Although common, toddler bedtime tantrums can be frustrating. Learn more about these meltdowns and the practical solutions to stop them.
For the past week, your toddler has complete meltdowns about bedtime. He’s fine with the idea of going to sleep, and will happily take a bath and read bedtime books. But as soon as you leave the room, the power struggle begins.
He’ll whine, scream, and throw just about every excuse to get you to prolong the bedtime routine. He’s even gotten out of bed and figured out how to open the door. What had once been a relaxing end to a long day has now become a nightmare to deal with.
As far as you can tell, you can’t pinpoint any major changes in his life to warrant this sudden response to being alone at night. And with a pattern that doesn’t seem to be improving by the day, you’re left wondering what to do to stop these toddler bedtime tantrums.
How to stop toddler bedtime tantrums
Bedtime wasn’t always easy for me, even when all my kids were at the toddler stage.
Sure, it helped to have a sleep schedule to keep their nights consistent. But from screaming fits to not staying in bed, my kids have had their share of toddler bedtime tantrums. This behavior was even more confusing when it came on so suddenly, just when I thought I was in the clear.
And the end of the day—when willpower and patience are at their lowest—doesn’t exactly make for a great time to deal with a tantrum.
Whether your child sulks, throws a fit, or tries to delay bedtime, she’s making it clear she’s upset and doesn’t want to go to bed. And when you clash, it’s easy to lose your temper instead of remaining calm and proactive.
What can you do to turn things around?
1. Adjust your toddler’s bedtime and nap times
Has your child gone to bed, only to stay away for an hour or more? He may not be sleepy enough come bedtime, and resists ending the day because he’d rather stay awake.
But he has always gone to sleep by 7pm, you might think.
As predictable as he had been up to this point, his sleep needs might change the older he gets. Just because he had always slept for 12 hours at night doesn’t mean he still needs to sleep that much right now.
If you think he’s fine on 11 hours of sleep but he’s in bed for 12, experiment with his naps and bedtime. For instance, put him down for a later bedtime, or wake him up earlier the next morning. Keep him awake at least for hours from the time he wakes up from his nap until bedtime.
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2. Tire your toddler out
Could your toddler not have enough physical activity during the daytime to warrant feeling tired by nighttime? Provide her with plenty of activity throughout the day so that she’s more likely to welcome a good night of sleep.
In fact, our pediatrician has said that kids shouldn’t remain sedentary for longer than an hour at a time, except for sleep. Even if she is reading or playing with building blocks in the same spot, she needs to physically move or take a break at least every hour.
Go for a walk around the block, play chase at home, or roll balls to one another. These activities energize her body enough so that, come bedtime, she’ll feel sleepy.
3. Establish bedtime routines
I’m a big fan of routines. They provide kids the predictability they need to know what to expect, and take the nagging out of your day. After all, when your child does the same things in the same order at the same time, he’s more likely to comply.
To create a consistent routine, start by setting times for eating and sleeping. Try to eat your meals and snacks and put him to bed at the same time every day. Then, within those activities, especially at bedtime, create a “ritual” that you’ll do in the same order.
For instance, you might start the bedtime routine by giving him a bath at 6:45pm every night. You’d then follow that with putting him into pajamas and reading two books. Next, he can say “good night” to his stuffed animals and sing songs with you. And finally, you can end the night with hugs and kisses.
And make the bedtime routine positive. Maybe it’s snuggling with a beloved toy or reading a new book. Perhaps he loves splashing in the tub or applying lotion to his tummy. Find an activity he enjoys that you can include in the bedtime routine.
Read more about establishing toddler routines.
4. Let your toddler know when bedtime is coming up
One of the biggest reasons toddler bedtime tantrums happen is because of the abrupt transition from one activity to the next.
Your child may be so focused on a project or having fun playing with toys and other family members. Springing bedtime on her out of the blue doesn’t allow for a smooth transition, and makes bedtime feel like a dreaded activity.
Instead, let her know a few minutes before you plan to start. You might say, “We’ll run your bath water in 10 minutes.” She can then continue playing until those 10 minutes have passed. You might even give further warnings, like when you reach the five-minute mark.
And finally, once it’s nearly time to bathe, you can then encourage her to wrap up her activity. Maybe that means she gets one last roll of the ball or to start gathering the building blocks together.
5. Stay consistent
Your toddler might be throwing tantrums because you haven’t been consistent with your word.
Let’s say your routine is supposed to start by 6:45pm, but he asks to keep playing instead. If you allow him to push the routine back all the time, he’s less likely to believe you when you claim you’re “serious” this time.
Yes, make room for flexibility, but reserve those for special occasions. For the most part, stay consistent with your word, from when to start—and end—your bedtime routine.
Get more tips on how to end toddler tantrums at bedtime.
6. Address your toddler’s fears
One of the biggest bedtime battles is convincing your toddler to stay in bed when the lights are out. She might try to climb out of her crib, walk around her room, or rush to the door when you leave.
Before assuming she’s causing trouble, consider any nighttime fears preventing her from staying in bed.
Maybe she’s transitioning from a crib to a toddler bed or moving from co-sleeping to a room of her own. Perhaps she’s scared of the new shadows she has noticed, or feels unsettled after watching an intense movie. She might be going through separation anxiety at bedtime and needs extra reassurance.
If she’s afraid of the dark, install a night light. If she’s scared of a movie, talk about what happened and describe her feelings and emotions. Comfort her and let her know that she’s always loved, even with new experiences she’s still sorting out.
7. Check in strategically
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Is your toddler able to get out of bed and even open the door to the room? You might have had to walk back to the room over and over, for two hours straight.
Prevent him from constantly getting out of the room.
Think of the room as a bigger “crib.” He had once been contained within the boundaries of the crib, and now he’ll stay safely within the walls of the room. Baby proof the room, and use a baby monitor to check in on him as well.
Then, check in every 15 minutes or so to reassure him that you’re still here and that it’s time to sleep. Don’t be surprised if you find him asleep on the floor, by the door, or anywhere else but the bed for the first few nights.
8. Check in during middle-of-the-night wake-ups
Now that she has fallen asleep come bedtime, what do you do when she wakes up in the middle of the night?
Giving in becomes more tempting, since you’ve been startled awake and are equally sleep-deprived. But don’t allow her to sleep in your bed, or agree to sleep in her room. This only starts a habit that will be difficult to undo down the line.
Instead, reassure her once again that it’s still time to sleep, and put her back in her room. Check in on her every 15 minutes if she’s still crying, until she finally falls asleep.
Get tips on how to handle your 2 year old waking up at night for hours.
Conclusion
Don’t worry—you’re not doomed to sleep deprivation forever, friend. Even though these toddler bedtime tantrums feel impossible, you can definitely turn them around.
Start by adjusting your toddler’s sleep times, like making sure she has enough time to be awake between nap and bed times. Tire her out throughout the day so she welcomes a good night of sleep. Establish a consistent bedtime routine so she knows what to expect.
Once bedtime is about to start, give her a heads up so the transition doesn’t feel so sudden. Stay consistent with your rules and expectations so she knows you mean your word. Address fears she might have, from fear of the dark to new changes in her life.
Keep her contained in the room, checking in on her every few minutes. And finally, stay just as consistent during middle of the night wake ups.
As sudden and exhausting as these tantrums might be, with the right steps, you’ll be back to getting a full night of sleep in no time.
Get more tips:
- What to Do When Your Toddler Is Hysterical at Bedtime
- What to Do when Your Child Plays Instead of Sleeps
- Getting Your Child to Stay in Bed All Night: 7 Crucial Tips You Need to Know
- 6 Tips on Helping Your Child Sleep in Their Own Bed
- Toddler Fighting Sleep? 5 Tips You Haven’t Tried
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Our girl is almost five, and she’s just NOW not waking us up 2-3 times a night. It’s been a long road! You gave great tips in this post, a lot of them have been useful to us over the years.
Thank you for putting them together!
Glad your little girl is now getting a full night’s sleep, Kelly! I heard that some sleep issues don’t get outgrown which helped fuel my determination to help my son sleep. Mama needs her sleep 😉
My problem with routines is that the kids learn the “cues” before bedtime & as soon as those “cues” begin, they flip out on me. My kids refuse to drink milk at anytime b/c they associate it to bedtime thanks to the routine.
Haha I have the opposite desire with milk. Anytime my kids bathe, they expect a sippy cup of milk right after because that’s what we do every night. But sometimes we have to bathe them during the day when they’re dirty. So of course they’re all going bonkers when they don’t get that cup of milk 😉
I am in desperate need of some help! My 4 year old makes bedtime a nightmare for both my husband and I. He knows the routine of bedtime and is fine with that, but will take 2 hours to go to bed. He also makes either my husband or I stay in his room until he goes to bed, but 2 hours later is miserable. He is so exhausted, he just won’t give in. He is also fine and knows that we leave when he goes to bed…he just doesn’t go to bed. Advise, please! Thank you so much.
Hi Ashton! I would encourage you to establish boundaries and follow through with them. You don’t need to be with him in his room for 2 hours, and this sounds like a combination of end-of-the-day fatigue and testing his boundaries. If so, establish rules that after the routine, you’ll leave the room because you believe he can go to sleep on his own. Be supportive and gentle (no drill army sergeants here!) but at the same time firm and resolute.
A second thought is that to consider whether he has any nighttime fears. See if he might be afraid of the dark, or of being away from you (especially if he’s going through a lot right now, like a new school).
But from the sounds of it, you need to consistently hold your ground. He’ll cry and fuss, but ironically he wants those boundaries to guide his behavior and let him know that this is how you do things. Good luck!
All of a sudden my 2 year old grandson won’t go in his crib and gives himself a panic attack when he is put in there. He will scream for well over an hour if you leave him in there and sometimes makes himself sick. This just started about 1 week ago. Before this he would lay down with his sippie of milk and go to sleep without any fuss no later than 10pm. What could of happened to cause this change in his behavior? He now won’t go in the crib and stays up until 1 am or later.
Hi Christine! There are so many reasons why this might be happening, from separation anxiety to new fears he might be having. It might help to put him to bed much earlier, like 8pm, and to reinforce that he’s safe in his room every few minutes that he’s crying in his crib.