If Your 3 Year Old Tantrums Every Day, Try These Methods
Dealing with 3 year old tantrums every day is exhausting. Learn what’s normal for kids, as well as what to do if your child’s tantrums are getting worse.
Apparently, it was “opposite day” for my 3 year old.
When we went outside, he wanted to go inside (only to change his mind once I obliged). Later, he wanted to go for a walk but complained that he was tired, leaving me to carry him the rest of the way home. And when we were finally indoors for good, he threw a fit because he wanted to leave the door open.
For many parents, temper tantrums erupt over familiar reasons, like their kids refusing to put on clothes or being scared to take a bath. Other times, the reasons seemed ludicrous: A cracker broke in half, so of course your child proceeded to kick and scream.
Dealing with tantrums every day and learning about parenting is an ongoing process. We try a few techniques based on our kids’ temperaments and see what works and what doesn’t. I used many of those moments to better communicate with my kids and improve myself as a parent. Thankfully, over the years, the tantrums grew less frequent and intense.
Take a look at the key lessons I learned that helped tremendously:
Table of Contents
1. Don’t give in to irrational demands
After enough “opposite days,” I learned the impossibility of meeting irrational demands in the middle of a meltdown. Three-year-olds can’t make sense of anything logical when they’re in that state—imagine yourself in the middle of road rage and you know what I’m talking about.
Instead, hold your ground in a kind and compassionate way. If your child doesn’t want what you served for dinner, refuse to whip him up one of his favorite meals. If he makes unreasonable demands during bedtime, let him know he can walk himself to his room and go straight to bed.
The longer you relent and give him what he wants, the more he learns to flip-flop during tantrums. Instead, your word must be solid as a rock. No, it’s not easy or fun, but he does learn that he can’t keep changing his mind all the time.
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2. Don’t bite the bait
Do you find yourself mulling over everything your 3 year old fusses about? Do you engage in her antics or continue to give it more attention than it needs?
More than likely, you can avoid the whole situation by refusing to bite the bait.
In other words, it’s okay to shrug it off and move on. Ask yourself if you really need to respond to the situation, or if you can treat it as “no biggie.”
She wants to use the blue sippy cup, not the red one? Oh well, I guess she has to learn to deal with drinking from the blue one. She insists on going to the bathroom yet again before bedtime? Go ahead, but that means she has to walk herself to her room.
Convey a sense that “you’ve got this,” and that you’re not willing to slip into a fight that won’t go anywhere productive.
Because contrary to what it might feel like, not everything has to be a fight with her. And one of the best ways to avoid drawn-out tantrums every day is to shrug them off and avoid biting the bait.
3. Connect to calm down
Tempted as you might be to engage in your 3 year old’s antics—don’t. Instead, focus on helping her calm down by connecting with her.
She can’t process anything logically but she’s geared up for a fight. Calm her down by connecting with her using non-verbal communication. What does it mean to connect? The Family Centre writes:
“Connecting means acknowledging and empathizing with your child’s feelings in a nonjudgmental way (even if you don’t approve of their behaviour). Show your child that you are there for them in this difficult moment. Words aren’t enough – your child must sense that your interaction is warm and affectionate for a connection to happen. You can try empathetic facial expressions, gentle touches, and a friendly tone of voice.”
You might rock her side to side, change your facial expression to one of understanding, or soothe her with simple words.
She’s overwhelmed and agitated. What she needs is something as simple as a hug, a change in your posture—anything to communicate that you’re not here to fight. Calm her down out of her rage and back into a more reasonable state.
The best part? You’re modeling for her—without using words—how to regulate her emotions. She learns how to stay calm, all in a healthy way.
Discover the 9 coping skills for kids to help manage big emotions.
4. Explain how you feel
One technique when talking to others is to state things from your perspective, rather than criticizing what the other person does.
By explaining how you feel, you’re less likely to raise your child’s defenses than if you were to point out mistakes he made. You’re also showing him how to identify his own feelings. And you’re encouraging empathy by giving him a peek into how others feel, especially as a result of his behavior.
You could say, “I feel frustrated when I ask you to put your shoes on for our errand, but I’m ignored.” Or “I need to take a quick one-minute break right now because I feel mad.”
5. Find creative ways to prevent tantrums
We can prevent many of the tantrums we face by finding creative ways to avoid them. Let’s say your 3 year old throws a fit over getting dressed in the morning. As annoying as it is—especially over something that should be automatic by now—you can outmaneuver the tantrums in several ways.
For instance, let her sleep in the next day’s outfit so she’s already dressed when she wakes up. Play a game of “wear the warm clothes,” where you iron her clothes and she has to put them on while they’re still warm.
You could hang a checklist of the clothes she needs to put on so that, upon completion, she gets to decide what to play before you leave the house. And you should make sure she’s getting enough sleep, either by letting her sleep in or moving bedtime earlier, so she’s less likely to be grumpy.
Depending on her personality, find simple ways to prevent common tantrums from happening in the first place.
6. Praise positive behavior
Even if it seems your 3 year old throws tantrums every day, I promise that you can still find little pockets of good behavior. Don’t overlook these choices and gestures, no matter how small they seem. Instead, praise her for making good choices to encourage her to do more of them.
You might say, “Thank you for brushing your teeth! Now we can read books before bed.” Or “You were very gentle with the dog—that was great!” Or “Look at you, drinking from your cup like a big kid!”
Don’t worry—you won’t have to praise her for every little thing forever. But these moments—when it feels like nothing she does is ever right—are the best opportunities to find the times when she does.
Read these children’s books about positive behavior.
Conclusion
Dealing with 3 year old tantrums—every day, no less—is no easy task.
As parents, we’re constantly learning how to respond to our children’s behavior, including tantrums. I’ve learned so much with each one, along with the mistakes I’ve made in the past. There’s no guarantee against future tantrums, but now you have concrete ways to handle them when they happen.
Avoid giving into irrational demands or biting the bait. Both can draw you further into the tantrum instead of using it as an opportunity for your child to learn how to behave. Focus on calming him down, not telling him what to do or not do.
Later, once you’re both calm, explain how you feel, and how his choices affect others and the circumstances around him.
Another option? Long before the tantrums even happen, find creative ways to prevent them in the first place. This could include praising his positive behavior, however small it may be, to encourage him to do more of the same.
Even as my son yelled because he wanted the door open, I knew better than to accommodate his requests. Instead, I sat on the floor a few feet away, giving him a look that said, “I’m sorry you’re feeling upset.” Within a few minutes, his yelling dwindled to small whimpers and hiccups.
“Want to keep the door open?” I suggested. His face lit up and he ran to the door to open it.
Get more tips:
- What to Do When Your 3 Year Old’s Behavior Is Out of Control
- 5 Unusual Ways to Deal with a Defiant 3 Year Old
- How to Give Consequences for Kids
- When Your Child Ruins Everyone’s Day
- How to Handle a Threenager
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