How to Cope with Feeling Depressed After Moving

Moving to a new place can be a challenge. From missing your old home to settling in, here’s how to cope with feeling depressed after moving.

depressed after moving

Even though my family and I only moved a few miles to our new house, the change still took a toll. The hassles of home ownership—all happening within the first few months—were a challenge, both emotionally and financially.

But perhaps the hardest part was the tendency to lose my temper with my kids. Despite meaningful attempts to start each morning with a promise to parent with calm and patience, my days didn’t always end well.

Moving brings huge changes, not only in settling into a new place but saying goodbye to the old. It’s understandable that it can affect how we interact with our kids.

Thankfully, as with everything, things eventually settled. I learned how to stop reacting and losing my temper, especially with these tips below. Take a look at what helped the most:

1. Find your triggers

When you’ve just moved to a new place and you’re already tired from so many changes as it is, yelling becomes harder to stop.

It doesn’t help that we often yell at the very people we love the most. But at that moment, we lose all composure and raise our voices, maybe even assuming it’s the only way to get through to our kids.

One of the best ways to break the habit of yelling is to find your triggers. Like all habits, we yell as a reaction to something that happened. Each time you yell, ask yourself what happened right before you did that made you do so.

At first, the reasons can seem so scattered, from the kids fighting about the same toy to throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to go to school. But after a while, you might notice common themes among the events that set you off. These are your “triggers.”

Once you defined your triggers, give yourself an action plan of what you can do when they happen. This is the “pause” you give yourself between when the trigger happens, and when you typically yell.

It’s in that pause you can then replace your old reaction—yelling—with a new, more positive one.

How to Stop Yelling at Your Kids

Free resource: Exhausted and feeling guilty from constantly losing your temper with your child? Even if it seems like you’ve tried just about everything, you can stop if you start from the inside out and change from within.

In How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper, you can learn how to reflect on who you’re being and your habits and triggers. You’ll get ideas on what you can do when you feel that rush of anger rising within you. Grab your PDF below—at no cost to you. You’ll also get my newsletters, which parents say they LOVE:

“Thank you so much for all of your resources, Nina. You seem to send them right when I need them.” -Emilie H.

How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper

2. Accept your grief

As parents, we put a lot of pressure on our shoulders. We feel responsible for keeping our families intact and our households humming along just fine. When difficulties arrive, we’re compelled to carry most of that burden and shield our kids from things they don’t need to know about.

So, it can be hard to let out guard down and reveal our vulnerabilities. We put on our strong faces only to lock ourselves in the bathroom to cry alone.

But then we allow the negative emotions to build up so much that they erupt, whether in a resentful comment or harsh words to our loved ones.

Give yourself permission to grieve for your old life. Cry as long as you need to, whether alone or with your partner. As terrible as it is to feel down, don’t deny that you feel this right now. Remind yourself that emotions come and go and that you won’t feel stuck this way forever.

Accept the feelings of sadness in saying goodbye to people and places you’ve known. Reassure yourself that settling into a new place can feel lonely and frustrating. Write in your journal about your frustrations and anxieties, as this simple act can help you sort your thoughts.

Rather than brushing your feelings under the rug, accept them for what they are—normal feelings many people in your shoes would feel.

3. See your family as being on the same side

For many parents, a big move happens because of one person’s circumstances. Maybe you’re like my parents who moved because one of them pursued a post-graduate degree. Or your family could’ve made a long distance move for your spouse’s job.

When the reason for the move falls on someone else’s agenda, it’s easy to cast the blame on them. If only he didn’t take this job, I wouldn’t be here, you might think.

Then, the blame and agitation start to get directed to the kids for the most innocent offenses. You snap when they argue about whose turn it is on the scooter, or heave a heavy sigh when they leave crumbs all over the table.

And while resentment and frustration are normal, they’re also unhealthy. They pit the most important people in your lives—your partner and children—on the opposite side.

Instead, see your family as people on the same side as you. Let’s say the reason you moved was because of your partner. Remember, he likely feels just as lost and lonely as you. He may even feel more pressure and guilt for bringing his whole family to a new place because of his circumstances.

Imagine what it’s like to be in your partner’s and your children’s shoes. Your partner might feel like he’s the sole reason you’re all here to begin with. Your kids are now the new kids in school and may not grow up with the same family ties you may have been lucky to have as a child.

The more you see how they feel, the more you can realize how united you are in this new journey. You’re all on the same side, going through the same challenges. By banding together and reaching out as teammates instead of adversaries, you begin to open up, be more patient, and find solutions.

4. Stay in touch with old friends

Keeping in touch with friends and family from a distance is never the same as having them nearby, but even this little tie can make a huge difference. With so many ways to reach out—email, video chat, phone calls—make it a daily routine or weekly habit to reach out to your loved ones.

Not only can regularly spending time with them remind you of your old life, but it also gives you another place to open up about how you feel. Be honest with your friends and family about your struggles, and remind them how important they are.

I’ve had several good friends move away over the years, but each time we reconnect, it feels like we picked up right where we left off. Don’t let distance convince you that friendship isn’t possible when you’re miles away. Often, your true friendships grow stronger because of it.

5. Build new social ties

No one can replace your friends and family, but that shouldn’t keep you from developing new friendships in your new neighborhood.

It may be difficult to get out of your comfort zone, especially if you’re like me who can find it hard to approach people in person. Other times, you feel like you’re imposing yourself on others, especially if they’ve known one another for a while.

But even if these new relationships aren’t the same as your old ones, continue to reach out to others for company and support. You’ll feel less isolated with a support system, no matter how new. And if the thought of making new friends scares you, remind yourself that all friendships had to start somewhere.

A few support groups include:

  • Meeting other parents at your child’s school. Many schools offer volunteer opportunities, whether it’s working in the school garden or walking with a group of kids to school. I’ve made “mom friends” both ways, especially those in my kids’ classes.
  • Rekindle old hobbies. Focus on your interests, from as simple as a weekly hike to joining a knitting club.
  • Set up play dates. Has your child made new friends at school or other activities? Invite his friends and their parents for a play date at the park. Another option is to find mommy groups with children around the same age as yours. Meetup.com is a great place to start your search.
  • Attend a meet up with people from your old area. Whether you came from another country, state, or city, see if you can find social gatherings of people who came from back home. If you didn’t move from a long distance, visit old hangouts and familiar faces once in a while, or encourage old friends to visit you, too. The nostalgia and familiarity can feel comforting.

How to Make Mom Friends

Conclusion

I can’t imagine what it was like for my parents to travel from a hot, humid climate with everyone they knew to cold, snowy Chicago, raising two girls alone. But many parents—perhaps you included—experience a similar change every day. They pack up their old lives and need to settle into a new one.

Feeling depressed after moving is common but not permanent, especially when you take a proactive approach to settling in.

Begin by showing empathy towards your children and partner and see them as being on the same side as you. Don’t deny your grief or loneliness, and instead accept it, as well as the fact that it will pass with time. Find your triggers to keep yourself from losing your temper.

And maintain old friendships while making new ones in your new home—both can remind you that you’re never truly alone.

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How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper

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