Your child is social and wants to make friends… but other kids aren’t interested. Here’s how to help your child rejected by peers.
I was sitting at the park bench watching a little girl run around in the playground. She found two girls hunched over buckets, shovels and heaps of sand. She skipped to them, ready to join.
But instead of welcoming her into their play, they ignored her and even told her to go away.
So she left, and before long she found another child to talk to. But even this boy showed no signs of interest and preferred to play alone.
The little girl returned to her mom, confused and a bit dejected.
“Why won’t anyone play with me?”
How can parents help kids like this girl—a vibrant, cheerful and social little girl—handle peer rejection?
My son has reported a few times when other kids didn’t want to play with him. Another time, a girl asked to play with a group of friends only for the group to flat out exclude her.
How to help a child rejected by peers
Helping a child rejected by peers is real, and the experience can be painful for her. How can we help kids understand and better deal with it?
1. Don’t overreact or jump in
Do you catch yourself wanting to step in the instant your child gets rejected? Before you do, decide whether doing so would do more harm than good.
Many kids aren’t as aware about peer rejection as you and I are. It’s just not a big deal to them as it can be for us. Many times, kids are able to move on without feeling offended.
But when we step in too quickly or too often, they might wonder whether something is wrong with them. “Why is mom making such a big deal about this? They just didn’t want to play with me, that’s all.”
Watching our kids get rejected is heartbreaking. No one wants to see their child try to make friends only for others to turn them away. But to our kids, these situations may not be such a big deal. Only when we step in are they made more aware of it.
1. Show empathy
When kids confide in us, they’re trying to make sense of the emotions they feel. They turn to us hoping to define what just happened.
Show empathy with your child. This doesn’t mean challenging his story or being the devil’s advocate. And don’t lecture him on what went wrong (at least not right away).
Simply describe what he must be feeling into words he can understand: “It looks like you felt pretty bad when they didn’t want to play with you.” Acknowledge that his feelings as real.
As frustrating as your child’s behavior may be, a lot of it can be prevented simply by seeing things from her perspective. In my PDF, The Power of Empathy, you’ll learn how empathy is truly the secret key that makes a huge difference in how we interact with our kids.
Imagine transforming your relationship with your child, using just the lessons you’ll learn right here. Join my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you. Trust me, you won’t want to pass this up:
3. Encourage your child to show empathy
Kids can be so blunt, especially since they haven’t fine-tuned their social skills as well as adults have. So when a child wants to be alone or is wary of strangers, he may not have the social skills to be polite, smile and turn away. He won’t create an excuse or even hint that your child isn’t welcomed.
No—they say frank things like, “Go away,” or “Don’t talk to me.” I once saw these two brothers at the playground ask another boy who approached them, “Who are you?!”
That said, remind your child of a time when she wanted to play alone. “Remember how you were working on your blocks and you didn’t want your cousin to join? Sometimes we just want to play by ourselves or don’t want to talk to other people.”
Help her understand that she herself might have been in those other kids’ shoes. A child rejected by peers won’t feel so terrible when she realizes she can relate as well.
Get more tips about teaching your child empathy.
4. Be matter-of-fact
Sometimes the best we can do is to state the fact and move on. “He just didn’t want to play.” Rather than dwell on the subject, encourage your child to move on. She can find someone else to play with, or something else to do.
Empathize and acknowledge his feelings, then encourage your child to forge ahead. Analyzing the situation too much or making a big deal can make him feel like there’s more to this than he knows.
5. Observe your child playing with others
Every child is different. Observe your child and decide which situations are conducive for her. Observe her difficulties. Does she do better with big groups or small groups? How does she approach other kids? How can you help her better make friends?
Based on those questions and answers…
6. Give your child social tools and tips
It’s happening again and again. Your child goes the playground, approaches several kids, only to be rejected. Whether he’s hurt or unfazed, you know there’s a better way he could approach other kids.
Help your child better tackle playground etiquette with these tips:
- Remind your child to approach kids gently. Social kids are so friendly they forget or don’t realize that they can appear aggressive. People—even kids—appreciate personal space. They like gentle approaches. Remind your child that people need time and space to make friends.
- Encourage parallel play. Many young kids still practice parallel play. They play side-by-side doing the same thing instead of back-and-forth play. Two kids would be shoveling their own buckets, instead of together in one bucket. Your child may be eager for more back-and-forth play. But let her know it’s also okay to play the same activities sitting near them.
- Help your child recognize bullying behavior. Kids can be oblivious to bullying behavior. Or they might crave attention or company so much they’ll put up with mean kids. Don’t let that happen. If you see other kids being mean on purpose, encourage your child to find other friends or things to play with. I saw a group of kids tell a boy he could “play” with them, but all they did was run away from him whenever he showed up. It was heartbreaking to watch.
- Help your child recognize “stop” signals. Sometimes kids do give signals—and a child just didn’t notice them. They’re left with no choice but to blatantly tell the child, “Go away” or “I don’t want to play with you.” Teach your child those signals. Maybe the other kid looks or walks away. Maybe the kid doesn’t want to play what your child proposed. Or maybe your child can ask the other kids what they would like to do.
7. Create conducive environments
Play dates are popular for the controlled environment they offer. These kids are less of strangers than those they might meet at the park. They’re cousins, your friends’ kids, or even kids from a mom group.
Surround your child with kids younger than her age as well. Older kids tend to reject younger kids. Introducing her to younger kids can boost her confidence. Younger kids are more likely to look up to her and want to play.
8. Help build your child’s confidence
Is your child inviting peer rejection?
An empowering skill to teach kids is resilience, or the ability to cope even with challenges. Help your child find ways to cope on her own without relying on you to solve her problems. Guide her through her feelings, but help her come up with ideas: “What can you do to make yourself feel better?” or “What can you do different next time?”
By creating her own solutions, she’ll see herself as someone who can get through a difficult situation. She’s strong. She doesn’t need to tolerate mean kids. She can do something about it. She’s empowered.
Get tips on how to encourage the characteristics of a resilient child.
Conclusion
Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links, which means I will earn a commission—at no extra cost to you—if you make a purchase.
No one wants to see their child get rejected, especially when she’s trying so much to be a good friend to others. We can’t—nor should—save them from heartache, but we can help them cope with rejection.
Show empathy for her feelings and teach empathy by asking her to imagine what other kids feel. Don’t always jump in or overreact since kids tend to move on quickly. Give her tools to handle peer rejection in childhood (looking for hints, for instance). And create conducive environment through play dates with family, friends or mommy groups.
As parents, we feel so helpless witnessing our kids experience rejection of any kind. But we’re not helpless. Use these tips to better prepare your child to play with others, even if they don’t always want to play with her.
p.s. Check out Elmore by Holly Hobbie, a wonderful book about helping your child make friends:
Featured reader question
“I’m curious as to your thoughts on this scenario when your child wants to play with others but is purposely and repeatedly excluded through no fault of their own?
My child has encountered this continually at a small-town school and I don’t know what to do to solve the problem and ensure she feels supported and part of her peer group without adult intervention.”
Have you tried reaching out to parents of the kids? I would try to touch base with one of the other parents to set up a hang out. It’s still adult intervention, but kids tend to let their guard down when they’re not in a massive group.
I would also continue to help build your child’s confidence regardless of other kids not wanting to play with her. And continue to build your own strong relationship with her, so that it’s not all about peers and classmates, either.
Get more tips:
- 5 Easy Tips for Kids to Learn Empathy
- 23 Children’s Books about Being a Good Friend
- 6 Mistakes Parents Make When Socializing Your Child
- 9 Playground Rules You and Your Kids Should Remember
- 7 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Share
As frustrating as your child’s behavior may be, a lot of it can be prevented simply by seeing things from her perspective. In my PDF, The Power of Empathy, you’ll learn how empathy is truly the secret key that makes a huge difference in how we interact with our kids.
Imagine transforming your relationship with your child, using just the lessons you’ll learn right here. Join my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you. Trust me, you won’t want to pass this up:
maryanne @ mama smiles says
June 20, 2014 at 8:40 amGreat tips! Sometimes kids are really shy or they have social delays, and I think that their reactions to peers can unintentionally come across as rejection. I was so grateful this past year when my son (who does have social delays, although he is catching up) had classmates who would ask him to play over and over. Some of the time he would ignore him, but they kept asking, and over time he started to say yes more frequently. The kindness and patience of his peers in that particular class made a BIG difference!
Nina says
June 20, 2014 at 8:52 pmWhat a great story MaryAnne. So glad that the kids’ persistence paid off and offered your son the friendships he might have passed had they not “bugged” him more 😉
lisacng @ expandng.com says
June 20, 2014 at 1:37 pmDefinitely like your advice not to make a big deal out of it (or else your kids will) and also to focus on teaching the longer-lasting lesson of resilience and self-confidence, rather than immediate (though possibly short-lived) acceptance. My son has been “turned down” at the playground before and thankfully I didn’t make a big deal about it, though it breaks my heart. I’ll be sure keep your lessons in mind as he gets older and faces more rejection.
Nina says
June 20, 2014 at 8:54 pmAbsolutely Lisa. There’s something about helping our kids by building their confidence. And not in a shallow, “I’m the best” way either, but rather by helping them believe they can get through challenging times.
Jenny says
June 20, 2014 at 6:34 pmOn e my son told me that he was playing hide and go seek and all the other kids forgot to find him. It broke my heart. He kept telling me that he wasn’t important enough to be found. I told him that the kids didn’t dislike him, they just got wrapped up in the game and that it was okay to feel sad. Thankfully an Arthur show came on the bedtime day with a similar situation. That made everything better.
Nina says
June 20, 2014 at 8:57 pmAw poor kiddo. I think even adults can relate to that feeling (of not being ‘invited,’ or being forgotten). That’s good to hear you were able to reassure him of what actually happened!
Lizzie Lau says
June 20, 2014 at 11:45 pmI needed this right now. My daughter just started preschool, I enrolled her for part of the summer so she would have a priority enrollment for Sept. So the kids there already had established friendships. My girl is really social and outgoing. She’s better at introducing herself than I am. So, in the first few weeks when she reported hurt feelings I felt ill. I was so worried that being excluded would shatter her confidence. We’ve had talks about it and your post reinforces my intuition on how I’ve been handling it so far. One thing that didn’t occur to me was the idea that because my daughter is outgoing, and the fact that she is really tall for her age, her approach may need to be toned down, so she doesn’t appear aggressive.
Nina says
June 21, 2014 at 8:35 pmMy son had the same situation as well. He came in to school mid-year (along with a few others) so he had to face new kids who had already established friendships.
You’re right, your daughter being so tall and outgoing she probably seems like an older kid compared to the others.
Katie @ Pick Any Two says
June 21, 2014 at 4:19 amThis post is full of useful information, as always. I especially like your point about not overreacting. I can definitely see myself having that “mama bear” reaction if I see my son get hurt or rejected in some way, but automatically jumping in really isn’t a helpful response. The experience might not even bother him, like you say, and if it does, my job is to give him the tools to handle it rather than fix it for him.
Nina says
June 21, 2014 at 8:44 pmThanks Katie 🙂
Haha yes these kinds of situations have definitely brought on the “mama bear” in us. I remember a few times when I would step in and fight his struggles for him. I like what you said about giving them tools instead of resolving the issues for them.
Rebecca says
June 21, 2014 at 3:45 pmWatching your kid get rejected must be tough. I suppose it’s bound to happen but waaah! Can’t kids all just play nicely and openly? No way. I can only imagine some parent approaching the rejecting children and propose to let little Susan play with them and wow- what a nightmare. I definitely like your don’t make it a big deal advice, and don’t even react if they aren’t reacting. That’s basically the same thing I do when Dylan falls down lol
Nina says
June 21, 2014 at 8:57 pmHaha yes I remember my eldest was barely seven months old when a slightly older girl had picked on him at the library, grabbing everything out of his hand. That was my first experience with “mean kids” (she wasn’t really being mean, just a regular toddler) and oh man I totally wanted to protect him from all that stuff.
Rachael (Mushroomsmum) says
June 22, 2014 at 12:53 pmGreat advice as usual Nina. Mushroom has had a few experiences… The first that springs to mind is when he approached a group of older boys to play and they ran off screaming “He’s a monster!” but he still kept running around after them, laughing at the ‘game’ as they laughed at him. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so pretended I needed to find the toilets and hoped they would go away. They didn’t but thankfully another child starting playing with him and he forgot about them. As he’s quite tall for his age sometimes he gets away with playing with older kids who then reject him when he acts his own age. The look on his face is heartbreaking. I also once saw a mum warn her kid off Mushroom (they had been playing nicely together) but to this day I’ve no idea why. I wanted to ask what her problem was but that would have drawn attention to what happened so didn’t… It’s hard to see them get hurt, isn’t it? Hard but necessary… and I know it’s going to get harder! We talk at the end of every day and anything bothering him comes out then but there’s been nothing too upsetting so far… For him! I’ve cried for him before though – I’m possibly a bit too sensitive (although that does help with some things)!
Nina says
June 22, 2014 at 9:31 pmOh man Rachael, sorry to hear about that mom warning her kid from your own. What the heck? I agree that it’s probably better you didn’t say anything, at least in front of your son’s face. And that’s great that the other kid came to rescue when the older ones weren’t exactly being kind.
That’s awesome you guys have a nightly ritual of talking about the day. What a beautiful tradition! But yes I hear you—it’s so hard when our kids are hurt by their peers. I’m making it a point to always listen to him and take his “drama” seriously. Sometimes all our kids need is a listening ear and our guidance.
Ainsley says
November 9, 2015 at 7:06 pmI’m curious as to your thoughts on this scenario when your child wants to play with others but is purposely and repeatedly excluded through no fault of their own? My child has encountered this continually at a small-town school and I don’t know what to do to solve the problem and ensure she feels supported and part of her peer group without adult intervention. (We have tried this, by the way, but the middle-school cliques are well formed and kids just aren’t as welcoming as they used to be).
Nina says
November 9, 2015 at 10:19 pmHi Ainsley, my kids aren’t in the middle school age yet but I can only imagine (and can even remember!) just how clique-y that stage can get. Have you tried reaching out to parents of the kids? I would try to touch base with one of the other parents to set up a hang out. I know it’s still adult intervention, but kids tend to let their guard down when they’re not in a massive group.
I would also continue to help build your child’s confidence regardless of other kids not wanting to play with her. And continue to build your own strong relationship with her, so that it’s not all about peers and classmates, either.
Rita says
September 8, 2017 at 5:53 amThanks for tips, Nina!
My 5-yo son is now going through an unpleasant experience of being rejected by the group. He has some unsolvable health issues since babyhood, what affected his growth, menu, possibility to do sports…
This week he went into a group of children, who know each-other for years. And for my boy it’s the first experience of being among other kids without relatives. Should mention, that the boy is very active (though he is in constant pains), very communicative, naive, opened, looking for attention and always ready to play. He doesn’t understand bad behavior towards himself, doesn’t understand, why others come and hit him, reject him from playing at the playing ground at school. They play with him in the class, when the teacher is watching them, and reject at the ground, when there’s no teacher.
As long, as my boy was from the ever beginning scratched, kicked and hit in belly (what is dangerous for him), I had to talk another time to the teacher and principle about his state of health and danger of getting belly punches. I asked not to let kids hit each-other, not to tell anybody about my boy’s condition, and, if they ask why he eats different food- to say, that he simply has an allergy. My heart broke, when I saw children from other groups a bit sarcastically saying hello and naming him, while he doesn’t know any of them. Appeared to be, that the teacher told to all kids, that they may not hit him in belly not to make it worse ( like in general it’s normal to be hitting each-other…) So, teacher stigmatized my boy despite me asking them not to make an outcast of him.
Now my sick small opened and playful boy is standing at the playing ground, watching other kids playing. And still gets hurt by some children from other groups. But still doesn’t cry, he never does. OMG, am I speaking now about kids of 5 and younger???
All my talks with school staff didn’t help the situation- nobody neither did pedagogic work to introduce him correctly to the group, nor kept him safe from stigmatization.
Maybe U can help me with solving this problem, I can think off nothing? My son is intellectually absolutely safe, physically- visually still also. He needs communication, suffers from being rejected and very insulted with the teacher telling everybody about his problems. Probably, there’s no possibility to go to this school anymore, but I want to prevent the same situation occurring in the next school.
Never felt so bad and helpless
Nina Garcia says
September 8, 2017 at 8:05 pmRita I’m so sorry to hear this! It’s absolutely heart breaking to hear your son being bullied in school, plus the teacher’s indifference or downplaying the situation.
I would continue to keep talking and bringing it up, not just to the teacher but going up the chain of command: the principal, the guidance counselor, school social worker, superintendent, school board or even the local police if you fear for your child’s safety. Talk to other parents to see what you can do.
Then, I would record everything that has happened. All the dates, the situation, the consequences, etc. That way you have facts on your side.
No child should ever feel ostracized for going to school, for any reason. I’m hoping that all works out well, that you reach compassionate and level-headed people who will take action and advocate for your son.
Nick says
February 2, 2018 at 7:56 pmMy daughter is 6 years old. At her school there are 5 girls and 24 boys in her class. For a while there have been instances of social exclusion of my daughter but she dealt with it – happy with her own company. But over the Christmas break the girls were having sleep overs at each other’s houses and nobody invited my daughter. Despite inviting each girl to play at our house, we received no return invites. When the new term started, the girls had formed a gang that excluded my daughter. No name calling, no violence, just completely blanking her. When my daughter approaches them full of beans wanting to play and talk, they literally turn their backs on her.
For a while she followed them around pretending that she was part of their game but they blanked her. The girls started seeing the school psychologist where they discuss the importance of inclusion and playing together. Great for the girls in the gang. For a while, when my daughter asked to play they replied, ‘yes’ but then refuse to tell her the rules of the game or what they are playing.
My daughter has gone from a very bright and enthusiastic girl to someone who is blaming herself for this behaviour. She cries herself to sleep every night but each day, she tries harder to be liked. Tries her best to be happy, tries her best to compliment the girls even though they turn their backs on her when she talks. Recently, they started playing hide and seek… they start the game as a group and the teachers observing think that all is fine and that my daughter is being included. Only she isn’t. For a while, she thought it was great. At last, a break through. But what is actually happening, is that they start the game. My daughter hides, they seek each other out, but don’t seek my daughter out but instead go off and play another game. Yesterday, my daughter finally twigged what was going on… and the tears started again.
To compound it all… one of the parents was complaining to me that her daughter came home from school saying she was a bad person and a bad friend. The parent was going to have words with the school about what they are doing in their psychology groups. In order to make her daughter feel happy again she decided to have a pizza party and invited all the girls except my daughter. If it was a matter of cost, I would’ve paid for the pizza myself. But now, I don’t know if I am to blame the girls or to blame the parents. My daughter is absolutely devastated. She started self harming at the age of 6!!!! And it is now 3.33am in the UK and she has woken 4x now screaming. It is absolutely heartbreaking.
We are on the verge of moving her schools but I feel like we are being herded out of the school and there will only be 2 years before they are back together again at Middle School. I am seriously biting my tongue because I don’t want to make matters worse for my daughter but my patience is rapidly coming to its end. I don’t think things can get any worse. When your 6 year old daughter comes home from school happy because some boys spent break time kicking her and stamping on her coat… because at least that was better than being ignored and the school does absolutely nothing to punish the boys because they’re the star pupils and they don’t want to upset their parents. When we go to talk to the school they are trying to manage us and not manage the situation with my daughter. I am trying to do everything right and by the book but it just is not working. She is getting worse. 6 year old girls shouldn’t be self harming because they don’t want to go to school and face being ignored. Help!
Nina Garcia says
February 3, 2018 at 8:30 pmOh, Nick—I can’t even imagine how horrible this must be for you and your family, especially your little girl. I’m especially appalled that the school isn’t doing more to turn things around, or even diving deeper (aka assuming all is fine if they’re “playing” hide and seek). From what I’ve heard, it’s best to continue to talk and talk and talk, going higher up the school ranks, until someone listens. This is not something to be brushed aside or assume that you are the issue.
As far as what to tell your daughter, I would also focus on how amazing she is, how she shouldn’t seek others who don’t treat her well, and instead be comfortable being the awesome person that she is blessing the world for being. She truly doesn’t need the approval of anyone, least of all other children who don’t respect her.
I hope that you find a solution for your little girl.
Tina says
February 3, 2018 at 10:11 pmThanks for this article, Nina. My son is 8 years old and has literally grown up with the kids in our building, almost same age and have played with each other since they were toddlers. In recent past, I had to speak to one of his friends’ mom because he was hitting my son in his stomach and trying to bully him. The bullying stopped but his mother told her kids not to be friends with my son and to not play with him. There is a girl in the group, older than others who is very dominating and shrewd. She is reaching adolescence so her bullying has kind of increased and my son stands up against bullying. Just a few days after I had spoken to this boy’s mom, my husband had to intervene between these kids because this girl was instigating others to not play with him and he came crying upstairs. Both the incidents happened within two weeks and now has left my son getting rejected by everyone. He is shocked, I don’t know if our getting involved was right or wrong, but at that moment it seemed to have been the only option. He tried couple of days going to them and playing with them but they are indifferent. We have decided to engage him in other activities and try to divert his attention from these kids but it’s not easy since he can hear them playing downstairs in the evening which is very disturbing for him. Don’t know how long this will continue but it’s certainly draining us emotionally. Personally I wouldn’t want my kid to play with children whose parents are poisoning their minds and where the kids have started ignoring him. But when I look at my son, my heart aches because these are the same children who he has known ever since he was 1.
Nina Garcia says
February 4, 2018 at 9:02 pmOh Tina, I’m so sorry you’re going through this! It’s such a shame that the other children and their parents can unravel several years’ worth of friendship. I can’t believe that one incident would make them turn their backs. I wonder if there’s a way you can do a play date with one child that your son is closest to, to break apart the group settings a little bit, and hopefully this whole thing can blow over. I think it’s also a good idea like you said to introduce him to new activities and friends, so that he doesn’t tie his identity or worth to the neighborhood kids. It’s especially hard because they’re neighbors, not exactly easy to ignore. My heart goes out to you, and I hope that they can rekindle their friendship once again.
Canadianllamagirl says
October 18, 2018 at 4:48 pmI’m concerned for my daughter and wonders if you have a related post to dealing with a reoccurring situation of peer rejection? We gave a small girl who is from a different culture that we are family friends with. She continually says she wont play with my daughter, tells her she is weird, and runs away from her when other friends are visiting. My daughter is very social and loves to play. I have seen this little girl also refuse to say with anyone and hide. I know she isn’t happy. I’ve tried explaining to my daughter that the other girls heart is not happy. That she can just continue to try make friends but it has happened now so much I’m considering not visiting this family any more. Do you have any suggestions?
Nina Garcia says
October 19, 2018 at 10:05 amHi there, I’m so sorry your daughter has to go through this. Have you spoken to the other child’s parents about your concerns? I would continue to bolster your daughter and remind her that this other girl’s comments have more to do with the other girl than anything at all with your daughter. Still, if it’s too painful for her, I wouldn’t push them to play together, and encourage her to find other children to be friends with.
Cave says
April 20, 2019 at 8:52 amIt happened in school a lot especially in kindergarten. I tried to socialize with them but they were antisocial. I kept trying my best but after a while I just gave up. Teacher would always wonder why this was happening so they blamed for it. Parents werent ever to happy when a teacher said it was my fault. It was actually the other way around they were avoiding me. They even made comments on my report card about how I was avoiding them. Besides, its mostly a place for learning, not socializing. I guess the kids parents told them not to talk to strangers. Anyways, its like what the big deal with socializing? People need their space too.
That’s why I probably won’t have kids because they too will be excluded just like me.