We often hear that our kids test us when they misbehave. They test cause and effect and consequences, but THIS is also why your child is testing you.
My two-year-old refused to let me strap him into his car seat.
(Read more about what to do when your child throws a car seat tantrum.)
“No!” he screamed, arching his back so I couldn’t latch the buckles together (you know that move). I had just picked up all three kids from school and was desperate to finally get home. Dealing with another stubborn standoff wasn’t my idea of starting my afternoon.
We know the importance of standing your ground: We don’t want to be permissive or allow our kids determine the rules and their responsibilities. They need to function within limits so they don’t feel entitled. They’re also counting on us to help them manage their tantrums and frustrations.
And, of course, they’re testing us.
I once heard we should refer to the toddler stage not as the ‘terrible twos’ but the ‘testing twos.’ Because isn’t that so true? No one looks forward to a tantrum, of course. But when we realize they’re ‘testing,’ we can better see the root of why kids sometimes act up.
They test all the time, right from the start. The baby tests if dropping a spoon a second time will also make it fall to the ground like it did the first. The toddler tests whether slightly banging on the wall is acceptable versus the loud one he was doing.
And kids test your limits to see if you’ll follow through with the consequences you said you’d give.
All true. But beneath all that, your child is testing you on one important matter.
Your child testing to see if you’ll still love her.
This is why your child is testing you
Seems silly to think at first. We know we love our kids, even if we don’t always love their behavior. Even when they’re not pleasant.
But they don’t know that. They wonder if this tantrum—terrifying even to them—could be the one that will send you away.
They’re scared they might be unlovable when we call them annoying or ‘bad boy.’
They’re testing to see whether your love is conditional.
At such young ages, kids are learning about their emotions. They’re not born equipped with identifying feelings. They’re establishing their place in your family unit. And they test those around them to see how vulnerable they can allow themselves to be.
Kids test to see how vulnerable they can be with those around them.
And so they test their limits, not always to see if you’ll balk or hold your ground. But to see if you’ll stick around even after their defiance and tempers.
We need to hold our ground, establish authority and set limits. And we also need to reassure our kids that we love them, tantrums and everything.
Frustrations, temper tantrums, stubbornness—your kids aren’t just testing your backbone, but your unconditional love, too.
Want even more tips? I’d love to share with you my FREE PDF, 5 Tips to Raising a Strong-Willed Child! Discover 5 ways to nurture and work with—not against—your child’s inner spirit and strong personality:
Read more articles about parenthood and your child’s behavior:
- How to Discipline a Child: The Ultimate List of Resources
- How to Respond when Your Child Makes a Mistake
- The Surprisingly Simple Question You Should Always Ask Yourself before Disciplining Your Child
- What to Do When Your Child Says No to Everything
- Parenting Your Strong-Willed Child
Your turn: How does your child test you?
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Tamara says
October 30, 2015 at 12:38 pmThat’s so smart. The testing twos. And it’s amazing and terrible but mostly amazing! I hope we always pass our tests, meaning, they always know we love them.
Nina says
October 31, 2015 at 1:24 pmIt’s a new perspective, isn’t it?
Raki ( Outside the box mom ) says
October 30, 2015 at 8:13 pmMy 5 year old daughter likes to test me by slightly varying what she was just told not to do to see if THAT’S ok.
I’ll have to try telling her I still love her in that moment to see if it changes her behavior.
Nina says
October 31, 2015 at 1:27 pmHaha what is it with them and varying it up a bit? My kids do that all the time too. I tell them not to jump and they do it lightly lol.
Rea says
October 31, 2015 at 5:13 amI realize that now. And I’m very careful with my words when I get upset or annoyed. I agree that toddlers and even older kids test us a lot. My son even asks me sometimes if I’m mad at him.
Nina says
October 31, 2015 at 1:28 pmAw that’s the worst when they call us out on being mad. Happens to me all the time too Rea.
Leslie says
November 4, 2015 at 11:51 amUgh…how many times have I said “I love you, not your behavior.” Not sure they buy it all the time. Thanks for reminding us (me) to keep telling them over and over how much we really do love them.
Nina says
November 5, 2015 at 12:40 pmThat’s still good you tell them though Leslie.
lisacng @ expandng.com says
November 4, 2015 at 7:18 pmInteresting perspective on tantrums and also very accurate! Thanks the reminder to always show my kids love no matter their behavior.
Nina says
November 5, 2015 at 12:46 pmI wrote the post because of an incident with one of my kids. I was so convinced that he was testing me and my resolve, to see if I would crumble. And I realized that that could only be a small part of it.
Noemie says
March 19, 2016 at 1:39 pmMy almost 2yo tests me by running away from me. From inside to the street, or when we are walking, to the opposite direction. He laughs when he does this, he knows mommy is not happy but takes it as a game!
Nina Garcia says
March 19, 2016 at 9:35 pmMy three-year-old has done this, too. We’ll be walking from his preschool door to the car, and he decides to run in another direction, laughing all the while. Thankfully the lot is almost always empty but it’s not a habit I want to encourage. He hasn’t done it in a while and I tried to reiterate the ‘why’ behind why he can’t just go and do that (cars are coming and he might get hurt). It was definitely scary!