How to Be a Good Mom (Even When You Feel Discouraged)

Feeling discouraged about motherhood? You CAN be the best mom to your kids. Learn how to be a good mom with these important tips and reminders!

How to Be a Good MomWe’ve all had those days.

Those days when you yelled at your toddler just because he kept turning the light switch on and off. When you woke up delirious in the middle of the night with the baby and thought, “What have I gotten myself into?!”

When you resorted to doing everything you swore you’d never do, like giving your kids junk food or letting them watch an extra hour of television.

Trust me, I can relate. All those examples above (including the silly light switch)? Yup, that was me.

You see, after years of talking about parenthood, I learned that a “good mom” isn’t some lofty goal that hardly anyone will reach. It’s certainly not the perfect birthday parties and daily craft curriculum you sometimes see.

Instead, it’s the simple things—things you probably already do but don’t give yourself credit for. Pediatrician Dr. Harley A. Rotbart says it’s not about having the right parenting approach or philosophy. Instead, it’s the very fact that you’re even showing up. She writes in The New York Times:

“The parents who read books about raising children are not the ones I’m worried about. Whichever approach they pick, their kids have a good chance of turning out fine — just by virtue of having parents concerned enough to read a book on the subject.”

The fact that you’re here already speaks volumes, regardless of the piles of laundry at home or that you yelled at your toddler (out in public, no less).

That said, there are a few things I’ve found that great moms who feel fulfilled tend to do. And it’s not about finding that elusive “work-life balance” or giving their kids nine servings of vegetables a day. Take a look at these simple things you can do to be the good mom you want to be:

1. Pay attention

One of the best gifts we can give our kids is our attention. This doesn’t always mean the time spent with them, but how much you observe and listen.

For instance, does your newborn like to use a pacifier, or do you find he sleeps better in the swing? What triggers your toddler to throw a tantrum, and is that something you can prevent and avoid? How comfortable is your child in social settings—does she feel drained or energized by large groups of people?

Then there’s the attention that happens by listening, the kind that goes beyond hearing their stories and words. Do you consider their point of view, or is it your way all the time? Can you read between the lines and see that your toddler’s misbehavior is her way of saying she needs you right now? Do you understand that her grievances and anxieties are real for her, even if it’s about a lost toy?

Paying attention isn’t about the hours of the clock but how attuned you are with your child.

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2. Give your child space

Do you get the sense that parents these days are more hands-on than even just one generation ago? You’re not alone. Research found that parents today spend more hours on kids than they did 50 years ago.

These days—even with the best intentions—we hover over our kids, micromanaging their every move. We shield them from disappointment and try to provide the best opportunities. We’re more involved in their lives than ever before.

The trouble is, this doesn’t exactly help kids become independent, self-sufficient, or responsible. They can’t entertain themselves, have little sense of self, and are terrified of making mistakes. After all, when have they been given the chance to?

Yes, provide guidance and support in a loving way, but don’t feel like you need to be with your child 24/7. She’ll make mistakes and feel disappointed and frustrated. But this is the perfect time for her to “practice” recovering from these inevitable situations while she’s still young and the stakes aren’t too high.

3. Help your child make good choices

At the end of the day, our job is to raise future adults. And, hopefully, future adults who make choices not out of fear of punishment or for reckless ambition. Rather, future adults who make choices based on what they feel is the right thing to do—even if it’s not easy, and even if it’s not popular.

This is why getting kids to listen using rewards or punishment might “work” for a while, but not when you have the bigger picture in mind.

Kids will make plenty of mistakes, the kind that makes you say, “I already told you not to do that a hundred times!” It’s all part of childhood. Your role is to help your child understand the consequences of her mistakes, and what she can do better next time.

4. Do what’s best for your child

What your child wants isn’t always what’s best for her, whether it’s sleeping in your bed yet again or getting every toy she asks for.

This goes for what you want as well. As tempting as it is to raise your voice or tune out, you know that neither is what’s best for her, at least right now.

So, it’s all about finding that balance and considering whether the choices you make are what’s best for her. For instance, that bag of potato chips isn’t going to damage her forever, so long as you’re giving her a healthy diet overall.

And between the two of you, you’re the adult, the “bigger person” who sometimes has to put her pride, needs, and wants aside because she needs you to. You’re the one who makes the best decisions for your family.

5. Learn from your mistakes

No doubt about it, we’ve made our share of mistakes… and will continue to. There’s no such thing as a perfect mom. Don’t see this as a bad thing, but as an inevitable fact of life we can use to our advantage.

You see, motherhood gives us so many chances to improve ourselves. Instead of feeling down or wallowing in self-pity, we can learn from these experiences. We can use them to find better ways to raise our kids in a way that works best for our families.

Yes, you messed up by taking your child on an errand when you knew she was cranky and already exhausted. But guess what—that epic meltdown she threw now serves as a lesson on prioritizing her sleep or perhaps helping her cope with frustration.

Yes, you yelled at her for hitting her brother, but you also learned that sibling rivalry triggers your temper, and what you can do the next time it happens.

A good mom doesn’t just move on from these experiences, or worse, blame others or her circumstances for why they keep happening. Instead, she finds all the ways she can change for the better.

6. Think of how far you’ve come

Think about all the things you tell yourself that aren’t helpful:

“I’m not a good mom.”

“Why am I always scrambling to catch up with the mess at home?”

“I can’t seem to get my kids to listen.”

With these messages on repeat, no wonder you start to feel down about yourself. Instead, remind yourself of how far you’ve come.

Perhaps just months ago, your baby was still waking up multiple times a night and you could barely get a shower in. Think of how much calmer you’ve been, or how your kids have learned to work out their conflicts on their own thanks to your help.

As I say in my book, You Are Enough:

“With every age and stage, new challenges will pop up, making it easy to feel like you’re not getting anywhere. But when you look back at all you’ve overcome, then you realize, you’re one heck of a mom.”

Conclusion

Every mom has wondered whether she’s doing a good job. But as Dr. Rotbart said, the very fact that you’re here means you’re already on the right path. And that being a good mom is less about finding the right parenting method as it is about being intentional with your choices.

It starts by paying attention—listen and observe your child so that you can get to know him and his needs. Give him the space to make mistakes, find his sense of self, and develop into the future adult he’ll be.

Help him make good choices, not by rewards or punishment, but by guiding him through the values you support. Allow him to experience the consequences of his choices instead of saving him from mistakes. Do what’s best for him, even when it’s hard for both of you.

Use the mistakes you’ve made to improve yourself, and always remember how far you’ve come. It’s easy to feel discouraged when all you see are the struggles and challenges. It takes looking back at where you used to be to see the amazing mom that you are.

You see, you’re a good mom. I’m not sure when you last heard that sentence, so I’ll say it again: you’re a good mom. And your kids will turn out more than all right. Yes, even if you yelled at them just for playing with the light switch.

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4 Comments

  1. My biggest struggle is helping my daughter calm herself when she has a meltdown. They can come out of nowhere and last 15-30 minutes of pure sobbing and inability to talk about what’s wrong. I’ve tried being very comforting and consoling but it doesn’t have much effect. I’ve tried being stern (and feel horrible doing it) which has more success but I feel like a monster and it isn’t successful enough that I want to continue that pathway. She’s 4 and verbal. SHe’s very good at communicating, but when she has these meltdowns she’s so worked up and practically hyperventilating that she can’t talk. When I do finally get her calm and find out what’s wrong, it’s normally something small and I help her get the situation fixed. I also talked to her about what she could have done instead of crying. I need a better why to help her come down off the ledge and faster. She needs to learn how to calm herself as well. I fear for her entering school in the fall and having a meltdown and no one there to help her or no one willing to deal with it for such a long period. Any help is greatly appreciated!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Debbie! It’s definitely rough when kids struggle with difficult emotions. One thing I’ve found that helps calm them down quickly is to actually not say so much in trying to calm them down. Maybe that means holding her and rocking her in your arms, saying soothing simple words like, “I’m here, I’m here…” or using your body language and facial expression to show that you have compassion for what she’s going through. They can’t really understand reason and logic at this point, so it’s best to tap into their emotional side.

  2. I am forever comparing myself to other people’s lives and I really have no idea why as I should just live for the moment.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      It happens to all of us, yet we don’t see that everyone struggles at some point, even those who seem to have the perfect lives. We’re all doing our best.