If you don’t have kids or are about to have your first, you may have said these funny comments. Check out these 14 funny things people without kids say!
I was that person who never understood life with kids.
Not that I never wanted them—I’ve always been open to having a family myself. But when I look back on how I viewed children, I realized how clueless I was about so many things.
For one thing, I figured babies could simply sleep all day long. After all, most of the times I’ve seen babies, they were asleep in someone’s arms. And not until did I become a mom did I truly appreciate how much sleep I had without a baby to care for.
I was clueless about kids and too scared to hold a newborn. I’m even the youngest, for crying out loud. I had many misconceptions about parenting… until I became one.
Funny things people without kids say
Now I’m the one chuckling at some of the same funny things people without kids say. These are things I’ve said before I had kids, plus a few more I’ve heard now that I’m a mom.
Every time I hear one of these thrown around, I don’t hold it against the person—I just figure they were me back in the day. And so I laugh about it and smile inside at how different parenthood can be from people’s perceptions of it.
Check out a few comments I’ve heard—or even said myself:
1. “I’m so tired. I had to wake up at 5:30 this morning.”
At my first job, I lived a mere five minutes away, which meant an “early” wake up time was around 8am. 8:15 if I was pushing it. So anything earlier than that, like 5:30 in the morning, was just way too early for me.
Now, I can’t remember the last time I slept past 8am. Heck, make that 6:30am. On most days, I’m up at 6am at the latest, just so I can wake up earlier than the kids.
2. “I don’t have time.”
I seriously don’t know what I did after those hours after work and bedtime. Because now as a mom, I would kill to have the hours of 5:30pm and bedtime all to myself. To think I had no time back then makes me laugh.
3. “I need to call in sick. I only got four hours of sleep last night.”
If only every mom could call in sick when she only gets four hours of sleep. Without kids, those nights of getting anything less than the full eight hours are rare enough to feel tired and call in sick. With kids, it’s best to expect to be tired.
4. “10am is too early.”
At a family lunch one time, my nephew in his early 20s groaned when we were all discussing when to meet up for another event. Apparently 10am is too early.
And for him, it was. We went on a family trip all together one time when, in stark comparison to my own wake up time, he remained asleep past 12:30 in the afternoon.
While I didn’t sleep in that late in the 20s, I did sleep in til the late mornings on weekends. That’s what they’re for, right? Nowadays, we’d already woken up, gone to the park, snacked, and are ready for our next outing by 10am.
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5. “We’re going to take our baby to music festivals, dinner parties, restaurants.”
I admire parents who can take their babies everywhere, from restaurants to trips to Italy. The most I got to do was taking my newborn twins to a restaurant, when they were at that perfect age of sleeping in their car seats.
Otherwise, taking my kids to events usually means consulting when it starts and whether to go before or after nap time. Events also means making sure we pack a tote bag with snacks and sippy cups in case the places don’t have kid-friendly food and drinks.
6. “My child will never watch TV.”
So, I actually did keep my kids from watching television, all the way til they were two-years-old. It helped that we had no cable hooked up, and only in the last few years were able to watch television through the internet. Otherwise, we were pretty clueless about the latest characters on TV.
But just as staunchly as I swore to myself my kids wouldn’t watch TV, it has now become a daily mainstay in our household. At 6:15pm sharp, the kids sit on the couch and watch one show every day.
I figure we’re still doing all right at 30 minutes a day, but tell that to myself before I had kids and I would’ve been so disappointed in myself.
7. “When I have kids, I’m still going to exercise and do my makeup.”
As admirable as it is for people with no kids to vow maintaining their health and appearances, exercise and makeup are often the first to go, especially during those early months.
With a newborn at home, I felt “dressed up” if I had on a decent tank top and presentable yoga pants. Otherwise, I usually had on my stained sweatshirt and a random pair of pants I pulled sleep-deprived from my drawer.
Once I went back to work, makeup became more of a necessity for me, but even then, I only did the bare minimum. And exercise? You really need to schedule it in your calendar as if it were a meeting at work to make it happen.
8. “Having a kid is no excuse for a messy house. You can still clean while they sleep or just sit there.”
I love how I used to think babies just sit there. I thought I’d have so much time, not just to maintain my home, but with every task I needed to do.
Before kids, my husband and I diligently kept a chore list that included weekly tasks, from vacuuming to wiping windows. Now, our carpets are noticeably darker and less like new.
9. “Can’t you just tell your baby to go back to sleep?”
I want to tell this to every mom who is up eight times a night rocking a baby to sleep. If only it were that easy!
10. “My kids are not going to walk around with runny noses.”
I admit, until now I’m kind of grossed out when I see kids with snot running down their noses, or dried up boogers still not wiped. Extra points if they pick their noses—with their fingers digging in there.
It’s gross, but somehow not so gross when it’s your own kids. One of my kids has become the snotty one, the one I’m sure other parents see and remind themselves to sanitize their children’s hands afterward.
11. “I don’t think I’ll take a maternity leave.”
I’ve been hearing this around the news and can’t imagine any regular mom making that kind of statement. Sure, don’t take a maternity leave if you can outsource everything to someone else and your body somehow miraculously heals overnight.
Otherwise, we don’t have enough time after child birth as it is—let’s not get too ambitious thinking we don’t need it.
12. “I need to have a baby so I can go on maternity leave and get a three-month vacation.”
A few months shy of going on maternity leave, a friend of mine couldn’t wait to give birth… so that she could have a “vacation.”
I get it. Many people don’t like their work, and even if they did, how many chances in our lifetimes do we ever get to take months and months off from work? Compared to a two-week vacation typical of many workplaces, maternity leave seems like a dream.
Except maternity leave is the furthest thing from a vacation. We’re not talking weeks off to snuggle and relax with the baby and still wake up feeling refreshed and alert.
13. “I’m going to freelance while I’m on maternity leave.”
I didn’t know my plans after giving birth would be. I knew I needed money, but I also wanted to be home with my baby. And with graphic design lending itself to working from home, I seriously considered freelancing while on maternity leave, just to test the waters.
Well… those freelance plans went out the door the minute we came home from the hospital. I didn’t even have the time to think about freelancing, much less actually getting clients.
If I thought freelancing while working would be difficult to manage because “I’d have no time,” doing so during maternity leave was, I later learned, laughable.
14. “I’ll use maternity leave as my chance to finish that baby blanket I was knitting.”
My friend and I were laughing about our assumptions of maternity leave. She figured she could knit her baby’s blanket, you know, to pass the time since she’d have nothing to do.
Create handmade baby announcements? No problem! Fill out the baby book? Plenty of time to do that.
Seven years later, that baby book is still half done, and while I managed to create the baby announcements, it was only in between the pockets of time I could find.
I laugh thinking back to all my misconceptions about parenthood, as well as those others have said, especially as I compare them to reality.
Being a mom or dad is one of those few roles you really can’t prepare for unless you actually experience it. It’s easy to assume babies just sit there, or that maternity leave is like a vacation when, to an outsider’s point of view, it can seem true.
But as any parent knows, babies hardly just sit there, especially during maternity leave, no matter how much you want to fill the baby book or vacuum the months-old dust from your carpet.
Read more articles about parenthood:
- How to Respond when Others Criticize Your Parenting
- What to Do when Grandparents Try to Parent Your Kids
- These Are the Things Your Kids Will Remember About You
- What I Wish People Told Me About Being a New Mom
- 4 Things You Shouldn’t Say about Other People’s Children
Tell me in the comments: What are some funny things people without kids say to you? What do you think are a few things people without kids don’t understand about parenthood?