Are the grandparents getting too involved with your parenting? Here’s how to establish grandparent boundaries without stepping on toes.
“My parents won’t listen when I tell them no TV!” a friend vented. Her parents care for her kids in their home. And despite my friend’s request to turn the TV off, they continue to keep it on all day.
For many parents, it’s not just TV, either. They offer food parents forbid, buy too many toys, and don’t follow safety rules.
That’s not all. I’ve also heard parents complain about grandparents who smoke. Those who have all sorts of opinions about their parenting methods. And those who flat out refuse to follow their routine.
How to establish grandparent boundaries
I use the term “grandparents” loosely. This can apply to anyone who overrides your authority and, well, try to parent your kids their way.
Problem 1: Grandparents insist on doing things the way they did
Times have changed in a short period. Take, for instance, the sonogram: my parents’ generation had no such technology. Neither could they opt for the epidural. Formula was all the rage, giving solids early was advised, and putting a baby to sleep on their tummy was the norm.
So when grandparents hear the new parenting advice, they sometimes roll their eyes. Or at least wonder how quickly advice can change, just from one generation to the next.
The easy answer should be “Because we’re the parents,” but sometimes that isn’t enough. If your parents insist on doing things the way they did, back your claims with proof.
Explain how the AAP now recommends babies sleep on their back. How doing so has lessened the incidents of SIDS. Blame your child’s pediatrician about feeding solids much later. Highlight the convenience and savings of breastfeeding.
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Problem 2: “Our house, our rules”
Your parents might not be willing to accommodate your rules when your kids are in their house, especially tricky if they watch your kids regularly.
What happens if your parents watch television all day, despite your stance against it? Or if your parents smoke? Or insist on giving your child candy or refuses to dice the hotdogs and grapes like you requested?
It all depends.
On one hand, it’d be unfair to expect your parents to change their entire lifestyle for your child. They might be willing to add corner protectors, but not so keen to away every breakable figurine. Imagine visiting friends and asking them to “prepare” their home for your arrival.
But at the same time, hold true to your values. How much do you not want your child to be around a television all day? Or cigarette smoke? Or eating candy? If their disregard convinces you to seek alternative child care, then perhaps that’s your best option.
Because while their house is theirs to enjoy, you also need to exert your authority over your child. Besides the occasional treat, there shouldn’t be many exceptions to the rules. An “our house vs. grandma’s house” kind of thing. Having your rules flaunted is disrespectful to you and not in the best interest of your child.
Problem 3: Grandparents offer too much help
Crazy, I know, but some grandparents offer too much help: They want to come over every day. Or change every diaper. Or stock your fridge with food galore.
To me, this is a blessing—I appreciate when people try to help. But I understand that sometimes it can go too far.
If your parents or in-laws are overstepping your boundaries, let them know, politely. Acknowledge their desire to help and let them know you appreciate it, but specify how they can help best. Maybe they can come over once a week to take your kids to the park, or visit them for dinner once in a while.
But my best advice? Enjoy it. If your mom wants to change the baby’s diaper, let her. Consider it your mini break from one of the many tasks you have on your plate.
Problem 4: Grandparents are teaching your kids hot topics
Another co-worker and I were talking about his kids’ nanny. “I’ll come home and find these pamphlets about her religion on the coffee table,” he said. “And my kids have blurted these statements that could only have come from her.”
From religion to sex to drugs, grandparents might be teaching hot topics. Things better left for you to explain.
Yes, kids learn their values from their village, but hot topics are reserved for parents. You wouldn’t expect day care workers to teach hot topics—neither should grandparents.
Some don’t mind these extra teachers. If parents agree with grandparents, these values are reinforced more so. But sometimes they’re teaching values you don’t agree with or would rather explain yourself.
Express your appreciation for their effort and respect their beliefs and views. But if it makes you uncomfortable, ask them to keep their thoughts private and not teach your kids.
Your parents’ lives shouldn’t change drastically for your kids. But they need to distinguish between going about your life and teaching it to the grand kids.
Conclusion
It’s tough dealing with grandparents trying to parent and undermining your authority. But both you and your parents want the same thing: the best for your child. You may just have different thoughts of what that is and what the means of getting there.
Get more tips on setting grandparent boundaries:
- How to Tell Grandparents to Stop Spoiling
- Toddler Too Attached to Grandma? How to Cope with Your Emotions
- Why You Should Definitely Intervene when Adults Overwhelm Your Kids
- How to Balance Parenthood with the Rest of Your Life
5-Day Parenting Challenge
Looking for actionable steps and quick wins in parenting? The Better Parenting 5-Day Challenge is for parents who know they want to improve but need that little nudge and supportive guidance to do so.
Over the course of 5 days, we’ll tackle one actionable tip per day you can implement right away that will drastically change the way you raise your child. This is your chance to challenge yourself and make the changes you’ve been meaning to make. Sign up today!
I have had many of these experiences in my short 5 years as a parent, but throw a “step” in there and it is even more challenging. My husband’s step-mom is difficult to deal with when it comes to her home. They live 8 hours away, so we don’t visit them frequently as it is. Our youngest was 11 months at our last visit. I kept moving things from the coffee tables and side tables (a dish of sewing needles, a dish of marbles, old family books, a jar of change). We would leave and come back in the room a few minutes later to find them all back in their original locations. Upon actually watching me put them up, my step-MIL said, “Oh, those marbles actually belong on the side table, and that is where they are staying.” Yep, she refused to move needles, marbles, or loose change out of the reach of our toddler, despite my explanations and outright pleading. The visit was exhausting because I spent two whole days trying to keep Graham from choking to death. Under normal circumstances I would be much more forceful, but you can’t get anywhere with her on any subject, so I just dealt with it. And they wonder why we don’t visit…
Haha you know the crazy thing is is that she’s probably thinking, “Crazy woman, putting things away…” lol. Everyone’s got their opinions, right? So far I haven’t been to a home that had too many valuables where I couldn’t keep my kid away from them. I’ll usually try to distract them away from the breakables, but it’s hard when you’re actually staying over there. There’s only so much distraction a kid can take!
We do not have this problem at all! My parents are very easy to have around; I wish they were around more. My mother-in-law parents very differently from how I do, but she is nearly always respectful of our approach to parenting, and we don’t get to see her much either. I like your tips for dealing with this issue, though.
Thanks, MaryAnne 🙂
We saw some potential issues in this area early on so we just made it clear: our kids, our rules. This is usually respected and when it’s not, we deal with it directly and move on. We try to be flexible about most things, that way the few areas we’re really firm about don’t get questioned.
Good idea about picking your battles, Steph. Always important to not be too uptight that we don’t enjoy the moment or the situation.
OMG – you are making my skin CRAWL with this post! My blood pressure is rising and I am getting hives – just at the thought of my inlaws watching our kids! I love family – but at a safe distance! 🙂
Aw, yeah I can see where you’re coming from, Tove. Sometimes there are those days where you wish you lived on the other side of the coast from family. I’m actually the farthest one out of all my siblings (about 17 miles from everyone) but it has its pros and cons for sure.
My in laws watch my kids for me once a week and there are some things I have decided to let go, especially since they are great and I really appreciate their help. TV was one thing I decided to let go. When they are under two, my kids pretty much get no TV at my house and then less than an hour a day after that. I mentioned it once or twice when my first was a baby and since then I’ve dropped it. I decided that watching TV one day a week was no big deal. Junk food is another thing I’ve let go of. If it were extreme, I’d hold to it, but since most of what they feed my kids is healthy, I’ve just requested no artificial sweeteners and let the other stuff go. I don’t push organic milk, unprocessed snacks, etc. Again, it’s one day a week, so I’ve decided that for me, it’s not a big deal.
Now if it were a daily thing, I’d have problems with both of these things and would ask them to change or choose another childcare option for my kids.
Once a week is definitely not bad. I think when it gets to be an every day thing, that’s when you have to weigh how important are those rules or values compared to the other pros of having the grandparents watch the kids. For me for instance, if any of my caregivers smoked, that would be a definite no.
I’ve also gotten a bad rap in the family early on for being so strict about sweets. It sort of sucked being outed like that, but I got over it (both about others thinking I’m weird and the strictness about sweets).
My in-laws’ house is a death trap and they’re rather inattentive and aloof, so we have to be there to supervise the kids. Or should I say, to supervise the adults? 😉
As much as I love my parents, I would never want them to be regular daycare for the kids. I know it works well for some, but it’s hard to blur the lines between ‘fun grandparent’ and ‘authority figure’. My parents are pretty quick to give advice, and I’m pretty quick to dismiss it if it’s unfounded. But I do let the kids go a little crazy when they’re with their grandparents. It’s one of the things that makes grandparents special, you know?
Leslie you bring up such a good point. My mom visits every week and I think it’s a weird balance for the kids to realize when she’s the fun one and when they should listen to her. I still love having her here though for the help and spending time with the kids, but I can see how if a grandma is a regular caregiver, she’d definitely have to be more authority figure than the fun grandma.
My father in law helped watch our kids for stretches of time when they were young. I greatly appreciated both his and my MIL’s sacrifice during those times because my FIL and MIL were apart. Also, my FIL isn’t sprightly, which is to be expected, so I wouldn’t put demands on him as strictly as I would our Au pair, for instance, who is more than half his age. So, in my opinion, if you don’t like the way your family is taking care of your kids FOR FREE, then pay for someone to do it the way you want it. When we visit the grandparents’ house, I’m very lax in my rules on screen time and eating junk because grandparents should enjoy the time they spend with their grandkids. Plus, a day or two of spoiling them won’t spoil them for life.
Age definitely is a big deal when it comes to expectations with your parents. I don’t expect my mom to lug our double stroller out and about, even though our nanny does on a daily basis, for instance.
And yea, that’s pretty much what I told my coworker: it’s free 🙂 For sure pay someone real bucks if it’s a big deal because with grandparents it can be a thorny subject. They’re not exactly employees where you can say exactly what you want without the potential of “walking on eggshells.”
You’re also right and like Laura said above—once in a while won’t hurt, it’s the regularity of it that would build a habit.
I have a 17yr old who now live at his grand parents because he gets free reign on what he can do. Where i try to teach boundries they take over amd reward them. They dont contact me they have barely enouraged him to come back. They say he is adult and choose his own path. Ive had enough and scared that i have lost my son to them i will get the same treatment from my youngest 13yr old. Its happend since birth. I said no sweets as soon as he ate. He got choc buttons. Undermined all the way! I try talking to them. Nothing i say goes.!???