too. Perhaps the mom on the phone runs her own business, and this is one of the few chances she has to catch up with her phone calls and emails while still managing to be with her kids during that day. And that she’s even fortunate to be able to work and take care of her children at the same time, even if it means being on the phone while the kids play. Or maybe she needed a break as all moms do.

Because just as I had my reasons to narrate and hover, I’m pretty sure these moms had their own reasons for parenting the way they do.

Ironically, I started to value hands-off parenting, doing the very things I so quickly judged earlier in my parenting journey. And the biggest lesson for me? Don’t judge. Most parents have a reason for everything, and what works for one family may not work for another. Some may still be figuring out this whole parenting business, while others flat-out know that this is how they’d rather parent.

Because for all we know, we may just find ourselves on the other side, sitting on the park bench checking our email.

Have you found yourself judging other parenting methods? Have you ironically started doing the very things you once used to judge?

parenthood, preschooler

judging others

Mommy track: On women, careers and “giving it up” for motherhood

Nina January 31, 2013 16 Comments

I have a strange work schedule. I work full-time, but through flexible hours, work from home the equivalent of two days a week. Despite not putting in the same face time as other employees in the office, I was still recognized for my work and getting things done for the company. And while this is a victory for working moms, particularly flexible-schedule moms, I still wonder whether I took the “mommy track.” Did I sacrifice career potential in order to attain the schedule I wanted?

I’m not alone in this discussion, and today I want to highlight fellow blogger and SSBE reader MaryAnne from Mama Smiles to talk about the path she took in her career in order to be a stay-at-home to her four young children.

Nina: Hi MaryAnne! Thank you for sitting down with me to talk about women, careers and motherhood. Before we get into the topic, tell us about your blog, Mama Smiles, and why you started it.

MaryAnne: My blog, Mama Smiles, focuses on finding joy in everyday parenting through creativity, learning, and play. I write about creative activities my kids and I enjoy, places we go together, and simple at-home learning activities.

I started my blog as a way to chronicle and share the aspects of parenting I truly enjoy (you won’t see pictures of laundry or dishes). My blog is also my way of explaining — to myself as much as to anyone — what a stay-at-home mother does and how it can be a legitimate career choice.

Nina: On your About page, you have an impressive list of degrees: a B.A. in Organ and Vocal Performance and a Master’s in Education —both from Stanford—as well as a Ph.D. in Medicine from Edinburgh. What was your incentive to attain your degrees? Were these decisions made before or during becoming a mom?

MaryAnne: I believe in making the most of opportunities. School was always an area where I did well, and the degrees reflect that. Even more, however, they represent an opportunity that I took and made the most of. My first child was born as I was finishing up my Ph.D. I juggled finishing my dissertation with looking after her. I could have continued to juggle a career and motherhood, but I decided to take the opportunity of being a stay-at-home parent instead.

Nina: What influenced your decision to become a stay-at-home mom?

MaryAnne: My first born child was seven months old when I graduated with my Ph.D. I could have moved on to a post-doctoral position or a research or teaching job, but I was thoroughly enjoying my time with my baby girl, and I decided to make motherhood my career.

Nina: You mention on your blog that you use all three of your degrees with your children. Can you give us some examples?

MaryAnne: Music is a wonderful way to interact with young children. My kids love it when I sing and play the guitar — it’s part of our bedtime routine. I’m (slowly) teaching them to play the piano and a little violin, and they have enjoyed the few opportunities they have had to see me play the organ. You can read more about how I use music with toddlers here.

My Education degree focused on teaching foreign languages (French, primarily, although I also taught Spanish) in a middle school and high school setting, but I find that a lot of what I learned about effective discipline, pedagogy and group work applies to a family setting just as it does in a classroom. Hopefully my adolescent psychology courses will also prove helpful as my kids get older!

For my Ph.D. in Medicine, I looked at community arts programs that helped children overcome trauma. I also tutored and facilitated courses that covered some of the more clinical aspects of medicine, as well as medical ethics and technology in medicine. In addition to finding (from my perspective, at least), a very helpful application for both of my earlier degrees, I gained a lot of practical knowledge about how the medical system works, and came away with a decent grasp on medical terms and statistics that I have found very useful in day-to-day life.

I have always felt that creativity was important, but my doctoral research made me all the more certain that I wanted my children to have multiple creative outlets — and you will see a lot of evidence of the importance I place on creativity on my blog.

Nina: Did you know going into attaining your degrees that you would be a stay-at-home mom?

MaryAnne: I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but that isn’t a career choice that you can guarantee. I pursued degrees in areas that I found interesting and rewarding. Being a stay-at-home mom just happened to be the interesting and rewarding career choice that worked out for me.

Nina: Do you think women sacrifice their careers in lieu of motherhood when we follow the mommy track, e.g. when we don’t put in as many hours as we used to or as our colleagues do, or when we work flexible schedules, work part time or leave the work force entirely?

MaryAnne: I think it is extremely difficult to have a child and not sacrifice at least a portion of your career. Even if you take only a couple weeks of maternity leave and put in all the hours, you are putting hours in at home after you pick up your child from daycare. I also think that employers often assume that women will become lesser employees after having children.

However, being a mother has made me a much better potential employee than I ever could have been beforehand. Motherhood has taught me new levels of prioritization and self-discipline; unfortunately, it’s a little difficult to explain that coherently on two hours of sleep.

Nina: Why do you think we don’t have a “daddy track,” or why men don’t seem to fall under this stigma as much as women?

MaryAnne: I think biology plays a huge role. If you have your own biological child, pregnancy takes a very real toll on your body, as does childbirth and breastfeeding; even if you are pumping bottles for your husband to feed the baby, your body is still producing milk, and that requires extra energy. Also, everyone sees women become pregnant, and that can be a visible reminder to them that we are now using energy to create a new life. I don’t think that makes us a lesser employee, but others can still perceive us that way.

Nina: Do you plan to return to work? If so, what steps would you take for a smooth re-entry?

MaryAnne: I don’t know if I will return to work. I’ve already been out of the workforce for six years, and plan to stay out for the foreseeable future. I do like to keep my options open, though. I have kept in touch with my graduate advisers—one of whom took five years off to stay home with her children and made a very successful re-entry into academia—so I still have them as potential referees, should the need arise. I also keep track of the research that is happening in my field.

Nina: Thank you again MaryAnne for sharing your career and educational choices and for discussing the mommy track with me today.

Readers, I invite you to check out MaryAnne’s blog, Mama Smiles, for amazing resources, including downloadable PDFs, recommended items and books, world culture for kids and plenty of blog posts on crafts and parenting.

What are your thoughts on the mommy track? Do you think women sacrifice their careers for motherhood? Can women have both a high-powered career and the time to parent that she desires? Let us know in the comments!

work

back to work, mommy track, work from home, working mom

Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?

Nina January 28, 2013 20 Comments

“I’m available to babysit so you guys can celebrate a Valentine’s dinner,” my mom had mentioned. Valentine’s, along with other special occasions like anniversaries and work holiday parties, is one of the few opportunities my husband and I spend dressed up and out of the house after sundown. The lack of regular date nights isn’t due to a lack of sitters—we’re surrounded by family and friends who have generously kept watch over our son while we stepped out. With the importance of maintaining a happy marriage post-kids, I wondered:

Why don’t my husband and I have frequent, regular date nights? I came up with a few reasons.

I like keeping a free calendar instead of scheduling regular date nights.
Frequent date nights can cost money.
Ever since our son started sleeping through the night, we’ve had pretty much every evening to ourselves. Sure, we’re at home, but those evenings give us a semblance of life without kids.
It’s easier to drop our son off with during the day so that we can grab lunch or run an errand. Do “date days” count?
Staying up late and partying are only fun up to the point when your kid wakes up at 7am the next day.

Whether you go out regularly or once in a while is completely up to you. Some couples may not have a plethora of available babysitters while others rely on couple time to maintain a sense of sanity in parenthood.

That said, I understand and encourage whatever date nights you can manage to make happen. Why?

You’re reminded of your role as a partner and not just as a parent. When you have a healthy relationship first with yourself and then with your partner, that translates to a happy and healthy relationship with your kids.
You’ll also remember to have a different kind of fun, perhaps a fun that you had forgotten. When most of your outings include trips to the zoo or even a family dinner at a restaurant—both of them fun—it’s also nice to go out to places that aren’t always suitable for kids. When my husband and I eat at restaurants, I always try to choose the least child-friendly places and wear jewelry that my kid can’t pull on!

Yet with all the importance of me time and date nights, parents shouldn’t place them so high on a pedestal that doing so causes more stress and you feel like you’re not doing enough. Sometimes it’s more difficult to find that alone time than it is to make the arrangements needed to make it possible. Sometimes it’s not affordable. Other times, there’s just no desire or energy to do so (ahem: newborn days, anyone?).

Spending time with your partner should be something you look forward to and enjoy, not something you feel obligated to do because everyone stresses that you have to find that time. No one should do anything that doesn’t reap rewards in the end.

But if there’s a desire to leave the kids home for some adult time, do it. Go all out with an elaborate date, or go simple with a movie and dinner at home. Make your time purposeful.

So… date nights: necessary or over-rated? I would say neither. To imply that a family requires date nights for its survival places too much stress and energy on outings that may not even be feasible or desirable for many couples. But to dismiss its importance would be just as silly, considering how much couples can benefit from having time away from the kids.

Instead, find what works for you and your partner. If you have no available babysitters, your date night could include ordering from your favorite restaurant and eating at your leisure once the kids are in bed. Conversely, don’t force yourself to go out just because every other couple you know seems to be partying while you’re stuck at home.

Perhaps the argument about date nights isn’t whether to make them a priority or not, but to incorporate its benefits into your lives in whichever way you can—without the obligation, and with all the fun of reconnecting.

Do you go on regular date nights or take them as they come? Are date nights necessary or over-rated? How are you able to spend alone time with your partner, if at all?

parenthood

date night

Discipline: More than just time-outs

Nina January 24, 2013 10 Comments

When you hear ‘discipline,’ you’re likely to conjure images of unruly kids and their parents trying to rein them in. Maybe some involve a system like time-outs or counting to three, or punishment, grounding and spanking. Yet so often we forget that discipline in its basic form means teaching a code of conduct that yes, includes how we shouldn’t act, but also includes how we should. Discipline doesn’t always lie on the negative side of parenting and instead involves both positive and negative experiences working hand in hand.

And so, giving blanket discipline advice can be tricky under these circumstances. We can tell a fellow mom to try time-outs, but how much do we really know about her situation, her children or how she handles other aspects of parenting? While discipline often involves “what to do when your kid acts up,” it should also include teaching your child how to act in general.

That said, since discipline often connotes misbehavior, I thought about how I approach it with my son and wondered if any patterns popped up.

I rely on several methods to help teach him how to act appropriately:

Try to find the basic reason behind the outburst. Sometimes I can’t believe what sets my three-year-old off: it could be because I used the wrong color crayon or because he would rather stay in the van than go inside. But when I stop and think about what else could be bothering him, most cases point to the same culprits: he’s hungry, sick, tired, or emotional. When I can address any of those issues first rather than try to rationalize why it’s perfectly fine to use orange, we can usually avoid a catastrophe in waiting.
Maintain a sense of calm. You’re here to help your child, and the best way to do that is to try to remain calm. Yes, even when she’s yelling and crying and you’re ready to drag her by the arm and march her to a corner. Remember that you’re on the same team, and often, matching her frustration with your own does little to calm her down. Perhaps the most difficult piece of advice to follow, trying to stay calm can work wonders, especially since kids feed off of your emotions.
Assert authority. One of the most important reasons to stand your ground is to protect your child from himself. When he’s throwing a tantrum, emotions are flying high, and he needs someone bigger than him to rein in his frustrations. Explain what is acceptable and what isn’t (“We do not do that,” “You have no right to hit her,”). Most importantly, follow through with your authority and remain consistent.
Redirect. If possible, redirect your child’s antics to something similar but more appropriate. Your son wants to color on the wall? Honor the impulse and acknowledge his desire to color, but redirect him to a more appropriate activity, such as coloring on paper or outside with chalk. The activity should be similar enough to the initial impulse—don’t suggest playing with a ball when he wanted to color.
Set boundaries where it matters but allow plenty of leeway where it doesn’t. We all have to pick our battles. Choose the non-negotiable boundaries you deem important and stick to it; in return, let the little things slide. Your child will learn what’s important to your family while still feeling able to explore within those limits.
Apply natural consequences. “Punishment” can work when the consequences follow the act. Is your kid thrashing around a toy and potentially breaking it? A natural consequence could be to take the toy away from him until he learns not to do that. Telling him he can’t go to to the park isn’t enough of a natural tie to the misbehavior.
Listen. Sometimes I think we’re so reactive that we feed off of one another’s emotions like wildfire before we really know what’s going on. Instead, stop and listen, whether you’re literally hearing out what your child is complaining about, or figuratively, such as taking a breath and assessing the situation before acting.

As you can see, discipline can be a mixture of different methods, and what may work one day may not work the next. And as any parent can attest, sometimes you just lose your cool. It happens, and we all try to do our best. Still, discipline should really be thought of as teaching our kids how to act appropriately, deal with frustrations, and harness their self-control. It isn’t always about the punishment or tactic we apply after the kids act up, but rather what we do every day to show them right and wrong.

What is your definition of ‘discipline’? What discipline methods have worked for you, and which haven’t?

behavior, preschooler

authority, calm, discipline, honoring the impulse, pick your battles, redirect

Preparing for survival mode: Life with a newborn

guest contributor January 22, 2013 5 Comments

The following post is written by Steph from Living Undone.

Some people float pretty easily through the newborn stage. My transition to motherhood was a little more difficult. Now that we’re about to have our second kiddo this May, I’m preparing for the inevitable survival mode that accompanies precious snuggles, gummy smiles, sleepless nights and diaper changes at every feeding.

Thankfully, many moms with more than one child have assured me that the transition from one to two is less difficult than the transition from zero to one. After all, you’ve already done the newborn thing once and you’re already a parent, so the concepts of the immense love you’ll feel, the incredible responsibility you’ll hold and the insatiable desire to sleep aren’t completely new.

Still, all babies need to eat a lot. And be changed a lot. And they aren’t exactly keen on your idea of a good routine. So what can we do to prepare for the survival mode of the newborn stage? Here are my preparation suggestions, whether your a first time mom or you’ve had a few goes at this already:

Reduce Clutter

Stuff gets in the way. The more stuff we have, the more time we spend managing it. Fewer clothes mean fewer loads of laundry. Fewer toys mean less time picking them up at the end of the day. Reducing clutter now will keep us from being overwhelmed when the baby comes.

Because when you’re in survival mode, your brain doesn’t tell you that life would be easier if you quickly washed your large mixing bowl. Instead, you get out another large mixing bowl and soon have two to wash. That is, of course, unless you only have one in the first place.

Now you might have a legitimate reason to keep two large mixing bowls and that’s a-okay with me. Just take some time to see if your stuff is helping you live a better, simpler, more relaxed life or if it’s complicating things. Because come newborn time, housework goes on the back burner (where it should be in survival mode).

Prep Meals

You can let housework go pretty far, but you still have to eat. So if at all possible, get some meals into your freezer for the newborn stage. Freezer meals don’t have to involve long Saturdays of cooking or intense planning. Just double up on some of your favorites as you’re making them.

You don’t even have to freeze whole meals. When I make rice or quinoa, I make a lot of it and freeze the extra. I do the same for ground beef and chicken breasts. Spaghetti becomes even easier if all you have to do is grab some cooked meat, boil some noodles and throw on a jar of sauce.

Bonus: make up a snack list for when you’re too exhausted to figure out what to snack on.

Prepare Spaces

Preparing spaces doesn’t just apply to the nursery. Do you have spaces in your house that simply don’t make any sense? Perhaps a closet that’s too crowded so clothes end up on the floor. Or a tupperware drawer that’s such a mess you can never find anything. Along with decluttering, preparing spaces helps reduce stress. Rearranging a closet or drawer so it takes less effort to keep things neat and tidy will go a long way toward things running smoothly when you’re in survival mode.

And don’t forget about preparing smaller spaces. When my kiddo was breastfeeding, I made up a couple of nursing baskets with a magazine, burp cloths, nursing pads, etc. and put one in the rooms where I most often nursed. This small preparation allowed me to enjoy nursing instead of running around like a mad woman looking for supplies.

Think Ahead

Are there tasks coming in the months after the baby is born that you could do ahead of time? For instance, do you send out birthday and anniversary cards to family? Fill the cards out early and put sticky notes on the envelopes telling you what date to send them out.

Do you plan on sending out a birth announcement? Compile addresses and get everything set to go except for what you cannot know yet.

Schedule blog posts into the future. Get your bills set up to deduct automatically. Stock up on toiletries so you don’t have to make late night store runs because you ran out of toilet paper.

Enlist Help

Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Or accept it when it’s offered. Meals, childcare for older children, help with housework, rides to doctor’s appointments or just another adult to talk to are a few ways people can help new moms.

Just be sure to clarify if you want help or a visit. Either way is fine, but it’s useful to clarify expectations. And there’s no need to feel guilty if you’re simply not up to chatting or visiting. Your job is to recover from childbirth and take care of your baby…not to entertain.

Prepare for the Unknown

How do you prepare for the unknown? Mentally. Realize that no matter how smoothly you envision those first few weeks going, something will be different than planned. Caring for a newborn is hard work. And no matter how much you prepare, there’s no way around being tired. So relax. And enjoy the ride. Because there’s nothing else like it.

What were some of your challenges during the newborn stage? What helped you survive those initial weeks and months?

Steph is a mother of a three-year-old girl and is currently expecting another addition. One of the earliest visitors to SSBE, Steph continues to contribute to this site through comments and social media. She blogs about motherhood, parenting, and running a household at Living Undone.

household, newborn

guest post

5 things I’ve never told you about myself

Nina January 21, 2013 15 Comments

For all that I share on my parenting journey here at Sleeping Should Be Easy, I realize that there’s still quite a bit about me that you may not know. Since it’s a holiday for some today, I thought I’d keep today’s post light and fun by sharing 5 random things I’ve never told you about myself:

I’m the youngest of five kids. I wouldn’t trade my position in this hierarchy, either—as the youngest, I learn a ton from them. My siblings and I are also very close and I’m grateful to have this relationship with my family.
I have a background in graphic design and marketing. This might explain all the visuals, PDFs and infographics you see on this blog.
I do a bit of calligraphy here and there. I picked this up in my senior year in high school when one of our teachers, desperate to fill out our end-of-the-year awards, needed someone to write out the names onto the certificates. Since I have neat handwriting, she asked me, and I taught myself calligraphy from there.
I used to write books and workbooks as a kid, which I’m convinced was the origin of all this blog-writing. The backs of the books featured a coupon for a discount on your next purchase, which I’m convinced was the beginning of my marketing know-how.
I’ve been writing in a journal since I was nine years old. One of my sisters gave me a diary for my birthday and I’ve been writing ever since.

Okay, your turn—I want to know about you: tell me something totally random about yourself.

admin

How to promote delayed gratification in children

Nina January 17, 2013 12 Comments

Do you want one marshmallow now, or two in five minutes? That was the question Stanford psychologist Walter Mischel posed to several children back in 1972 in the now-famous marshmallow test that studied delayed gratification. He found that children who were able to forgo the instant reward of one marshmallow in lieu of waiting for two tended to enjoy greater success as adults. The question now is, how can we help encourage such delayed gratification with our own kids?

Mischel states that genetics plays a huge role, as it seems to do with most everything about us. Yet nurture can still contribute to how well we—including our kids—can delay gratification. The simplest way?

Have them wait.

You see, the driving force behind why some children were able to hold out on eating one marshmallow lay in their ability to distract themselves and find ways to keep from succumbing to the temptation. Kids resorted to pulling on their pigtails, tucking their hands under their legs, and an assortment of other means that kept them from gobbling up the marshmallow. And Mischel says that one of the best ways to develop this skill is through waiting.

Kids have the ability to devise creative ways to distract and entertain themselves, but when parents fulfill every need and desire instantly, kids lose out on an opportunity to do so.

I can relate. When my son was a newborn, I hardly skipped a beat before rushing in to pick him up at the slightest sound. Even as a toddler, I found myself preparing his breakfast before he wakes up for fear that he’ll flip out if his food isn’t ready. I wanted to avoid the inconvenience (and headache) of an impatient child clamoring for whatever it is that he wanted right this minute.

Yet most other times, I’ve been able to have him wait. Below are a few simple ways you can promote delayed gratification:

Cook and bake together. Simply by witnessing the process of how food is made, kids can learn patience and realize that some things, including their meals, take time to make. Since your child is helping, she’ll be even further invested in the end result, not to mention that the act of cooking is distracting her from wanting her food right now.
Don’t always offer a snack at every request. If your son is asking for food 30 minutes before dinner, have him wait until his food is ready. He’ll have an opportunity to find ways to keep himself occupied before dinner time. Similarly, establish set mealtimes so he understands that there’s a general time for each meal instead of whenever he wants a bite.
Don’t let kids interrupt conversations. When you’re talking to another person and your child chimes in about something else, pause and say, “I’m talking to so-and-so right now sweetie. Let me finish first and then you can tell me.” This doesn’t have to be cold. Usually I’ll acknowledge my son’s presence by placing a hand on his back, but I try as much as possible to point out that he has to wait for the current conversation to finish.
Encourage independent play. One of the benefits of independent play is the opportunity for kids to find creative ways to entertain themselves. Rather than relying on external sources such as adults to provide entertainment, kids are better able to develop their imagination, tinker with distractions and even pass the time in less-than-desirable environments, such as sitting in a waiting room or standing in line.
Say ‘no.’ Kids need to hear you set limits. While you want to provide freedom to explore and let children be, they still need to do so within the confines of limits. Be firm where it matters, whether it’s not buying impulsive toys at the store or establishing set bedtimes. Kids will understand that they can’t always have what they want.
Write wish lists, savings and goals. For those with older kids, encourage them to draft wish lists for items they would like to have. Show them how to save money to buy a coveted item or experience.

As with anything child-rearing, having kids wait is a work in progress. It’s tough to wait, and kids may show their displeasure. Other times, it’s better to meet their needs right away, like when your child is sick or you feel like they’ve been waiting too long. In most cases though, giving kids the opportunity to wait increases their chances of devising creative ways to stave off instant gratification in lieu of better rewards in the future.

Have you tried promoting delayed gratification with your kids?

learn and discover, preschooler

delayed gratification, independent play

8 children’s books about going to school

Nina January 14, 2013 12 Comments

I’m excited to report that my three-year-old is now enrolled in preschool. He’s adjusting well and describes what he does during the day (“We read Pete the Cat!”) and the projects he works on. He talks about his friends, what they played with and even what they wore (“Paul is the one with the black and white striped shirt.”). I hope he continues to thrive in his new environment.

As I do with major changes in his life, I found children’s books we can read together to help him sort through any emotions and expectations he may have about entering preschool. Below are a few of the books well worth a read should your child be starting school:

The Berenstain Bears Go to School by Stan Berenstain
Maisy Goes to Preschool by Lucy Cousins
Pete the Cat: Rocking in My School Shoes by Eric Litwin
Froggy Goes to School by Jonathan London
The Gingerbread Man Loose in the School by Laura Murray
The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
Miss Bindergarten Gets Ready for Kindergarten by Joseph Slate (this was a particular favorite, to the point where I had to keep renewing the book from the library because he kept wanting to read it!)
How Do Dinosaurs Go To School? by Jane Yolen

Edit: Below are more books based on SSBE reader recommendations:

Which books have you read? Do you have other recommendations to introduce the idea of school to kids?

learn and discover, preschooler

books, list

PUPPPs: The most cruel trick on pregnant women (pregnancy update)

In regular speak: a terrible, horrible rash that happens to pregnant women.

The irony of judging other moms

The unfortunate thing was that I started judging others different from me.

Because just as I had my reasons to narrate and hover, I’m pretty sure these moms had their own reasons for parenting the way they do.

Mommy track: On women, careers and “giving it up” for motherhood

Date nights: Necessary or over-rated?

Why don’t my husband and I have frequent, regular date nights? I came up with a few reasons.

That said, I understand and encourage whatever date nights you can manage to make happen. Why?

Discipline: More than just time-outs

I rely on several methods to help teach him how to act appropriately:

Preparing for survival mode: Life with a newborn

Reduce Clutter

Prep Meals

Prepare Spaces

Think Ahead

Enlist Help

Prepare for the Unknown

5 things I’ve never told you about myself

How to promote delayed gratification in children

How to survive the newborn stage

What are you proud of today?

How to help your child adjust to a new sibling

From first-time mom to second: What I’m doing differently this time around

Quick update: The twins are here!

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