How to Work Through Parenting Disagreements

Are different parenting styles causing problems in your relationship? Learn how to handle parenting disagreements without losing your mind!

Parenting DisagreementsParenthood changes relationships, doesn’t it?

Even if you and your partner hardly fought before having kids, all that likely changed once you found yourselves raising a baby together. The challenges go beyond infancy, too—you may not agree with how to discipline or whose career takes precedence over the other.

You’re not alone. Nearly every relationship faces difficulties the minute kids enter the scene. And no wonder—take a look at some of the reasons.

4 reasons couples fight more after becoming parents

  • You and your spouse have more decisions to make together. Having kids forces you to make a ton of decisions, from how to put the baby to sleep to whether it’s okay for your toddler to eat a cookie. More decisions to make opens up more areas for you to discuss (and potentially disagree on).
  • You each may have had a different upbringing. Much of how we raise our kids depends on how we were raised. If you and your partner grew up with different upbringings, you might butt heads on how to move forward with your children.
  • You’re more stressed. Parenthood adds more challenges beyond directly raising kids. For instance, money might be extra tight, in-laws could intervene more than you’d like, or you argue about work and childcare logistics.
  • You have no time to talk like a couple. I’m not talking about date nights, either. Many of your conversations could center so much around parenting that you don’t have time to talk the way you used to. Daycare pick-ups or school lunches are your usual conversations.

How to handle parenting disagreements

As you can see, parenting can cause disagreements between couples in ways you may not have expected.

Maybe you disagree on how to discipline your child going through a defiant stage. You’re beyond exasperated when the other fights everything, but neither of you can agree on the solution. And even if you can convince your partner to see your point of view, he doesn’t commit 100% (then grumbles that “it doesn’t work”).

All these challenges add strain to your family life, making it difficult to parent on the same page.

If this sounds familiar, don’t worry—you’re not stuck. But it starts with shifting your mindset from trying to change your partner’s opinions to being open to them as well. It’s not about being on opposite sides so much as parenting on the same one.

Let’s take a look at how:

1. Acknowledge your partner’s point of view

What do you do when you don’t agree on discipline?

Let’s say you and your partner can’t agree on spanking: he thinks it’s the only way to discipline children, while you don’t think it’s effective or kind.

It’s easy to overlook the underlying reasons and emotions he’s going through when the focus is on spanking. Instead of focusing on the issue itself, dig deep and try to see his frustrations. Using our example with spanking, maybe he:

  • Tried other ways to handle your child’s behavior and feels that nothing else works
  • Was spanked as a child and doesn’t see it as abnormal
  • Feels stressed in other areas of his life, making it harder to be patient and show empathy
  • Is driven by fear and lack of control, realizing he has no idea how to respond to your child’s behavior
  • Feels overwhelmed with parenthood

Beyond your differences on how to discipline, deep down, he holds valid reasons that you too might face. Understanding his point of view is the first step in helping you be more patient, less defensive, and more open to working together as a team.

Apply the same thought process with other topics you disagree on. See what you can unearth from his point of view and what compromises you can make together.

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2. Listen to your partner’s suggestions and find valid points

Do you hold so tightly to your methods that you can’t hear your partner’s suggestions?

It’s fine for you to feel strongly about a topic, but he isn’t a random person, either. You not only care about him, but he may offer a different perspective that few would be able to see.

Let’s say you’re determined to breastfeed the baby but you don’t feel like he has been supportive. He even wants to use formula, at least on some occasions. It’s easy to see his suggestions as not being supportive, but think about the valid points he’s making.

Maybe he sees that you’re exhausted from middle-of-the-night feedings and wants you to feel happy again. Perhaps he wants to participate and bond with the baby and sees formula feeding as a way to do so. He could also be exhausted from the baby’s fussiness and believes he’s hungry for more.

These are valid points you can try to see instead of dismissing them right away. You may find you have more common ground, bringing you closer to coming up with new solutions you both agree with.

3. Explain your reasons and why they’re important to you

Parenting disagreements can feel like a courtroom sometimes: both sides feel so adamant about their points of view that we launch into defensive mode immediately.

We’ve already talked about being open to your partner’s opinion. As we saw, the intentions and reasons are valid, even if the decisions differ from yours.

Now it’s time to learn how to explain your point of view the same way. Why is this topic important to you? What deeper reasons are making you hold so tightly to your convictions? Could you also have deep-rooted fears and frustrations that come out as defensive and stubborn?

Peel away the wall and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Don’t feel like you have to defend your choices for fear of being hurt. Instead, explain your reasons in a way that’s easier for another person to relate to and understand.

For instance, if you feel strongly against spanking, explain exactly why. Maybe you feel that spanking sends conflicting messages about hitting, or that you’d rather discipline without fear.

Your partner might hesitate to see your side because he feels you’re too lenient and soft. If so, talk about how you can put your foot down kindly but firmly so your child still has the boundaries she needs. Explain how you can discipline without spanking while still holding your ground.

Rather than saying “No spanking” or “Do this my way,” explain why you feel this is important. You’re clarifying with one another what you mean without holding on so tightly to who’s right or wrong.

4. Remind yourselves that you have the same intentions

Anytime I disagree with anyone, I ask myself if we likely have the same intentions. Whether with coworkers, family, friends, or my husband, I find it reassuring when I remember that we’re aiming for the same goal.

Let’s say you disagree about using time outs. He sends your child to her room if she’s throwing a fit, while you’d rather keep her nearby and guide her through her emotions. You see him as harsh, and he sees you as rewarding poor behavior.

At this point, it seems like you can’t find any common ground to agree on.

But peel away the technicalities and you can see that you both want your child to learn how to manage her emotions. You realize that you both feel rattled and frustrated when she throws a tantrum. And at the end of the day, you both want her to grow into a well-adjusted adult.

Keeping in mind the “bigger picture” reminds both of you that you’re on the same team. Sure, you may have different opinions on how to get to that goal, but deep down, you both feel strongly about wanting what’s best for your child.

5. Come up with new solutions

One of the best ways to meet in the middle is to simply negotiate what you plan to do moving forward. Don’t think of negotiating as “losing.” This isn’t a battle, after all. The goal should be to try to come up with new solutions that work for your family, not always having the final say.

Let’s say you disagree on whether to sleep train your baby or not. He thinks the baby can eventually learn to sleep on her own, while you’re more than ready to sleep train.

See how you can meet in the middle.

Sleep training isn’t one of those things you can do inconsistently, but you can give it a trial period to see if it works. For instance, you might agree to find sleep aids to make bedtime easier for your baby. Or you can agree to try sleep training to see how that can improve her sleep.

If, after having given it a fair chance, you find that one idea doesn’t work, then at least you both agreed to try.

Remember to support one another, no matter whose idea it is that you’re trying. If you plan to sleep train, then he shouldn’t sit back and wait for the whole thing to flop. Similarly, be as willing to learn how to help your baby sleep with sleep aids. The goal is about what’s best for your baby, not who “wins.”

Lastly, don’t rub it in, especially if someone’s idea didn’t go as they hoped for. If he finds that your baby still relies on you to fall asleep and you’re beyond tired, don’t say “I told you so.”

6. Spend quality time together

I’ve found that frequent bickering is usually a signal that couples need to spend time together. Yes, you’re together every day, but much of that is you talking about logistics. Instead, find ways to reconnect so you’re not just being parents, but being a couple.

This might mean talking about what happened in your day, or not jumping on the laptop or phone the minute the kids are in bed. Be careful not to talk only about the kids, and include more meaningful topics in your conversations.

Parenting disagreements can often stem from one or both people feeling disconnected from the other. Spend quality time together, and you’re more likely to support one another.

Get more tips on how parents can make time for each other.

How Parents Can Make Time for Each Other

7. Put your child’s interests first

Imagine seeing your parents arguing… then feeling like it’s your fault.

We sometimes get so caught up with ourselves that we forget about the people who suffer the most with parenting disagreements: our kids.

Don’t let your child feel like she’s the reason you’re arguing. Instead, try to discuss it in private or, if the issue comes up in front of her, disagree maturely.

And try to be as consistent as possible. Flip-flopping between rules confuses her and disrupts the routine she’s trying to get used to.

Let’s say you only want her to watch 30 minutes of TV per day, but your partner isn’t as strict with the rule. With no consistency, she can’t take either of your word seriously, especially when she sees you argue about who’s right or not.

Conclusion

Nothing challenges couples more than having kids, especially when you can’t agree on parenting. It’s especially important to focus on yourselves and work as a team rather than further create a divide between you two.

Acknowledge your partner’s point of view to see where he’s coming from. Listen to his suggestions and you might find aspects you like and can support. Explain your reasons and why they’re important to you without feeling defensive.

When arguments seem to go nowhere, remind yourselves that you both have your child’s best interests at heart, even if you differ in how to get there. Come up with new solutions and support one another.

Since disagreements can surface because of a disconnect, spend quality time together. Lastly, put your child’s interests first—never let her feel like she’s the cause of your troubles.

Parenthood adds new challenges to any relationship, and disagreements can be both big and small. But by putting your relationship first and working as a team, you can come together—and emerge stronger because of it.

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6 Comments

  1. My biggest problem is the inconsistency of parenting. My husband doesn’t discipline my son for the most part. He knows that daddy rarely says “no” even after I put my foot down. He knows that, between the two of them, I’m fighting a losing battle. So he raises hell until he gets what he wants. Thank God, he doesn’t do it as much when it’s just the two of us. I don’t want my kid to be the little brat everyone dislikes. He’s such a sweet kid and that’s what I want the world to see. It’s what I would like to see when the three of us are together.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      Hi Kelly, thanks so much for your email <3 It's definitely rough when you're not on the same page as your partner. It seems like the deeper issues are really between the two of you than it is between you and your son. Because anything you do—potty train, put your foot down—can easily come undone when parents are inconsistent. See if you can talk to your husband about how you feel and how important it is to be on the same side with parenting.

  2. My husband gets so angry that he has to repeat himself so he yells and screams and we’re all very tense. He does not believe he should have to repeat himself. What’s a wife to do?

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      It’s definitely rough when one partner reacts in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable. I think the place to start is with an honest conversation with him, when you’re both calm, not when something is happening or someone’s upset. Show empathy with how he feels, share how you feel, and ask him for or make suggestions on what you can both do moving forward. I don’t know if it’s one clear cut answer. More than likely, he’s stressed too, but if anything makes the whole family tense, then it’s definitely worth addressing.

  3. My biggest struggle in parenting currently is trying to figure out how to co-parent. I am going through a divorce and it’s difficult to keep the heartbreak hidden from my son because I don’t want want him to worry (he’s six years old). It’s hard to co-parent with someone who I am still deeply in love with and I want to stay away so it won’t hurt but that is impossible.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I can imagine how difficult it is to go through a divorce and with children in the picture. I think you’re doing the right thing by focusing on his well-being and making sure he doesn’t worry. That he knows he’s loved, that many people go through this, that it has nothing to do with him, and that he will always be loved by the two of you.

      One thing that can really help him is to be consistent as much as possible. He’s going through so much, and the best way to calm their nerves is to make everything in their life as consistent as possible. Things like the time they go to bed, what they do every morning and in what order, the meals they have for breakfast, what time they get picked up from school, nightly rituals, weekend traditions, etc. That way, he can always point to this reassuring familiarity for the times when he feels pulled in different directions.

      Hang in there, mama! Sending lots of light and love your way during this time.