What to Do When Your Toddler Doesn’t Want Daddy
It’s tough for the whole family when your toddler wants nothing to do with her dad. Learn why this happens and how to handle it in a positive way.
“What am I—chopped liver?” my husband joked.
Although he’d always been a hands-on dad, our toddler clearly preferred me over him. After having been away at work, he couldn’t convince our son to so much as pay him any attention. He’d start playing games, but our toddler would refuse. And diaper changes? I was the “lucky” one who had to do them all.
If you find yourself in similar circumstances, rest assured you’re not alone. It’s never easy when your child is rejecting one parent—one feels hurt while the other can’t catch a break.
Thankfully, you can be proactive and make changes instead of waiting and hoping until this phase passes. And more importantly, you can avoid the habits that make it harder for your toddler to rekindle her relationship with her dad. Take a look at these tips to rebuild and reestablish their bond. As one parent said:
Don’t give in to your toddler’s demands
Those diaper changes my toddler preferred that I—and only I—do for him? That I obliged and changed each diaper was our first big mistake.
You see, giving in to your toddler’s demands reinforces whatever beliefs he might have about his preference. He might think that he was right to ask for you, or that you’re the only one who should be feeding or carrying him.
He’ll also learn that his parents will eventually give in if he continues to have a meltdown each time. While you should pick your battles now and then, you also need to set expectations that throwing a fit doesn’t grant him what he wants.
And finally, giving in doesn’t allow dad to spend time with him. Sure, changing a wailing toddler’s diaper may not be the quality time he had hoped for, but these moments add up.
Yes, it’s easier to cave in and change the diapers yourself, especially if it means avoiding yet another tantrum. But the more dad gets involved, the less likely your toddler will resist him down the line.
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Avoid punishing your toddler for feeling this way
While you don’t want to give in to your toddler’s demands, you also don’t want to punish her for feeling the way she does.
She might be going through developmental changes that surface as separation anxiety. Don’t discourage her from feeling upset or make her feel guilty if she shuns dad. This is simply how she feels and shouldn’t be punished for it.
For instance, don’t take away a beloved toy because she insists on going to the park with you—and only you. Instead, explain that dad is taking her to the park to spend time together.
And describe how she feels, even at this young age. “You’re sad because you wanted to spend time with mommy.” Talk to her about her feelings without trying to rush her through them. These are valid emotions she feels, and the more she knows you support and love her no matter what, the less terrible she’ll feel.
Encourage regular time with dad
I used to work early in the mornings—so early that I was out of the house before our toddler even woke up. This meant my husband handled mornings on his own, from breakfast to preschool drop-offs.
As hectic as it was, this regular time together started to reinforce the idea that his dad and I were both capable of caring for him. He was able to be alone with his dad every day doing regular tasks. They had to spend time together, with no option of pulling me into the mix.
From your toddler’s morning routines to nighttime rituals, encourage regular time between him and his dad. This sends the message that both parents are willing and able to care for him and makes him less likely to resist. For instance, he won’t demand that you change his diaper when dad has been doing it regularly.
And most importantly, he realizes that dad isn’t just “helping out.” Both parents are invested in caring for him, regardless of how many hours he sees each of you in a given day.
If dad truly can’t be around for daily tasks, weekly or weekend outings are also effective. They can start new traditions like going to the farmers market on Sunday mornings or the playground on the weekends. Regular time gives both of them more opportunities to be together.
Stay in the background
You may know exactly how to tuck your toddler in bed, which toy she likes to bring on playdates, and how she likes her pasta cut. But, when dad does it “wrong,” you might feel compelled to step in, get involved, and even correct him for his “mistakes.”
The problem? Hovering and delegating reinforce the belief that you’re in charge, not dad. Your toddler will feel less inclined to spend time with dad if she thinks he has no idea what he’s doing.
Plus, this undermines dad’s capabilities. Sure, he may not do things the way you do them, but this is a partnership. Both parents should be welcome to do things their way, even if it means your toddler resists at first.
Allow dad the opportunity to develop his own routine, however different it may be from yours. Let him learn from experience how your toddler wants to eat and sleep. He might even find a more effective method than yours.
In doing so, both of them feel more confident with each other. Dad is better attuned to your toddler’s needs and doesn’t feel belittled when he does things differently.
Conclusion
The outright rejection when your toddler doesn’t want daddy can take a toll on everyone. Thankfully, this attachment isn’t permanent. Those days when my son preferred me over his dad have long ended, thanks in large part to implementing these tips.
Soon, your toddler will rekindle a strong attachment to dad—and won’t see him as chopped liver anymore.
Get more tips:
- Stranger Anxiety in Toddlers: 5 Things Every Parent Should Know
- What to Do When Your Toddler Is Hysterical at Bedtime
- 7 Qualities of a Good Father and Husband
- How to Survive the First Few Weeks with a Newborn and Toddler
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