It’s tough for parents to enforce rules when kids throw a tantrum. But find out the one big reason parents should stand their ground.
Imagine throwing a tantrum… and getting everything you demanded. You might think this is ideal for a child, but being too lenient can often lead to adverse consequences.
Giving in to children may lead them to believe that negative actions are the way to get anything. Kids learn that throwing a fit means mom and dad break down and oblige. So they’ll use this method more often than not to get what they want.
Kids are incapable of running a household. When decision-making falls on their shoulders, chaos ensues. Offering choices provides empowerment and holds kids accountable. But letting kids decide all things leads to a household with no order, respect or authority.
When kids grow into adults, they’ll learn that the rest of the world doesn’t bend the way their parents did. They’ll face classmates and teachers who will have little patience for their antics. And they won’t understand that jobs, partners and goals don’t come easily.
Why parents should stand their ground
These are all useful reasons to remember when your child is being difficult. But the biggest reason we shouldn’t be so permissive is…
It frightens them.
I picked up the book The Bright Kid Challenge by Andrew Fuller (affiliate link) and loved this quote:
“It is not a great thing to win every argument when you are three or four years old. Not only does that mean that your tantrums are more powerful than your parents, it also raises the frightening prospect that no one stronger can protect you. For parents, this means that you can’t afford to crumple every time your child raises his voice. Do not give in to his every last whim.”
You’ll pick your battles. Some issues are easier to resolve when you let it go (not to mention saving your sanity). But kids need to know that parents will stand their ground against their whims and tantrums.
When kids throw tantrums, their brains don’t process events logically. And the emotions that run through them can often feel like a monster taking over.
Tantrums in themselves are scary enough. Now imagine feeling like no one—not even your parents—can put a stop to them.
When you stand your ground, your kids also know they don’t bear the power to make big decisions. The prospect of having so much power can seem terrifying. They thrive under the leadership of responsible adults. Not to have free reign to make choices beyond their capabilities. Encourage them to explore and assert themselves, but within the boundaries you’ve established.
We see tantrums as kids wanting things their way, but what they really want is for us to help them. I realized that fussiness wasn’t yet another challenge in this parenting journey. It’s an experience reminding our kids that we’ll protect them, even from their fears.
Struggling with your child’s tantrums? Join my newsletter and get my quick guide to help you figure out what to do when tantrums strike. Download it below—at no cost to you:
Get more tips about discipline and your child’s behavior:
- The Bright Kid Challenge by Andrew Fuller
- The Surprisingly Simple Question You Should Always Ask Yourself before Disciplining Your Child
- How to Discipline a Toddler Who Doesn’t Listen
Yes, boundaries are a gift we give to our kids and they make our kids feel safe.
Interesting post. I’ve been thinking about how I’ll handle tantrums a lot recently, especially as my new toddler has just started expressing her frustrations this way. I agree that boundaries are importab to help them feel in control but I think it’s also important ths they feel their desires are important too. Still figuring out this one though.
I would definitely still abide by providing plenty of empathy, defining emotions, providing comfort and staying calm during or after tantrums. I also think we shouldn’t be overly strict authoritarians with no flexibility. What we need to avoid though is giving in to every whim, and basically letting them run the show.
It’s a tough balance! Sometimes when my kiddo is going nuts I want to go bonkers right along with him haha.
Whst a great post. I had heard this before and I knew that children need boundaries and rules to feel safe. But I like the way you laid it out and it was a great reminder.
Thanks also for the book recommendation.
Yeah, I was struck by the effects of standing your ground in light of a tantrum can be. I never considered them actually needing us to keep them from being frightened of their emotions, but it was totally a light bulb moment for me!
The book is decent; I can’t say I recommend it wholeheartedly, as I have my little quirks with it, namely that the author wrote it in a bit of a cheesy style, and I wasn’t convinced that “bright kid” was the way to describe difficult kids. Maybe every time I read bright, I wondered, So then what’s the opposite; the kids who don’t give too much trouble? Not bright? lol.
Urgh, you must be reading my mind. This is the perfect post for me and Greta this week. She has been wigging out over EVERYTHING. I know we are midway through the terrible threes, but, man alive, the girl goes off about the smallest things these days. I love the “pick your battles” notion though, we totally do that too. I mean, some things just aren’t worth the fight, but, then there are others that are worth every screaming, emotionally-charged battle they generate. Ah, ain’t parenting grand… 🙂
Yup, I just had a crazy stand-your-ground issue with my toddler yesterday. He was making all sorts of demands that made no sense, and you knew he was just testing and pushing your limits. I finally put my foot down, let him have his tantrum before containing him in a bear hug to calm him down. And he did, thankfully. But sheesh was I glad when he was finally down for the night.
I had never considered the fear aspect of a lack of boundaries, but it makes sense. My mother was a very wishy-washy parent that wavered in her decisions, which made me feel anxious as a child. Hopefully, I’ll keep this in mind the next time Lane throws a fit that makes me want to give in. In the long run, a little crying won’t hurt him – or me.
Yeah, the fear factor (ha!) was new to me too, but it clicked with me right away. Considering that kids often don’t even know what emotions are, I imagine they’re probably freaking out during a tantrum, wondering what in the world is going on. So in a weird way, it’s almost reassuring to them when we give them the boundaries they need.