What to Do When Your 3 Year Old Is Too Attached to You
Is your 3 year old attached to you too much? Learn several strategies to help your child become more independent and take to other people.
Sometimes, a strong attachment to mom isn’t always a blessing. Take the case when my 3 year old wanted me… and only me.
Despite my husband having been away at work the whole day, my son wouldn’t want anything to do with him. Dropping him off with a babysitter was a struggle since he’d cry and try to run after me as I said goodbye. And when I was busy with something, he’d get angry and upset, adding to my already-depleted patience.
As difficult as this behavior was, I later learned that it’s normal and doesn’t last forever. More importantly, I took certain steps to ease his clingy attachment and help him develop a strong bond with others.
If your child is overly attached to one parent (ahem: mom), take a look at these do’s and don’ts to turn things around:
Table of Contents
Do respect your child’s feelings
It’s easy to feel discouraged when your child is rejecting one parent. Still, the last thing you want to do is to make her feel guilty or that she’s hurting her dad in some way.
For one thing, your partner is better equipped to cope with difficult emotions than she is (he is the adult, after all). She’s also entitled to her feelings and shouldn’t be punished for experiencing them. And this added guilt doesn’t do anything to help them nurture a strong relationship with each other.
Instead, acknowledge how she feels (“It looks like you want mama to brush your teeth…”) but don’t guilt her into feeling bad for her dad (“Look how sad daddy got!”).
That said, while you should respect her feelings, that doesn’t mean you have to accommodate them. Just because she feels sad for wanting you to brush her teeth, that doesn’t mean that you’ll drop everything you’re doing when her dad is available to do so.
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Don’t accommodate your child’s demands
Does your 3 year old throw a fit because he wants you to do everything for him? As tempting as it is to give in and do what he wants to avoid yet another tantrum, this only reinforces his clingy behavior even further.
Agreeing to his demands also denies his dad from caring for and spending time with him. How can they develop a bond when you resort to taking care of him all the time?
Instead, refuse his unreasonable demands and simply say, “Time to read books with daddy!” Keep it matter-of-fact, then head straight into action.
Yes, he’ll likely throw a fit, but consider it a temporary hassle for long-term gains. Over time, his attitude can change, and you can even acknowledge any progress he has made (“Looks like you and daddy had fun at the park!”).
Do let your child spend time with others
Part of the reason your 3 year old continues to be attached is that she may not have many opportunities to spend time with others.
Sometimes, this is simply part of your life choices: your partner might work long hours while you’re the primary caregiver who’s home with her all day. But other times, she doesn’t get the opportunity to be with others because you’re there all the time.
It’s tempting to step in the minute she cries, but that could be contributing to the problem. Stepping back can be hard at first, but you don’t always have to “save the day.”
Instead, allow your partner or another family member to manage without you. One of the easiest things you can do is to simply leave. Get out of the house to grab coffee alone or take a 20-minute walk each night. This forces your child to adjust to others and develop a routine that works for them.
You can also involve your partner with household chores more regularly. It’ll help if he does the same tasks, like bathing every night or giving her breakfast every morning. That way, she knows that both parents are capable of taking care of her.
And finally, have your partner take her out for quality time. Not only would you be unable to step in even if you wanted to, but they’re also doing something fun together.
Don’t correct your partner in front of your child
Some of us can be “gatekeepers,” preventing our partners from being able to do anything for the kids because we step in right away. We correct them when we see them doing something “wrong” (aka not the way we would’ve done it). We re-do what they had just done or remind them how to do every little thing.
You can see how this can make your partner feel, but have you considered the message it sends to your child?
Seeing you correct her dad all the time makes it seem like he can’t do anything right. That you’re the one who knows how to do everything—and do it correctly. Would you want to go with someone who knows what she’s doing, or someone who seems to be making mistake after mistake?
Ask yourself if you even need to “correct” your partner at all. It’s okay if he didn’t offer your child her usual snacks or if he gave her the red blanket, not the green one. She probably didn’t mind, and if she did, then this was a great way for her dad to learn. But allow that opportunity to happen on its own, not by correcting him 24/7.
And if you do need him to change something, do so in private, out of your child’s earshot.
Do encourage your child’s independence
One of the best things to do when your 3 year old is attached to you is to increase her independence in the first place.
For instance, she might prefer that you—and not her dad—do everything for her, from putting on her shoes to grabbing her a snack. But what if you encouraged her to do these tasks on her own more often? Nurturing her independence means she has less need for coming to either of you to do it for her.
The next time she asks you for help, see if she can do it on her own. If she really can’t, do the minimal amount of work until she can do it herself. For instance, if she needs help opening a snack bag, don’t open it completely for her. Instead, tear it just enough for her to open the rest on her own.
Don’t talk poorly about her dad
Whether said in jest or not, comments and complaints about your partner can make matters worse. Sure, you’re entitled to your feelings, and if you have parenting disagreements, you may not be feeling so positive about him.
But hearing you speak badly about her dad or even admitting that he had hurt your feelings can affect your child’s views as well.
After all, if it seems like her dad hurt you, she won’t want the same to happen to her. The next time he takes her to the bathroom or plays a game, she’ll feel less inclined to do so when she had seen or heard you earlier talking poorly about him.
This doesn’t mean you’re dishonest with your feelings, but be mindful of the message you send. While you and I know that arguments come and go, she may not understand the complexities of relationships yet.
Should she see or hear you feel upset, do the next best thing and let her witness you and your partner apologize and make up. At least she’ll see that, while arguments happen, so too do resolutions.
Conclusion
Being extra clingy isn’t a good feeling for anyone. For the times when he’s too attached to you, now you have the steps to help him take to other adults as well. Because a strong attachment is certainly a blessing—in most cases.
Get more tips:
- What to Do When Your 3 Year Old Won’t Stay in Bed
- If Your 3 Year Old Tantrums Every Day, Try These Methods
- Examples of a 3 Year Old Sleep Schedule
- Educational Activities for 3 Year Olds
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