Do you struggle with losing your temper with your children? Discover how to stop yelling at your kids, control your anger and keep your patience.
“He whines, and regresses to acting like a baby, and I just explode,” a friend confided. “Even after spending one-on-one with him, I resorted to yelling at my child so much that he got scared.”
I’ve been guilty of doing the same. During the weeks before and after the twins were born, I lost my patience with my “threenager”. I had gone from raising my voice two times ever to taking my anger out on him. I wasn’t exactly the parenting model (I write a parenting blog, for crying out loud!).
Stress. Loss of patience. Expecting too much of our kids. Lack of sleep. These are the factors that make normal, sane, intelligent women lose it with their kids. These all-too-common situations along with our own imperfections make us normal for doing so.
How to stop yelling at your kids
My son felt terrified of taking a bath and wanted out. He was shrieking, clamoring over the tub’s edge, and flailing around an already-slippery tub. But rather than acknowledge his feelings or even let him skip a bath, I stood my stubborn ground.
In an attempt to show him who’s boss, I refused to let him leave the bath. I didn’t have my A-game on. If I did, I would’ve consoled him and showed much-needed empathy. Instead, as they say in Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax, “I got mad. I got terribly mad.”
I got him out of the bath early and toweled him off. I sped through our reading and singing routine before planting a quick kiss on the cheek and leaving.
It was a bad night.
How then can we better manage our frustration when we feel like raising our voices? Here’s what I remind myself:
1. Your child doesn’t always misbehave
In the moment, it feels like our kids never behave. We draw conclusions based on our anger or how often it feels like they throws tantrum.
But these moments are rarer than they seem. You forget the many times she behaved at dinner and played with her siblings. And all the other situations when she behaved well.
Sometimes, letting your child “win” can save your sanity. Letting the little things go doesn’t turn kids into monsters who take advantage of their parents.
Exhausted and feeling guilty from constantly losing your temper with your child? Even if it seems like you’ve tried just about everything, you CAN stop losing your temper… if you start from the inside out and change from within.
In my PDF, How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper, I’ll show you how to reflect on who you’re being, your habits and triggers, and what you can do when you feel that rush of anger rising within you. Join my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you:
2. Losing your temper in the past has never turned out well
Have you yelled so loud your voice grew hoarse and you couldn’t stand the shock and fear on her face? Remember that feeling the next time your anger rises. Sometimes remembering how terrible it felt to yell at your child keeps you from doing so again.
As reactive as yelling may be, it actually makes the situation worse, not better. No child gets yelled at and thinks, “Ah, now I can calm down.” No, instead they mirror our emotions and cry and get frustrated even more.
3. Take a step back
When I’m lucky, I still have part of my parenting cap on my head enough for me to pull myself out of the crazy tornado.
It’s almost like I’m watching myself in action. I see and feel the emotions in me without reacting to them. I realize this is temporary and better days will come, and that a calm mom is more effective than a hysterical one.
4. Be grateful
Do her annoying demands matter when she’s healthy and loved? Gratitude can be cliche, but for a reason: it works. I’m not in the best mood when my babies cry, but remembering how healthy and happy they are keeps me in check.
5. Do something silly instead
A few months ago, my son was in a grumpy mood when I felt my anger boil. But instead of yelling, I made a silly sound and laughed instead. Doing so not only keep me from yelling, it also made me laugh at myself and the situation.
We shouldn’t laugh everything off, but being silly can be a better alternative. Once you remove yourself from your reaction, you can then hold a calmer conversation.
6. Work on the underlying issue causing your child’s behavior
Your child seems to complain about everything. She refuses to take her socks off or doesn’t want to eat breakfast. But think about deeper issues beyond what you see.
Maybe she’s dealing with a new baby sister and doesn’t understand why her life has changed so much. Or she senses you’ve been extra busy and distracted when you come home from work. Resolve hidden issues she may be facing to prevent her misbehavior in the first place.
7. Their fits are developmentally appropriate
While we’re developmentally mature, we still interact with people who aren’t. Children don’t act up trying to make us angry.
Instead, they’re handling their feelings in the only ways they can. They don’t have the tools to handle the emotions they feel. And if your child has a lot on her plate, she can feel frustrated and confused.
8. Give your kids a hug. Sing a song. And realize all they want is to know you still love them.
My son refused to leave the car and go into our home. I was alone with all three kids in the garage, with no way to carry all three upstairs. I felt like blaming him for his behavior. I wondered why he’s always making things so difficult.
Instead, I pulled him close and gave him a hug. He crumpled in my arms and felt safe and loved. And later, he calmed down once I sat him on my lap and sang songs. He just needed to know I was on his side.
9. Take a look at what could’ve gone wrong
See the triggers that set you off so you can replace your reactions with more productive responses. And make the necessary changes in your life to avoid yelling at your child, from small ones like waking up earlier to big ones like reducing your hours at work.
Once I cooled down, I took a long hard look at what went wrong. I realized that when I get mad, I’m better off relaxing, even if it means deviating from routine. I learned that I need to pick my battles. And that holding my ground can sometimes lead to unnecessary frustration.
I also learned that power struggles escalate when I feed into the draining emotions.
If he was yelling, I’m better off not yelling back, no matter how tempting and difficult it is to stay calm. And that it’s always best to be the bigger person and let it go. Nothing is so set that it’s worth this much draining energy.
Get more tips about finding your triggers to avoid yelling at your kids.
Conclusion
None of these tips are easy. It’s harder to pause and redirect your anger to something more productive, all while the kids are at their worst. Practicing any of these tactics won’t result in warm and fuzzy feelings. They even feel unnatural—who wants to keep their voice calm when the kids are yelling?
But these actions will keep you from raising your voice and even lead to a learning moment. Sure, yelling at your child can “work”: she’ll obey, be quiet and leave you alone. But yelling doesn’t solve the problem—it can happen again, or worse, draw a wall between you two.
Instead, use these heated situations as teachable moments. You’ll both learn patience, respect, empathy and emotions. And yes, learn how to stop yelling at your child and communicate better.
Get more tips on how to stop yelling at your kids:
- How to Get Toddlers to Listen Without Yelling
- One Technique to Finally Stop Yelling at Your Kids
- How to Get Kids to Listen Without Yelling and Losing Your Cool
- Unfair Reasons We Get Mad at Our Kids
- Before You Get Angry with Your Child, Read This:
How to finally stop losing your temper with your child
Exhausted and feeling guilty from constantly losing your temper with your child? Even if it seems like you’ve tried just about everything, you CAN stop losing your temper… if you start from the inside out and change from within.
In my PDF, How to Finally Stop Losing Your Temper, I’ll show you how to reflect on who you’re being, your habits and triggers, and what you can do when you feel that rush of anger rising within you. Join my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you:
This sounds all too familiar to me as well. I especially like the tip of imprinting your worst stand off in your mind. The regret and feeling of losing control when I react negatively during a highly emotional moment stick in my mind. I think it’s important to process what happened. What were the specific triggers? When did you realize your anger was escalating? What has helped to deescalate you and your toddler in the past? Thanks for always sharing important and applicable information!
Thanks for pointing out the tip on processing what happened, Kim. Some of the most insightful lessons I’ve learned happens when I sit down with my husband and reassess what happened, and like you mentioned, the triggers as well as possible solutions for the future.
I’ve always felt that simply being aware—even of our imperfect moments such as these—is a huge step in itself. Doing so provides room for growth than had we never sought to improve ourselves and admit our flaws.
Excellent tips. The only thing I would add is to always make eye contact when addressing a child’s behavior. I find that that one step keeps me grounded and focused on our relationship rather than my frustration.
You’re right, MaryAnne; same with me. The times when I can think straight enough to get down to eye level usually reminds me that I have a job to do and that it doesn’t include lashing out.
CAN RELATE!!!
Oh boy, can I. I seem to go through phases. Not sure if it’s my stress levels or boy going through button pushing moments but I need this post more than ever.
I’m sure it’s a bit of both Danielle! It’s crazy how kids can time pushing buttons to when we’re already going bonkers with stress. Hang in there mama!
Sometimes kids just need to know that you’re listening, that you understand, that you care about them. It’s so hard to be patient and take the time to listen to what they are asking for. Been there, many times.
Ugh so true Betsy. Of course I had my patience tested the day after I posted this article. I learned it really helps to identify your triggers too; now I know what my son does that will send me to angry-land and will in the future be better prepared when it happens.
I agree that they aren’t easy, especially because we are often so depleted (physically, emotionally…) ourselves when these moments erupt. I found that stepping outside helped (when they were old enough that I could leave the child inside unsupervised for moment) I also agree that anytime you can bring humor into a tense situation, it really helps!!!
You are so right, Seana—the sleep deprivation doesn’t help at all!
I wrote about this in my post ‘parenting without shouting’ because its something i really struggle with. One minute all is ok maybe a bit annoying then i find i’m shouting. Its like being possessed! We are trying different strategies in our house like changing the routine and me trying to understand my emotional situation…
Possessed, exactly! It can come out of the blue like you said. All is fine and peachy, or we even make it a point to start the day well, then one little trigger and the yelling begins. Sounds like you’re doing a great job with finding a solution that works for you Rachel!