You probably hear—and say—it all the time: “Good job!” Discover why doing so may not be a good idea and learn different ways to say good job instead.
I’m one of those parents who will say “Good job!” over every little thing, from worthy accomplishments like playing well with his brother to not-so-worthy when I just don’t know what else to say.
It’s understandably why we say “Good job” all the time. We’re proud of our kids and amazed with what they do. We want to promote positive behavior and hope to boost their self esteem and confidence.
But could saying “Good job!” and other similar phrases of praise be bad?
In certain cases, yes.
Why saying good job to kids isn’t good
One of the tough parts of parenthood is that, even with good intentions, we can still be saying the wrong things. I’ve long learned not to say things like “Good boy,” no matter how well meaning.
But “Good job” still—to this day—keeps slipping from my mouth. And for the most part, so long as it’s said lovingly, we’re fine. But apparently there are several reasons to avoid saying it if you can help it, plus what to say instead.
Consider the following reasons why it’s not always good to say good job:
1. Kids can rely too much on our opinion to feel good
We forget that praise, for all its positivity, is still a judgment. It’s normal to say “good job,” but when we say it too often, kids rely on our opinion instead of theirs. They won’t feel excited about finishing a puzzle all on their own. Instead, they’ll turn to us to see if it’s praise-worthy.
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2. Kids lose interest if they stop receiving praise
Giving constant praise is like giving a baby a pacifier. It works, but you’ve got to keep dishing it out to keep the baby quiet. When kids get hooked on praise, they value the praise more than the actual activity they’re doing.
A child won’t paint because the act calms him down or keeps him focused. Instead, he might pick up a paintbrush to get praise from his parents.
Read more about how to help your child focus.
When kids get hooked on praise, they value the praise more than the actual activity
3. We’re making assumptions on how kids should feel
Not all things are “good” to our kids, and saying “Good job” already assumes we know how they should feel. My son and I were playing with a bubble machine when he said, “I popped a bubble.” Right on cue, my first reaction was to say good job.
But what if popping bubbles wasn’t a good thing? What if he felt disappointed because he’d wanted to keep the bubble intact? In saying “good job,” I already assume he wanted to pop bubble when maybe he didn’t.
4. Kids feel less secure
Kids feel less secure about themselves when we evaluate their actions as “good” or “bad.” We want them to feel good about themselves and their actions even if no one was around.
How amazing to catch your child holding a drawing she completed, with pride written all over her face! She knows she derives joy from drawing. We don’t need to say good job to confirm whether her work was good or not.
5. Kids assume the activity is complete
Sometimes our praise signals the end of an activity that wasn’t actually finished yet. Consider the child practicing his writing. You see him hard at work and even catch a few letters and words written on paper. “Good job!” you might tell him. And with that, he assumes that what he just wrote must be good to go. No need to keep at this point.
This is one of those posts I write to myself. Because despite what I know, I still have a habit of saying “good job.”
Different ways to say good job
With so many reasons not to say “Good job,” what should we say instead? Can we still offer praise and support in other ways? Yes—here’s how:
1. Offer descriptive, not evaluative, praise
What’s the difference? Evaluative praise such as “good job,” “I like it!” and “That’s so nice” places judgment on the action. Descriptive praise describes the action. Consider the following descriptive phrases:
“Did you scoop up all your food by yourself?”
“Wow—you’re painting with the orange color.”
“It looks like you’re enjoying your toy.”
“You did it—you slept through the night!”
Descriptive praise still shows support and highlights positive behavior without judging the action. We’re not speaking for our kids but describing what we see.
Read more about how to praise your kids.
2. Ask questions
One of the best ways to keep the conversation going is to ask questions. Ask your daughter how she got all her Lego pieces together to form her latest creation. You’re able to share the moment without telling her what to feel or putting an end to her work.
And the best kinds of questions to ask are open ended ones. Don’t ask, “That’s beautiful! Is that a pirate ship you drew?” Instead ask, “Wow, tell me about your painting!”
Read more about open ended questions for kids.
3. Don’t say anything
Once your kiddo has gotten potty training down, there’s no need to say “good job” every time he runs to the toilet. Certain accomplishments like using the potty will become—and should become—normal tasks. There won’t be a need to congratulate him every time.
4. Save “good job” for when you really mean it
Our kids are going to continue to amaze us, many times when we’re taken aback by what they do. Saying “good job” can still be appropriate and reveal our emotions.
That said, be mindful of when and how often you say “good job” and in what context. You don’t want your child to do something only to turn to you to check of its praise-worthiness. They should learn, play and explore for their own pride and joy.
Get more tips:
- Teaching Resilience and Perseverance: How to Raise Kids with Grit
- Here’s How to Address Your Child’s Failures
- Can Praise Be Harmful and Impede Your Child’s Potential?
- The Real Reasons Your 4 Year Old Won’t Poop on the Potty
- Top 7 Ways to Make Parenting Toddlers Easier
5-Day Parenting Challenge
Looking for actionable steps and quick wins in parenting? The Better Parenting 5-Day Challenge is for parents who know they want to improve but need that little nudge and supportive guidance to do so.
We’ll tackle one actionable tip per day that you can implement right away to drastically transform the way you raise your child… in ways you never imagined. This is your chance to challenge yourself and make the changes you’ve been meaning to make.
Join my newsletter and sign up today—at no cost to you:
Good reminder. I can’t speak highly enough of positive as opposed to negative reinforcement in our experience but its always worth stopping to remind yourself to praise the right thing – the effort, not the result. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
So what about Good job picking your toys up? Your still praising the effort while they are doing it not necessarily when the task is finished. I think though some may think this tool is appropriate when used in context:)
I think everyone’s different, and whatever works for your kid in the end is really the best. For me, I usually describe what’s happening during the process: “Look at you—you’re picking up your toys all by yourself!” or “Wow, seems like you really like painting with watercolors.”
I meant though some may think this tool is old school…it can still be used appropriately in context.
I had read this tip somewhere before and have noticed my little guy is more calm and confident when I am careful to stick to descriptions. “Ooo, you got out the big brushes today,” keeps him painting and happy. Though my mom really enjoys doing artwork with him, she tends to praise his skills and end his involvement. “You’re doing a good job making circles,” or “You’ve cut a nice straight line” seem to almost freeze him up. He’ll usually stop and say, “No, you do it for me.”
I don’t mean this to sound patronizing, but I’ve found the same tip applies to adults as well. My husband gets (understandably) annoyed if I say, “You’ve done such a good job on the dishes!” but not if I say, “Wow, you got all the dishes done!”
I hadn’t thought about this until I saw this great post from Teacher Tom on Pinterest: http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/seven-things-to-say-instead-of-good-job.html
Totally agree with dawnhunter that there’s still a place for it, but we can easily overuse it without realising, so it ends up having no value or sounds patronizing as seventhacreheaven said.
It takes a bit of practice, but if I focus on the fact that I’m modelling a wider range of language to my toddler it’s easier.
I say “Good job,” but I also try to elaborate. Right now we say it a lot in the pool, for example, so I’ll say, “Good job! You were really kicking.” Baguette is at a point where “good job” has a lot of value for her, because it builds her confidence where she might otherwise have a tendency to withdraw.
The elaboration part is what I try to do as much as I can right now too. I really try to share more about what it is that my kiddo is doing that is pretty impressive.
I definitely default to non-descriptive praise even though I know descriptive praise would likely be more effective in the long run. I like your advice to ask questions and, sometimes, to say nothing. (That advice would help in a lot of social situations too.) Like so many things in parenting, I have the best intentions, but I often take the quick and easy road, which, in this case, is made that much easier by the fact that I love my kids and generally do think everything they do is great. But, yes, everything in moderation, especially because everyone else in the world will likely not be quite as impressed by my two-year-old’s water paintings . 🙂
Good point Kristen about over-saturating our kids with praise whereas the real world probably won’t be so kind (or in love with every cute thing they’re doing!).
And yes it’s so true that sometimes we just have to say nothing. I read that one of the best ways to be a great listener (even with adults) is to force yourself not to say anything. Usually when we’re having a conversation, we already have a comment lined up and we’re just waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can say it. Or worse, we interrupt them. Talk about “listening” haha.
Never would have thought of this. But it makes sense. Thanks for sharing it. I’ll take a closer look at what I say to my kids now.
Betsy, it *does* make you take a closer look, doesn’t it? I find myself saying it a lot, and sometimes it’s perfectly normal like when the emotion is genuine, but other times I just say it distractedly because I default to that phrase for every little thing. So now if I have to say something, I try to just repeat what they’re saying or describe what they’re doing.