How to Give Your Kids Attention (Even when They Want It at the Same Time)

Do your kids clamor and compete for your time and focus? Learn how to give your kids attention (even when they want it at the same time).

Every parent who has more than one child has to do The Juggle.

You could be having dinner and listening to three different stories all coming at you at the same time. Or you feel guilty for leaving your eldest alone in the living room so you can nurse the baby. One child might even need extra attention because of medical, academic, or temperamental reasons.

You can’t seem to spend quality time with anyone.

Regardless of the reasons, you don’t want your kids fighting or competing for your undivided attention. Or worse, build resentment toward one another.

How to give your kids attention

I never knew how easy I had it with only one child until I had three. With only my eldest to care for, my full attention was on him. But once his twin brothers came, my husband and I had to juggle the needs of all three kids.

It’s hard enough to manage parenthood with other parts of your life. How can you make sure no one feels left out and that you’re balancing your children’s needs fairly?

1. Discipline everyone equally

Do you have a child who seems to misbehave more than the others? When one child demands more attention because of negative behavior, two things can happen:

You focus all your attention on that child and assume your other kids don’t need you as much.
You get upset at your other kids over small things because you assume they should know better—that they’re the “good ones.”

Here’s the thing: you don’t have good or bad kids, even if one struggles with misbehavior issues more than the others. Instead, discipline everyone equally. Apply the same rules and responsibilities to all your kids so no one feels favored or neglected.

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2. Find activities everyone can do together

Feeling pulled in different directions? Start finding activities all the kids can do together. This way, you can spend time with them in a group setting, doing an activity everyone enjoys.

You might cook together in the kitchen (the baby can sit in the high chair) or unearth an old puzzle they can put together. Bring out toys to play with or a board game for the whole family. Perhaps you can tend to the yard or maintain your garden.

With a group activity, you’re able to spend an equal amount of time with all the kids while allowing them to participate in ways they know how.

3. Meet each child’s unique needs

Yes, we’ve been talking about balancing needs, and I’ve even mentioned the importance of disciplining equally or finding activities your kids can do together. But sometimes equality doesn’t mean giving each child the same attention.

We all have our own unique needs. Balancing your children’s needs fairly could mean giving different kinds of attention to each child.

One child might steal the spotlight with his spunky personality and showmanship. But giving his sister the same attention doesn’t mean asking her to dance the way her brother does—this can lead to anxiety and frustration. Instead, she might simple hugs, reading books, or playing a card game with you.

4. Keep your schedule manageable

Confession time: I’m not one to enroll my kids in extracurricular activities, and only do so when they ask. My eldest takes violin lessons, while the twins attend martial arts classes.

It’s not that I’m averse to activities, especially as they grow older. It’s that I try not to pack our routines too much. Finding time to get things done alone has grown harder than ever.

If you find yourself stretched too thin with everyone’s activities, reduce your schedule. See if you can implement a “one activity at a time” rule so each child only has one class to attend. If they’re taking piano lessons, then they may not need soccer and chess classes as well.

Review your work and home obligations as well and set clear expectations. Are you taking on too many responsibilities? Can other tasks and errands be pushed back to another day? The more time you can find for yourself and your mental health, the more positive interactions you can have with your kids.

5. Spend one-on-one time

Suggesting you find one-on-one time with each child can feel like a hard ask when you’re struggling to give any of them attention. But hear me out.

You see, you might have the habit of clumping the kids together for every outing and activity. This can make it harder for them to feel like they’re getting the attention they need from you.

Once in a while, break them up and spend one-on-one time with each child. The special time alone with either mom or dad can remind them how special they are, regardless of how many siblings they have. Even going to the grocery store or running an errand counts!

You can also sneak in one-on-one time with your kids during the day. You might spot one child reading on the couch, allowing you to cuddle with him. Bath time offers plenty of opportunities to play fun games or listen to each one without anyone else around.

These simple but meaningful moments fill your children’s buckets.

6. Don’t ignore your older kids

With their growing independence, it’s easy to assume your older child doesn’t need you as much. And to a point, she doesn’t, and shouldn’t. She can use the bathroom, fetch her food and entertain herself.

But don’t let her self-sufficiency trick you into thinking she doesn’t want or need your attention. Your younger kids likely need your help more, from changing their diapers to dicing their lunch. But your older child also needs your time, even in the simplest ways.

Think about ways you can spend time with her. You might ask for her help with the little ones, or talk about her day during dinner. She could have a later bedtime than her siblings so you can review her day’s homework or read a book together.

And if you can, tend to her first if both kids need you (yes, even if the baby is crying because his pacifier fell out). She’ll remember and appreciate you meeting her needs, and that her little sibling wasn’t always your priority.

Conclusion

Being present and understanding for your kids is possible, even when you’re pulled into different directions.

Discipline them equally to avoid favoring one over the other. Find activities all your kids can do together so you can be with them at the same time. Maintain a manageable schedule so you have enough time with each child. And spend one-on-one time, being mindful of meeting their own unique needs.

The Juggle might be in full force, but you can still balance your children’s needs and emotions fairly—even if all three are telling you stories at the same time.

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4 Comments

Latisha says:

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Some of my most challenging times is when I know I’m not giving my 7 year old my full attention, like when I’m writing an email, or cooking, or doing anything that requires focus. I tell him “Not now” and ask for a couple of minutes so I can complete the task. He’ll run off and do something else and either he or I will get distracted and forget.

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  Hi Latisha! I can definitely relate to being busy and seemingly always telling the kids “later” or “give me a few minutes.” One thing that has helped me is to designate a time in the day where there are no distractions and you can talk freely to one another. Dinner time is a great tradition to have, as this allows you to chat and eat without distractions. But even other pockets of the day can work, like if you’re driving and he can share what happened at school, or before bedtime when you’re snuggling in bed.
  
  Another tip that helps me as well is to do an absolute shut down when I know I’ll be busy with the kids. No checking email if I’m about to pick them up, for instance. That way, I won’t feel compelled to attend to things that pop up (because usually they can wait).
  
Charlotte says:

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I have three kids. My biggest struggle is jealousy over parental attention. How can we make it fair (or seem fair) and stop nasty behavior and tantrums!?

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  It’s definitely rough trying to give all your kids attention and not letting one person hog it all up (especially with a tantrum).
  
  One thing that can help is to play activities that all can do at the same time, so that at least you’re together. I would also make sure to give the other two attention, even if one is throwing a fit. That way, they also don’t build resentment toward their sibling. And lastly, I’d try to relate to what the crying child is upset about—I’ve learned that empathy can help curb tantrums far more than stern discipline.