How often do we reassure our kids by saying “It’s okay”? We try to make them feel better, but don’t ignore children’s emotions — here’s why.
“Let’s go to the beach!” I suggested to my toddler on a recent day off. The weather had finally started warming up, and I wanted to sit on the sand and hear the waves slapping back and forth. I packed up our blanket and toys, slathered on some sunscreen and headed out.
But once I set my toddler down on the sand on his bare feet, he cried, “Want to carry up!” He didn’t want to stand on the sand. Irritated, I carried my 30-plus pound toddler and a heavy, oversized tote bag across a long stretch of sandy beach.
Once I picked a spot though, I had no choice but to put him down so I could spread the blanket on the ground. Immediately, he starts crying again.
“It’s okay—it’s just sand,” I reassured him. I assumed he had just been finicky about dirt on his feet, something so trivial to me. I was even more confused considering that he’d been to the beach several times in the past without giving me trouble.
More honestly, I was annoyed that he wasn’t making this any easier on me in what was supposed to be a fun day off with just the two of us. I finally spread the blanket over the sand and my toddler plopped himself down, grateful to be away from the sand.
As I sat with my toddler on my lap, I dug my hands in the sand, patting it and letting the sand filter through my fingers. “You can try it too,” I told him. And only as he stretched out his arm to touch the sand did I notice his little hand shaking.
In that moment I realized my mistake in brushing aside his cries or assuming he should just get over the sand. He felt scared. Rather than accepting his fear as normal and real, I dismissed it as petty. But as I saw, his shaking hand showed that it was not.
Don’t ignore children’s emotions
It’s so easy to say “It’s okay” and dismiss the emotions of a child. We often do so to soothe our kids after they fall and get hurt. Or we say it to reassure their emotions. It might be a fear of sand, uncertainty about a new environment, or a scuffle with another kid.
Saying “It’s okay” seems like the right way to erase their hurt and frustration. We might hold them tight in our arms and whisper, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” In less patient times, we brush their emotions aside with a curt “It’s okay,” irritated with their behavior.
But the emotions are real to them—as real as our own adult emotions are to us. Kids may not be ready to be rid of them just yet, or can’t turn it off as quickly as we might think they could. They feel all the emotions emotions we do, but don’t understand or communicate them well.
The next time your child displays emotions, even if it doing so is a hassle, acknowledge how they feel. In doing so, you give him so many opportunities to further develop and define his feelings, such as:
1. A chance to sort through feelings
Imagine you got in a fight with a friend, and a volcanic eruption of emotions is swirling in you. You’re jealous of her new success. You feel rejected. You’re anxious over how to proceed with your friendship.
So you turn to another friend to sort your emotions, hoping she can provide a listening ear to your troubles. But instead she says, “It’s okay, I’m sure it’ll turn out fine.” In your mind, it’s not okay. You’re far from feeling the least bit okay.
When I told my toddler “It’s okay,” I didn’t provide an opportunity to discuss what he may be feeling. He still had too many emotions that I completely ignored by saying “It’s okay.”
Read about little ways you might be judging your child’s emotions.
2. Feeling respected
In addressing emotions, we’re respecting their feelings as just as valid as anyone else. They won’t feel belittled or small for being afraid of shadows or upset when another child takes a toy.
We may not show the same fears for shadows or anger over a child taking a toy, but these are real emotions children go through. It’d be the same as someone not taking our fears or anger as valid reasons to feel upset.
And when we address their fears instead of teasing them with, “Are you being a scardy cat?” they’ll understand that you take their emotions seriously.
Read three ways we unintentionally disrespect our kids.
3. Quicker way to reduce difficult behavior
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We might think that avoiding or brushing aside their feelings is a quicker way to get our kids to stop “bugging us” about them. Instead, the opposite is true. The more we acknowledge their emotions, the quicker they’ll be to feel reassured.
When my son would cry hysterically at bath time, I worked around his fears. I set the faucet to a slow trickle instead of a steady downpour. I raised the temperature and used my hands instead of a washcloth. And I didn’t just force him to take a bath.
Once I realized my mistake in glossing over my toddler’s genuine fear of the sand, I changed my approach. I…
- was less irritable at his cries and instead understood his hesitation at touching the sand.
- explained this sand was the same as the one he plays with at the playground.
- took the lead and played with the sand, but didn’t force him to follow suit.
- recommended walking on the sand but respected his decision when he said no.
- suggested he stand on my flip flops when it times to fold up the blanket if he didn’t want sand all over his feet.
This is especially useful in the long run. Sure, you might convince your child right now that his fear is no big deal, but that fear will continue to fester in him. But if you help him better cope with his emotions, he won’t continue to be afraid the next time he faces those triggers again.
Read 8 ways to explain emotions to your child.
Conclusion
As frustrating as it may be to deal with “petty” fears and emotions, acknowledge them as genuine feelings your child needs to sort through.
Each time you do, you give him a chance to sort through his feelings and learn what they are. You’re also respecting him and his emotions, just as you would another adult’s. And acknowledging his emotions is a quicker and more effective way to reduce difficult behavior than if you simply brushed them aside.
My son never did end up taking a stroll with me on the beach. The most daring he got was using his hands to play on the sand while he kept his feet safely tucked away on the blanket. And that’s fine. He knows his feelings are valid that adults won’t just brush aside with “It’s okay.”
Get more parenting tips:
- Little Ways You’re Actually Judging Your Child and His Emotions
- On Accepting Your Children for Who They Are
- 5 Things You Need to Do to Handle Your Threenager
- “He Needs You”: How to Help Your Angry Child
- Do You Know What to Do when Your Child Acts Out in Public?
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It’s amazing how often I find myself saying, or just about to say, “it’s ok.” even though I came to the same conclusions you describe here when my son was just a few months old. It is what I have always heard people say to children and what was often said to me, and even though I can remember feeling invalidated by it as a child, it still is an almost reflexive response. I just keep trying to put my beliefs into action, improving my response with each opportunity, and when I accidently say “It’s ok” I try to rectify the situation as you did at the beach.
Oh, yes! I find myself doing this too often, and I also realize it, in the moment. I completely agree that when we allow our children to experience their emotions, it helps to reduce negativity. This may sound sill, but thinking this way helped so much with my children and their hair care! It used to be a big deal until I started to really think about WHY they reacted the way they did. Just knowing that I care about how they feel helps them to stay calm. Sharing on my FB page.
This one is tough for me, because sometimes I like to say “It’s okay to be…sad/mad/scared/etc/” to try and address my child’s emotions, but sometimes I get frustrated when they are sad about rules or things I have said no to. For example, when it’s bedtime and they don’t want to go to bed.
We say this all the time! We know not to but it just comes out so easily. We mastered not saying “good girl” and now we need to move on to this. Because, honestly, if someone told me “it’s okay” when I was upset it would be anything but soothing.
Steph, I used to be a “good boy” praiser myself until I removed that from my vocabulary too. Sometimes it’s these innocuous phrases that make us think we should say them because they seem right that are the easiest to say.
I have brushed my little one’s feelings off way too many times. I had the mentality that boys should be raised tough so they are strong men. But, I have now relized that a man that is in touch with his feelings and knows what there worth is a lot better respected and successful in life.
Fantastic post!
What great advice. I remember several occasions I could’ve used that with my own kids. I’ll have to make it up to them with the grandboys. Thanks.
Yes! I grew up with a father who CONSTANTLY said, “You’re OK”, before he even knew if we were or not. It wasn’t “Are you ok?”, it was a statement. I try to avoid doing this to my own son, and I think because of my own experience with this behavior, it’s easier for me to not say it. My husband has a difficult time not saying it, though, and doesn’t think it’s as big of a deal as I do.
I definitely see where you are coming from though. It is very important to validate any and all feelings that our children have and it’s ok if they are not ok.
DH does this and it means different things to different people. It can mean: “you are OK so quit whining,” or it could mean, “I’m here to comfort you.” DH usually means the former while I mean the latter.
Great points! I do this without thinking about it too – but if someone says to me “It’s gonna be okay” I feel brushed off and unimportant. It MAY eventually be OKAY – but in the moment i just want someone to care. Great post!
This is a good reminder. We took our three year old to a Bounce and Play recently for a birthday party. She had been before (a year or so before when she was only two) and LOVED it. However, this time around she was terrified of the place. We were so frustrated because she had loved it the first time. After feeling exasperated, we finally realized that her fears were legit – and even though we didn’t totally understand them, we needed to respect them.
Great post! It is so easy when we are busy and overwhelmed or frustrated to take the easy route and not take the time to acknowledge their feelings. And frankly, sometimes I can’t help myself. But I do try to acknowledge her feelings even though we can’t really talk about it yet (she’s 13 months old). I am sure she can tell when we take the time to be there for her and it is a good habit to get into.
It’s definitely a good habit to get into. I remember doing things when my little guy was just an infant and feeling kind of silly (like talking to him frequently) but boy does it get ingrained in your head so that when the time comes where it’s *really* beneficial, you already have it down pat.
And yeah, we’re all human and will slip; we’ll never have a perfect record, but being more aware of things helps me make better decisions. Usually 🙂
You sound like such an amazing mother you should feel proud! Respecting your child like you do create a great bond for life.
Honestly, though, sometimes kids really ARE okay, but they don’t realize it until you say something. To continue your analogy, there have been plenty of things I’ve been sad about to my husband until he looked at me with a “Seriously? Why are you upset over THAT?” and I realized, okay, it’s probably not really a big deal…
I usually just give sympathy for a minute, then say “Are you okay?” at which point my boys realize “I’m okay, mommy,” stop crying, and continue on with their day!
Good point Brittany! WE know they’re okay but they may not. I know I still say ‘it’s okay’ more as a comfort phrase; in this post I was more talking about how we brush their emotions aside as petty when to them it’s still important.