Worried that your twins are getting lumped in together too much? Encourage individuality in twins to develop their unique personalities and interests.
Before my twins were born, I swore I wouldn’t dress them the same. “I want them to have their own personalities and not get clumped in as twins all the time. They’ll look too alike and others will forget they’re individual people.”
Well… come delivery time, my twins looked nothing alike. Even now at two-years-old, they’re as different as can be. One is tall, the other short. One has straight hair, the other wavy. One is tall and lean, the other short and round. And that’s just with their appearances. They also have their own personalities, favorite activities and food preferences.
I have it easy with my twins. They were born ahead of the game.
Encouraging individuality in twins
But regardless of how different they look, they’re bound to be lumped in as ‘the twins.’ I still want them to have their own sense of self. To feel whole just as he is without needing to be part of a twosome. How can parents encourage individuality in twins?
1. Spend one-on-one time with each twin
Your twins will spend almost every minute with each other. Not just staying at home or being out and about together. They do the same activities, from eating to sleeping to playing. Logistics makes it easier to ‘batch’ their activities.
You can switch things up by spending time with each twin. At home, snuggle with one child on the couch while the other is reading a book. Take one twin out for an errand while another adult stays home with her twin. We even had a single umbrella stroller so we could take them out one at a time.
Spending time alone with a parent is already recommended for any child with siblings. It’s even more important for twins to feel comfortable apart to bond with their parents.
2. Have your twins choose their own clothes
One of my good friends is a twin. She told me her parents didn’t always dress them in matchy-matchy clothes. Instead, they’d go shopping and ask them which clothes they liked. Their parents encouraged them to choose their clothes and establish their style and preference.
My two-year-olds are still too small to decide and shop for clothes or order from the menu. But we’ll ask them, “Which shirt do you want to wear—the yellow shirt or the blue shirt?” They’ll feel empowered with the ability to make choices and develop their own preferences.
Get more tips about helping children make good choices.
3. Address your twins by name, not as “the twins”
On this blog, you’ll hear me refer to them as ‘the twins’ in my attempt to withhold their names online. But in my ‘real’ life, I call them by name, even if it takes longer to say or spell or write it out. They’re not “the twins” but unique people with their own names, lives and personalities.
4. Don’t assume your twins will like the same activities and toys
My twins enjoy many of the same activities (soccer, cars and reading, for instance). But I’ve also seen each one develop his own interests. For instance, one of them likes coloring more than the other. Or one likes his lovey while the other could care less about it.
And this is just in toddlerhood. I think about how it’d work out if they went to separate colleges. Or if they wanted to participate in different activities in school.
Each of your twins will have his or her own favorite activities. They’ll enjoy similar interests, but don’t assume they should the same things.
5. Give your twins different gifts depending on their interests
Doubling up on toys to give as gifts? Consider giving different gifts for each child instead, especially based on their interests. Don’t buy the same fire truck twice. Get two different gifts they can share and play with or enjoy by themselves.
What works for one child may not appeal to the other. Giving them gifts to encourage their passion embraces their individuality.
Conclusion
By default, twins are lumped in together—there’s no avoiding that. Identical twins are even confused for one another from looking so alike.
Parenting twins include encouraging their individuality. Letting them choose their own clothes and interests. Address them by name, not just as ‘the twins.’ Don’t assume that what one likes, the other will as well. And spend one-on-one time with each child.
They’ll know they’re unique and wonderful the way they are. And not because their identity is tied to being a twin.
p.s. Are you struggling with getting your twins to sleep through the night? My guide, How to Sleep Train Twins can help! Join my newsletter and download a preview chapter below—at no cost to you:
Get more tips:
- Simple Strategies to Take Toddler Twins Out Alone
- How to Avoid Excluding Your Non-Twin Child
- Twin Baby Registry Must-Haves
- How to Prepare and Care for Newborn Twins
- How Caring for Newborn Twins is Different from Singletons
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I have three kids and I refer to them in three ways: The bigs (the two older ones), the boys (obvious), the bookends (my oldest and youngest). They pair off in different ways depending on the day and on their mood. Mine are basically three years apart, so individuality hasn’t been too hard, but I smile when they choose to dress alike or copy each other in other ways. 🙂
Oh I love that Rabia! The bookends 😉
I love the way you are encouraging this individuality. I speak from no experience whatsoever but have often wondered how the parents of twins approach this.
We know several families with twins and the fact that we don’t refer to any of them as ‘twins’ probably echoes your sentiment and each of them are very individual.
The whole shared present thing is a bit like buying joint Christmas & birthday presents for people with December birthdays.
Nicky #twinklytuesday
Thanks Nicky! And yes, as a person whose birthday falls smack in the middle of the holiday season, I totally get the whole joint birthday thing. I never thought of that with twins, but yeah you’re right—they’re always going to share it with someone else. Thankfully it won’t be ‘forgotten’ like it is in the holidays!
Aw, I bet they’re so cute!
I think even having two kids is confusing for me. I’ve had to really drill into my brain that they’re not the same as each other, and neither is the same as me. It helps me not to project my own fears and anxieties.
It’s all so interesting, isn’t it?
That’s a good point to remember Tamara. They’re neither each other nor like us. Helps to put things in perspective when we expect them to act the same or have the same logic as we do.
My mum is a twin and all of what you’ve said is so important for any mum of twins to read. My mum was constantly referred to as just ‘the twins’. It’s such a shame. It’s something she remembers even now… #twinklytuesday
Wow that’s so interesting to read Jen! After all these years and she still remembers being called the twins. In a way it’s not all terrible, but if that’s so tied to your identity then it’s unfortunate to not be able to develop your own sense of self apart from that too.
What great tips! I think they can even be largely applied to siblings, because sometimes siblings get lumped together, no matter how hard we try not to. Remembering and helping to grow their individuality is so important!
Absolutely Jen, especially the ones super close in age or have very similar interests.
My twins are SO different. Not only in looks but in personality too so — as a result — we’ve always treated them as individuals! They’re two now and getting more different as time goes on! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday — please could you add our badge to the end of your post? Thanks!
Caro | http://www.thetwinklediaries.co.uk
Haha so you can relate, Caro! And my twins are two as well!
It sounds like you do a fantastic job encouraging your twins’ individualities. No one likes to feel ‘lumped’ in by their parents, whether as twins or as siblings. It used to drive me crazy that my parents would give me what my sister got for her birthday just because it was something she liked or wanted and we’re only 15 months apart in age. Love that you emphasize spending individual time with each child. That’s so hard for all parents to do, and must be so much more difficult for parents of twins!
Haha yes Leslie that happened to me too! We got a lot of doubles back in the day, even though we were three years apart. And yes, spending one-on-one time is pretty cool (and much easier to pull off than three!).
This is a REALLY important post. I have twins and can’t tell you how many times my husband (who is an identical twin) rails about parents dressing their kids alike. He hated when his grandmother tried to dress him in the same clothes as his brother. I witnessed this myself at a family wedding when she refused to even acknowledge my husband and his twin were separate people. She refered to him and/or his twin brother as “Chris and Craig” whenever speaking about them–like she didn’t want to take the time to even figure out who was who when they were clearly TWO SEPARATE individuals.
This experience was reinforced when I went to see a panel put on by the local Parents of Multiple club where new twin parents could ask parenting questions of twins of various ages (kids to elder adults). One 60+ year old woman, who was from the older generation that treated twins like they were a unit (dressed the same, called “the twins” etc.) told the story of a time when she was little (maybe 7?) at a family party when an uncle asked her which twin she was. She fel mortified and totally embarrased when whe realized she didn’t know. She broke down in tears and ran away. Folks had been referring to her and her sister as a unit for so long, she didn’t even know.
It’s always interesting to hear from adults who are twins Ali! Gives me an idea of what to look forward to or what to avoid with my toddlers now. That’s terrible that his grandmother refused to acknowledge him as an individual! And that’s an even crazier story with the woman who didn’t know which twin she was. How sad and it makes me even more determined to raise my twins and celebrate their unique traits.
I think a lot of this applies to any siblings, although it is definitely more pronounced with twins. All the kids in my family growing up went girl boy girl boy except for me and my sister, so we were lumped together as “the little girls” for five years (until another girl came along). And I lump my three girls together more than I should, although they have very different personalities from one another so that does help. Great tips!
Oh my goodness, same here with the sister right above me! We were four girls and one boy, but since she and I were the youngest and we were close in age plus looked a lot alike, we were always the girls.
Such great advice! I am a twin who was raised very much lumped together with my sister. it wasn’t until college when we began to be adults and did our own individuation. We stumbled a lot through this process and went through some painful times. If we could have been guided through this by our parents while we were still children, I believe it may have been less tumultuous. Thankfully, we are very good friends. We live quite far apart geographically, but speak, text, email frequently. She is still the first person I go to for advice, venting, etc!
Jeannine it’s so interesting to hear how adult twins fared growing up! I imagine it probably take a few trials and errors trying to establish yourselves while still maintaining a bond. That’s awesome you guys remained good friends through it all!
I don’t have twins but my toddlers are 13 months apart and I so relate to this. I am definitely taking these advice and making a change ☺️
Glad you found the post helpful, Kahliel! Thanks for commenting on my blog.
Very well said Nina! Twins deserve their own space. We are adopting many ideas which u have listed here to make sure our twin boys are feeling independent.
So glad to hear that, Janani!