Setting limits with your strong willed child can be a challenge for many moms and dads. But with simple techniques, you can turn difficult situations around.
“She is just so stubborn, and… strong-willed,” a friend said. She was talking about her child who was challenging her in ways she wasn’t used to. And she was frustrated—not used to the defiance and gumption in a strong willed child.
As frustrating as it may be to handle a strong willed child, these traits aren’t bad. Even my friend recognized this: “I know as an adult this will serve her well, but for me right now, it’s a nightmare.”
What are some of the positive aspects of strong-willed children?
- They’re motivated and reach for what they want.
- They’re leaders.
- They tend not to succumb to peer pressure.
- They want to do things themselves and are self-sufficient.
But some of these positive traits can test parents with a different agenda. Strong-willed children want to be in charge and will test limits. They’re passionate. Imagine the two-year-old who wants “me do it!” as she fumbles with putting on her shoes while mom waits nearby knowing she’s not there yet.
Setting limits with your strong willed child
So while these traits can serve them well in the future, they still pose a challenge to parents right now. What can we do to help rein in this extra gumption, to better serve both parent and child? What do you do about parenting your strong-willed child?
1. Check your response—are you strong willed too?
When kids are strong willed, they’re met with equally if not stronger willed parents. What’s your reaction when you hear your daughter challenge you and test her limits? The best reaction of course is to stay calm. It’s hard when she defies your rules, but you’ll be more effective.
Nearly every parent has lost her temper. It’s almost like you can’t stop yourself from going bonkers at your kids, or find every excuse to do so. Still, we need to remind ourselves to remain calm, especially with a strong willed child. They’ll agree when we’re not just as stubborn as they are.
2. Let routines do the job for you
Imagine all the tasks you’d have to remind your child to do if they weren’t already part of your routine. Using the potty, brushing his teeth, eating at the same time every night. Without asking or nagging, routines remind your child what happens next.
When routines aren’t in place, all this nagging falls on your shoulders. You remind your kid to put on her shoes every morning. Or to stop coloring because it’s dinner time, or that 7:30 means it’s time to head to the bathtub.
Flexibility offers a relief from the sameness of the day. But having a routine helps both parents and kids. Parents don’t nag so much, and kids know what next to expect.
3. Give parent-approved choices
Imagine a day in the life of a young child. Now try and count how many times they’re told what to do or not do. I’ll bet we limit our kids more than we think we do.
And for many of those instances, we have good reason. We have to keep them safe, our day needs to flow smoothly, and we do know best (usually).
But amid all those rules, kids start feeling like they have no say. And they’ll naturally exert themselves.
Giving your child the choice between two things—both of which are parent-approved—can empower her. Forgoing a jacket isn’t an option. But offering the option between the denim jacket and the hooded zip-up gives her some power.
Don’t offer too many choices can go wrong. But giving your child a say in her life can steer your strong willed child towards the same page as you.
Read more about how to use choices effectively.
4. Compromise
I no longer consider compromise as the way of the wussy parent. But for a while I did: I assumed any detraction from a parent’s orders would encourage kids to sneak their way in. To manipulate their parents.
That was before I learned the benefit of picking your battles. Yes, we need to establish boundaries, but with room for flexibility.
Another reason to compromise? Doing so teaches our kids how to compromise themselves. Rather than expecting the world to comply, they learn how to meet the other side halfway through. They understand the other person and see things from their perspective. They feel satisfied even when their initial requests weren’t completely met.
So, how to compromise? Pick scenarios you’re okay with. “I want to eat a snack right now,” your child might say, a mere 15 minutes before dinner time. “Well, you do seem a bit hungry,” you can respond. “I don’t want you to eat too much or you might lose your appetite or have an upset tummy. Tell you what: I’ll give you some of the apples now and save the rest for after your pasta.”
Read about the importance of setting boundaries with kids.
5. Respect your child
Want to know the best way to get your kids on board with nearly everything you need them to do? Treat them with respect.
We adults can sometimes take this power thing to a whole new level. Because we have the authority, we can forget that we’re dealing with human beings. We disrespect our kids in ways we wouldn’t other adults or our partners.
We condescend, we’re rude, we snap. And when they react in ways we don’t like, we blame them.
It all goes back to us somehow. Start fresh and respect your kids as you would any other adult. When your kids see and feel your genuine respect, they’ll shower that right back at you.
Read 3 ways you might be disrespecting your child.
6. Praise positive actions
Praising our kids’ positive actions promotes the behavior we’d like our kids to adopt. They resist our negativity, while our positivity is usually met with compliance.
Sometimes kids misbehave because doing so is the only way to catch our attention. Switch that around: Praise your child when she behaves.
Pat her back when you see her playing with her sister. Smile and say, “Look at you—you brushed your teeth all on your own!” Gestures small enough not to interfere with her activity but enough so she knows she’s doing well.
You know it’s a power struggle when…
How do you know if you’re treading the rocky grounds of a power struggle with your strong willed child? You know it’s a power struggle when you’re determined to win.
Don’t make it about winning or losing, or focus on complete obedience. Raising your spirited child can be challenging. But accepting her character and working with—not against—her temperament helps both of you “win.”
Want even more tips? Join my newsletter and download my PDF, 5 Tips to Raising a Strong-Willed Child and discover 5 ways to nurture and work with—not against—your child’s inner spirit and strong personality:
Get more tips on parenting and discipline:
- How to Discipline a Child: The Ultimate List of Resources
- What to Do When Your Child Says No to Everything
- Help Your Child WANT to Behave
- How to Discipline a Toddler Who Deliberately Disobeys
Tell me in the comments: What is your biggest struggle with setting limits with your strong willed child?
Jen says
November 14, 2014 at 12:52 pmOh my goodness I needed this today. I love that my children are strong and smart and capable of more than I give them credit for, but sometimes it is so very hard to parent them.
Nina says
November 14, 2014 at 7:27 pmI can imagine! There’s some amazing qualities, but very challenging when we have a different agenda.
Dana says
November 14, 2014 at 1:10 pmMy oldest has been strong willed since she was born. I think your suggestions are great, especially the first one. I’m equally strong willed, and we butt heads all the time. It’s actually better now that she’s older (16), and I’m seeing many of the positive aspects of being strong willed. But it was a long road to get here!
Nina says
November 14, 2014 at 7:28 pmSo glad that it worked out in the long (LONG!) run 🙂 Goes to show that whatever challenges we may have with the little ones can eventually taper off as they age.
maryanne @ mama smiles says
November 14, 2014 at 1:40 pmI love strong-willed kids, but they can definitely keep parents on their feet! Love your tips.
Nina says
November 14, 2014 at 7:28 pmThanks!
Leslie says
November 14, 2014 at 3:59 pmThe Husband and I are both strong-willed, so it’s no surprise that our first is strong-willed as well. Unfortunately, giving options didn’t work that well for us. It usually ends with “I don’t like those options!” That said, we’ve definitely found that it helps to praise the positive behavior and to try not to lose our cool during the less-than-good moments. Thanks for synopsizing some great techniques.
Nina says
November 14, 2014 at 8:00 pmHaha yes, I’ve also heard the “I don’t like those choices” line. For sure they’ll find some way to work their way around it lol.
Vanessa says
November 15, 2014 at 7:32 amYep – this was definitely written about our middle child! And the parents portion – yep, my husband! My mother-in-law even said she owned a book back when he was in elementary school called “Raising the Strong-Willed Child.” Point made.
And you make the point that we all know – it will serve them well later in life – but damn if it isn’t hard now! At times I am happy about her determined personality. Her older sister is a rule-follower and a bit of a people-pleaser. I worry that she won’t stand up for herself as she grows older. But then I remember that if anyone says a hurtful word to her, her younger sister will probably punch them in the mouth. And that gives me a chuckle as I am trying to keep my cool while she is throwing a fit about wanting to wear the same dirty pair of pants for 3 days in a row. 🙂
Nina says
November 15, 2014 at 7:56 pmCrazy how even in the same household, different personalities emerge, isn’t it? That’s hilarious she wanted to wear the same pants. It’s always over the smallest things!
Rea says
November 15, 2014 at 3:21 pmI agree with routines. I think that it’s important to create one just so the kids get used to it. It’s hard for me to stick to a routine at home because of work schedule but I do try to keep things in order and make sure that those important things need to be done daily although not exactly at the same time everyday.
Nina says
November 15, 2014 at 8:03 pmI’m the same with routines: some things do happen the same time every day (for instance, naps and bedtime), but other things just have to happen, doesn’t matter at what time (like brushing teeth—just needs to get done!).
Sarah @ Beauty School Dropout says
November 16, 2014 at 5:43 amThese are all great suggestions, and I think I may have tried all of them at various times. I never considered my son to be strong willed than the average 4 yr old, but maybe he is! I just figured all kids were challenging. I still get really upset sometimes when he absolutely refuses to listen to me, but my best strategies are to use humor/silliness to lighten the mood, and make whatever I’m trying to get him to do into a competition (I bet I can brush my teeth faster than you!)
Nina says
November 16, 2014 at 8:14 pmGood one, Sarah! You’re right, humor often has a good response for us too. I’ve never tried a competition, either.
Melissa M says
November 16, 2014 at 9:58 amExcellent advice! My children are both strong willed, especially my toddler who wants to do everything by himself. I pick my battles and give him choices. It is great to see that independent spirit in kids.
Nina says
November 16, 2014 at 8:16 pmPicking battles has been a life-saver!
lisacng @ expandng.com says
November 17, 2014 at 12:25 pmIs every child strong-willed because I can’t tell if my son is strong-willed or just a normal preschooler ;). I think he gets it from me and I don’t react to affronts to my will very well. He gets that from me too! Just this weekend he didn’t want to try-on the umpteenth pair of winter gloves at the store. Understandable yet I got upset at him and threatened to go home right afterwards (punishment) instead of offering a reward/treat for trying on the gloves. In hindsight, I know that positivity would have worked better. I need to keep that in mind with my preschooler.
Nina says
November 17, 2014 at 8:31 pmI don’t think any of my kids are overly strong-willed, but from what I’ve seen and read, these tips seem to do the trick. There are different temperaments, too. Some kids anger quickly, or some are prone to anxiety, etc., and they all come out as stubborn or hard-headed or yeah, strong-willed. Good luck with your next outing with J—he’s like me, can’t stand shopping (physically at least).
[email protected] says
November 30, 2014 at 7:28 pmI say to my husband often that our children’s traits will benefit them in adulthood, but challenge us now. I try to remember that ages and stages matter too-each of my two oldest children are strong-willed in their own ways. This multiplied during the three-nager stage. While I do think there are times when compromise is appropriate, I think parents need to remember that they are the parents/adults. Sometimes giving in or compromising just makes the next conflict worse and not better because the child thinks that you are going to compromise every time. My kids are so smart. Their memory in these situations is good. They will refer to other disagreements and try to talk me into compromise. But, at times, they need to wait until dinner or need to wear a certain jacket because it is ready to go and we are running late. That all teaches flexibility over time because they learn that they can not always get their way. I have found that once my child reaches 4 to 4 1/2, they suddenly reach a maturity and gain a deeper respect for us, their parents. I feel for moms because it is so challenging to be a good parent, but patience will be our best asset! Thanks for posing such great ideas to consider.
Nina says
November 30, 2014 at 8:20 pmThanks so much for sharing your experiences, Jaimi! I wrote a post a while back about just what you said, when parents give *too* many options. It can stifle action and actually paralyze kids from making *any* sort of decision when given the choice. Also, some things aren’t really necessary to give choices to. Otherwise, kids will expect choices every time when there will be moments when choices just can’t be made.