How to Help Your Kids Cope with Loss

Have you lost a loved one recently? Learn a few ways to help you and your kids cope with this tremendous loss in your lives.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to come over today,” my mom said. “Remember how I was feeling tired last week? I’m still not feeling well, so I think I’ll just stay home.”

I didn’t think much about my mom’s decision not to visit that particular day like she usually does. She had stayed home in the past because of errands or a conflicting event that kept her from her usual Friday visits. Little did I know that the previous week would be the last Friday she would come here on her own.

In just a little over three months, she went from the independent, capable, and social grandma to taking her last breath on January 7, 2024. More than half a year later without her in my life, I still break down in tears at the realization that she truly is gone.

My husband and kids were heartbroken as well. After her death, we coped with this tremendous loss in our lives in the best ways we could. Some of the most meaningful have been these:

Talk about your loved one

Even now, just thinking about my mom can send me to tears, so it’s all too tempting to simply bury these thoughts and never talk about them again. But my husband and I made a conscious choice to always allow ourselves and our kids to talk about and grieve for my mom.

Grief is simply love that has nowhere else to go. It’s a sign that love was—and is—present. There’s no “end date” to when you stop grieving a loved one. That love will always be there.

So yes, we might cry and feel self-conscious, but it’s normal and healthy to feel this heaving sense of grief engulf you. We told our kids that they can feel heavy emotions long after she has passed, even years down the line, and that’s okay.

Any time I can bring her up, I do. It’s my way of keeping her memory alive, whether that’s talking about how she grew up, memories I had of her before they were born, and of course, the special moments they shared together.

Visit places that have special meaning

Over two decades ago, I was going through a rough time. I don’t even remember what I was so worried about, but it was enough for me to confide in my mom how overwhelmed I felt.

To help me feel a sense of peace, she took me to a retreat center she often went to. We walked through trails and trees before sitting on a bench overlooking a large pond filled with ducks.

We sat there simply observing—I don’t think she and I said a single word to each other the whole time we were there. It’s like she knew that the beauty of nature would be enough to comfort me. I imagine that she too had sat on that same bench many times, finding her own sense of comfort.

After her death, I decided to visit the place once again, this time with my family. The day wasn’t ideal—it was pouring rain, so we did our best to walk through the retreat center with our lone umbrella. As we entered and walked through the trails, a strong scent of roses greeted us, even though there were no roses or even flowers in sight.

We found the pond, but I was disappointed to see that there were no ducks as I had remembered. But just as that thought entered my mind, two ducks came flying onto the pond, as if to say “Hello, here we are.”

I sat on the same bench she and I had sat on all those years ago, and just as I began to cry, the rain stopped and a glimmer of sunshine peeked through the clouds. It was like her way of saying, “It’ll be okay.”

Besides the retreat center, I also attended mass on her birthday. I normally don’t go to church, but during those last few months when my mom was sick, I would pick her up and bring her over here to our home, including taking her to the nearby church. She loved going to church, so even though this wasn’t the one she usually attended, it still held a special place in my heart.

Recreate traditions

My mom wouldn’t come over empty-handed on Fridays—nope, she would come bearing food and snacks, especially from Trader Joe’s. We missed the goodies she’d bring, like blueberry muffins, cheese puffs, and meringues.

We normally don’t shop at Trader Joe’s, so at one point, we took a family trip to the grocery store, picking up familiar items that my mom would get. We loaded the cart with everything that she would bring us, and for once in a long time, our kitchen looked like she had just visited us.

Write to your loved one

I bought a journal specifically where I can write to my mom as if she was still here. I miss our talks, from the mundane to the deep, and writing to her has helped me imagine I was sitting across the dining table sharing these thoughts with her.

I also invite my kids to write to her in the journal as well. It’ could be’s a way for them to still “talk” to her and share what they’ve been up to, just as they used to.

Celebrate with flowers

“I think her favorite color was lavender,” my sister said. My other siblings and I agreed that our mom did wear a lot of lavenders and purples. It was also no wonder that she chose lavender as her 80th birthday theme color.

It dawned on me that I hadn’t known for certain what her favorite color was. But I decided to combine my mom’s favorite color with my love of gardening by gathering lavender flowers from my garden in a vase. I do this every Friday as a reminder of her presence, just as she used to come over every Friday.

Eat at familiar restaurants

My mom loved eating out, to the point where I had to convince her that it was okay to eat home-cooked food when she’d come over. Still, there were plenty of times when we decided to eat at a restaurant to celebrate a milestone (or because she convinced us to eat out).

So, I made a list of restaurants that we’ve gone to together and plan to eat at those places in an intentional way to remember her—for instance, we ate at Cheesecake Factory on her birthday.

Final thoughts

The kids asked what my first word was as a toddler. “I don’t know—we should ask Lola (grandma).” As soon as the words escaped my mouth, I felt a stab to my heart, as if I were reminded yet again that I could never ask her what my first word was, among other questions I still have.

Living with loss has been difficult. I’m afraid I’ll forget what she sounds like and grieve the moments, good and bad, that I can’t share with her.

But we move on as I know she would want us to. We honor and remember her as best we can, whether that means visiting special places, writing her a letter, or simply telling one another our favorite memories about her.

She may no longer be here with us in our presence, but she will always remain in our hearts and our lives.

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