What to Do When Your Child Is Scared of Restrooms

Handling kids’ fear of using public restrooms can be stressful. Discover 7 ways to ease the anxiety when your child is scared of restrooms.

“No!” my three-year-old shrieked as I tried to get him to use the restroom at a bowling alley.

We had been enjoying ourselves at my niece’s birthday party when he said he had to pee. Except I couldn’t even convince him to enter the restroom, much less sit and use the potty.

I couldn’t blame him. The echoes of the restroom, people he didn’t know, auto flushing toilets, and loud hand dryers didn’t make the restroom all that inviting.

Still, he’d been doing so well with potty training. Now that he was out of diapers, using public restrooms was our only option during outings. He would even refuse to use other people’s bathrooms in their own homes.

The result? We either had to rush home in time to use our bathroom, or clean up a messy accident.

Just when you thought you were finally done with diapers, having a child scared of public restrooms presents its own challenges.

Your outings are cut short, you can’t exactly carry him into a stall, and your patience is quickly depleted. You’re even pining for the days when he was still in diapers, if only so that he can pee and poop whenever he wanted.

Many exasperated parents have wondered when—and how—their toddlers will overcome the fear of using public restrooms.

While I knew he’d outgrow this phase, I needed to learn how to help him along while being empathetic to his feelings. Through trial and error (and plenty of accidents), I found seven tips that help when your child is scared of restrooms:

Table of Contents

1. Start with child-friendly public restrooms

Disgusting toilets, startling loud flushes, unfamiliar urinals, crowds of people… Some restrooms are made for disaster. Try instead to use restrooms that your child might have an easier time to use.

When I was pregnant with twins, I made many trips to the doctor’s office. They happened to have single-room restrooms that looked like someone’s home bathroom. My three-year-old saw the room and agreed to use the toilet seat, likely because it felt less intimidating and more comfortable.

Restrooms without auto-flush features or hand dryers are your best bet. Both of these emit loud and startling noises that might scare your child. If need be, earmuffs or headphones that muffle out these sounds.

And single-room restrooms are also ideal because they feel like a familiar place, and also offer more privacy.

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2. Don’t dismiss your child’s emotions

Your child’s emotions are real to her, no matter how silly or incomprehensible they may seem to you.

While you and I have had plenty of experience and knowledge over the years, our little ones do not. A public restroom that looks nothing like the one you have at home could scare a child who has never used one.

When she starts feeling scared, follow these tips:

Remind yourself that this isn’t about you. Don’t take her fear of public restrooms personal. She isn’t objecting to defy, disobey, or make your day worse. This is about her emotions. You’re disappointed, yes, but focus on helping her overcome her fears and anxieties.
Discuss her emotions. Using words and labels to discuss feelings helps her identify the real and strong emotions she has. When she’s ready and calm, talk to her about the potential feelings she may have felt. Was she scared, afraid, not sure, surprised, or caught off-guard? She’ll learn that these feelings aren’t unusual and that names exist for them.
Show empathy. When you’ve been using public restrooms for decades, you forget how scary it can be from a toddler’s view. Instead, place yourself in her shoes and empathize with what she may be feeling. “I don’t like public restrooms, either. They can be loud, lots of people are around, and sometimes they’re even smelly and dirty!” When she sees that you’re on her side, she’ll see you as a partner who’s here to help.
Respect her feelings. Don’t brush her emotions aside as petty or inconsequential. Instead, reassure her that her fears are real, just like an adult’s fears of public speaking or heights. And don’t push her to “get over it,” or feel upset or impatient when she doesn’t seem to budge. This world can be daunting, and the last thing she needs is a parent who’s upset at her because she’s afraid.

3. Continue suggesting public restrooms

Your child may feel scared to use public restrooms, but don’t let that stop you from offering to use it or even walking by it the next time you see one. Avoiding restrooms only confirms his fears that these places aren’t safe or pleasant.

Instead, give him opportunities to overcome these fears. This doesn’t mean pushing him to use restrooms all the time or even expecting that he’ll get over it soon, but offer it as an option the next time you go. In doing so, you’re reassuring him that it’s a safe place.

And use public restrooms to wash hands, not only to use the toilet. Let’s say you’re at a coffee shop. Head to the restroom to wash your hands before eating. That way, he can get used to the environment without the pressure of peeing or pooping.

4. Explain the consequences without adding blame

Let’s say you’re with your child at the park and she says she wants to use the potty at home instead. Explain that that means you have to cut her playtime at the park short.

Let her know that one of the benefits of using public restrooms is that she doesn’t have to stop playing or leave a place. Restrooms are there so she can pee or poop and come right back to play.

At the same time, don’t blame her for leaving. Say it’s her choice to leave, but that other options—like public restrooms—can help.

Learn how to give consequences for kids.

5. Take your pre-potty training child to public restrooms

One of my regrets about public restrooms is that I hardly took my son with me to use them. Sure, that’s where we’d go whenever he needed a diaper change, but I wish I had taken him when I needed to use it.

When you bring your child to public bathrooms with you, you can show him the different features in a positive way. Things like pulling hand towels, or sinks with faucets and soap dispensers that turn on with a sensor. Restrooms may not be so scary if he has seen them more often.

That way, when the time comes for him to go potty, public restrooms won’t seem so foreign. He would know that you use it as well and feel reassured that this place isn’t anything to feel scared of.

6. Don’t make a big deal out of it

Treat public restrooms matter-of-fact so your child doesn’t feel pressured to put on a show. It’s something that you and plenty of other people do.

We sometimes make a bigger deal of it, which only worsens the situation. We highlight restrooms so much that our little kids wonder why we’re acting strange. Other times, we get upset at their refusal to go.

Making a big deal only makes public restrooms seem more mysterious or scary than they are.

7. Praise your child for every step forward

Every little bit of progress helps, even if your child doesn’t outright use public restrooms.

Rather than berating my son for crying because he didn’t want to use the public toilet, I found a reason to praise him. “Wow, you stayed inside the restroom for a full 20 seconds! You felt scared, but you stayed for all that time.”

Your child may not have used the restroom—all he may have done was walk into one or pull a paper towel. But highlighting the little steps encourages him to keep going. And of course, when he actually does pee in a toilet, offer plenty of praise as well.

Conclusion

Dealing with your child’s anxieties with restrooms is a challenge for even the most patient of moms. Outings become difficult and accidents are more likely to happen. It’s especially confusing when she’s been using the potty at home.

Help her conquer her anxiety by respecting her emotions and acknowledging her fears. Introduce her to restrooms by starting with child-friendly ones like those that look like private bathrooms.

Explain the consequences of not using the restroom without adding blame, like having to cut a park outing short to go home. Don’t make a big deal about it, either—added pressure won’t help.

And praise her for every step of progress made, from as small as entering a public restroom to finally using one. Even if it seems like that day will never come, she’ll master public restrooms at some point. After all, I don’t know many 30-year-olds with a fear of using public restrooms the way toddlers might.

Keep that in mind when you feel frustrated or impatient with her fears. She’ll eventually use public restrooms—yes, even the loud, stinky, crowded ones at the bowling alley.

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8 Comments

Cindy says:

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What do you do when your child shrieks, cries hysterically, and trembles? All of my boys have done that and it was before they were potty training. They used to cry hysterically when I’d take them in there for a diaper change when they were just babies. There have been times and places where there was literally no one else in there the whole time and they were still extremely upset.

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  Hi Cindy! One of my kids did that at exactly the age you mention, right before potty training. Even just taking him in to get his diaper changed on the pull-down changing table freaked him out, even if there was nobody else there. And for us, we didn’t have a van yet where we could change him in the car or anything. Eventually we just had to decide whether the diaper change was really necessary, so if it was just a little bit of pee or it wasn’t poop, we let it go til we got home. If we absolutely had to change it, we tried distracting him with toys or something he enjoyed. And at the end of the day, it was basically changing a wailing and crying toddler 🙁 That happened a few times and after a while we would make sure he was clean as much as possible before we stepped out, or just had to handle it as it happened.
  
  One thing I would definitely do is to make sure you feel calm instead or irritated or impatient like I knew I would sometimes get. They feed on that, whereas it seems like they calm down much faster if we’re calm ourselves and act like they really are safe. ~Nina
  
Loulou says:

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Am still not sure of how to go about this? My 2.5 year old has a complete meltdown in public toilets. It’s the same when I need the loo or her baby brother needs his nappy changing.
I can’t not go to the loo myself or leave baby in dirty nappy to avoid her getting upset.

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  I hear ya… with my toddler, even just stepping in a little bit was enough to make him feel scared and anxious. The best thing for now is to avoid public restroom as much as possible (such as changing diapers at home), but if you can’t avoid them, I would focus more on remaining calm, cool and confident while you’re in the bathroom. This shows your child that there’s nothing to be afraid of, that this is no big deal, and hopefully she’ll take a cue the more she sees you being so calm and will follow suit.
  
Sophie davies says:

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Hey
My little boy ia three and all the advice you have given is really good but he know throws a fit if we go anywhere that is associated with toilets like the other day he wpuldnt go to a park he loves because it had a toilet near it. He got himself in such a state that there was nothing you cpuld say to him to make hime calm down to explain what was going on. Could ypu please help i feel like this is stopping him from developing on his potty traoning and he starts nursery in a week.

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  It’s definitely hard when they throw a fit about public restrooms. When they’re in that kind of state, then yes, don’t even bother saying anything, but rather use non-verbal communication combined with compassion to help him calm down (hugging, facial expressions, tone of voice with simple words, etc).
  
  Then, I would actually try NOT saying anything at all about toilets or public restrooms for a while. Right now, he senses the anxiety around it, so if you get frustrated or anxious, it almost confirms his own fears and anxieties about it, almost like he’s thinking, “See? There IS something up with these toilets.” Instead, treat it matter-of-fact, almost like you’re shrugging your shoulders about it. That way, he sees that it truly is no big deal, and he’ll hopefully be more open to using public restrooms.
  
Maria says:

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OK, here is a scenario – my almost 3 year has been using public bathrooms for awhile now but just recently developed fear of them, mainly of the flush I think. Now, she will still go to the bathroom and sit on it but will not do anything else – just tells me she won’t go. Even if she’s literally dancing from her being full. Our only solution is to drop everything and go home to use her potty. She won’t even use “seat potty”, the one I put on the regular toilet seat to accommodate here. Do you have any suggestions for this? Me, my husband and my mom have tried taking her to bathrooms and talking with her about it but she’s firm on her ground.

1. Nina Garcia says:
  
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  Hi Maria! It’s definitely rough when kids won’t use the potty—outings become that much harder! One thing you could try is to tell her you’ll flush the toilet after she leaves the stall, to ease her into using it again. You can also use public restrooms where you know they’re “nice,” or a single room (instead of a row of stalls). I’d even practice by going to other people’s bathrooms (for instance, your mom’s), to get her used to using other people’s toilets as well. And if worse comes to worse, come prepared with spare clothes, especially in situations where you can’t rush home. The accidents just might convince her to realize what happens if she doesn’t use the potty.