4 Ways to Help Your Older Child Handle the Baby’s Crying

Dealing with a baby crying is hard for parents AND older siblings. Learn how to help your child handle a baby crying all day (and night!).

Help Your Child Handle a Baby Crying

“When are they leaving?” my eldest asked a few days after we brought the twins home.

Those first few weeks tested my patience. Sure, I was a second-time mom, so I learned from my mistakes and knew that the newborn madness would get easier.

Still, it took my older son a few weeks to adjust to his brothers, and a few more after that to adjust to their crying.

Welcoming a new baby—and all his crying glory—is hard enough for us parents. Now imagine your older child hearing her baby sibling’s cries, over and over, day after day.

This on top of all the changes in her life, from less attention from her parents to the emotional toll a new baby takes.

How to help your child handle a baby crying

Deep breaths, friend.

It’s normal for your older child to get upset when the baby cries, withdraw to herself, or even cry alongside the baby. And with the demands of caring for a newborn top of mind, helping her handle a crying infant can be a challenge.

Still, teaching her how to respond to the baby’s cries is important, not only to prevent outbursts but to reassure her that this is normal. Here’s how to help her cope with the new baby’s constant crying:

1. Stay calm when your baby cries

What are your instincts when your hear the baby cry? Do you drop everything and rush to her aid, even if she was only whimpering? Or do you take your time and finish what you were doing before checking in?

How you react can affect your older child’s anxieties about the baby’s crying. When she sees you calm and in control, she’ll mirror your emotions. She’ll trust that the baby’s cries don’t always mean something terrible is wrong.

Give it a few seconds before you jump in and rush to the baby. You can even say to your older child, “Looks like the baby is crying. What do you think she needs? Maybe she needs us to burp and pat her on the back.” Invite her to problem solve and help as a big sister.

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2. Explain that crying is the only way babies can “talk”

If only babies (and toddlers, for that matter) could communicate with words from day one. Instead, we’re left to decipher their needs based on their cries.

Except your child might not know this.

He assumes the baby’s incessant wails must mean something terrible has gone wrong. He thinks the worst and likens it to his own experiences with crying. (Even if all the baby cried about was because you didn’t roll up his sleeves. True story.)

Instead, explain that crying is the only way babies can communicate. You might say, “Let’s see why he’s crying,” or “What do you think he’s trying to tell us?”

Continue to hold a conversation with the baby within earshot of your older child. You can say, “Oh, you were telling mama you had a dirty diaper, weren’t you?”

Then tell your older child, “Babies can’t talk yet like you and me, not until they’re bigger. So now, the only way they can tell us anything is by crying. It doesn’t always mean they’re hurt or sad.”

And finally, compare it to typical requests he would make. For instance, say, “You know how you let us know you’re hungry and want a snack? Sometimes the baby cries because he’s letting us know he’s hungry too.”

Yes, babies usually cry to express frustration—they don’t cry because they’re in a happy mood. But crying isn’t always disastrous. It could mean that they’re cold, bored, over-stimulated, or another common reason that isn’t as terrible as we assume.

Of course, sometimes they are upset—uncomfortable tummy aches, nausea, fever, hunger, pain. The dreaded Witching Hour. And other times, a baby’s temperament or a colicky baby means more frequent crying than another baby his age.

But older kids need to know that not all cries are equal, and that sometimes a fussy baby is just letting you know he wants comfort or needs to sleep in the crib.

Expert tip

To help your older child sleep better, turn on a fan or white noise in his room to drown out the baby’s cries.

Newborn Witching Hour

3. Tell your child that babies won’t always cry like this

You’ve already been through the newborn phase at least once, so you know that babies won’t always cry this much. Even their actual cries will evolve as they grow from newborn to infant to toddler and beyond. So the endless crying? They’re not endless…

…Except to your older child, who may have no idea that babies grow, much less stop crying.

Easy enough for adults to understand these changes—we accept life’s hardships knowing they’ll eventually end. As such, we can forget that our young kids may not know this.

Explain to your child that babies will grow and find new ways to communicate. They cry now because they don’t know how else to share their needs, but in time they’ll learn to ask for food with words. They’ll crawl to us when they want company, and smile to reciprocate our love.

They’ll also better acclimate to their new surroundings. We forget that they’ve been in our wombs and must now adjust to this foreign environment. Imagine uprooting yourself from the only life you know and adjusting to a new place you’re not used to.

I’d cry too.

But with time and love, they adjust. They’ll lean on routines and predictability to ease fears they may have, and their world won’t be so foreign anymore. They’ll enjoy this new home of theirs, and crying won’t be so frequent.

Learn how to survive the first few weeks with a newborn and toddler.

Newborn and Toddler

4. Attend to your older child first

You have two kids crying: your newborn and your toddler. Who should get your attention first?

Your toddler.

Assess the situation, and if the baby looks like she could wait, attend to your older child first.

Of course, at times the baby comes first. But should both kids need you, address the needs of your older child, however briefly, before turning to the baby. Or, if there’s a quick fix to tend to the baby (like giving him a pacifier, putting him in the swing, or wrapping him a swaddle), then do that.

But for the most part, make sure your older child doesn’t feel ignored.

By tending to his needs first, he won’t feel shunned or neglected, or associate the baby’s crying with negativity. He won’t harbor jealousy or resentment, and will instead learn to cope with the cries because he knows it doesn’t mean you’ll ignore him.

Conclusion

Your older child may have been so excited to welcome her new baby sibling, but now, not so much. You hoped she would take to being a big sister, but it’s not working. It tears your heart to see her upset when the baby cries, to regress and act like a baby herself, or to throw a tantrum at bedtime.

Makes you want to cry, too.

This is all normal. Kids don’t always understand that crying is the only way babies can talk. They don’t know that in time, the crying will die down in frequency and intensity.

But with your calm approach, she’ll learn that crying isn’t all bad, especially when you share your attention with both of them. And she won’t ask, “When is the baby leaving?” anymore.

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4 Comments

  1. I’m so glad I’m not the only one. It took my 2.5 year only a couple of weeks to adjust to her crying. Everytime she would cry he would or hiccup he would go off. It made upset. Didn’t know if he would get over it he would get that with kids too on and off. But he adores her now if she cries it doesn’t bother him I always said to him she’s hungry she doesn’t know how to talk

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      So glad to hear he eventually adjusted, Eva! It can be so hard for the older kids to handle not just the changes of a new baby but the cries that can often be confusing to them.

  2. If the older (7yr) child were rational and not already triggered. She understands these points when younger brother is not crying, but the heat of the situation requires one parent to actually take the older sister out of the house it’s so bad. Noise canceling headphones don’t work and rational thought is out the window when the youngest starts crying.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Randy! I know how difficult it is to have to handle not one, but two crying children at the same time. It sounds like the older child may be getting more “attention” when she cries, which could send the message that this is what she’s supposed to do. Maybe next time, see if you can address her tears but not in a way where it seems like it’s a really big problem. You can also turn to a coping mechanism that you talked about prior.

      For instance, if baby cries, and the 7-year-old starts crying too, you might say a simple, “It looks like you feel upset at hearing the baby cry. I need to tend to her first. Here, see if holding your stuffy can help you calm down.” Then tend to the baby. That way, she isn’t “rewarded” with extra attention when the baby cries and learns that it’s okay to calm down. Lastly, when she does calm down on her own, praise her for how she overcame that hurdle. You might say, “It looked like you had a hard time when the baby cried at first, but I’m proud of you for getting through it! You were able to calm down by holding your stuffy in your room!”