How to Give Consequences for Kids

Consequences for kids don’t always work. See common mistakes parents make and how to give consequences to stop your child’s behavior.

Consequences for KidsWe’ve all felt that panic: trying to come up with a consequence fit for the behavior.

In trying to turn this chaos into a teachable moment, you scanned your brain for a good enough consequence. One that would get your child to stop, to convince her this is serious, and that you’ve had it with her antics.

You know, one that would teach her a lesson.

Certain types of consequences have even become common language, from the “time-out” for the toddler to the teen “getting grounded.”

But what if I told you we’ve got consequences all wrong? That what may seem effective at the moment isn’t serving them—or ourselves—best?

Why consequences for kids don’t always work

We can all agree we need to correct our kids’ behavior. That they can communicate better besides throwing temper tantrums, or that hitting others isn’t right.

But we often rely on discipline strategies that…

  • Are based on fear. As the parent, it’s easy to tip the power dynamics in our favor. We’re the “boss,” the one who knows better, the one who, at the end of the day, wields more control in the relationship. And we do that through fear. We threaten punishments bad enough to convince our young children to stop behaving a certain way, never mind that there may be deeper reasons they’re doing so.
  • Don’t encourage long-term change. Consequences as we typically know them can “work” because they can convince kids to stop negative behavior, but only at that moment. We lose the opportunity to teach valuable lessons about how to self-regulate big emotions, or why others might feel hurt when we hit them.
  • Stem from our anger. How often have we yelled at our kids to go to their room when we couldn’t take it anymore? I know I have, and no one—neither myself nor my kids—got anything positive out of that kind of interaction.

And the real reason typical consequences don’t work? They’re not natural consequences—they don’t tie to the behavior we’re trying to correct.

Let’s say you’ve been underperforming at work. Your boss isn’t going to not let you go to the holiday party, keep you isolated from your coworkers, or take away your snack privileges. She’s going to give you natural, “real-life” consequences.

She can talk to you about her expectations and what you can do better. She can let you know what can happen if you don’t improve and the consequences of your actions. If it gets bad, you might even have to look for another job.

You see, the world works on natural consequences, where our choices have a direct tie to what happens after.

How to give consequences for kids

You don’t have to constantly police your child, doling out punishments and hoping that can teach her a lesson. You can also have better control over your own emotions—and a better relationship with her. It all starts with changing your mindset toward natural consequences.

The more you rely on natural consequences, the more you can see that typical punishments are ineffective and exhausting. Sometimes, an effective consequence isn’t a punishment so much as a conversation, or learning moment, for both of you.

Let’s take a look at a few examples of how you can apply a logical consequence to the behavior:

1. Give a deadline

I let my kids watch television at the end of the day, but only after they’ve cleaned up their toys. At one point, one of them started to dilly-dally about the process, lying flat on the floor and whining about cleaning up.

I’d already shown empathy (“It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun—I’d feel sad, too”). And I explained why we needed to clean up, but he remained rooted to the floor.

Rather than sending him to his room or yelling at him to clean up already, I set a timer.

I told them I’m starting the show at the same time I usually do (when the timer beeps), but I’m not turning on the television until they’ve cleaned up. If they didn’t clean up before the timer went off, they’ll miss the first few minutes of the show.

Deadlines hold kids (and adults) accountable for their actions. Their choice to do or not do something by a period of time can mean a natural loss they’re not willing to sacrifice.

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2. Have your child clean the mess

Did your child spill a water cup or throw a bucket of blocks all over the floor? Instead of sending him to his room or confiscating a beloved stuffed animal, have him clean the mess.

Whether out of anger or by accident, messes offer her a chance to see the consequences of his behavior. He won’t learn this if you wipe the spills or scold him for throwing toys. Instead, part of learning about the effects of his behavior is dealing with the consequences.

Then, praise him for cleaning up the mess. This can direct his attention his positive behaviors like being responsible and accountable instead of only on bad behavior.

Get more tips on what to do when your kids refuse to do chores.

Kids Refuse to Do Chores

3. Have your child say or do it better

“Where’s my water?!” my son scowled, first thing in the morning. We all wake up grumpy from time to time, but I also didn’t want him to think that talking this way to others was fine. Or worse, to think that other people would agree to his demands.

So, I asked him to say it again, but in a better tone of voice. I modeled saying “Where’s my water?” in a kinder, more positive way and asked him to repeat it that way before I was willing to answer his question.

Sometimes kids behave in ways they don’t even know are wrong. Let’s say you asked your child to close a cabinet door, but instead of closing it quietly as you normally do, she slammed it shut. Even if she didn’t mean to do it, it was still enough to make you lose your patience.

Instead of scolding her about slamming the door, acknowledge that she may not know how to close the cabinet door correctly. This can help her feel understood. Then, simply open the door and have her do it again more gently this time.

You don’t always need a “punishment” for every wrong move she makes. Sometimes what’s needed is modeling good behavior correctly for her.

4. Revoke privileges that tie to your child’s choices

It’s tempting to revoke privileges as consequences when kids are willing to do just about anything to keep a special toy or treat.

But a loss of privileges only works if they tie to your child’s choices. With consistency, he learns that natural consequences happen based on the decisions he makes.

For instance, if he’s dragging his feet about doing homework, don’t take away story time at night or electronics or video games the next day. Reading books before bed has nothing to do with his choice to whine about homework.

Instead, rely on natural consequences. You could say that taking too long to get ready means you won’t have time to play at the park after errands.

Or let’s say he threw a fit about taking a nap—he didn’t want to go to sleep and cried the whole time. Don’t say, “If you don’t take a nap, you can’t play with your toys this afternoon.” Instead, you might say, “We’ll need to put you down for an earlier bedtime tonight to make up for you being so tired.”

You can take away a toy, but only if it ties to the behavior. Maybe he refuses to stop throwing a toy car in the air, even though you’ve asked him not to and even explained why.

You can then say, “It looks like you’re not ready to take care of this toy yet. I don’t want anyone to get hurt, so I’m going to store it for the rest of the day.”

5. Explain how others feel

One of the most common times we enforce consequences is when kids don’t behave well with others, especially other children. We force them to share or say sorry when they fight or hit.

The problem is, your child could have valid points for feeling what he does, even if he isn’t showing appropriate behavior. For instance, hitting is wrong, but he may have done so because the other child wouldn’t stop grabbing his toy.

One of the best consequences for kids is to explain how their behavior problems affect others. Teaching empathy starts with encouraging your child to imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of his actions.

Acknowledge how he felt (“I know you were mad when he grabbed your toy…”), then explain how the other child feels (“…but hitting hurts. You would feel sad too if he hit you”).

Or let’s say he said hurtful things to you. You could say, “That makes me feel sad when you say that.” Help him see the consequences of his actions so he’s less likely to do it again.

You could even remove him from the situation, especially if he still feels compelled to hit or needs to calm down. Say “I won’t allow you to keep hitting your brother” or “It looks like you’re not ready to play with others just now” so he knows his removal is tied to his behavior.

When Your Child Says Hurtful Things to You

Conclusion

It’s easy to assume we need to come up with a “punishment” on the spot, one bad enough to fit our kids’ behavior. We might even be so upset that we react and abuse our power, not thinking about what’s best for them.

Instead, enforce natural consequences that curb misbehavior and help your child think better next time. Give her a deadline and have her clean up her messes to hold her accountable. Have her repeat what she said or did in a better, more effective way so she knows what’s acceptable or not.

Revoke privileges, but only if they tie naturally to her actions. Finally, explain the consequences of her behavior, especially related to how others feel. This can help her develop empathy toward others and think critically about the choices she makes.

Avoid enforcing consequences based on their severity or on how angry you feel toward her. Instead, let the natural, “real life” consequences do the work—they’re likely to teach her a lesson more than anything else.

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14 Comments

  1. Thanks… i learnt alot
    All i need with my child is communication

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’m glad the article helped, Adesewa!

    2. Hi Nina,

      Thanks for your article, it’s useful when I feel hopeless. However, my child is keeping “naughty”. I have no idea how to do. Everyday I keep struggling, specially in public place, I have reminded her before going outside however, she doesn’t listen to me even I tried to explained clearly to her gently. When I tried to just talking a bit louder, she keeps shouting and do all the things that I have metioned that is not good at all. For example, she always loose my hand or even worst shount or stand(chair) on the bus… I feel so tried and exhausted and I don’t know what to do else.

      1. Nina Garcia says:

        Hi Sarah! Dealing with kids not listening, especially in public places, is never easy. One thing you can try is to give a consequence and explain why you’re doing it. For instance, safety is important, which is why you need to hold her hand. The next time you go out, explain that you will have to hold her by the wrist so that she doesn’t slip away. You can even explain that you hold hands so that she doesn’t get lost. Then, if she still slips away, hold her by the wrist and explain that you have to do that for the rest of the day because she slipped her hand away earlier, even if she doesn’t like it. And the most important thing is to be consistent with it so that she takes you seriously every time.

  2. Any advice on a “natural” consequence or proper reaction for the following?

    1. She doesn’t want to get dressed in the morning – so we run late (this affects me more than it does her).

    2. She doesn’t want dinner (even food she likes): we never force her to eat, we tell her she can eat her dinner, and if she doesn’t she can try again later… but no “snacks” as a replacement. But so often meal times are a struggle to get her to eat even when she says she is hungry. – try not to say “if no dinner no dessert” we are discouraging sugar right now due to her being hooked recently after MIL visited. When she does eat she is a slowpoke (not in a healthy way in an hour or more way).

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Jessica!

      So, I totally think that when we see our kids’ behaviors, we have to distinguish between when it’s “their” problem, and when it’s ours. Your first example of not wanting to get dressed falls under “our” problem, meaning because she isn’t getting dressed, YOU’RE going to be late. In this case, I would likely work more on preventing the stalling to begin with. Usually, offering choices works really well—you can give her a choice on which outfit to wear (give two options). You can also have her do something a notch above her responsibilities or abilities so that she’s inspired to take the task on. For instance, if you normally put her pants on, ask her to put it on herself, and treat it like an exciting thing she now “gets” to do.

      I’d also make sure you do the same tasks in the same order in the same time so that, over time, this becomes so routine that she hardly thinks about it. You’ll want to do this a while and not give up the first few times, and instead be consistent until it becomes a habit.

      As far as not wanting dinner, this would fall under “their” problem. You’re totally right in not forcing her to eat, and sometimes the best we can do is to swallow our pride when they don’t eat what we prepared or that your schedule gets thrown off. You’re also right not to prepare her other food or snacks as a replacement. What I often do is I give them a main meal and a fruit, and I don’t always put the fruit out with the meal, so that they’re encouraged to eat the main meal first. But if they don’t want to, then I’ll ask them to give it a try, even just a few bites. But if they’re adamant, then they still get the fruit. If they’re hungry for more after the fruit, then their main meal is right there. Either way, I’m not preparing more than what I already have, so no other main meal, or no extra fruit.

      One of my kids also used to take forever to eat, and in this case, you can simply cut dinner time off by a certain time. If she takes an hour to eat, then fine, but that might mean she won’t get to play as long, or she may not be able to watch a TV show because her eating took too long and it’s bath time now.

      And the best thing I’ve seen work with food issues is not to make a big deal about it. Literally treat it like it’s no big deal. That way, if her behavior is because she’s testing her boundaries, then she’s less likely to keep it up if she sees that she gets no reaction from you, or that this isn’t an issue to fuss about after all. They’ll sort of just forget about it and realize that it’s nothing to resist, either.

      Good luck, Jessica! Keep me posted on how it all goes.

  3. Thanks for the great tips I feel like I took away lots of good points. My daughter (3) is constantly hitting, scratching, biting myself and her baby brother for no reason. I understand she is struggling and why she does it, but no matter what I do or how I explain it she continues this behaviour. I’m at a lost what to do to help her. No matter how much attention I give her it’s not enough?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Dannii! I’m glad the article gave you several good points—thanks for letting me know! One thing that has really helped me is praising kids for the times they do behave. For instance, if she’s being gentle with her baby brother, say, “I like how you’re patting him gently like that!” That will help her keep up with the behavior you want to see.

  4. Rachael Harmon says:

    Hi Nina,

    I appreciate your tips. What would be natural consequences for my kid misbehaving at school? Having a lot of trouble with him listening to his teacher and following bad behavior of other children. I’m frustrated by the bad reports but don’t know what the right way is to address it at home. What consequences are really going to get through to him.

    Thanks so much!
    Rachael

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Rachael! It’s really tough to discipline from afar when you’re not there. You’d hope that the teacher can help him better behave, or give you guidance on what you can do at home. But there’s really no way for you to be in the class and discipline him right then and there. As far as what you can do at home, I would start by talking to him about it. See what drove him to do what he did, and maybe that will shed some light on how to prevent it the next time. You can also be consistent with your own consequences at home, as well as praising him for the times when he does behave so he can continue that pattern. But as far as school, I would reach out to the teacher to see what they do and what they recommend.

  5. In the morning I wake my son up very gently. I sit beside him with my hands running through his hair. But after 15 minutes I am out of patience. Then I start yelling, dragging him out of the bed, annoying myself more than him. It takes me at least half an hour daily and he always spoils my day. Even if I’d die for him, he has no gratitude, he won’t listen to anything I say and there seems to be no end to this.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      It’s definitely frustrating when kids don’t do what we need them to do, especially when we make an effort to be calm and kind.

      The way you’re starting your day is great—I’m sure he also appreciates the cuddles in the morning. You can even wake him up earlier just so you can have this special moment to start the day.

      But if he doesn’t want to wake up and you need him to get going, I would let natural consequences do the teaching for you. For instance, what does he lose out on because he didn’t wake up in time? Maybe he now has to go to school or wherever you’re going in his pajamas or with messy hair or an empty stomach because he chose to sleep in. Maybe he doesn’t get to play as long in the mornings like he usually does. Maybe it means he has to sleep earlier that evening since he clearly needs his sleep in the morning.

      Whatever you decide, let him know ahead of time the consequence. You can say, “I know it feels good to stay in bed in the morning, but you have a choice. You can stay in bed, but that means [fill in the blank]. Or you can wake up right now and still get time to [whatever he wants to do].

  6. For at least a year now, my 3 year old is so well behaved and wonderful for 2-3 weeks then she always has a week right after where her behavior is horrible—defiant, disrespectful, etc. Not just with me but at daycare too. It has extended to 1.5 weeks at this point and I am losing it because I have already taken away all of her favorite things and she just doesn’t care. Please help!!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      It’s definitely rough when kids seem to take a turn out of nowhere, going from well-behaved to the complete opposite. I also agree that confiscating items just for the sake of it can be ineffective, especially when they don’t care about not having any of their items.

      I usually try to tie in the consequences to their behavior so that it’s a natural result. For instance, if she refuses to clean up her toys, that might mean that you’ll have to clean it up yourself and put it away for the rest of the day.