Do you feel pressured to create the “perfect childhood”? Don’t add unnecessary stress—these are the things your kids will remember about you.
A mere toddler, I remember running to my mom as she came through the front gates. I had been sitting on the steps with my brother and sister when I saw her squat down and stretch out her arms.
At about five-years-old, I remember my sister and I vowing to stay up the entire night. To cap it off, we sneaked downstairs to the basement to watch The Flintstones at five in the morning. Feeling proud, we couldn’t imagine why our parents were furious when they found us.
Still another memory is when I picked up bits and pieces from the carpet, supposedly cleaning. I amused my parents by gathering just enough in my hand before tossing it over my shoulder once again.
Memory works in funny ways. They don’t form an overarching view or even play out like a two-hour movie. Instead, they’re little snippets—10-second sound bites—we tuck away in our minds.
Now that my kids are older, I wonder what memories they’ll remember well into adulthood. Will it be today, when we were lounging on the blanket spread on the floor? Or the times I sat on the couch with my phone while they’re playing cars? I’ll stop what I’m doing and wonder, “Is this a moment they’ll remember several years from now?”
What I learned is that memories don’t discriminate. They include good and bad, grand and small. We remember the big outings to Disneyland just as much as drawing pictures in our room.
These memories you’re creating will come together and form an opinion of their childhood.
And this is what your kids will remember:
It didn’t matter if you worked zero, 20, 40 or even more hours in a week at your job. More than likely, they’re not counting. What they will remember is that you did what you thought was best for them. Sometimes you did the only thing you could do for them.
Don’t feel bad because you see your kids a few hours in a day. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel like your child isn’t getting “enough stimulation.” We do what’s best, or what we enjoy, or even what’s necessary.
They’ll remember the times you lost your temper. I’ve yelled at my kids, sometimes so loudly my voice felt coarse afterward. Those are painful memories to me. I’m embarrassed and afraid my kids will remember them even more.
They’ll remember small moments just as much if not more so than vacations and parties. My first memory of a birthday party was when I turned three. I didn’t remember the balloons, the cake or the games I knew existed because I saw photos of them years later. Instead, I remember walking around toying with a bracelet someone had placed on my wrist.
Your kids will remember the time you let them crawl in your bed at night because they couldn’t fall asleep. They’ll remember you playing in the kitchen as they pretended to cook alongside you. Or planting seeds in the backyard. Or eating pancakes on the weekends.
Creating childhood memories doesn’t always need grand plans or extravagant activities. Childhood memories are important, but we don’t create and “finish” them. Instead, we continue to make them. Right now, you are forming memories with your child.
Creating beautiful holiday decorations or first back-to-school photos is fantastic. But only so long as you enjoy it and not because you feel obligated to.
Putting pressure on yourself to create the perfect childhood will be remembered as just that: a mom too focused on creating potential memories instead of living them.
And forgive yourself for mistakes you may have made. You are not alone. We’ve all regretted doing something with our kids. Maybe it was losing our temper or choosing the computer over spending time with them.
Because here’s the thing: you’re likely harder on yourself than your kids are on you.
Kids are some of the most forgiving people I know. They don’t hold grudges because you both had a standoff earlier in the day. While you’re stewing about the tantrum he had, he has already moved on from it. (Check out a few reasons we shouldn’t blame ourselves so much.)
Focus on the now. Enjoy your kids, whether you’re hanging Christmas ornaments or hanging around your living room. The little things can form our memories. You never know. They might remember something as simple as running into your arms as you walk through the front door.
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Your turn: What’s a recent or favorite memory you have with your child? What do you think your kids will remember about their childhood?
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I wonder the same – all the time. I pray they understand when I am tired or worn out… And I hope they remember the little things
Same here Tove. Just today I regretted being mean to my kiddo, and I had to think back on this post and remember to let it go.
Memories are so funny. I remember so many things from childhood that my parents don’t remember. And my 3 younger siblings and I all have different random memories that put together tell a much fuller story.
This is why I think traditions are so great. Because no one may remember one particular day, but everyone will remember that you made and ate a big breakfast together every Saturday morning.
I hadn’t even thought about traditions that way Steph, you’re right. Everyone will remember those special moments because they either were rare (like the holidays) or happened regularly (like Saturday breakfasts).
Oh Nina, thank you for writing this! I think we all (parents) need to be reminded of this. I know that I’m doing a good job with my babies, but one little outburst sends me spiraling down the rabbit hole of guilt. That hole always leads to: I hope they don’t save this ugly moment of me. I know it’s irrational, but kind of not, because like you said, we are random memory keepers.
Anyway, as usual you have such wonderful information on parenting that we can all use. THANK YOU!
XOXO
Aw Dean your words made me so happy. I just had that moment today with one of my kiddos. I wasn’t on my A-game, and I immediately thought about this post and wished so much he wouldn’t remember this. But then I realized that even if he does, he’ll know so much more of the good times. It doesn’t excuse poor parenting, just makes it more realistic.
This is lovely. I think most mothers feel like they are messing up. I have moments of guilt and moments of feeling like super mom. It is not going to be perfect, but there are definitely going to be perfect moments. Thanks for sharing.
Well said! We are all super moms and not-so-great moms.
Well said, Nina. I wrote in my journal a lot starting at age 8, and I can remember those things in greater detail because I wrote them down and reread them many times. But there are so many other little snippets of memories that I have that are just mundane, every day things. I wonder when my girls’ memories will begin. Three? Five? My husband remembers holding his grandpa’s hand (and even how it felt) while taking an every day walk, and his grandpa died when he was three. So it’s interesting what memories our brain chooses to store!
Thanks Charlee! I started journaling at 8 years old too! I have the journals from since I was 10 and they are definitely good reminders of what were important to me during those ages.
Them being less hard on us than we are on ourselves is a great thing to keep in mind! Thanks for this.
Definitely something I try to think about, Betsy!
It always amazes me what my kids remember. Especially on a day that I felt was ALL WRONG with my parenting, they’ll remember a hug, story and lollipop that happened. I love that ability to nitpick those nuggets.
My father died when I was so young, that it’s so odd what I do remember. If only he could have known those memories would have been so scattered.
Yeah, my memories from five and earlier are all snapshots and totally scattered. And yep, kids will remember the positive almost always. Thank goodness!
My first memories are strange things…like the alleyway behind our house in Texas, or the first time I met the girl that was my best friend in first grade. Though I do remember some moments when my parents were not at their best; the good and benign far outweigh the bad. I hope so much that our kids remember all the good times we’ve had and not the worn out and frustrated moments. I suppose it’s up to us to make sure that there are that many more good moments than not so good.
Weirdly I have mostly good memories of my childhood, though of course there are some moments in there where I remember crying and all that. It’s true though—we need to make sure most of their days are positive.
This is good food for thought. I know that I was spanked as a child, but the only ones I really remember are the one time my mom spanked me with a bedroom slipper (and it didn’t hurt at all) and when she spanked me right before bed and I had a diaper on ( and again, it didn’t hurt).
I hope my kids’ memories are as kind to me!
Wow those are really early memories Rabia, if you remember wearing a diaper! I also remember the few times my parents got angry with me, and really I think it was just two times or I must’ve had selective memory haha.
So sweet! I hope my kids remember the good times as well. I remember my dad making our favorite meals when we visited home from college. I remember from the ages of elementary school up to the time I could drive, they’d take us to the 3 amusement parks in our area. No small feat since they didn’t ride any of the rides but waited HOURS for us while we got on roller coaster after roller coaster.
Wow now that is dedicated! That’s so sweet your parents wanted you to enjoy the rides.
Awesome post, great read, and things I definitely need to remember to stay on top of.
Thank you Monique!
I worry about this all the time and my daughter is only 6 months old! I think it’s because I know what I remember of my childhood and much of it is not good, specifically my parents getting mad at me, which always did feel like my fault.
I’m sorry to hear about your childhood, Melissa. That’s great though that you’re going in a different direction with your daughter though!
My mother wasn’t a touchy person; I knew that she loved me & would always b there for me, but she wasn’t expressive. I remember one night (I don’t remember how old I was) I crawled into her bed & she hugged me so tight; & that’s how I fell asleep.
With my kids I’m always hugging them. Because to me that hug was so powerful. & if I felt it they would too.
I know what you mean. My parents weren’t the hugging type either, but there were many times when I’d crawl into my mom’s bed and sleep that way too. Like you, I’m much more expressive with my kids, making sure I hug them throughout the whole day. It really makes such a huge difference!
I don’t know what planet you are from but I remember every time I got yelled at. It hurt a lot! I couldn’t do anything right according to my parents. I couldn’t do something fast enough or correct. Criticism went on forever and they never let you forget it. It was abuse pure and simple. Do not ever YELL at your kids! I had ulcers at eight yrs. old and felt unloved. Luckily, I did the opposite with my kids and enjoyed them. Please, praise your children and tell them you love them often. Never yell!
So sorry to hear you had to go through that Renee. Abuse is serious and as you showed, can be detrimental even through adulthood. Definitely good to keep in mind how chronic loss of temper can affect our children.