It may be all fun and jokes, but dad bashing can have consequences, impacting how you run your home and your child’s relationship with his dad.
Moms, we like to vent.
Except we tend to vent about our spouses.
We rant on online forums about dads glued to the computer with baby propped on his lap, or we harp on dads for messing up the nap schedule yet again. Even parenting books with “Just for Dads” sections assume moms do all the reading and dads aren’t involved.
And we may have good reason to vent. Maybe your partner does need to pitch in more with child care and household duties. You could be the only one researching, scheduling, cooking and feeding. Your comments may even be said with good intentions or humor.
Why dad bashing needs to stop
But dad bashing does little to resolve the issues we’re venting or laughing about to begin with:
1. Dad bashing undermines dads
The more we laugh or vent about the dads, the less opportunity we’re giving them to step up to the plate. Denying dads their duties undermines their abilities and forces us to take on the duties we’d rather they do.
We already assume they can’t handle tasks or that we’re the only ones who can do them correctly. For instance, refilling the fridge and labeling every container before heading out to dinner with a friend sends the message he can’t feed the kids on his own.
Our venting and eye rolling also discourage dads from pitching in. Let’s say you want him to be the one to change the baby’s diapers. Showing him exactly how you do it and not allowing him to come up with his own way to change the diapers makes him want to avoid it in the future.
The same is true with re-doing what he had just done according to your standards. You may load the dishwasher a certain way, and for good reason. Perhaps your arrangement packs in the most dishes efficiently.
But don’t re-arrange the dishes just because your partner didn’t load it the way you did. He’ll notice and will get a clear message of what you think of his job.
Every one of us can’t be efficient if not given the opportunity—and the space to make mistakes—to try.
2. You’re not working as a team
Dad bashing also prevents parents from working as a team. Parenting becomes a divide between the two key people who ought to work as a unit. Couples might even “keep tabs” of who did what and bristle when one feels like she’s doing more than the other.
And imagine the message we’re sending our kids about their dads. Whether said with humor or not, finding fault in fathers in front of children makes dad look bad. We don’t want our kids to assume their dads can’t handle a baby without mom around, or that he’s simply the babysitter.
Kids should see dad as equally competent as mom and carry equal weight and authority. Complaining about how dad never goes to doctor’s appointments or isn’t interested in school projects doesn’t help anyone—you, your partner or your kids.
And for each complaint and task that we make fun of them for, the same could be said about us moms. I don’t install the car seats. Or take our recycling to the center every week. Or even make the bed. So it’s fine if my husband doesn’t puree baby food.
What to do instead
Occasional venting is okay. Sometimes I read online vents and chuckle in agreement. But if the issues dig deeper, so deep you find yourself fuming, then three things need to happen:
1. Stop with the jokes
Whether online, to your friends or in front of your kids, watch what you say about your partner. Never insult him in front of your kids—imagine if he did that with you.
If you’re venting, make it a proactive conversation with a friend, such as asking for ideas on how to get him more involved. Make online forums a place to look for suggestions, not another way to laugh about him behind his back.
We all get frustrated and need to vent, but don’t make it a habit, especially one that doesn’t even get you further in solving the problem.
2. Communicate
No heaving heavy sighs hoping he’ll get the hint. He won’t (he’ll just know you’re mad about something). Instead, discuss your concerns, with no defenses or accusations.
Keep your conversation focused on how you feel and what exactly you want him to do. Admit your mistakes, such as micromanaging or not communicating early enough. Then be open to suggestions he may have as well, such as not jumping to the gun each time a task comes up.
(How often have you assumed you’d be the one to do a task without really asking him whether he’d be interested or available?)
The best time to have this conversation? When you’re both in a good mood. You’re more likely to talk and see each other’s perspectives when you’re calm.
3. Don’t disrespect
That’s your partner, and your children’s father. You can vent, but avoid saying things so terrible about him that you couldn’t say them to his face.
Don’t assume he can’t do the simplest things (hint: he can, he may just need time and the chance to do them). And communicate with the respect you would want to receive.
It’s a sad commentary when a dad receives a standing ovation because he put his daughter’s hair in a bun. I’m not surprised the folks marveled at him.
Conclusion
It’s no wonder moms vent about dads. But doing so undermines dads and doesn’t allow us to work as a team. Dad bashing also shows kids the inequality and ineptitude of one parent over another.
Instead, replace dad bashing with actively seeking for solutions, rather than a simple vent session. Hold honest conversations with your partner about both your needs, and above all, don’t disrespect him, no matter how frustrating.
And I get it: Hands-on fathers have become a novelty.
When only 32% of fathers from dual-income households are performing the same as moms*, we have work to do. We need to bump that number higher, where all dads are just as involved with kids as moms.
We can start by stopping the dad bashing.
Get more tips:
- 8 Effective Ways to Involve Dads in the Household
- Why Dads Should Wake Up for Night Feeds
- 6 Surprising Ways to Balance Work and Family
- Dads Are Co-Parents, Not Babysitters
- 6 Ways Dads Can Support Breastfeeding Moms
What are your thoughts on venting or joking about our partners? Is it ever okay, or does even a tiny bit promote the stereotypical hands-off dad? Let us know in the comments!
*Source: Wall Street Journal
Dad in the crossfire – film at 11.
I love that you wrote this. It’s definitely open season on dad. I don’t know what is worse – getting reamed for getting attention for doing something ordinary, or getting attention for doing something ordinary. Society has set a pretty low bar for dads – just look how we’re portrayed in movies and shows. (A smart, engaged dad would just alienate the masses).
I have so many words. I will save them for my own blog, but I wanted to acknowledge a job well done here. I will share the hell out of it.
Eli, glad you’re taking the conversation to your blog. I look forward to reading your take on this topic!
One thing I learned long ago (whether it is for household things or parenting things) is that my husband may do them differently than I do, but that doesn’t mean my way is better. If you are a control freak person, it can be REALLY hard to accept the dishwasher loaded weirdly, but at the end of the day WHO CARES? If you are really respecting each other and dividing up chores as partners, you’ve got to let go. I know I would be totally irritated to be criticized and micromanaged doing my tasks. It would be intimating that I don’t know what I’m doing. If I really do need advice, I’ll ask for it. If I don’t , I won’t. My partner deserves the same consideration!
But above all, we’ve GOT to stop considering a father being hands-on sort of unicorn level novelty. It’s not. (or at least it shouldn’t be in this day and age). It’s insulting to dads and it sends an awful message to our children about the role of their father in their lives. –Lisa
Ps. But I don’t have a problem with women venting to each other. In fact, I’d die if I couldn’t vent to Ashley about irritating things that happen in my life. If I can get it out and talk through it with her, it’s totally cathartic and I am able to go to the carpool line feeling free and breezy instead of bitter and hostile! 😀
You had me laughing at unicorns 😀
Funny you mention the dishwasher because for the life of me, my husband just won’t load the dishwasher the way I would. Doesn’t he know that measuring cups are better on the top rack—NOT with the rest of the utensils? But like you said, the dishes are done, top rack or not.
Comments that seem harmless sometimes do feed the myth that dads are somehow incapable or inept. I will be the first to tell you that there are many parenting/caregiving tasks at which my husband is way better than I am! That shouldn’t be surprising, and it shouldn’t surprise my girlfriends when my husband takes care of our son without any instructions from me. Like you say, he’s an equal parent, not a babysitter.
It’s awesome when we feel like we don’t have to give dads any instructions. Every time I get that urge, the “Remember they get 4 oz.” kind of talk, it’s like, Step back, Nina. He knows this. The only time I would instruct is if I need to give him info, like, “They slept at 10 today, so you can get them up by 11:30.”
Hey Nina and thank you for a wonderful post 🙂
Thankfully I have never been put in the type of situations you write about…BUT…I have been witness to some of those dad-bashing moments and they are very uncomfortable to sit through…whether joking or not. The children can’t help but pick up on these behaviors and down the road, it won’t be healthy for them I’m sure!
Thanks again Nina and take care. my best to all.
Lyle
That’s the hard part—when kids pick up on the words. It further cements an unfair stereotype in their minds.
You’re right, it has no place. My husband is an awesome dad. And heck yes, I tell him. He makes the kids’ lunches every single day. He spends time with them every night. He has always been hands-on. And around me, I see a lot of really great dads who do the same. I like to think that our generation is very different from past generations. And I think they are raising some really great kids.
Karen, according to that article I cited, the numbers have gone up—32% of fathers compared to 26%. So you’re probably right in that we are more open to hands-on fatherhood now than before.
THANK YOU for saying this. It drives me nuts, those commercials where men are always made to look like idiots. It’s lame and needs to stop. Again, thanks for stating all this.
Right? Or those onesies with instructions. I totally don’t get it. I think it’s cute sometimes to laugh about (I’m thinking of a lot of standup comedians right now who probably use that rift for jokes) but I think sometimes we take it too far, or you can sense there’s a deeper frustration behind the vent and the jokes.
Mike is a pretty awesome dad, so I don’t have much justification in bashing him. I will say that the best thing I ever did in terms to getting him bonded with this kids was leaving him with our three oldest (before #4 was born) for a few days so I could go help with a family crisis. He gained all sorts of new skills that weekend, and he and the kids had a blast! I am guilty of complaining about him sometimes, but when I do (not saying it’s awesome that I do, but it happens) I stick to my sisters who 1) are very supportive of our marriage remaining intact and 2) often see things from his point of view, and will help me understand why he did what he did.
Even though I hate not having the mornings with my kids, I think it has been awesome that, like your family, my husband gets to spend time alone with the kids. With my eldest, he had a serious case of mama-itis where all he wanted was me, and I noticed it coincided when he stopped having mornings alone with my husband.
I don’t think it’s ever ok. I would NEVER want my kids to hear me even jest about my husband. Yes I get frustrated about him. He gets frustrated about me! I’m terribly undomestic and if he based me or teased me about my horrible cooking/cleaning, I’d honestly want to cry!
Not to say that parenting is his weakness, where those things are mine. We are both strong and weak in many areas but we work hard to do the best we can.
Tamara I hadn’t thought of how *I* would have felt if my husband made fun of me—whether in front of my kids or not—and yes I would totally cry too! That’s a good way to look at it: Would it be okay if it were *you* on the receiving end of it? Good point!
No, we can’t disrespect them. And thankfully there are a lot more hands-on fathers around now. =)
Thankful, indeed 🙂
I’ll admit I’m guilty of a little of this from time to time… BUT never in a public online forum, I just wouldn’t. If I’m having a moan it’s too my girlfriends or my sister and I know it will stay between us. Equally I am sure he lets off steam about my OCD approach to cleaning and my inability to cook certain things ‘properly’ (meaning the way he likes them… We like certain things cooked different ways is all) but only with trusted friends… At the end of the day we’re all trying our best and we all have our faults! And I would never make fun of him in front of Mushroom. That’s his primary role model, why would I do that? Even when we argue, which of course we do, we make sure Mushroom sees that we’ve made up and that we still love each other.
Rachael I’ve heard that arguing in front of kids (at least *mild* arguing) is okay so long as they also witness their parents making up as well. It’s supposed to show them how to resolve arguments.
I laugh equally at the incompetence of both moms and dads ;). It’s all in fun. But it does go too far many times, especially if you come across the “wrong” website. Definitely we need to start encouraging one another, not policing one another. We also have to work as a team instead of against one another/competing with each other. Whenever I think that my husband isn’t doing xyz but I am, I think “well it’s because he does abc”. If I’m feeling under-appreciated or overwhelmed, I should speak up instead of pointing fingers.
Lisa, I have a hard time with speaking up too and need to actually remind myself to do so. I don’t know why that is. I guess my first inclination is to think that he knows how I feel when he probably doesn’t. And yes, it helps to remember how much our partners do, especially tasks that we don’t do.
I don’t have much to complain about. My husband can do everything just as well as I can for the most part and he can do a lot of things better. Ok so maybe he doesn’t check over what the kids pack (so the boys have no underwear for the weekend) or know how to put hair in a ponytail, but in the end, do either of those things matter?
Plus, we moms would make those mistakes as well, I’m sure. It’s hardly a dad-only oversight for many families.
Nina – It’s really great to see a mom come out and say that all the dad-bashing needs to stop. As someone who has written on this topic recently, it is something that is near and dear to me. Are there dads out there who don’t take an active role in their kids lives? Absolutely. Do they give the rest of us who bust our butts a bad name? An even more emphatic ABSOLUTELY. Until more people realize that parenting is a partnership, that one parent doesn’t know it all, and that dads no what they’re doing, sadly the dad-bashing won’t stop. But getting the message out is a start, so thank you for writing this!!
Thank you for reading, Nick! I appreciate it.
Thanks for sharing this. I hate the way dads are portrayed sometimes, especially in the media.
You’re welcome, Sheryl. I agree!
I thought this was BRILLIANT! Who is standing up for our dads these days when they are castrated in the media and the mom is always, ALWAYS the alpha parent? I wonder what kind of boys we are raising? Thank you for your thoughtful look at this quiet epidemic. It really got my juices flowing and I’m sharing this to get the conversation going in my circle. THANK YOU FOR THIS.
Yay, glad you got those thoughts flowing for sure, Dawn! It’s definitely not fair when we put dads down. More importantly, it starts a cycle: the more we put them down, the less they’ll be involved, which makes us put them down even more.
Great article. As a soon to be first time dad, it’s nice to know there’s people out there sticking up for us!
Right on, Kyle! Congrats on your first born. It’ll be a great adventure, and yes, we need to co-parent alongside dads, not beat em down 🙂
A-freaking-men. I’m giving you a standing ovation at my desk. (It’s a stand-up desk, but you still deserve the standing O.) I am new dad and I am VERY much a part of my daughter’s life. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I couldn’t have it any other way. For my daughter, I have taken a hard look at how women are treated in society and have even gone so far as to change the way I speak: all the third-party pronouns that come out of this mouth are feminine. (When the gender isn’t known.) Just like her mom, I want to make sure that she is given every opportunity in life. I never want to hear her say that she can’t do something because she’s a girl. And for the most part, the friends and family that have had babies near me all have the same outlook to parenting.
Gone are the days when women were expected to stay home with the kids while dad’s out making the money, and good riddance to them. My partner is not my servant, she’s my equal. The parenting paradigm shift that has happened over the last couple decades caused a re-balancing of “fairness” and “power,” and rightly so; however, I think the pendulum has swung too far – in some areas – and men are taking the heat because of it. Someone else commented on how men are portrayed in media and I think that is the perfect example of what I’m talking about. My mom was actually the one who pointed this out to me. If you watch a family show these days you’re almost always going to see a dad who acts like more of a child than the kids, but the mother – who is on the continuum between normal and certified genius – puts up with his crap. She tolerates him. That’s a great message to send kids. Yeah, you know that guy who would give his life to keep you safe? He’s an idiot who can’t be trusted with the most menial of tasks and is guaranteed to screw up. Because – and I’ll bet you’ll never believe this – we DO screw up! Everyone does! But now, when I screw up, I get that infuriating look from all the women around that says, “Well, we were only humoring you anyway. We knew you couldn’t really do it right.”
We all know the shows we’re watching are for entertainment and the people are portraying a caricature of a role, but that stuff will eventually sink in and our subconscious will run away with it.
Don’t believe me?
There was a commercial a while back about a woman who was making fun of her husband and they cut to him and he’s literally stuck in the shades. When they cut back to her she’s smiling and shaking her head… with that look. That look. It’s everywhere now. I’ve seen a guy who has a degree in law get that look.
Sorry, I’m rambling now, but hopefully you all understand my meaning. Thanks for writing this article! I love your blog! It’s helped me change who I am to make this world a little easier for my little one and for my love, my teammate, my everything: my wife.
I LOVE your comment and no it’s not rambling, it’s exactly the kind of conversation I have with folks about this issue. The more we enable the idea of dads as the ‘fun guy’ or the guy who messes up and can’t figure anything out, then the more this stigma sticks around.
Or how about the dad who doesn’t even know where the pediatrician’s office is, or the mom who assumes she’s the one who has to keep track of all the school assignments?
It goes back to both sides: men need to step up (and are increasingly doing so these days), and women need to let them. This means no making fun, no re-doing the ‘mistakes’ they did, no taking over when dad is struggling (how else do we learn but through struggle?).
Thanks so much for chiming in, and for reading the blog! Way to go dad! Your daughter will appreciate it.
You tell it. When our first was born in 1988 I worked midnite to seven. My wife worded 8 to 5. She went back to work at the six week mark. We literally would give each other a kiss on her way out the door.
She was better at some aspects of parenting,I was better at others.
Wounds,hurts and injuries I was always the “Deadly Dr. Dad”
This worked until our second was born 363 days later.
If I had been the unfaithful type I could have taken advantage of all the girls I met who were just positively impressed that I was handling two babies. I was shocked at the number of women who were literally throwing themselves at me merely because I displayed parenting skills. I lost a lot of respect for women in general during that period.