Hearing kids cry and whine can feel frustrating, but we also shouldn’t tell them to stop crying. Take a look at a few compelling reasons why.
I’ll admit: I’ve told my kids to stop crying pretty often.
They could’ve been crying for 30 minutes straight before I snapped and said, “Stop crying already!” I’ve sent them to their rooms, telling them they can come out when they’re finished. And I’ve also held them in my arms after a scraped knee, reassuring them with a mantra of “Don’t cry, don’t cry…”
I’m certain I’m not alone. It’s amazing how many times we tell our kids to stop crying for various reasons—from comforting pain to losing our patience.
Regardless of why, one thing is true: we want them to stop crying. We don’t want to see them in pain or hear more crying for another hour. Maybe we’ve had it with their defiance and tantrums. And other times, we think this is how we’re supposed to respond (especially when we don’t know what else to do).
Why you shouldn’t tell your child to stop crying
Perhaps you can relate.
Your child cries and screams all day, and nothing calms her down. You’ve tried talking to her, distracting her, and holding her to calm her down, with zero luck. She will literally cry about anything, compelling you to tell her to just stop it already.
Crying isn’t the most pleasant of emotions, for sure. It’s not that we want our kids to enjoy feeling sad or upset. But telling them to stop crying isn’t the best choice, however much we feel inclined to say it. Here are a few compelling reasons why:
1. It restricts your child’s emotions
Imagine that you had a terrible day. Maybe your boss embarrassed you in front of everyone, dinner turned out to be a flop again, and you forgot your wallet when you ran an errand.
You felt so upset and ended up in tears, not in the mood to spend time with others. Except instead of comfort or even the space to be, people told you, “Stop crying already.”
Not pleasant, right? But this is what it feels like when your child hears those words. Her emotions are as real to her as yours are to you, even if she’s crying about a lost toy or a fallen cracker. And the message that she’s hearing when you tell her to stop?
I’d love to have you around when you’re happy, but not when you have unpleasant feelings.
Allowing her to cry gives her the safe space she needs to sort through her feelings. Telling her to stop limits what she thinks she can express.
Besides, crying is necessary—it’s cathartic. We all cry and feel better than had we bottled our emotions. And the younger and more limited our vocabularies are, the more tears we shed.
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2. It doesn’t provide your child teachable moments
Convenience sometimes comes at a price. Telling your child to stop crying—even getting angry at her—may do the trick. Told often enough (or even threatened enough), she’ll likely dwindle her tears to a few hiccups and sniffles.
But she has missed out on several opportunities, including learning to manage her feelings. What if, instead of telling her to stop crying, you use the moment to help her learn valuable skills and lessons?
In holding her in your arms, you make it clear you’re here for her, no matter what. You also show her how to self soothe by taking deep breaths or holding onto a stuffed animal. Maybe you guide her to a quieter space, so that in the future she’ll learn to go to her room to calm down.
And afterward, you can talk about what happened. She’ll learn that everyone feels sad and that it’s normal. That anger and frustration aren’t permanent, but come and go. And that she can help them go away by doing something she likes or talking about it.
Pretty important insights, right? But she won’t learn any of this when you simply tell her to stop crying.
3. It doesn’t work
Anyone who has ever told her child to stop crying knows how ineffective it is. It hardly works. I have yet to see any of my kids calmly stop crying the minute I told them to.
And for good reason. Your child is in the middle of some pretty rough feelings. She doesn’t feel comforted, especially if you yell at her to stop. And she has no sense of logic or reason when she’s in this state—no amount of explaining will convince her to stop.
You might as well save your breath because telling her to stop crying hardly works.
What to do instead
So far, we’ve learned that telling our kids to stop crying isn’t the most effective or ideal response. What to do instead?
- Comfort your child without words. Whether she feels hurt, sad or angry, hold her in your arms and let your body language do its trick. Right now, she can’t process anything logical. But through rubbing her back or giving her a kiss, she knows you’re here for her even as she cries. At most, you can say, “It hurts, doesn’t it?” or “I know, buddy, I know…”
- Offer a comfort item. My kids would grab their lovies whenever they felt upset as a way to soothe themselves. Giving your child a comfort item can be a practical way to calm herself down.
- Give her space and time. Maybe she isn’t in the mood to hug. That’s okay—let her be. Don’t banish her to her room because she’s crying loudly, but do give her space and time to get it out of her system. Emotions don’t have time limits or need to be finished in five minutes.
“But what if my child was misbehaving?” you might ask. “Won’t comforting her enable and encourage her misbehavior?”
In short, no. Enabling misbehavior means allowing her to keep ripping pages out of the book or hitting her sister. Comforting a crying child doesn’t make her cry even more. She won’t think, Well, that was nice. I’ll cry some more so mom can hold me again.
She won’t associate crying with attention (unless you only hold her when she’s misbehaving). Instead, comforting her will decrease the amount and frequency of crying.
She’s more likely to stop crying safely in your arms than if you tell her to stop crying (or get upset that she is). All she needs is that hug, that reassurance, that she’ll be all right.
Whether to comfort or to discipline, telling your child to stop crying isn’t the way to go. Holding back tears restricts her emotions. She misses out on learning opportunities to manage her feelings. And it’s ineffective—rarely does a child stop crying when told to.
Instead, allow her to cry. Teach her how to soothe herself, reassuring her that her feelings are normal. And, most importantly, show her that you’ll be there for her. As frustrating as it is to hear her cry, this is most likely the time when she needs you the most.
Get more tips:
- The Key to Helping Your Child Stop Crying at School
- How to Stop Your Toddler Whining (Even When You’ve Tried Everything)
- How to Deal with a Child Who Cries Over Everything
- Here’s How to Address Your Child’s Failures
- Parenting Mistakes: Judging Your Child’s Emotions
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