When Your Child Is Scared at Extracurricular Activities

You hoped the lessons and classes would be fun, but instead, your child is scared at extracurricular activities. Here’s how to help kids cope.

Child Is Scared at Extracurricular ActivitiesYou don’t get it. Your child is a champ with daycare drop-offs and has no problem saying goodbye to you every morning. But in every structured activity you’ve enrolled her in—soccer, swimming, ballet class—she clings to you for dear life.

You want her to enjoy after-school activities, grow independent, and build her confidence. Instead, she’s getting discouraged, hysterical, and unwilling to part from you with every activity you sign her up for.

You’ve been patient, no matter how frustrating it can be. It makes you wonder whether you did the right thing in signing her up.

When your child is scared at extracurricular activities

I’ve dealt with plenty of separation anxiety, worried when my kids didn’t take to lessons or social situations.

During one swimming class, my son sat on the sidelines for the entire hour, refusing to get in the water even though he’d already had a previous lesson. Another son ran after me when he saw me walking away from him after dropping him off at a chess class.

And they’ve all had several cases of “mama-itis,” where they wanted me… and only me.

Feeling anxious about an extracurricular activity is normal for many kids. Regular caregivers don’t compare to the once-a-week teachers they’re still unsure of during these lessons.

And sometimes, the new environment contributes to their uncertainty. They might see their peers crying or feel anxious when they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing.

Finding a balance between comforting your child and knowing when to quit is key. You don’t want to shield her from every struggle and instead allow her to learn how to cope with it. But you also want these extracurriculars to be fun, not something she dreads or feels pressure from.

How can you help her take to these lessons, feel proud of herself for sticking it through, or know if or when to call it quits?

1. Set expectations

A new environment can feel overwhelming for your child. Setting expectations can help him feel better prepared and understand that this is all part of the plan.

For instance, before going to a swim class, you might say, “Today, we’ll put on your swimsuit and drive to swim class. You’ll go in the water, and the coach will help you and give you a paddleboard. Other kids will also be swimming around you.”

Paint a picture of what he might expect, as well as when he’ll know the class will be over. He might know that class is done when the kids start lining up for final jumps in the pool.

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2. Highlight the benefits

With so much to dread and feel scared of, what benefits can you offer your child about this new extracurricular activity?

Perhaps she gets to wear a spiffy new soccer uniform or has a chance to swim like Nemo. Maybe she develops her brain muscles in chess or learns martial arts moves like her favorite television characters. Maybe it’s being able to play outdoors in the field or paint a wonderful picture.

How might you tie in the activity with something she loves?

3. Stay calm

It’s easy to get frustrated and anxious when your child is scared of extracurricular activities. After all, you’ve already paid for the class, and you’re in the public eye. You had hoped and even expected him to love it, or he’s the only one who’s visibly upset among all the other kids.

But the most important thing to do is to stay calm.

Getting upset puts unfair pressure on him. He shouldn’t feel berated for his feelings and emotions, much less change them to satisfy your own. His social anxiety can be heightened when he sees yours. He might think, “Mom’s upset too. This really must be scary then!”

Instead, stay calm. Imagine the worst-case scenario and realize that this isn’t a big deal. Sit out a class if need be, and remember that every parent has experienced this at one point. You’re also modeling how to stay calm and collected, teaching him to stay calm despite his anxieties.

And hand him off to the teacher just as calmly and nonchalantly. Your confidence shows him that feeling scared at extracurricular activities isn’t necessary. You trust his teacher, the environment, and everything else that’s taking place.

4. Reassure your child that you’re nearby

Extracurricular activities are an exercise in overcoming separation anxiety. This is one of the few times your child isn’t with you or a regular caregiver she’s used to. She’s also with unfamiliar kids that she might only see once or twice a week.

That’s why it’s important to reassure her that you’re still nearby. In the first few lessons, make yourself visible, like by sitting in the front. Stay in the same spot so she knows where to look for you should she need to feel reassured you’re still there.

Let her know, even before the class, that you’ll be watching her having fun not far away.

5. Know when to call it quits

Quitting an activity because of your child’s anxiety is never a good feeling. You don’t want him to think that he can quit when things get hard, or that you’re rewarding his behavior. You’ve also already paid for the class, and want him to reap the benefits of the activity and the new skills he can learn.

But sometimes, quitting a class isn’t a failure on your part, especially when you’ve tried all you can.

How do you know when it’s time? Give it a few tries and even let him in on your plan. “Let’s at least try this for one month and see how it goes from there.” Or “We already paid for eight weeks of the class. Let’s finish this up, and then we’ll see if you want to keep going after then.”

That way, he can stay committed for a finite period without feeling locked in forever.

But if you’ve given the class a shot and he’s still as hysterical (or even gets worse), it’s likely time to ditch the class. Not every child loves particular extracurricular activities. There’s nothing wrong with yours if he doesn’t love dance class, scouts, or music lessons.

The intention was good, but if the classes are causing more stress, it’s just as fine to let it go and try another time or activity. Try to tie in something that he is interested in. He may not like team sports like basketball or hockey, but loves the creativity of singing and building with blocks.

Conclusion

Extracurricular activities are supposed to be fun and enriching, so it’s difficult when your child doesn’t enjoy them. Thankfully, you can ease her anxieties and fears in many ways.

Start by setting expectations, from what can happen during the class to everything leading up to it. Highlight the benefits she gets from going to the class. Stay calm during the entire ordeal, especially when you hand her off to the teacher.

Reassure her that you’re nearby, staying in the same visible spot so she knows where to find you. And lastly, give her a set time to give the class a try. If, after that period, she’s still just as scared and anxious, then consider dropping the class and finding other options.

No more clinging onto you for dear life, friend. Now you and your child can enjoy extracurricular activities the way you imagined.

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