5 Things You Shouldn’t Say When Your Child Loses

How we respond when our kids fail is important. Learn what to avoid when your child loses a game or competition (and what to say instead).

Child LosesImagine this:

Your child is excited to enter a ballet competition this weekend. She has her props prepared and her outfit hanging on the door, and her confidence is through the roof. She knows she’ll get the lead spot. She’s been practicing for weeks (although, admittedly, not as much as she could).

The big day arrives, and she performs. But despite her weeks of practice, she didn’t score the lead spot. In fact, she failed to win any of the main roles at all.

She’s devastated, to say the least. She turns to you for comfort, and wants to know what happened.

What do you say?

5 things you shouldn’t say when your child loses

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No doubt about it: it’s hard when your child loses a competition or game. You do your best to console her, lift her spirits, and encourage her to keep trying.

But according to the book Mindset by psychologist Carol Dweck, sometimes we end up doing more harm than good. We offer words meant to reassure but actually send the wrong message about grit, resilience, and perseverance.

So, back to the question: What do you say to your child, or perhaps more importantly, not say, after a loss crushed her expectations? Let’s start with phrases we shouldn’t say. Dweck argues that these well-meaning phrases do little to teach kids about failure and its aftermath:

Characteristics of a Resilient Child

1. “You did your best”

I was shocked when I read this wasn’t always an appropriate response. Isn’t doing your best a sign that you at least tried all that you could? That you couldn’t perform any higher than what you did?

Sometimes. But other times, your child lost because she didn’t do her best.

She might have expected to win even though she didn’t put in the work. She may not have practiced as often as she could have, nor practice deliberately. She went through the motions. Wanting something “so bad” but with halfhearted practice doesn’t mean doing her best.

Before doling out this advice, ask yourself if she really did her best. Telling her that she did (when she didn’t) shuts the door for future improvement. She has fewer opportunities to actually win when she thinks this is the best she can do.

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2. “You’re still Number One to me”

Our kids will always be number one to us, yes, but… this isn’t about you.

Telling your child that she’s still first place in your heart places too much emphasis on you—that her joy relies on you. And that so long as she’s always got the number one spot in your heart, that all is okay.

And it’s not always okay. She could’ve really, really wanted that first-place ribbon, regardless of whether she’s number one to you.

Get tips on how to help your sad child cope with her feelings.

how to help your sad child

3. “That was too hard anyway”

Whether a competition, a test, or puzzle, saying it’s too hard is an act of blame. And blaming only relieves ourselves of the responsibility to improve, learn, and change.

Sure, sometimes an activity is too hard for a child’s age or experience. I can’t imagine a young toddler trying to solve a 50-piece puzzle yet, or a beginner to master a black belt on the first try.

But most of these activities are feasible. And what message does that send when other kids can do it but your child can’t? You’re saying it’s too hard for her. That other people can win, but not her.

I used to do this with my eldest before my husband called me out on it. “Let’s do another worksheet. This one’s too hard for you,” when I’d see him struggling with math problems.

“It’s not too hard for him—he’s just too young for that assignment,” my husband said. “Later, when you have more practice, maybe next year, it’ll be more appropriate to do that sheet.”

And I realized, yes, I had been sending the wrong message. In due time, he can do this, especially with practice. But saying it’s too hard for him limited his view of what he was capable of doing.

4. “It didn’t really matter”

We tell our kids “It doesn’t really matter,” or “Winning wasn’t a big deal” as a way to brush it aside.

But here’s the thing: It was a big deal. Especially to your child, who was so excited to win the competition. She hung her outfit for a whole week in front of her closet door because she was so excited.

Telling her that what she strove for doesn’t matter devalues it the minute she doesn’t win. It implies that her interests are only important if she wins. Because let’s face it, you wouldn’t say “It’s no big deal” had she won.

5. “I’m sure you’ll win next time”

At first glance this statement seems harmless. Positive, even, as we point to the future and the potential to win.

But these are heavy words to say considering that you don’t know if she’ll win next time. You can’t guarantee she’ll win. Wishful thinking and reassurances do little to get her to the point of achieving her goals. Winning the competition isn’t something she can control or guarantee.

What to say instead

So… if none of these phrases address your child’s failures correctly, what will help him lose gracefully? Two things:

Winning and Losing Social Skills

1. “I can see why you feel that way”

Sometimes we dismiss our kids’ emotions too quickly. We want them to get over it fast so we get our cheerful kids right back.

But we need to acknowledge their feelings and give them the opportunity to sort through disappointment and hurt. “Looks like you’re pretty shocked for not winning the game,” you might say. “Sometimes we can feel disappointed when we don’t get what we wanted so much.”

Let your child sit with the emotions he’s entitled to feel. He’ll know that, however painful it is, it’s normal. Most importantly, he’ll learn how to cope with the discomfort of losing and pick himself back up.

2. “Let’s see where you can improve”

Be honest with yourself: your child probably didn’t deserve to win, not by a long shot. And not when other kids had years of experience over her, and were practicing much harder than she was.

She did deserve to lose.

That’s a harsh reality, but an important lesson. And when she realizes that she’s not entitled to anything, she’s more likely to try harder.

The thing is, it’s not just about practicing longer, but helping her see where she can actually improve. Trying the same thing again and again isn’t going to get her any further. Practicing haphazardly once a week or not listening to feedback won’t change the circumstances.

But let’s say you observe her flaws and point them out. You show her different techniques on how to master them, and provide her with enough time to do that. Her chances of achieving her goal will be greater then.

Conclusion

Failure is uncomfortable and inevitable, but a necessary part of our lives.

Help your child see that mistakes are okay, and failure as a cue to try harder (not as a sign that he doesn’t have the ability to succeed).

Don’t buffer failure by offering untrue words that don’t help. He didn’t do his best, the task wasn’t too hard, and it did matter to him. Winning next time isn’t guaranteed, nor should he feel reassured that she’s “still number one” to you.

Instead, what he needs first is empathy, and for his feelings to be acknowledged. And second, the truth about what it takes to win, how to improve, and the opportunity to do so.

Then maybe the goal isn’t about just winning, but in being better today than he was yesterday.

p.s. Check out The Magical Yet by Angela DiTerlizzi, all about the power of grit and perseverance:

The Magical Yet by Angela DiTerlizzi

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2 Comments

  1. Just came back from a horse-riding competition with our daughter and a rugby-game with our son. Our daughter did not do well and our son’s team lost (he is the captain). Feeling pretty miserable (mom & children) I was about to say everything to them I should not – I would have made all 5 mistakes with the best intentions in the world.
    Thank you for this article, I’ll go for empathy and reality rather to make us all feel better with empty words and promises.

    1. Nina Garcia says:

      I’m glad the article came in handy. That’s the tricky thing—these all come from a place of good intention, but they can often be the last thing people need to hear. Empathy—and a listening ear—is sometimes all they need.