Stranger Anxiety in Toddlers

Stranger anxiety in toddlers is not always a bad thing. Here’s what you need to know to help young children when they’re afraid of strangers.

“Let’s meet up for lunch,” I told a friend. My husband, toddler, and I were in her area and we wanted her to finally meet the little guy.

Except the minute he saw her, he cried. And I mean cried. He turned his body away from her and wrapped his arms around my neck. Even when he finally settled down, he never warmed up or showed his cheerful and friendly personality.

Suffice it to say, I felt horrible. Nothing about my friend would’ve warranted tantrums like that from anyone, yet here was my toddler freaking out. I felt like I had done something wrong to have him behave this way and equally embarrassed and awkward for my friend who bore the brunt of his reaction.

Many of us secretly delight when we see our kids charm others. When they come up with a funny retort, give grandparents a tight squeeze, or say “hi” to passing strangers.

So, when the opposite happens—when strangers can’t even come close to them without causing a panic—we worry.

For every parent discouraged by her child’s behavior, read on. I learned so much about stranger anxiety that not only gave me actionable tips moving forward, but calmed my nerves as well. Take a look:

1. Consider your toddler’s point of view

At our old apartment, my kids and I would often ride the elevator with well-meaning, fellow neighbors trying to make conversation. But I noticed that all those conversations were geared toward my kids, and only my kids. Worse, the adults would talk in that unnaturally sing-song way often reserved for little ones.

Now, consider your child’s points of view. Here’s this adult who hops on an elevator and only addresses him, not his parent. He feels singled out by this person he hardly knows and only sees once in a while.

And he might even be asked ridiculous questions no adult would ever ask another stranger, again in that sing-song voice, like “How old are you?” and “That’s a neat T-shirt!”

Again, these are well-meaning, friendly adults making neighborly talk. But from your child’s point of view, it feels awkward, confusing, and even alarming.

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2. Don’t apologize for your toddler

Many of us are mortified not because of how our kids behave, but how others might perceive their behavior. We’re quick to apologize or chalk it up to “Oh, he’s shy,” just because our kids don’t say “hi” to everyone.

But don’t apologize for your child or feel like he hurt someone’s feelings. He isn’t being rude, and he certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is absolutely not his fault, and you have nothing to apologize for on his behalf.

The worst part? He might grow up with an unnecessary “shyness” label that makes him even more reserved than if he didn’t have this label to begin with.

3. Prioritize your toddler

When our kids don’t take to others, we often focus more on the “others” instead of our kids. After all, we don’t want to step on toes or seem rude, and we hate to imagine what they might conclude about our kids.

Other times, we’re more focused on ourselves, like the hassles of now having to comfort our kids or wishing they had a more outgoing personality.

But the focus shouldn’t be on us and making our lives easier, and it’s certainly not about other people.

It’s about your child and equipping him with the tools to overcome new situations. And if other people take his behavior personally, that says more about them than you or your toddler.

He needs you to advocate for him and his personal space. To not force him to say “hi” to others or give hugs and kisses. He will learn to be friendly more by watching your social cues and the way you behave than by forcing him to say “hi” to someone.

Learn 3 reasons your child shouldn’t have to hug everyone.

4. Equip your toddler with helpful tools

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While you can’t force your toddler to take to strangers, you can certainly equip him with the tools to manage his feelings and develop his social skills. For instance,

• Give him a lovey or blanket. To help him feel calm in new environments, give him a lovey like this one or another familiar item he can take with him.
• Help him divert attention. A simple trick he can do when adults make conversation is to divert their attention to a toy. If an adult tries to make conversation and he feels overwhelmed, let him know he can hold up his stuffed animal. More often than not, the adult will focus on the stuffed animal rather than on him.
• Take him to a quiet place. If you see him feeling overwhelmed, make it a routine to take him to a quiet spot to calm him down. If you have people over at your house, remind him that he can always go to his room if the intensity gets too much.
• Say “Maybe later.” Instead of labeling him as “shy,” simply tell the adult “He doesn’t feel like it right now…” or “Maybe later.”
• Stay close. No, you are not spoiling him by staying close when he feels anxiety about unfamiliar people. He’ll be more likely to warm up to others on his own and transition well if you stay close by, especially in the beginning.
• Enroll him in half-day preschool, daycare, or classes. Regular exposure, especially to the same primary caregivers, can make a difference in his behavior. Expect an adjustment period (like crying at drop-offs), but being around his caretakers consistently can help.

5. Don’t assume that stranger anxiety is always bad

As hard as it is to comfort your child’s tears over what should be a friendly social interaction, rest assured that stranger anxiety isn’t bad. In fact, consider it a survival mechanism—after all, kids aren’t supposed to go to any new person.

Think of it this way: your toddler knows who’s safe and has a strong preference and healthy attachment to those he knows well. He should be wary of unfamiliar people and establish his boundaries.

6. Remember that every child is different

We’ve all heard this advice, and the same applies to how children experience social anxiety. Some take to strangers easily, while others prefer their own space and familiarity… and both are okay. Think about the variety of personalities in adults and you’ll see that kids are no different.

Some are cautious and will learn to trust others at their own pace. And even extroverted kids who normally take to anyone have their days, too—we just don’t always see it. Similarly, just because your toddler is anxious around strangers at times, that doesn’t mean he always is or will forever be.

Conclusion

It’s hard to see your toddler have a fear of strangers (or sometimes, even familiar faces). When social situations like eye contact or a greeting from a stranger send him scurrying behind your legs. And admittedly, many of us are biased toward outgoing, friendly kids to the detriment of the majority who take more time to warm up.

But learning more about stranger anxiety in toddlers can help you feel less distressed and more patient about his behavior.

For one thing, his anxiety isn’t necessarily bad and is actually a normal response. Every child is also different. Accept your child’s fear instead of trying to change him, or worse, feeling disappointed. Don’t apologize for his behavior—he’s not being rude, nor is it his fault.

Consider his point of view and you can see why he behaves the way he does. Equip him with tools to manage his emotions and these social situations. And finally, he is your priority—not other people’s feelings or opinions, and not even how inconvenient his behavior might be.

The more we understand stranger anxiety, the more we can see how normal, common, and even healthy it is. So, if your child cries the minute he sees your friend at lunch, rest assured it’s nothing to be embarrassed about.

Get more tips:

• 4 Things You Shouldn’t Say about Other People’s Children
• 5 Things to Remember When You’re Losing Your Temper with Your Toddler
• 9 Useful Techniques for Dealing with Anxiety in Children
• 6 Reasons to Stop Labeling Kids
• 6 Mistakes to Avoid When Socializing Your Child

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