6 Positive Ways to Respond to Toddler Testing

Losing your patience with your toddler testing limits? Learn how to set boundaries and ground rules while nurturing your child’s spirit.

Toddler TestingIt started when I asked my son to stop tapping his fork on the bowl (Oh why must they always tap things on the dining table?!). He “stopped,” but started tapping the fork again, this time quietly, looking at me all the while to see my reaction.

Now, if these scenarios were rare, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. But when toddler testing happens throughout the day—for every little thing—it’s enough to make me lose my patience.

Maybe your toddler—who is generally well-behaved—has been testing his limits recently.

He puts the dirty towel in his mouth even though you’ve already asked him not to (and even explained why). Bedtime is a fiasco when he refuses to sleep, grabbing books off the shelves and making a mess instead. At one point, he even put your toothbrush in the trash and his toys in the toilet.

What do you do when you ask him to do something (or not) and he completely disregards you?

How to respond to toddler testing

We can all agree that toddlers will naturally test our limits—that they’re even supposed to. This is the time when they develop their sense of self and learn how to express themselves in their limited capacities.

Still… that doesn’t make it easier when you can’t get your toddler to listen and stay in the shopping cart, or to stop pushing the baby for no reason.

How can you set the boundaries he needs and respond to his constant testing?

After three kids, I’ve had my share of toddler testing and learned that there is a better way to handle these situations. Where you’re not sucked into a back-and-forth power struggle or raising your voice just to get them to listen.

I’ll start with mindset shifts we need to make, followed with tactical ways to respond to your child’s behavior:

1. Work with your toddler’s strong-willed personality

One mistake we make with toddler testing is seeing the behavior as “bad.” But dig deep and you’ll realize that many of your child’s choices and actions aren’t necessarily bad. They’re impulses and traits that are more appropriate in other situations.

Don’t fight her natural desires to have fun, explore, or seek joy. Instead, engage and encourage her to use those traits in other ways.

Let’s say you catch her playing with slime, except she’s dangerously close to the carpet—not exactly where you want the slime to end up. Start by asking questions rather than directives. “What are you trying to do?” can work much better than a stern “Put that slime away!”

Other times, you simply need to ask her to think of a more appropriate activity. “Can you show me where to play with slime?”

Your enthusiasm honors her impulses while allowing you to guide her to a more appropriate way to explore (like playing with slime in the kitchen).

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5 Tips to Raising a Strong Willed Child

2. Show empathy

Toddler testing is especially rough because we feel personally attacked. We ask our kids to stop a particular behavior, but they outright refuse to. The ensuing power struggle only builds up our defensiveness, which makes them up the ante.

But what if you started the conversation by first showing empathy?

You can describe the situation and the emotion your child must be feeling (“It’s hard to share the swing with your brother when you’re having so much fun…”). Appeal to the reasons that might be driving her behavior (“I know it’s hard to stand in line for such a long time…”).

You’re letting her know you understand her point of view, even if you don’t agree with the behavior. She feels heard, and that extra empathy can be all she needs to stop the behavior completely.

As hard as it is to show empathy when she’s crying nonstop or outright defying your requests, it can be one of the simplest ways to connect. Remind yourself that she’s not giving you a hard time—she’s having a hard time.

3. Look for deeper reasons

Many parents resort to typical punishments because they seem to “work.” Time outs can curb toddler testing quickly, but… at what cost?

You see, what we label as negative behavior is often a result of a child’s internal needs she can’t express just yet. She might be jealous of the new baby, sad about moving to a new house, or apprehensive about going back to school.

She can’t articulate her deeper feelings, like feeling she’s not loved like the baby, or that she can’t make new friends.

Unfortunately, punishments only make things worse. Let’s say she has been behaving poorly because she feels jealous. Being punished only confirms her initial worry of being loved less, especially the angrier you get.

Instead, look for these deeper reasons and acknowledge how she feels. Reassure her worries away, and you’ll find that her behavior will improve dramatically.

Learn how to meet the emotional needs of a child.

Emotional Needs of a Child

4. Give logical and natural consequences

As tempting as it is to engage in a power struggle with your toddler over her behavior… don’t. Instead, use the power of natural consequences to teach her the impact of her choices.

Spilling a cup of water, whether deliberately or accidentally, holds her responsible for cleaning it up. Throwing toys she shouldn’t be throwing means she can’t play with them the rest of the day. Refusing to stay put to read books results in not reading for the time being.

Look for the logical consequences of her behavior and hold her accountable to them. She’ll reconsider her actions the next time and will also be less likely to blame you as the “punisher” when her actions are what led to the consequences.

Learn more about why natural consequences for kids that actually work.

5. Redirect to a more appropriate activity

Sometimes the best way to curb toddler testing is to simply redirect to an alternative activity. If she insists on sucking on an old towel, offer a clean one instead. Jumping on the couch may not be safe, but jumping on the pillows on the floor is.

Or let’s say she’s playing rough with her brother and refuses to stop. Guide her through more positive ways she can still play with him. You might say, “Can you make him smile with funny faces? Look, he’s laughing!”

Don’t ignore her need to learn how to engage with the world. Instead, find a way that allows her to explore, play, investigate, and yes, test in a more appropriate manner.

Learn about redirecting children’s behavior.

Redirecting Children's Behavior

6. Show the other person’s perspective

You’ve learned how important showing empathy to your toddler can be to disengage his defenses and help him feel understood.

Now you can encourage him to practice those skills himself.

Let’s say he grabs a toy from a friend and refuses to return it. You can say, “He feels sad you took the toy away. What can you do to make him feel better?”

Or you ask him to brush his teeth in the morning but he’s dragging his feet. You might say, “Everyone will have to wait for you to get ready, and we’ll be late for school.”

Use these as opportunities to teach life skills he’ll need, including the ability to put himself in other people’s shoes. Help him connect with people and his environment, rather than doling punishment as a way to curb toddler testing.

Check out these children’s books about empathy.

Conclusion

It’s not easy setting ground rules for your child when she keeps testing her boundaries. But as you can see, toddler discipline is less about punishment and reacting and more about guiding and teaching her to behave appropriately.

Nurture—don’t squash—her strong-will personality so she learns how to use her traits in healthy ways. Show empathy so she feels heard and understood and look for deeper reasons driving her behavior. Offer logical and natural consequences to hold her accountable for her choices.

Redirect her to more appropriate activities that still honor her impulses. And finally, encourage her to practice empathy and consider other people’s perspective—a crucial skill to have in life.

Toddler testing is an inevitable part of growing up, but it shouldn’t have to be the headache you dread waking up. Even if your toddler insists on tapping the fork against her bowl after you’ve told her to stop.

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