THIS Is Why Your Child Is Testing You

We often hear that our kids test us when they misbehave. They test cause and effect and consequences, but THIS is also why your child is testing you.

THIS Is Why Your Child Is Testing YouMy two-year-old refused to let me strap him into his car seat.

“No!” he screamed, arching his back so I couldn’t latch the buckles together (you know that move). I had just picked up all three kids from school and was desperate to finally get home. Dealing with another stubborn standoff wasn’t my idea of starting my afternoon.

We know the importance of standing your ground. We don’t want to be permissive or allow our kids to determine the rules and their responsibilities. They need to function within limits so they don’t feel entitled. They’re also counting on us to help them manage their tantrums and frustrations.

And, of course, they’re testing us, even if subconsciously.

I once heard we should refer to the toddler stage not as the “terrible twos” but as the “testing twos.” Because isn’t that so true? No one looks forward to a tantrum, of course, but when we realize they’re “testing,” we can better see the root of why they sometimes act up.

They test all the time, right from the start.

Babies test if dropping a spoon a second time will also make it fall to the ground like it did the first. Toddlers test whether slightly banging on the wall is acceptable versus the loud one they were doing. Maybe your child tests your limits to see if you’ll follow through with the consequences you said you’d give.

Follow Through with Consequences

All true. But beneath all that, he’s also testing you on one important matter:

Your child testing to see if you’ll still love him.

This seems silly to think at first. You know you love him, even if you don’t always love his behavior or when he’s not pleasant.

But he may not know that. He wonders if this tantrum—terrifying especially to him—could be the one that might send you away. He’s scared he might be unlovable if you imply that he’s being annoying or a “bad boy.” He’s testing to see whether your love is conditional.

At such a young age, he’s still learning about his emotions and establishing his place in your family unit. He’s not born equipped with identifying feelings, much less expressing them in ways you and I can.

And so, he tests his limits, not always to see if you’ll balk or hold your ground, but to see if you’ll stick around even after his defiance and tempers. To see how vulnerable he can allow himself to be.

Yes, hold your ground, establish authority, and set limits. Then, reassure your child that you love him, with tantrums and everything. With these temper tantrums and stubbornness, he’s not just testing your backbone, but your unconditional love, too.

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2 Comments

  1. My almost 2yo tests me by running away from me. From inside to the street, or when we are walking, to the opposite direction. He laughs when he does this, he knows mommy is not happy but takes it as a game!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      My son has done this, too. We’d be walking from his preschool door to the car, and he’d decide to run in another direction, laughing all the while. Thankfully the lot was almost always empty but it wasn’t a habit I wanted to encourage. I tried to reiterate the “why” behind the reason he can’t just go and do that (cars are coming and he might get hurt). It was definitely scary!