Newborn moms can feel alone or wonder if they’re the only ones going through this. Here’s what I wish people told me about being a new mom.
I thought I was prepared. Realistic, even. I read every baby book I could get my hands on, but overnight, new motherhood hit me hard.
I must be the only one, I thought.
My family and extended relatives with kids all seemed so… normal. I couldn’t imagine how they could lead regular lives when mine felt turned upside down.
“How did you get through it?!” I asked them during a family gathering. I wanted to gauge how difficult they must’ve had it when their kids were newborns.
Even then, I still didn’t think they had it as bad as I did—otherwise they wouldn’t seem so unchanged by parenthood.
And that’s what’s tough when you’re a mommy in the thick of the newborn stage. Down the line, we chuckle and reminisce about the struggles of being a new mom, long after the fact. We safely laugh about it, knowing we’ve crossed over and don’t have to experience those struggles any longer.
Unfortunately, that can leave many new mamas feeling alone, even guilty. A friend of mine admitted she felt terrible for thinking negative thoughts about parenthood. She assumed she was alone in feeling this way, especially when everything you hear about babies seems happy and positive.
What I wish people told me about being a new mom
I don’t deny that parenthood is filled with joyous moments, one many of us look forward to and relish. But being a new mom, especially in those early months, isn’t always so peachy. It can feel more draining than positive.
But that’s okay, mama. To all the new mothers going through those difficult first few weeks and months, this is what I wish for you to know:
1. You’ll have more hard days than easy ones
Those baby photos your friends and family members post on social media can be misleading. You’ll usually see mom and dad smiling and holding their new bundle. We all smile for the camera, after all.
But that’s one second of their new lives with an infant. The camera doesn’t capture all the other moments of exhaustion, sadness, worry, or anxiety. We don’t take photos when the laundry piles up or we’re struggling with breastfeeding.
But they exist, those hard days, and at this stage, more often than the easy ones. At some point, you’ll tip the scales so that soon, and the easy days will outnumber the hard ones. We just need to be patient with ourselves and understand that this is all normal.
Free resources: Feeling stuck in motherhood? Want to enjoy raising your kids again? Sign up for the Motherhood Motivation 5-Day Challenge! You’ll get one actionable tip a day that can make you think (and act) about motherhood differently. You’ll also get my newsletters, which parents say they LOVE:
“Hi, I would like to start by saying how much I love receiving your emails. They resonate with me so much. Through them I realize I’m not a perfect parent, nor will I ever be, but I try to do the best I can. Thank you for all the useful information.” -Monika Franczuk
2. Your sleep deprivation is normal
Yes, even when you’re delirious.
You’re not an anomaly because you got a total of three hours of sleep broken up into 20-minute chunks last night. It’s also normal that you weren’t coherent, or that you yelled at your husband for who knows what when the baby jolted you awake.
You may have rocked your new baby to sleep for over an hour, only to lose your temper when he refused to fall asleep (then felt guilty right after for yelling).
Lack of sleep is no joke, but know that you won’t always be this exhausted.
Get tips on what to do when your newborn is fighting sleep.
3. Reach out to other moms in the same boat
I’m all about surrounding yourself with moms who can understand what you’re going through. These are also the moms who can offer amazing support and advice and let you know that yes, it does get better.
But what’s even better is to find first-time moms who are still going through the same thing.
As much as every mom understands the difficulties of the newborn stage, it’s not the same when they’re already “in the clear.” It’s like you still can’t relate to any mom who gets to sleep eight hours at night.
Instead, find emotional support from fellow moms in the thick of things right there with you. The one who understands when you talk about gas drops and rocking on a yoga ball because she’s in that same place, too.
Get more advice for new parents.
4. You don’t have to do everything you used to do
You know all those things you used to do meticulously, like flossing, showering, or even eating well?
It’s okay if you don’t get to do those things for a while. Do your best, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t vacuum or run errands for several weeks. Your tiny baby and mental health more important than fuzz on a carpet.
I wish I had permitted myself to “be lazy,” especially with household chores. That I didn’t have to wash dishes the minute I placed them in the sink, or that it was okay that I didn’t get the mail four days straight.
It’s a balance of maintaining your old lifestyle and completely neglecting it (that mail will eventually pile up). But you don’t have to hold yourself accountable to the same standards you used to have.
This new role is temporary. At some point, you’ll resume most if not all those habits again, but right now, it’s okay to let a few things go while you ride this new transition.
5. You don’t just “fall back asleep”
When I was pregnant, I made this silly comparison about waking up many times a night to pee as being the same as waking up with a baby. After all, I’d wake up five times a night to pee during those last few months of pregnancy—isn’t that the same thing as waking up with a baby?
Sadly, no. I realized this all too well after I took the baby home. Sure, you wake up five times with a baby, but unlike using the bathroom, you can’t just fall back asleep. Instead, you’re awake for who knows how long, trying to get your baby to fall asleep.
And that was when the reality of sleep deprivation hit me. It wasn’t about waking up many times—it was having to be awake until the baby falls back asleep first.
That puts a lot of pressure on both you and your baby when your sleep depends on how quickly you can get him to sleep back in the crib.
So, accept this as the new norm, at least for a little bit longer. Find your sleep in other parts of the day, like when the baby naps.
Learn how to cope with newborn sleep deprivation.
Conclusion
I don’t think anything can prepare you completely for being a new mom. Look at me—I did my research, I was optimistic, and I prepared. But I do think every little bit helps. I imagine how different it would’ve been for me without that preparation.
That includes hearing what I’d like you to know about being a new mom. That you’ll feel tired beyond belief, including the inability to focus on sleep. That you should reach out to fellow moms, especially those who are in the same boat as you.
And that it’s okay to not do the things you used to do because you’ll go back to them in due time.
Motherhood is hard, and you’ll likely have more hard days than easy ones. But give yourself grace and know that you’re not alone. Every mom you see smiling with her toddler has gone through what you’re going through right now.
We just don’t always have the pictures to show it.
Get more tips:
- Newborn Tips and Tricks for New Moms You’ll Be Glad You Read
- 12 Crucial Rules for Visiting a New Mom
- How to Establish a Baby Nighttime Routine
- Is Your Baby Nursing for an Hour and Still Hungry?
- 5 Ideas to Help Your Catnapping Baby Sleep Longer
Don’t forget: Join my newsletter and sign up for the Motherhood Motivation 5-Day Challenge below:
Sorry, this ended up being much longer than I anticipated…
It’s always interesting to read advice on what we should know being a new mom. Most of the time, the advice is along the same lines as what you’ve listed above. While all of those things are definitely worth mentioning and things that I also struggled with, the hardest thing for me has been the baby weight.
It seems like all of my friends (and even complete strangers I see at the store with newborns or babies) just drop the weight, lickety-split! So, for me, the guilt of not being able to melt those pounds away has been the most difficult. I feel that part of the reason is that I didn’t breastfeed — it just wasn’t for me — and then I feel that maybe I should have breastfed, not for the benefits to my baby, but so that I could lose the weight. And then I feel even MORE guilty for thinking so selfishly! I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life; it is something that weighs (pun intended) on my mind 24/7 and has contributed significantly to the depression that I didn’t realize I was experiencing until a few years ago.
Then, about four months post-partum, we found out we’re expecting again! So much for losing that baby-weight! I chuckle about it on the outside but it is almost enough to make me want to avoid going in public due to the embarrassment of how huge I feel I have become. I feel bad that my husband has to be seen with me. It amazes me that I even got pregnant again. I wouldn’t want to be with me… he must have had his eyes closed the whole time. (I joke but I’m not joking.) And it’s not like I’m eating cookies and junk food and drinking pop. I’ve always got water with me. I eat until I’m satisfied. I try to cook at home when I can stomach the smells. I try to walk a mile at lunch, weather and morning sickness permitting.
And yet, the advice out there is more geared toward, “How to Bounce Back to Your Pre-baby Weight!” and “Melt Those Baby Pounds Off!” I can hardly walk straight in my sleep-deprived stupor… how in the heck am I supposed to maintain my balance doing lunges and squats!? Or not fall asleep while I’m laying on the floor in between planks? Oh, did I mention I worked eight hours too?
**SIGH**
So yeah, that’s all I have to say about that. 🙂
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Lacey! It definitely doesn’t help when we’re sleep deprived and exhausted to make any lifestyle changes!
One thing you might want to check out that I’ve heard excellent results from is Fit2B. It’s geared towards moms, specifically moms who struggle with shedding the baby weight, and especially moms with core and stomach issues (diastasis recti). It’s set up so that it’s most convenient for you to work out, you can do it at home, at any time, etc. Sometimes I’ve found that all we need is guidance and accountability with others!
Thanks, Nina! I will definitely look into this!