What to Do When Your Baby Only Wants Dad

Do you feel rejected when your baby only wants dad? In this article, we’ll talk about why this happens as well as what to tell yourself when you feel hurt.

Baby Only Wants Dad

It’s a pain and jealousy you feel, but for surprising reasons: your baby only wants dad. You love the fact that they have a great bond, but it still hurts to see your own child ignore you. 

It’s never easy dealing with a child rejecting one parent—especially when that parent is you—but rest assured that you’re not the only one going through this. 

In the meantime, what can you do when your little one cries with you but not with her dad? Take a look at the following tips to ease the hurt and turn things around. As these parents said about the article:

“I really appreciate you speaking to this. I think a lot of moms feel shame during this time. This made me feel less alone.” -Anna

“Thank you. I felt you wrote this article for me! Glad I’m not alone with my worries and anxiety.” -Alana

Be available, not needy

When a child is overly attached to one parent, it’s easy to focus on the child. But how might you be playing a role as well?

Think of a typical “needy” relationship between a couple. One person might be clingy or needs to be validated by the other that she weighs the relationship down. Few people find neediness an admirable trait in a relationship.

The same applies to you and your baby.

While we all appreciate being needed on certain levels, being too needy can set an awkward energy in the room. Don’t feel like who you are as a mom, and especially as a person, relies on how much your baby wants you.

Instead, be available. It’s that quiet, confident knowing that you’re here when he’s ready and wants to be with you. Don’t translate his behavior as a cause for hurt, fault, or resentment. Instead, shrug it off with a knowing confidence that you’ll always love each other no matter what.

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Don’t give in to unreasonable demands

Do you pass the baby onto dad to get her to stop crying? It’s tempting to hand her over in defeat, especially since she doesn’t want to be with you.

But having Dad stop what he’s doing to appease her tears can send the wrong message: That she should only be with him. Or, in other words, that she shouldn’t be with you.

Instead, keep trying to soothe her or change her diapers and let Dad stay in the background. She learns that you’re just as capable and willing to tend to her needs as he is.

More importantly, you and your baby can learn what works best for both of you. The more you pass her off to Dad, the fewer opportunities you have to build this bond. Instead, use these messy moments to learn what she likes and doesn’t like.

Be present

In many families, dad is the “fun one.”

He’s the one who roughhouses with the kids and tickles the baby. He changes his voice during story time and takes them on exciting outings. Meanwhile, Mom is the one who reminds them not to track mud in the house and changes the baby’s diapers.

While you don’t have to be an instant entertainer, try to make this one simple change: be present.

Instead of thinking of all the things you still have to do as you’re changing the baby’s diaper, smile and engage with him. Talk to him and listen to what he “says” while you’re together.

Then, set aside time to simply be with him without having a running list in your head of all the chores you still have to do. Entertain him in ways you’re most comfortable—you may not like tickling or being funny, but perhaps you can read books and bring him to the park.

You don’t have to be as funny or entertaining as dad, but you can be more present and attuned to your baby.

Don’t take it personally

You may have been tempted to personalize hurt feelings about your baby’s preference for her dad. It’s easy to assume that his behavior must be “proof” of his negative view of you.

But that only spells trouble, since in most cases, it’s not about you at all. The more you take it personally, the more burden and heartache you carry.

Don’t assume that you’re not a good mother or that you must not have what it takes to bond with your baby. Instead, find other possible reasons. One example is that Dad is wonderful with kids. For instance, my husband has this odd knack for being good with babies, even other people’s.

Another could be that Dad stays home with the baby and spends more time with him. And yet another reason is the opposite: he doesn’t get to see the baby often and is a welcome sight and exciting playmate.

Don’t make your first reaction a negative story about yourself. Often, it has little to do with you and more to do with other reasons.

Relax and enjoy the freedom

As moms, we feel the expectation and even pressure to be the primary caregiver for our kids. That we have the maternal instincts that instantly bond us to our children. It doesn’t feel reassuring that many kids prefer moms more so than dads.

But however painful it can feel to be “rejected” time and time again, find the positive in the situation. Perhaps the biggest one? You have more freedom.

Think of the exhausted mom who can’t peel her baby away from her even to use the bathroom. Instead of seeing your baby’s attachment to her dad in a negative way, think of it as a way for you to relax on the couch or run an errand.

Take an extended break, tend to household tasks, or enjoy your alone time. You can go from feeling hurt to grateful just with a simple shift in perspective.

Conclusion

Plenty of reasons can explain why dad is your baby’s favorite parent right now, but know that she loves and needs you in a way only a child can love a mother.

She knows you won’t leave, ever, and feels secure with your relationship. And even if you take on the day-to-day drudgery that might label you as “not as fun as dad,” you’re still loved no matter what.

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10 Comments

  1. This article was very helpful and reassuring. Thank you for taking the time to write it!

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’m so glad, Hanni! Thanks for letting me know <3

  2. I really appreciate you speaking to this. I think a lot of moms feel shame during this transition time in toddlerhood. This made me feel less alone.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’m so glad the article resonated with you Anna—thank you for letting me know. You’re definitely not alone!

  3. Thanks for this article! So helpful.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’m so glad to hear that! Thanks for letting me know.

  4. Thank you I felt you wrote this article for me! Glad I’m not alone with my worries and anxiety.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      You’re definitely not alone, Alana <3 Thanks so much for your kind words—I'm glad the article resonated with you.

  5. This happened to me. My son was a preemie and was in nicu for 2 months. I visited him every day 2x a day. After nicu, he was with me consistently while on my leave and my husband continued to work and was home late in the evenings. Fast fwd to my husband out of work so he was home a few months with our son. I guess they bonded during that period because as soon as my husband would get off from work–the baby would crawl so fast to make it to him when he came home. And he just always wanted to be with my husband. I felt like maybe I am not nurturing him enough and i never voiced this issue out loud, but eventually I let it go because I know he knew I was always somewhere nearby. We ended up needing a nanny, but he actually did cry for me instead of her. And then for my husband instead of me. So it only stung when someone else would notice he seem to LOVE his dad, but kids are smart. My son started “playing favorites” to get what he wanted and we noticed this. That was the turning point. I think this lasted until age 2. And now at 4, he is with me a good portion of the time and has a lot of my personality, but he does have more fun with his dad and I am fine with it because we have our special bond as well.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      That’s great perspective to have now that you’ve had a few years under your belt. It really does even out at some point, and I think kids can switch from wanting to spend time with one parent or another depending on the circumstances or even their age and stage.