How to Stop Being the “Bad Guy” with Your Kids

Do you feel like you’re squashing the fun for being strict and holding your ground? Learn how to stop being the bad guy with your kids.

How to Stop Being the Bad Guy with Your KidsDo your days feel like you’re squashing out the fun for being strict and holding your ground? You’re trying to have a fun, positive moment with your kids, but you can’t seem to go a minute before disciplining them yet again.

You want them to ride their scooters in the yard, but have to stop them from crashing into the flower bed. They’re having a blast playing chase, but you have to step in when they hurt one another. And you can’t seem to let it go when they don’t listen to instructions.

No matter how hard you try not to be the “bad guy,” you still feel crummy in the end.

Sure, there are days when you don’t have to referee their every move and you feel like a good mom. But takes a lot of energy to maintain this composure and keep your temper in line.

How to stop being the bad guy in parenting

No one wants to be the “bad guy” with their kids, especially when they see other adults as fun and carefree. It drives you nuts that you’re the only one who disciplines them, or when you’re constantly on the lookout for their behavior.

Here’s the thing: It’s okay to be firm and set boundaries while still being loving and kind. You can keep them safe and stay consistent with the rules while enjoying yourself too. Take a look at how to discipline your kids without being the bad guy in their eyes:

How to Set Boundaries with Kids

1. Apply matter-of-fact consequences

Parents can seem like the “bad guy” because the consequences feel like they’re derived from a personal vendetta. You’re upset, you enforce a consequence that has nothing to do with the misbehavior, and you probably did so angrily.

Instead, detach yourself from the situation and enforce natural consequences as much as possible.

For instance, if your child is drawing markers on herself, take away the markers. Or if she refuses to put away her toys, cut back on your park outing because she took too long with clean up time.

Avoid threatening your kids with, “If you don’t stop drawing markers all over yourself, I’m going to take away your special bear.”

Then, speak calmly and firmly. Remove your emotions from your disciplining (it’s hard, I know). Taking away her markers is something that had to happen not because of you, but because she wouldn’t listen. Kids need to learn that their actions caused the consequences, not you being mean or the “bad guy.”

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Free resource: Exhausted and feeling guilty from constantly losing your temper with your child? Even if it seems like you’ve tried just about everything, you can stop losing your temper if you start from the inside out and change from within.

In How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper, you’ll learn how to reflect on your habits and triggers, and what you can do when you feel that rush of anger. Join my newsletter and grab your PDF below—at no cost to you:

How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper

2. Assess your intentions

Before you discipline your kids, ask, “Why am I doing this?”

We sometimes let anger get in the way of positive parenting. When our kids misbehave (or when we have a bad day), we snap and dole out discipline based on anger, stress, or impatience.

We might be in the kitchen frantically cooking dinner when they demand our attention. Short on time and patience, we belt out another consequence without assessing the situation. We make things worse when the situation could have been better averted with a gentle and firm tone.

So, ask yourself what your true intentions are. If they have more to do with your own needs than your kids’, stop and take a breath. Disciplining should be for their benefit.

3. Be on the same page as your partner

Discipline is one of the areas of parenting where both parents should agree on and enforce the rules equally.

This gets especially tricky when one parent is more lenient while the other tends to be strict. You’ve divided authority into the good guy/bad guy roles that aren’t pleasant for either parent (or your kids).

The lenient parent, while seemingly more fun and permissive, will have zero authority when the moment calls for it. Meanwhile, the strict parent will have too much authority and its ensuing stress, lack of joy, and frustrations.

Erase the divide in authority by parenting with your partner. Disagreeing with one another in front of your kids shows them how quickly one can waver, or even highlight the weakness in your discipline.

Don’t leave disciplining duties to one parent, either (“Just wait until your dad comes home”). Doing so undermines one parent’s authority and paints the other as the bad guy to be feared.

And finally, establish your rules (preferably in private) with one another. When the moment to discipline arises, each parent knows how to respond, regardless of which one of you happens to be there.

Learn how to work through parenting disagreements.

Parenting Disagreements

4. Discipline the behavior, not the child

Your kids might feel attacked by the “bad guy” parent because you don’t distinguish between the behavior and the child performing it. They might feel like you’re attacking who they are, versus correcting the actions they made.

They need to feel assured that your discipline is aimed to correct their behavior, not who they are within. Tell them, “I love you no matter what. Even if you’re throwing a tantrum or not listening, I still love you. Even if you’re sleeping, I love you. No matter what.”

This is also where we need to remove words like, “Bad boy!” (or even “Good boy!” for that matter). Don’t say “You’re so frustrating,” or “You’re always misbehaving.” (They’re not always misbehaving, right?).

Instead, correct the misbehavior and even empathize and label the emotion. “It looks like you’re feeling tired and sad. But I can’t let you pull on the curtains because they could break.”

5. Don’t hold grudges

Some of our kids’ outbursts are so… grand that they imprint into our memories for hours or even days afterward.

However stressful your child’s antics just put you through, remember you’re the bigger person. You need to decide to forgive, understand his development, and eventually return to your loving ways.

You don’t have to be chipper after he threw a tantrum, but withholding your love as punishment doesn’t build a strong relationship. If he wants to play and you’re not in the mood, explain that you feel tired. And if he’s trying to “break the ice” and make amends, don’t hold back.

6. Give a reason

And not “because I said so.” (Don’t worry, I’ve said these words a few times, even if I swore I wouldn’t.)

Kids are more obliging when we explain why we’re telling them to do or not do something. “Can you keep your voice down? Your brothers are sleeping.” or “Let’s start putting your toys away so we can find them tomorrow.”

Just as we want to detach ourselves from the rules, we also want to apply the same matter-of-fact reasoning behind them. Rules don’t exist to make life less enjoyable for kids. They have a reason, and one that would likely benefit our kids (like being able to find their toys the next day).

Explaining the reason also makes them complicit in the tasks. It’s not parent versus child—it’s parent and child on the same side with the same goals.

7. Discipline with respect

You can be strict, firm, and unyielding, but you should also show respect even as you discipline.

Don’t belittle him for being a child, or for not being able to communicate as well as you can. Avoid abusing your authority and coercing him to do what you want just because you’re the adult.

Instead, work with his temperament, however challenging it may be. Put his best interests in front of yours. Understand his developmental milestones and what he can and can’t do yet. And speak to him with the same compassion and respect as you would anyone else.

8. Redefine “discipline”

What comes to mind when you hear the word “discipline”? Maybe you thought “punishment” or “consequences,” about what we do when our kids misbehave, or different parenting styles.

But discipline is more than that—it’s teaching. When we discipline, we teach our kids how to behave, regulate their emotions, calm themselves down, and think of other people’s feelings. These are the skills we want them to have when they grow up.

Forget power struggles or parent-child battles. Instead, think of yourselves as being on the same side—you’re teaching him how to behave and giving him the skills he needs to learn.

Conclusion

Feeling like the “bad guy” with your kids isn’t fun for anyone involved, but now you can take steps to turn things around.

Apply “matter of fact” consequences that tie into your child’s behavior. Ask yourself why you’re disciplining so that you don’t do so out of anger. Be on the same page as your partner so that you’re both abiding by similar rules and enforcing them equally.

Then, address your child’s behavior, not who she is as a person. Avoid holding grudges after she throws a tantrum or doesn’t listen unless you yell. Give a reason for your instructions so she understands why she has to do them. Discipline with respect and compassion.

And finally, remember that discipline is less about punishment than it is about teaching her how to behave and cope with her emotions.

You truly can enjoy being with your kids without feeling like the “bad guy”—even if they nearly ride their scooters into the flower bed.

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6 Comments

  1. My trigger is when my 5yr old says no to getting in the bath. He takes ages to get undressed, says he wants to take his toys with him, all these stall tactics. Then, when he’s in, he doesn’t want to get out! I can’t win!! He starts arguing and answering back. I’m tired and by this time, it’s already been an hour. Can you help me?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      It’s definitely rough when nothing makes our kids happy. I’ve learned not to give in to these unreasonable demands, because they’ll always do the opposite of what they had just said lol. What I find to turn things around is to show empathy toward them. For instance, you could hug him when he’s upset about bathing, and say, “I know it’s hard to stop playing to take a bath, especially when you’re having so much fun…” etc.

  2. My child cannot stand me at all. I don’t shout, but I’m the one drawing the boundaries and limits. His dad doesn’t want the bad cop role. Now my child is bent on “I don’t like you” for everything.

    Weird thing is I am the one who spends quality time with him from gardening, parks, riding bicycle, all the 4 year old stuff, etc.

    It’s very frustrating and painful.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Kira, It’s definitely tough when you’re seen as the bad guy, even though the discipline you do is necessary. Try to get on the same page as his dad so that you’re both consistent with discipline. That way, your child knows that this is for his benefit, and not that you’re just being mean.

  3. I’m prone to depression and I struggle with not holding a grudge or having an emotional hangover after negative experiences.

    Any tips? Better self-talk?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I can totally relate to “holding a grudge,” as I find I do that sometimes, too. It always amazes me that kids can move on so easily and quickly from a negative experience, and here I am still harboring resentment and anger.

      One thing that has really helped me is the idea of “climbing a ladder” of emotions. I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves by assuming that we have to go from extremely angry and upset to totally fine and enjoying the moment. That’s quite a feat and not something that anyone I know can do.

      Instead, we have to think of emotions as a ladder, where the really challenging ones are on the bottom, and the ones that give us most joy are on the top. If you feel depressed and down, you might be on the bottom of the ladder. But instead of expecting to jump to the top to joy and love, what if you simply moved up one rung of the ladder, to maybe anger? Then from there you can go to disappointed, then to annoyed, and so forth. The idea is that we shouldn’t aim to be super joyful right away, but to continue to move up the ladder, celebrating any progress we’ve made. So if you can move from depression to anger, that’s actually a good step. Keep going, until eventually you feel happy once again.

      I hope that helps, Cynthia. I can certainly relate and understand, and hopefully this idea of giving yourself the grace to move at a pace that’s more aligned with how emotions go will give you reassurance.