Do adults tease your child, even with good intention? Learn why you need to respond to others’ teasing and how to do so firmly yet tactfully.
You’re at a family party, and grandpa teases your child and pretends to take away his toy. He means well, as most adults do when they try to make kids laugh, but now the teasing has grown out of hand and your child is getting upset.
On one hand, you don’t want to be that parent everyone has to be careful about with what they say to her kids. So you laugh it off, while still dropping enough hints that it’s time to stop the teasing.
But you realize he’s getting upset and doesn’t appreciate the joke everyone seems to be laughing at. Or worse, he doesn’t even realize they’re laughing because of him.
Why you need to respond when adults tease your child
Dealing with people who tease your kids is a balancing act. You don’t want to go overboard and monitor what everyone says to them—do that often enough and you might prevent others from even wanting to spend time with them.
And some teasing isn’t all that terrible, especially when your child seems to be able to brush it off easily. We all tease one another in good jest, so policing even the slightest hint of a tease may be too much.
But sometimes, adults cross the line and your child feels upset. Despite your friends and family’s protests, you may need to trust your gut and stand by your child. Why?
1. Your child is just a child
Kids’ version of jokes and humor don’t fall on the same level as those of adults. My children’s jokes usually run from corny to downright strange and not funny, so when adults pit jokes—no matter how well meaning—it may not sit well at all.
After all, your child isn’t an adult or even an older child who can retort with a good comeback. He’s not used to this kind of joking, especially when it seems like he’s being made fun of. He may have a feeling a line has been crossed but doesn’t know how to defend himself.
I’ve been in situations where a friend—again, well-meaning—was teasing my son, except the joke was way over his head and didn’t even know my friend was having a laugh. In those cases, it’s still important to say, “He’s teasing you, it’s a joke” to call it off.
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2. Adults don’t always take kids seriously
Let’s say your child does get that it’s a joke about him, and even tries to defend himself with a good-natured “Stop.” Some adults may still not take her seriously, assuming he’s in on the joke or is able to laugh it off. Other times, they simply don’t take his “no” seriously.
If you know he has had enough and adults aren’t listening, it’s time to stand up for him on his behalf. Coming to his defense not only lets the other adult know to knock it off, it also shows your child that his words should be heard and are valid.
Having you by his side validates his feelings and reassures him that his frustration is normal.
3. Adults shouldn’t laugh at a child’s expense
Some adults don’t mind being the subject of jokes—personally, I’m rarely one of them. So I can’t imagine why adults should laugh any more at a child’s expense when we hardly do it to one another.
It’s fine to laugh with kids about a joke, especially one they can also laugh about, but it becomes a problem when they’re the subject of one.
You can always tell one from the other by imagining how your child would feel if he found out you’re laughing at something he did or said. If he can laugh right along, then it’s a joke he can join in on. If he ends up in tears, then you know adults are laughing at his expense.
It doesn’t matter whether he knows he’s being teased or laughed at or if he’s oblivious. Not only is being the subject of a joke a terrible place to be in, it’s worse when kids don’t even realize that they are.
What to do when adults tease your child
Dealing with adults teasing a toddler can get tricky. Some people may not think their jokes should be taken so seriously, while others believe their teasing is done with affection.
Some kids can stand to be the subject of jokes, while many would burst into tears if they even so much as knew others were laughing at them.
To make it even worse, some adults can feel offended if you tell them to stop teasing, and others even hold grudges against you. They might turn it around on you and say you’re making a big deal out of nothing, and relationships can feel extra tense.
There’s no clear definition on what is or isn’t appropriate, what with different personality types and relationships you may have with those around you. But when teasing becomes too much, try a few of these suggestions:
1. See if the teasing needs your attention
You may not need to stop all teasing, so base your involvement on your child’s reaction. Did he seem bothered, or is he laughing right along? If he seems to be enjoying the joke, you may not need to put a stop to the teasing, but if he she looks hurt, then it’s time to step in.
Before stepping in too quickly, watch his reaction to see what your next move should be. You may not even need to step in if he seems to enjoy the playful banter or can joke right along.
2. Say something lighthearted
Let’s say you realize the teasing is getting out of hand. Depending on the joke, the person saying it and how often they tease, you can start diffusing the teasing by saying something lighthearted but still to the point.
For instance, if you notice him getting upset, you can throw the joke back on the adult. You can also tell them to stop in a lighthearted, playful way but still with a hint of “Don’t go there.”
Let them know it’s enough, and often, just the fact that you’ve come to your child’s defense, even in a playful way, will already send that message.
3. Address the adult
If the teasing persists despite your lighthearted attempts to make it stop, take that person aside and let him know.
Start by empathizing and relating with the person. You might say that you know he loves your child, or that the teasing isn’t a big deal to most people. Or that while you find the jokes funny or even accurate, but that your child doesn’t feel the same way.
In fact, you notice that he gets upset when he feels like he’s in the spotlight, from jokes to general attention.
Explain that he may not understand the joke, or doesn’t realize it’s meant to take lightly. Even though you know it’s a joke, he may not, and feels upset about it instead.
Then follow up with suggestions on what your child does like about this person, such as when he gives him snacks or roughhouses or plays soccer with him. This reassures the adult that his relationship with your child is important and valued when expressed in other ways.
Keep this conversation in private so the adult doesn’t feel reprimanded in front of an audience. He’ll feel less defensive and will be better receptive to your ideas when he doesn’t feel attacked in front of everyone.
Conclusion
Your little one is still a child, one who may not “get” the kinds of jokes adults like to make. He doesn’t appreciate being the subject of one and may not have the same sass or quick thinking to retort with a good comeback.
And adults shouldn’t have a laugh at a child’s expense, especially if they don’t take her feelings seriously.
Instead, first decide whether the teasing needs your attention—you don’t want to stop all types of jokes because they might upset your child. If you need to step in, do so in a lighthearted way such as with a funny comeback to the joker or a playful “knock it off.”
And if the teasing doesn’t stop, address the adult in private by acknowledging his good intentions that may not sit well with your particular child. Highlight other ways your child enjoys his company to reassure him you value his relationship.
No one likes to see her child teased, least of all by adults who may be laughing at his expense. Be his advocate, the one who’ll step in. You’ve got years of experience with social settings, much more than him. Step in to be his voice when he needs it the most.
Get more tips:
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i struggle with these situations too and find it hard to say stop, then feel guilty because my children are upset 🙁
Yes, exactly! It’s either you’re the Debbie Downer who doesn’t like to have fun, or your kids are miserable. It seems like so much depends on the family dynamics, the level of teasing, and like Steph alluded to, the temperament of the kids.
My poor nieces and nephews. My family (and my husband’s) are the worst for teasing! Neither my husband or I tolerate it. I immediately call the action out wherever we are.
My mom and sister were teasing my 14-year-old niece about a boy. She was outwardly getting upset and asked both of them to stop. My niece left the room and when she came back my sister started it up again. I stepped in and asked them both to stop bullying her. My mom was shocked that I considered it bullying. My sister’s response was, “But mom did it to us…it’s just what you do”. No! It’s not what you do. I said, “She’s a vulnerable teenager in a crazy world of violence and peer pressure. Please stop teasing her.”
My mother apologized and my sister rolled her eyes and then apologized. I can’t tell people what to do behind closed doors. But I cannot stand by and witness this behavior. It may be the teacher in me but I can’t stomach teasing (or bullying for that matter).
Ooh, I hadn’t even considered teasing about boys/girls, but yes I see this a lot! I think when kids get teased about boys/girls, it makes it especially awkward because these are natural feelings but they’re not sure if they’re “okay” or not. So when the teasing happens, it almost confirms that yeah, this must be something to be hush hush about.
It can totally be bullying too, albeit a bit less traumatic than maybe from other students or strangers. I also wouldn’t want kids to be teased for their appearance.
I try to monitor my daughter’s reaction and respond accordingly. If she’s uncomfortable and not expressing it, I tell her she can tell someone “no thank you.” If she’s already said she doesn’t like it, I try to reinforce her displeasure with the adult. But she’s likes some “teasing-type” games already and will often join in and do it right back so then I just continue to watch to see if it goes too far. But I agree with you that it can be hard because I too don’t want to be THAT mom.
Steph, I totally know what you mean. On one hand you want to protect them and make sure they’re not being teased incessantly, but then you also don’t want to be the Debbie Downer where no one feels like they can enjoy your daughter. I think your approach is awesome, because you’re aware that your daughter can probably “dish it out” but then you also want to make sure that she isn’t overwhelmed or it doesn’t go too far or too personal.
I know just what you mean. We try to teach kids assertiveness and personal boundaries but have a hard time with those ourselves, especially with family.
Luckily, none of my family members or in-laws tease little dude. I think what has helped with this is that I like to lay down what I expect from them when he’s around. I know it may sound weird but it works for us. For example, I explained to them that when little dude says “no”, they have to respect it and move on. No matter what he’s saying no to. I don’t like to sound rude or make them feel like they’re walking on eggshells like you said, but being firm and assertive from the beginning with family members and friends will help them see that a child is also a person and their feelings shouldn’t be taken lightly.
Great post! Love the new layout!
Ana, I’m glad to hear that you put your foot down and that your family hasn’t forever ostracized you haha! That’s one of my concerns, is that they’ll feel like walking on eggshells, but that’s great that you’re an example of how it can turn out just fine. I don’t think I’ve been explicit with family like that, but I do try to be mindful of defending him a bit more when he looks completely annoyed and frustrated. But like I mentioned in the post, sometimes I don’t do this enough or don’t think fast enough to come to his defense.
And thanks for digging the new layout! It’s still a work in progress but hopefully this one will stick around for the long haul. Glad you were still able to find me too—I still have to fiddle with how to make sure it comes up in email subscriptions. Sigh… the backend of blogging :/
I still get your subscriptions and you still show up on my “Blog I Follow” feed on Wordpress. Are you still using Wordpress or you’re self-hosted now?
Hmm, I think my wordpress.com is still up, but moving forward I won’t be updating that one. So since it still exists, that may explain why I still show up in the blogs you follow. I’m not sure though if you would get email updates moving forward unless you sign up on the email signup I have on the new site. But yeah I’m self-hosted now and no longer on wordpress.com. We’ll see—so much of this is trial and error lol!
I have found myself in a similar situation more than once because I belong to a family that loves to “bust each other’s chops.” Lane hasn’t been the subject of any teasing yet, fortunately. But when that day comes, oh Lordy, I don’t know how I’m going to respond. But I agree with your reasoning. Our children need to know that we are in there corner.
I’d love to witness your family going at it (with adults only, of course!). Sounds like it would be a festive family gathering 😉
I have similar problems with my 3 year old. Even I’ve fallen into the trap of teasing instead of getting frustrated, and then hate myself for it. I’m really at a loss as to when to step in because I get the whole “you want him to have thick skin” thing from my mother but I know I never liked the teasing and it did make me thick skinned, to a point that I was ashamed of my emotions and still have trouble expressing my true emotions to those I care about!
Thanks for a thoughtful post.
Hi Darlene, you bring up a good point about having a thick skin. I think it’s healthy to have a certain level of bouncing back, where we can take some heat. When we step in on our kids’ behalf, it’s more likely because our kids are outwardly irritated and the adult isn’t letting up. But I think if kids can manage on their own, then they can probably handle it to a point and the teasing isn’t as frustrating to them. I suppose our role is to find that line and come in when it’s crossed.
I like to joke around with kids and say silly, not cruel things. Often I will say, “Ready, Freddie?” to a kid as we are getting out the door. My own boys know this as a cute rhyme, but my friends son gets super offended, “My name is NOT Freddy, I am David.” Even now, at 7. Never wanting to be mean, I really attempt to curtail my vocabulary with such a literal child. As a grownup, it is my responsibility to not tease kids in a way that makes them frustrated. I don’t think it is mean to tell your family that your son doesn’t like to be teased. Explaining to them that he doesn’t understand their humor, but he does like their company isn’t rude.
Oh wow I wonder if the easily-offended tendencies has more to do with their personalities than their environments, e.g. they got teased or messed around with often that they resort to being literal. Either way, I think that’s great that you try to be sensitive to him; I’m sure he appreciates it! But yeah I joke around and say silly things too. Most of the time my toddler is in the mood but there *have* been days where he would totally say, “Not Freddy,” lol.
There’s that fine line between having some fun and carrying it too far. I have no problem stepping in as mama bear if need be. I grew up in a very sarcastic family so sometimes the ribbing just plain makes me weary.
Kerry, that’s great that you’ll stand up for your kids right away! I imagine that the family dynamics play a huge part in it, so that if a family gets sarcastic like you mentioned, then the mama claws need to come out more often than if the sarcasm was intermittent.
I try and tell the other person that i’m not okay with it but in a light hearted way. Making a joke out of it myself. It’s not ok though to ignore our little one’s right to say no. After all, they have to listen to our no’s and be expected to respond. Their little rights are just as important. Great post!
Thanks! I think I handle this situation in the same manner as you. I don’t flat out say, “Stop teasing,” but instead imply it in a light hearted way at first. I suppose if it ever got more serious then I wouldn’t be so light, but in my case a simple, light statement will usually do the trick.
Urgh…I wish I could say I rise above it all every time Greta ticks me off. But what usually ends up happening is that my inner toddler takes the reigns and I end up taunting her right back. I know I shouldn’t stoop to her level, but, man, there is something in the core of my being that just has to tease her back sometimes. Must be some old caveman DNA sh– or something. 🙂
You’re not alone—my husband does this too, even *after* he read this blog post lol. I think it’s the way he handles situations; he probably laughs it off more than brooding about it, but in my kid’s case, sometimes he is just not having it. Thankfully my husband doesn’t do this too often but maybe it’s his coping mechanism; toddlers are so darn hard, that sometimes teasing them is the first instinct versus yelling at them. But yeah, I’m the police in the family and do my best to stick up for my kiddo, *and* to not tease him myself (which I’ve done from time to time).
And good seeing you here again Yeti! Always good to hear from you.
My daughter’s boyfriend keeps teasing her son and he gets angry with him when he won’t eat certain foods. My daughter is on anxiety pills and I’m wondering if that’s causing the problem but she won’t listen to me
Hi there, I’m so sorry you have to witness these scenarios. You’re definitely a concerned grandma, for even finding these articles to help your grandson. I’m wondering if there’s a way to gently mention him to stop, or to joke about it for him to stop teasing or giving him a hard time about eating food?
Otherwise, as difficult as it is, I would share your point of view to your daughter and leave it at that. It’s hard for parents to watch their kids no matter what age make less than stellar decisions such as allowing her child to be teased. But at a certain point, we need to let go and allow them to make these decisions for themselves.
The next best course of action is to show your grandson unconditional love. Let him know you’re there for him and won’t tease him. That he can be completely himself with you. ~Nina
i sure have that problem. at first it was a joke….but i start noticing that my baby (1y5mths) starts hitting me, or others. Say “ha a” in a aggressive manner. his nanny (my sister in law) normally tease him, constantly. tease him by hitting him, grab him at the chest…..(as if his older). i see my boy don’t like it any more, he alway cries when im near by – and it seems he’s a bit scared of her…
So, i prepare myself not to freak out too much when she does it the next time – but i just cant step up because i know im not going to be too polite about it because i carried it too long. and i discover that i dont like seeing my baby be unhappy. His my first born.
So sorry to hear that, Leonette! There are definitely people who like to tease, and not for any wrong reasons—it can even be how they show affection, or what they think will make the child feel better. If you feel it’s getting worse, perhaps you can mention it, even casually to her at first, so she can stop teasing.
Hi! Thank you for your post. I have a little cousin who gets teased by my uncle, while im not sure of what to do. Do i defend her or ignore the teasing? At least now i know how to step in if she ever gets upset. Im not a mother, or is soon to be, but i dream of being a mother someday. It looks pretty challenging, but i believe being a mother is the best thing that can happen to a woman.
Hi there! If you feel comfortable addressing it with your uncle, you can say what you observe, like, “I don’t think she likes that.” If anything, reassure your cousin that it’s okay to feel upset, that her feelings are valid and not silly. xo, Nina
So I have a brother in law that teases my 2 year old toddler. He is known as the immature bully to children. My husband constantly tells him to quit because no one laughs but him. He thinks it’s funny to pretend take away his toy, say “my toy, my milk” etc. And that’s the only way he “plays” with him. I want our families involved in my son’s life but not if he continues to “playfully” torment my child
I hear you, Jeannie. Ideally, our families would interact with our kids exactly the way we want and wish them to. And for most of them, they do, or the little quirks they have are forgivable. But it sounds like he’s not stopping, no matter how often your husband tells him. Maybe he thinks you and your husband are just joking around, and usually people will “get the hint” even if we do say it playfully. But either he doesn’t get the hint, or he thinks it’s not big deal. Depending on your relationship with him, you might want to sit with him alone and share how you feel, doing your best to make it about what you want best for your son, rather than an attack on him. You’d even want to start the conversation by acknowledging the good things he does with your son, like engaging with him, etc., or acknowledging his intent, so that he also doesn’t feel attacked. Or sometimes you simply choose to spend less time with him if he truly doesn’t stop. It all depends on your relationship, but hopefully you find a resolution soon!