How to Set Grandparent Boundaries (Without Stepping On Toes)
Are your parents or in-laws getting too involved with your parenting? Here’s how to set grandparent boundaries without stepping on toes.
“My parents won’t listen when I tell them no TV!” a friend vented. Her parents care for her kids in their home. And despite my friend’s request to limit screen time, they continue to keep it on all day.
For many parents, it’s not just TV, either. Grandparents offer dessert without your permission and buy too many toys and gifts. They let the kids skip a nap and don’t follow safety rules, despite the parents’ wishes.
They have all sorts of unsolicited advice about potty training, bedtime, and behavior, and some even smoke around them.
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How to establish grandparent boundaries
As aggravating as it is when grandparents disregard your rules or even try to overstep their role, they’re still extended family and an important part of your child’s life.
Your child can bond and develop a strong relationship with her grandma or grandpa. They provide childcare that allows you to work or save money. And they’re your own parents or in-laws—at the end of the day, they’re family.
Still, that can make it even harder to set boundaries and stick to your parenting choices. They’re not employees that come and go, and any critiques or disagreements can linger and fester long after. How can you juggle your role as the parent of your child while still being grateful for all they do?
Take a look at these common problems you might be facing and how you can set healthy boundaries:
Problem 1: Grandparents insist on doing things the way they did
Times have changed in a short period, don’t you think? Take, for instance, technology. My parents’ generation couldn’t rely on a sonogram or even an epidural during their pregnancies. Formula was all the rage, giving solids early was advised, and putting new babies to sleep on their tummies was the norm.
And forget about car seats. I still remember my own childhood of riding in the back of a hatchback on road trips, waving at the cars behind us through the window.
So, when your child’s grandparents hear new parenting advice different from what they’re used to, they sometimes roll their eyes. They wonder how quickly times have changed, just from one generation to the next, and don’t always understand your reasoning.
The easy answer should be “Because we’re the parents,” but sometimes that isn’t enough. But if the grandparents insist on doing things the way they did, back your claims with proof.
Explain how the AAP now recommends babies to sleep on their backs and how doing so has lessened the incidents of SIDS. “Blame” the pediatrician for feeding solids later, and highlight the savings of breastfeeding.
By sharing recommendations from professionals, they might be more likely to listen and follow instead of getting upset.
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Problem 2: “Our house, our rules”
Your parents might not be willing to accommodate your rules when their grandkids are in their house, which can be tricky if they watch them regularly.
What do you do if they keep the television on all day, despite your stance against it? What if they smoke, insist on giving your child candy after every meal, or refuse to dice the hotdogs and grapes as you requested?
It all depends.
On one hand, it’d be unfair to expect your parents to change their entire lifestyle for your child. They might be willing to add corner protectors, but not so keen to stow away every breakable figurine. Imagine visiting friends and asking them to “prepare” their home for your arrival.
Similarly, it’s easy enough for them to wash the pacifier often or only offer snacks you provide. But it’s a big ask to kennel their dog all day or hide every vase in the house.
But at the same time, hold your ground where it matters (and when change is simple). How much do you not want your child to be around a television all day? Or cigarette smoke? Or eating candy? If their disregard convinces you to seek alternative child care, then perhaps that’s your best option.
Because while their house is theirs to enjoy, you also need to exert your authority over your child. Besides the occasional treat, there shouldn’t be many exceptions to the rules, an “our house vs. grandma’s house” kind of thing. Having your rules flaunted is disrespectful to you and not in the best interest of your child.
Problem 3: Grandparents offer too much help
Some grandparents offer too much help. They want to come over every day and change every diaper. Gift giving is the norm with every visit, and they stock your fridge with food galore.
To me, this is a blessing—I appreciate it when people try to help, but I understand that, sometimes, these habits can go too far.
If your parents or in-laws are overstepping boundaries, let them know, politely and with empathy. Acknowledge their desire to help and let them know you appreciate it, but specify how they can help best. Maybe they can come over once a week to take your kids to the park, or visit them for dinner once in a while.
But my best advice? Enjoy it. If your mom wants to change the baby’s diaper or help with your toddler’s tantrum, let her. Consider it your mini break from one of the many tasks you have on your plate.
Problem 4: Grandparents are teaching your kids hot topics
“I’ll come home and find these pamphlets about her religion on the coffee table,” another friend said about his mother-in-law. “My kids have blurted statements that could only have come from her.”
From religion to sex to drugs, grandparents might be teaching hot topics—things better left for you to explain.
Yes, kids learn their values from their village, but hot topics should be reserved for parents. You wouldn’t expect daycare staff to teach hot topics—neither should family members.
Of course, some parents don’t mind input from these extra teachers. If you agree with the grandparents, these values are reinforced more so in your children’s lives. But sometimes they’re teaching values you don’t agree with or would rather explain yourself.
Express your appreciation for their effort and respect their beliefs and views. But if it makes you uncomfortable, ask them to keep their opinions private and not mention them to your kids. Spending time with each other is still possible without teaching these topics.
Your parents’ lives shouldn’t change too much for your kids, but they need to distinguish between their lives and teaching it to their grandchildren.
Conclusion
It’s tough dealing with grandparents trying to parent and undermining your authority.
They might insist on doing things “their way,” or that it’s their house and rules that matter. Maybe they offer too much help or teach the kids topics you’d rather they keep to themselves. Tension can certainly grow with these family dynamics.
But remember, both you and your parents want the same thing: the best for your child. You may just have different thoughts about what that is and the means of getting there.
Get more tips:
- How to Tell Grandparents to Stop Spoiling
- Toddler More Attached to Grandmother? Here’s How to Cope
- How to Balance Parenthood with the Rest of Your Life
- Toddler Rejecting Mom? 5 Powerful Ways to Respond
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