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6 Reasons Motherhood Is Hard

Apr 02, 2020

No doubt about it — motherhood is hard. Raising children is difficult for even the strongest of mothers. Read 6 reasons motherhood is hard for any mom, and different ways you can turn it around.

During my first pregnancy, I kept a green binder for articles I’d print out. The stuff I write about now, like how to instill a love of reading or raise a thankful child. I clipped activities and crafts and read books about brain development and growth stages.

I wasn’t uninformed.

But the day my son entered the world, I didn’t have time to touch that binder. Most of the articles I saved applied at a much later age (how exactly do you raise a thankful newborn?). And I didn’t exactly have time—I was in full survival mode.

After all, so much of our lives change with having a baby. Former hobbies and schedules replaced with a demanding baby. Marriages challenged, jobs compromised, and our happiness tested to the brink.

No wonder they say parenting is one of the most difficult jobs.

Why motherhood is hard

A year later, I found that binder and laughed at myself. I did my best to prepare, only to realize that parenting is a learn-on-the-job role.

This made me wonder what exactly makes motherhood so hard, from balancing work to rediscovering our identities. The result? I learned six key reasons why we find this role so challenging.

Take a look at the most compelling reasons motherhood is hard — and what you can do about it.

Table of Contents

1. Motherhood is sudden

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No other change in a mother’s life comes as suddenly and quickly as welcoming a new baby. Jennifer Senior, author of the stellar book All Joy and No Fun, writes:

…[T]here’s little even the most organized people can do to prepare themselves for having children. They can buy all the books, observe friends and relations, review their own memories of childhood… Prospective parents have no clue what their children will be like; no clue what it will mean to have their hearts permanently annexed; no clue what it will feel like to second-guess so many seemingly simple decisions, or to be multitasking even while they’re brushing their teeth, or to have a ticker tape of concerns forever whipping through their heads. Becoming a parent is one of the most sudden and dramatic changes in adult life.

You don’t gradually transition into motherhood the way you might other roles in your life.

For instance, an intern might dip her toe into a job before deciding to dive in that career. Partners court and flirt before committing to a relationship. Even a daycare teacher or a nanny still won’t understand what it’s like to be a mom until she becomes one.

Granted, we can do much to prepare. We can shadow and care for a newborn for several hours, research and pore through books. But that still doesn’t prepare us for who we’re meeting. Because until the baby is in your arms, you have no idea who this person is or what her needs are.

You’re meeting for the first time, and it’s overwhelming.

So be kind to yourself, mama. Understand that this is the season you’re in and that the transition is often a difficult one. While life is different now, you’ll eventually adjust to your new normal.

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2. Your life revolves around the kids

History buffs can tell you that pre-World War II, children weren’t the focus of their parents. People had kids because it was just what they did as part of their moral and community upbringing.

They also had them by the handful. One reason was because parents saw kids as economic contributors to the family—kids work to keep the family afloat.

This isn’t to say that parents didn’t love their children then as we do now, but their dreams for their kids aren’t the same as ours. They raised them to continue the same family career—a farmer raised his kids to tend to the farm, for instance.

But today, we raise our kids with limitless possibilities. We don’t know what they’ll become, and this unknowing can make it difficult for us:

“What tools do we need to help our kids be the best in whatever they’re supposed to be doing?”
“What if we miss a window of opportunity and they’ll now fall behind compared to their peers?”
“How many classes do we need to sign them up for so they know their potential?”

Another factor? We’re also having fewer kids.

I have three, but compared to my peers, I have a whole troupe, where the norm around me is about one or two kids per family.

With fewer kids, we have more time to devote to each one. These precious one or two kids now become the purpose of our lives—pretty different to the six or eight of generations past.

We feel obligated to entertain them every minute, and shuffle them to enrichment activities that strain our schedules. But we ourselves can’t seem to carve out a measly 30 minutes to work out or pursue a hobby.

Parents should focus and sacrifice for their children—we’ve been doing that for centuries. But we take it to a new level, making our lives more difficult compared to those with no kids.

What to do? Try to balance parenthood with other parts of your life before becoming a mom. Having your own interests apart from the kids will help you rediscover the joys you may have missed.

Learn what to do when you’re not enjoying motherhood like you thought you would.

3. Kids interrupt—a lot

When was the last time you had at least a full hour (or preferably more) of uninterrupted time? If you’ve been spending time with your kids, my guess is… it’s been a while.

Psychologists attribute much of our happiness to the feeling of “flow.” It’s that frame of mind where you are so focused and challenged by a task that time seems to pass. You emerge from that moment feeling refreshed, accomplished, and happy.

But one of the factors necessary for flow is time—uninterrupted time.

So if you’ve got kids, you know they tend to interrupt. Even if they can play independently, that might buy you time to read a few pages of a book or unload the dishwasher. Not exactly the focus-intensive hours to pursue activities that bring you joy and flow.

This can come as a shock to new moms who, throughout all their adulthood, have enjoyed complete autonomy.

With kids, not so much. You spend your time doing a little here and there, squeezing in chores while playing peek-a-boo with the baby. Any project you work on comes with the caveat that you’ll be interrupted any minute.

Parenthood then becomes a juggling, multi-tasking balancing act between being with your kids and doing what you need (or want) to do.

Even if just once in a while, carve time for yourself, especially in long stretches. Ask another adult to spend time with the kids so you can focus on a task or enjoy a much-needed break.

4. Your relationships suffer

Motherhood is hard because of the challenges it brings into your relationships. You may have fought with your spouse before your kids, but if I had to guess, you fight a lot more now that you’re parents. You might argue about kids and childcare more so than money, in-laws, and household tasks.

Different parenting styles or assumed gender roles might also contribute to your arguments. And it doesn’t help that the subject you fight about—children—aren’t the most predictable.

In other words, having kids can be one of the most challenging tests to enter a couple’s life.

The good news? Couples who “survive” parenthood are more likely to remain strong through the rest of their years. By the time your kids leave the house, you will have weathered the storm and can then enjoy a strong relationship with your partner.

Marriages aren’t the only relationships parenthood challenges once we become moms.

We might lose ties with our friends, as well. Where we once enjoyed a busy social life, we now feel isolated. That can be physically (from caring for kids) or emotionally (you now have less in common). Having a social life as a mom can be difficult.

Even having friends with kids of their own doesn’t guarantee the same social life as before. You might get lazy about scheduling that play date, or making the trip across town to visit one another. My husband and I both have friends with children that we still don’t get together with often.

5. You don’t get enough sleep

Sleep deprivation and I don’t go well together. I learned that all too well those first few months after becoming a mom. We can’t prepare for the sleep deprivation of parenthood, that chronic fatigue on top of caring for a baby.

With lack of sleep, we’re hard-pressed to find the slivers of joy in everyday life. We bicker with our partners and make poor choices. We’re not exactly sharp.

My turning point? The moment my kids slept through the night and could put themselves to sleep. I was finally able to catch those solid eight hours of sleep for myself instead of rocking my babies all night. I was better able to enjoy life like I used to, instead of just trying to survive.

6. Kids test you

If only the people we parent were able to function the same way as we do, but of course, that isn’t the case. Kids test boundaries, throw tantrums, and don’t follow directions, among others.

And sometimes they bring out the worst in us. We yell and lose our tempers and blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong. We envy others who don’t deal with kids every day and wonder if we’re even cut out for this parenting business.

Here’s the thing: It’s normal for kids to test their boundaries—this is, after all, how they learn about their world. Instead of getting upset, learn the importance of being there for your child even (perhaps especially) when she tests your patience.

Conclusion

No doubt, motherhood has a lot stacked up against it. For one thing, it happens so suddenly, despite the steps we take to prepare. Our modern lives revolve around the kids and less on ourselves. Kids interrupt often, leaving little chances for long stretches of time to focus.

With more responsibilities, relationships can suffer, whether with our partners or our friendships. The lack of sleep makes it harder to be on our A-game, especially when the kids test their boundaries (and our patience).

Yet, despite the challenges that make motherhood so hard, you also can’t measure the amount of joy we feel with our kids.

You find these moments in the little things throughout the day: The cute way your son mispronounces “hippopotamus,” how your youngest organizes his toy cars by color, or the warm snuggles with the baby.

Maybe it’s the feeling of accomplishment from having taken all the kids out on your own. The pride in seeing your eldest wash the dishes on his own and become more independent and self-sufficient.

We learn so much from being a mom, especially when it’s not always so easy to be one.

And that green binder? It still sits on my shelf, reminding me how eager I was to become a new mom. Because the truth is, we’re good moms, even when motherhood is hard.

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