5 Mistakes Parents Make When Giving Choices

You hear all the time that offering choices is the way to go. But what if it backfires? Avoid these 5 mistakes when giving choices.

My son woke up cranky, dragging himself through his morning routine. He complained about his oatmeal and lay limp as I got him dressed for the day. He balked when he had to stop assembling his puzzles so we could leave the house for an errand. And when it was time to put on a shirt, he refused.

One tactic that could work well is to say, “We’re putting on your shirt. Which one do you want to wear?”

And for good reason: When given a choice, kids gain a sense of ownership and autonomy. Putting on a shirt doesn’t seem like Mom’s Terrible Idea I Must Rebel Against. Instead, they get to decide that, for today, they’ll wear the blue shirt. We’re more likely to get their cooperation, and can even encourage problem-solving skills.

But is it possible that giving choices can backfire? And does its effectiveness fizzle after a certain point?

5 mistakes when giving choices

I’m a fan of choices when given effectively. Giving choices reduces conflict and can help avoid tantrums. You focus on the choices your child can make instead of the task he’s resisting.

Choices also empowers him. He can voice his opinions, making him more likely to embrace the choice he makes. He’s able to think for himself, instead of following everything other people tell him to do. He can be assertive and develop critical thinking skills.

And giving choices respects him. Yes, you make most of the decisions in the house, but through choices, you remind him that you care and respect his decisions.

But imagine a parent so taken with offering children choices. She saw the positive responses when she’d ask her child what he’d like for a snack. She also asked if he wanted to play on the slide or on the seesaw before leaving the park. Then it was what music he wanted to listen to during the car ride.

Except at one point, she tells him that they’re going to go to the grocery, to which he replied, “What are my choices?”

Many parents will say in exasperation, “I give my child choices, but it still doesn’t work!”

While I’m a fan of giving choices, I also recognize that plenty of mistakes can creep up when we don’t apply this tactic correctly. From being ineffective to making things worse, giving choices can backfire if you make these following mistakes:

1. Giving a choice when there isn’t one

As empowering as having a choice can be for your child, don’t make the mistake of giving her a choice when there isn’t one.

Going to school, holding your hand when you cross the street, brushing her teeth—these are all habits and commitments she can’t avoid.

She must hold your hand when crossing a busy street, and brushing her teeth consistently can help avoid cavities. And she doesn’t have a choice between attending school and skipping it for the day.

Not every issue warrants a choice—often, she does need to follow the rules and fulfill her responsibilities. If you play the choice card too often, she might learn to expect a choice even when there isn’t one.

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2. Giving too many choices

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When given too many choices, your child can suffer from choice overload.

Psychologist Barry Schwartz challenges one of our most-prized tenets—the freedom of choice. In his book, The Paradox of Choice, he argues that an excess of choices leaves us from making a decision, and feeling dissatisfied when we do.

Not exactly ideal for us, much less for our kids.

Your child might deliberate over too many choices, weighing one option against the others. Then, once he chooses one, he might second-guess his final decision. He’s more concerned about the choices he could’ve made instead of being happy with the one he did.

Instead, narrow the decision-making process down to two choices to avoid inundating him with so many. “It’s time for a snack. Do you want to eat a banana or an apple?”

And if two choices aren’t possible, narrow it down as much as you can. If he’s allowed to pick four books to read at bedtime, you might say, “Pick books from this pile” instead of letting him choose from the bookshelf.

3. Giving choices you don’t approve

Have you ever given your child a choice you’d never follow through?

Maybe it was asking her whether she wants to sleep now or an hour later, even though bedtime is in 10 minutes. Or you threatened her with, “You can go with me to the grocery or stay home by yourself,” knowing that the latter isn’t possible.

Sometimes it’s even offering an outrageous choice you assume she won’t choose, hoping she’ll opt for the other one. “You can clean up these toys, or you can throw them all in the trash” means she might choose not to clean them up to see what you’ll do.

Instead of unrealistic or farfetched choices, offer those that are parent-approved. You should be happy with either choice she makes, not hope that she’ll choose one over the other. She has to clean up the toys—but she can have a choice of doing them after lunch or after nap.

And remember to follow through and honor the choice she made. Nothing’s worse than giving a choice, only to change your mind or force your own decision.

Get more tips about giving children choices.

4. Giving choices too often

Be careful about offering choices when doing so isn’t even necessary. Just because you can offer the choice of taking the stairs or the elevator each time you leave the apartment, doesn’t mean you have to.

An increase of choices also increases expectations. Come bedtime, your child might now expect a slew of options, from which stuffed animal to hold to which cup to drink from. Instead of expecting to go to bed at a certain time straight away, he learns to expect choices along the way.

When you inundate him with choices too frequently, he might come to expect a say in every decision. It almost becomes a game, a ritual: Mom says what we have to do, I get a say in how it goes.

Instead, save choices for the times when they matter. You might offer a choice for challenging transitions, like when he has to stop using the tablet or go to bed. You can give him a choice when you sense that he feels disempowered, or about to throw a fit.

That way, his choices bear more weight, considering that they don’t happen all the time.

5. Assuming that choices will fix everything

We can’t guarantee that choices will always work. Your child might have an off-day, or she’s beyond seeing reason and instead needs to experience a meltdown. The novelty of having a choice may have worn off.

And sometimes, giving choices can introduce a new level of disagreement. She might not like the choices you give, or balks at doing either one. She might even insert her own choices, defeating the point of offering them in the first place.

Instead of giving up on choices, pivot and ask yourself what she needs in this moment. She might need a good cry, or time to herself. Perhaps she’s overwhelmed with having to choose too often. Or maybe you should ask her for suggestions—you might be able to find a compromise you’re both happy with.

And finally, mirror the emotions you’d like her to have when offering choices. Barking orders, nagging, or complaining can backfire in the end.

Conclusion

Choices offer both you and your child plenty of benefits, especially when you avoid many of the common mistakes.

For starters, don’t give him a choice when there isn’t one. When you do, offer only two choices so he isn’t overwhelmed with too many. Make sure they’re both parent-approved so that you’re happy with either one.

Avoid giving choices too frequently. He might expect a choice over mundane tasks you don’t even argue about, or over issues where he shouldn’t have an opinion about. And finally, don’t expect that giving choices will solve everything, or give up on it just because it didn’t work a few times.

You won’t be asking him which new car you should buy. But you can still get his opinions on whether he wants to walk or ride his bike to the park, or the snack—banana or apple—he’d like to eat.

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