Struggling when your toddler won’t stay in bed? Learn 7 effective tips for when your toddler keeps getting out of bed (and how to help her stay there the whole night).
Getting your child to stay in bed all night has been a challenge. You’ve tried positive reinforcement. You’ve crafted a rewards chart with stickers. You’ve even threatened her with punishment. But you still wonder how to stop your toddler from sleeping in your bed.
Sure, you run through the bedtime routine. And she’ll even fall asleep after you’ve turned off the lights.
But at least once a night for the past several weeks, she wakes up for various reasons: She wants water. She needs a band-aid. And sometimes she’ll even tantrum.
When your toddler keeps getting out of bed
You’re at your wits end. You can’t function, your work is suffering and your temper is short. All these shenanigans are making the whole household—including your other kids—miserable.
What else is there to do? Fortunately for you, plenty.
1. Don’t bend to your toddler’s requests
A middle-of-the-night waking isn’t the time to oblige your child’s every request. And ask they do, from wanting to sleep in your bed to finding their stuffed animal to reading more books.
These requests can be genuine, but they can also stem from their desire to test your boundaries. Just how far can I get away with this? they might wonder.
Unless the situation calls for it (potty accidents, feeling sick or scared), walk her back to bed. Keep things subdued. Even discipline is attention rewarded for her nighttime wakings.
Are your current discipline methods just not cutting it with your toddler? Learn 9 out-of-the-box parenting strategies that will help you deal with these challenging behaviors.
Imagine transforming your relationship with your child, using just the tips you’ll learn right here. Join over 27,000 parents who’ve signed up for my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you:
2. Prevent the wakings in the first place
If you’re finding a common theme with what wakes your child up in the middle of the night, try beating her to the punch.
- Does she ask for water or say she’s thirsty? Leave a sippy cup by her bed.
- Is she awake from hunger? She should eat enough during dinner time (this also prevents crankiness!).
- Does she get up to pee and can’t fall back asleep? Limit how much liquids she can have in the evenings.
- Is her bed and room uncomfortable? Consider what it feels like to sleep and stay in bed all night. If her pillows bunch up and the mattress is lumpy, find ways to make her bed and room more conducive for sleep.
Sometimes what seems like incessant, useless gripes turns out to be genuine concerns. Don’t wait for your child to reach that point. Prepare her sleeping arrangements to avoid those issues to begin with.
3. Tire your toddler out
Help your child stay in bed all night by tiring her out during the day. My four-year-old and I will be reading bedtime books, and I’ll hear the most amazing sound:
“Yaaaaaawn…”
Then I know he has expelled enough energy during the day to feel tired in the evenings. When kids have way too much zing and it’s 10 minutes until light’s out, they may not sleep through the night.
Use a good part of the day for activity. Children shouldn’t remain sedentary for more than hour at a time. Your child shouldn’t sit in front of the television or even in the same place reading a book for more than an hour.
Instead, she should take breaks and switch between rest and activity throughout the day.
Get tips on how to discipline a 4 year old.
4. Time your toddler’s naps and bedtimes well
Schedule nap times so they’re not too close to bedtime. Aim for a good two to three hours of awake time between their last nap and bedtime. Otherwise they won’t feel sleepy to actually fall asleep.
On the flip side, consider extending your child’s bedtime. If she’s in bed by 6:30, you might have better luck if she slept around 7:30 or 8pm. She may not be tired enough if her bedtime is too early.
5. Avoid punishments
Have you ever had a meaningful conversation while you’re half-asleep? Me neither. Hold off on doling discipline during these middle-of-the-night wakings.
Your child isn’t coherent enough to understand the impact of her behaviors. Telling her she can’t go to a party if she keeps getting out of bed doesn’t mean much. She’ll have a hard time tying in what going to bed has to do with going to a party the next day.
She’s also half-asleep (even if she may not sound like it). She’s not making profound decisions during these teachable moments. Any lessons you want to teach will likely get lost.
Or you’re half-asleep, which can lead you to say things you’ll later regret. You might not follow through with consequences. You might say harsh words. And you might lose your temper.
Instead, follow the above advice and ignore your child’s requests. Keep things subdued.
If she needs to tantrum, comfort her or give her space, but don’t allow yourself to get sucked into a battle. Now isn’t the time. The more attention you give this scenario, the more she’ll assume it’s fine to stay up.
Save it for tomorrow, when you’re both fully present.
Get more tips about how to follow through with consequences.
6. Find underlying reasons
Kids’ gripes aren’t always as petty as they seem. Take, for instance, your child’s relentless requests to read a book. It’s just a book, you might think.
But she still wants you to read to her during the most inconvenient times. An argument ensues, a tantrum explodes, and this petty thing has become a battle.
But the reasons aren’t always so superficial. Wanting to read could spell your child’s need for genuine attention. One you may not have been giving because she’s noticed you’re stressed or sick. Or she could be afraid and can’t or won’t admit it.
Before you write off these frustrating episodes as yet another petty excuse, ask why. What changes are going on in your household? I notice that stressful events in my life coincide with how often my four-year-old acts up. Coincidence perhaps, but something tells me it’s not.
Understand your child’s needs. These middle of the night wakings may not just be about sleep. You’ll also grow more empathetic to her struggles. They seem insignificant if you only see it as a request for water or play time. But on a deeper level, they can signal a different need.
7. Talk to your doctor
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I’m one of those people that relies on my kids’ pediatrician for any concerns I can’t seem to resolve on my own. If your child is chronically failing to sleep without problems, consider calling her doctor.
She might help you uncover health issues you may not be able to pinpoint on your own. And she could point you to best practices and offer further advice.
It doesn’t hurt to ask for help, and doctors are a great resource for any issues that baffle you.
And check out The Big Bed by Bunmi Laditan, a hilarious children’s book to encourage your child to sleep in his own bed:
Get more tips:
- How to Respond when Your 3 Year Old Won’t Stay in Bed
- What to Do When Your Toddler Is Hysterical at Bedtime
- 9 Children’s Books about Bedtime
- 6 Tips on Helping Your Child Sleep in Their Own Bed
- How to End Bedtime Battles and Get Your Child to Finally Sleep
Are your current discipline methods just not cutting it with your toddler? Learn 9 out-of-the-box parenting strategies that will help you deal with these challenging behaviors.
Imagine transforming your relationship with your child, using just the tips you’ll learn right here. Join over 27,000 parents who’ve signed up for my newsletter and download your PDF below—at no cost to you:
Tamara says
May 21, 2014 at 9:04 amIt’s rare for us but I find that for my daughter, it’s generally related to having to go to the bathroom. And she doesn’t want to wear pull-ups but has trouble finding her way in the dark in the middle of the night and needs help.
I struggle with discouraging it until I figure something out!
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 7:54 pmYou know what we did Tamara? We installed nightlights both in the kids’ room and one in the bathroom. Granted he’s right next to the bathroom so finding his way isn’t as complicated, but I found that he’s much more capable of going to the potty by himself with some sort of light (without having to delay the process any further).
lisacng @ expandng.com says
May 21, 2014 at 9:21 amWhen my son started potty training, I attributed his middle-of-the-night visits to our room to that. But then he’d refuse to potty sometimes. Sometimes we’d just sleep in his bed until the morning too, since he wouldn’t want us to leave in the middle-of-the-night. The way we put an end to it is (1) don’t stay too long in his room while he’s trying to fall asleep (5 min ok, falling asleep yourself not ok), (2) get him to potty before bed, (3) remind him to stay in his room, even if he gets up to potty himself (which he finally does, thankfully). I agree with your point about not having punishment or arguments or learning lessons during the bedtime routine. No one is fully coherent then!
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 7:59 pmTotally agree about not staying in their room with them, Lisa. The only time we came close to doing so was when he was adjusting to his new toddler bed and he was freaking out. So about a night or two one of us would sleep on the floor next to his bed. I don’t even think we made it the whole night, either. It was just too uncomfortable, so we’d get up and sleep back in our bed.
maryanne @ mama smiles says
May 21, 2014 at 11:15 amGreat suggestions, as always! For my kids, making sure their bed was a space where they felt safe and establishing a very consistent bedtime routine has proven key. And, this is one place where I used rewards briefly, but in the context of the reward being very specific and something that they either did or did not receive the following morning. They wouldn’t find out if they earned it until the next morning (since they had to stay in bed until a certain time in the morning). I used to hear my then-four-year-old whispering to herself, “I need to stay in bed, I need to stay in bed, I need to stay in bed…”
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:05 pmHow cute, MaryAnne! Hey, they know about delayed gratification 😉
Yeah, I agree about keeping their sleeping space safe. That’s why I don’t think parents should use cribs or beds as time outs, if they do time outs. You want their beds to be associated with comfort.
Elizabeth says
May 21, 2014 at 1:31 pmGetting kids to go to sleep and stay asleep is a process. I remember when my twins were born, I kept hearing “Are they sleeping through the night?” No. They weren’t. And they didn’t. For 10 months. I still remember how difficult it was and how hard I worked at a routine and schedule. I wouldn’t let people visit or wake them up when they had a nap. I was so so so tired. But, at 10 months something magical happened. They slept. I continued with my schedule (of course adjusting for age as they grew and eliminating naps now) but they continue to be great sleepers. So, my advice: Don’t give up. It will happen if you stick to it (barring unforeseen circumstances). Great post. Thanks for sharing!
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:09 pmWow that’s so awesome that they fell into their own rhythm, Elizabeth. Because you always hear about kids (and some I know personally) who still didn’t sleep through the night at three-years-old. I suppose some kids just do and some don’t.
I’m a big fan of routine too, especially when it comes to naps. I pretty much plan my day around my twins’ nap times as much as possible. Of course I’ll make exceptions like if it’s a family party, but for everyday stuff, I make sure to honor their need to sleep.
But I remember how awesome it felt when my eldest stopped needing naps. It sure freed up the day, even if you sort of lost out on those precious breaks.
Rebecca says
May 21, 2014 at 1:32 pmI’m enjoying crib life, where he has no choice but to stay in bed. lol best cage ever! But I need to pin this post because it’s only a matter of time before this is my problem. :[
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:22 pmOh Rebecca you have no idea how sad I was when my toddler outgrew his crib. I really, really wanted him to stay in for as long as possible, but unfortunately he got so scared of something when he was a little bit younger than two that he mastered jumping out of the crib.
Lynn (@wanderlynn) says
May 21, 2014 at 2:20 pmAs always, great advice! Every now and then we’re blindsided with night wakings by our 3-year-old. It’s frustrating and miserable. Then two days later he’s clearly sick with a virus. Somehow it’s really hard to remember that night wakings = a boy who will be sick soon.
Now we need to work on keeping him in his room until his OK to Wake clock lights up. Despite blackout blinds and curtains, the two hours of sunshine before our 7am wakeup make it hard to sleep, it seems 🙂
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:25 pmThat’s good though Lynn that you were able to pinpoint a reason or a pattern for his night wakings. Sometimes it seems so out of the blue but then it’s helpful to notice a pattern so you know what to expect.
We also have blackout curtains but yeah, those early morning hours are still hard to completely black out. Still, the curtains help a ton. When we didn’t have them, the kiddo would be up at 5am thinking we were ready for him.
Rachael (Mushroomsmum) says
May 21, 2014 at 3:06 pmI’m lucky, Mushroom always sleeps through unless he’s sick or we’ve really messed with his routine (i.e. He’s gone to bed well after 9pm). Getting him to sleep in the first place, however…
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:32 pmHaha, seems you have the opposite problem 😉 Yeah I’ve been lucky with my eldest. He knows to stay in bed, and go right back after he uses the bathroom.
Carla says
May 21, 2014 at 7:03 pmWe had a family bed (although they did have their own rooms with their own beds if they wanted) until my youngest was three. So I never really worried about all of that. However, I know that it can be frustrating for others. Depending on what it is I may or may not have given in. That still applies with my grandkids. 🙂
Nina says
May 21, 2014 at 8:35 pmCarla I’m curious if your kids wanted to stay up even though they were in the family bed…? Or did sleeping close by prevent them from having outbursts to begin with. My kids are in their own room but thankfully my eldest doesn’t really get up in the middle of the night or expect much action.
Carla says
May 21, 2014 at 9:02 pmIt’s been a long, long time since then … my youngest will be 19 in a few months….but to my recollection it started because the middle one wouldn’t sleep. He was misdiagnosed with ADD (he actually suffers from depression) and he did not sleep well. It helped him to at least get some rest and not wonder around the house if he was in the same bed as me. More of a comfort thing than one of rebellion against going to bed. The other two just sort of migrated there. My oldest didn’t always sleep with us because there is a larger age gap between my kids (three years then four years) but I let the kids do what they wanted. Plus I was a single mom at the time so for me I didn’t mind.
Nina says
May 23, 2014 at 2:58 pmGreat post with so many good suggestions. We used to have this problem with one of our kids–well most of this school year with our 1st grader. We did finally offer a reward if she stayed in her room for seven nights straight. It worked–mostly because she was able to see that when you stay in your room you eventually fall asleep. I think well placed bribes are okay when needed! 😉
Nina says
May 24, 2014 at 9:46 pmI imagine that rewards—other than the direct one of actually falling asleep and feeling fine the next day—can add incentive to stay in bed. I think so long as rewards are able to be weaned without causing disruption in what it is we’re trying to accomplish, then they just might work. After all, we clap our hands and praise the heck out of our kids when they first learn to walk and don’t keep it up once they get the hang of it—this doesn’t mean that our kids stop walking because they stopped getting praised. It’d only be bad if you could see that they would stop doing XY and Z if the rewards stopped as well. Hopefully in staying bed every night, kids learn that doing so is actually something good to do after all!
Working Momma says
May 27, 2014 at 12:38 amYet another relevant and fantastic post! I continue to love reading your blog!
So, my oldest is a big cuddler. We put him to sleep in his own room and have a standard routine and bedtime, but he always ends up in our bed by the morning. He had a lot of colic and reflux issues as a baby which led to him sleeping with us through most of his baby time so I think he got used to being near us while he slept. Right now at age 3, my husband and I don’t mind the arrangement but I’m sure we will have to address it in the next few years. It looks like we will try positive incentives from the responses I’m seeing to your post!
Nina says
May 27, 2014 at 7:23 amThanks so much for your kind words! Totally made my morning 🙂
And you know it seems like parents who co-sleep don’t seem to mind the arrangement at all. That seems to make sense; I figure if they did mind, they’d have stopped it a long time. And maybe when you do address it, your eldest might even transition himself as part of his awareness of growing up and “separating.”
Co-sleeping never seemed to work for any of my kids though, so I have no first-hand experience with this lol!