Do you apologize to others for your child’s shyness? Here’s why you shouldn’t apologize about your shy child — and what to do instead.
“My toddler’s day care provider told me he was a shy child,” my friend said. We had been talking about shy kids and how adults commonly regard them.
She continued, “To be honest, my heart sank. I grew up a shy child, so I was hoping he would take after his dad and be a bit more outgoing. But then I realized that shyness isn’t all that bad.”
I agree—it’s unfortunate we demote shy kids below their more outspoken counterparts.
Why do adults equate shyness with negativity, particularly with kids? Maybe we’re easily charmed by outgoing people. Children who perform get more attention than those who hide behind their parents.
Then enter the fears that plagues every parent. We fear people will see our kids’ shyness as weak or vulnerable. Maybe we’re scared that shyness is a symptom of a larger delays or social awkwardness. Or maybe we worry that introverted kids won’t be popular or well-liked among their peers.
Why you shouldn’t apologize about your shy child
But we don’t have to stigmatize shyness. For one, we need to stop equating shyness as an inherent trait in people. I’m willing to bet that even the most outgoing person has her shy moments. I’m an introvert—I prefer working alone than in groups. But call me in a meeting with some coworkers and I’ll socialize and make my points.
Children too have their moments of shyness that don’t define them. I know a seven-year-old who may be a shy girl, but in the comforts of her own home, can act funny.
Why do kids act shy?
I’m sure a slew of biological reasons make some people more likely to have shy episodes than others. I would also think some kids are more cautious, particularly around new people.
Others might need more personal space and prefer playing alone. And even others need to observe before jumping in on the action. Notice that these reasons shouldn’t mark introverted kids as second to extroverted ones.
My friend and I kept talking about this shy stigma. In her son’s case, she explained, “I don’t know if I agree with his caregiver’s assessment. When he’s with us or people he knows, he’s nowhere near shy.”
Isn’t that true even for adults?
Don’t we get flustered with people we’ve just met or with others who make us nervous or even intimidate us?
Unlike children though, we’re better equipped with social cues on how to handle ourselves. When we meet someone who makes us nervous, we don’t run to the other room.
Accepting our kids for who they are, shyness and all
Instead of wishing away shyness, we can accept kids for who they are. Let’s raise them in ways that will help cultivate the traits they do have.
Introverts—from working alone so much—tend to produce excellent work because we’re in deep flow and focus, says Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking (affiliate link).
Introverts are also kind, perceptive and more likely to develop and maintain long-lasting friendships.
No apologies needed
Let’s stop apologizing for our kids when they hide behind our legs or don’t want to hug everyone in the room.
“Oh, she’s just shy,” some might say. That sends the message that how she’s feeling isn’t a good thing. She might not want to hug because she’d rather observe, or she needs personal space.
Instead, acknowledge that she doesn’t feel like saying hello right now. Then, respect your child’s choice no matter what mood she is in.
We’ve all had our shy moods. Apologizing for your child won’t make her feel any better—or less shy.
Get more tips:
- How to Respond when Friends Criticize Your Parenting
- Stop Comparing Your Kid to Others
- When Your Kid Doesn’t Play the “Right Way”
- 4 Things You Definitely Shouldn’t Say about Other People’s Children
- 9 Useful Techniques for Dealing with Anxiety in Young Children
What are your reasons why you shouldn’t apologize about your shy child? Do you worry about your child’s shyness? Do you think “shy kids” get an unfair disadvantage compared to more outgoing kids?
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Just because they’re shy for a season doesn’t mean they always will be. I was shy when I was little. My oldest sister was too, until one day she declared to my mom, “I’m not gonna be shy anymore.” and she wasn’t! I have a spectrum of personalities in my kids and they all have had their shy stages. I don’t think there’s a good or bad to it, just is what it is. Some people develop a debilitating degree of shyness to where it is more like a phobia – they don’t leave their house or go beyond a certain radius… this is extreme, a disease. But I think most childhood shyness is completely normal.
I love your comment about shyness being neither good or bad; it is what it is. And yes, more often than not, unless it’s really debilitating and making it difficult for the child to interact regularly, then it’s perfectly normal.
I feel as if people also equate “shyness” thinking that the kid doesn’t like them. My daughter is not shy, but she has her moments and people get their feelings hurt when my daughter wants to hide behind her parents for awhile.
To be honest, I would much rather have a child that is cautious around people she doesn’t know very well. I don’t want her comfortable around strangers.
I get that too, Erika! When kids are shy, adults sometimes get hurt as if it were personal. Kids just don’t have the social means that we do to conduct themselves in a more acceptable way. So if they’re not feeling it, they won’t hide it, including being shy.
I also would much prefer it if my kid hesitates around strangers. I would get a little scared if he was super comfortable with every stranger.
“we can accept kids for whichever characteristics they exhibit and raise them in ways that will help cultivate the traits that they do have” Exactly. Our daughter goes through phases and is more shy with some people than others. It’s normal and shouldn’t be apologized for.
Steph, absolutely—all of us are likelier to be shy around certain people over others. No one apologizes for us when we’re not exactly super comfortable around some people, and the same should hold true for the kids. Instead, we can highlight the traits our kids have, shyness and everything.
This has come up with Baguette–in fact, I’ve got a draft post waiting for revision. I think she doesn’t quite fit her day care’s norm, and I don’t see that as a problem. (I don’t see their norm as a problem, either.)
I’m looking forward to reading your take on this subject!
This is such a great post. I guess Livi could be considered “shy.” I am an introvert but my husband is not and for him it is really hard to accept that Livi isn’t as outgoing as he would like. I think she is just taking her time to get to know others and I don’t mind.
I hate it when she hides behind me and people immediately call her shy. I don’t want her to make choices later on with that label already engrained in her mind. But it is hard to keep others from saying it; even my husband says it sometimes as if we would have to apologize for something.
I think we’ve all said it at one point anytime our kid hides behind us. Like Erika mentioned above, it’s almost like we’re concerned that the other people might get hurt that our kid “doesn’t like them” (which is so not true, usually). I imagine that it’s pretty hard for your husband to handle Livi’s inhibitions, considering that he seems to have a different temperament than hers. Socially, it’s probably easier to handle an extroverted child but every temperament has its own pros and cons.