How you respond to the mistakes your child makes is just as important as correcting it in the first place. Learn how to respond when kids make mistakes.
I kept telling my boys to knock it off. We were eating dinner and the three of them were acting goofy with one another.
On this particular night, they were moving their arms left and right in a marching swing. And as I had predicted, one of them knocked over a cup of water.
To make matters worse, all three just sat looking at the water as it continued to drip onto the floor. As much of an accident as it was, the silliness and the spill were enough to annoy me.
How to respond when kids make mistakes
Mistakes are inevitable for both kids and adults alike. Still, when they happen, however accidental or purposeful, the way we respond makes a difference.
Mistakes go far beyond spilled cups of water (or even cranberry juice on carpet). Maybe your child not only told a lie, but tried to cover it up. She hit her brother over the head in a fit of rage. Or she stepped on and broke the sprinkler in the backyard.
No matter the mistake, the way we respond is just as important as correcting it in the first place. What do we need to do when our kids make mistakes?
1. Consider whether the mistake was an accident
How often do you get frustrated when your child stains her nice shirt with jelly or drops her plate of dinner all over the kitchen floor? If you’re like me, you’ve lost your temper at some point.
But ask yourself whether the mistake was an accident—usually the answer is yes. Rarely do kids make mistakes on purpose. She may have spilled all the cereal out of the box and onto the counter, but she was likely just trying to be more independent and serve herself breakfast.
Reminding yourself that the mistake was an accident helps put the situation in perspective. Everyone makes mistakes, including us. How often have we gotten frustrated at our kids for spilling a cup of water, only to do the same thing ourselves?
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2. Thank your child
When your child admits to making a mistake, thank her for telling you. Yup, before you even discipline, thank her for letting you know what happened.
Maybe she was rough housing with her brother and ended up pushing him too hard. Before telling her to be more careful or to not do that, thank her for telling you the truth.
She’ll feel like she can tell you anything, even when she’s in trouble or needs help. She should be able to tell you both good and bad parts of her day, including when she makes a mistake. She needs to know that being honest with her parents is more important than hiding things and getting into more trouble.
In fact, thank her when she…
- tells you about the mistake
- admits her part in the mistake
- helps clean up or resolve the mistake
- apologizes for her mistake
3. Embrace mistakes as learning moments
Common childhood mistakes make for awesome teachers. When your child makes mistakes, don’t make her feel ashamed for doing so. Common mistakes are healthy and helpful—they help her learn what to do and not do in the future. Mistakes are an inevitable part of life that we might as well make the most of.
Rather than reprimand her, focus on helping her sort through her emotions and allow her to learn from her mistakes. She’ll know you have faith in her ability to try, fail, and eventually learn and succeed.
Making mistakes helps her develop the coping mechanisms for controlling frustration and guilt. She’ll develop the thinking skills to decide how to make the situation better.
Read more about how to help your child embrace mistakes.
4. Prevent common mistakes
Though mistakes are inevitable, you can also prevent many of them from happening in the first place. Child-proof your home, or set valuables out of reach. Pull the kids apart when they’re starting to play too rough, and guide them toward more appropriate activities.
In my case, I could’ve moved the cups of water away from the dining table when my kids were goofing around, or communicated clearly when I told them to stop. Kids can make mistakes because we didn’t take the precautions to avoid them in the first place.
Conclusion
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Mistakes are inevitable, there’s no doubt about that. And how you respond is just as important as addressing your child’s mistake in the first place.
To start, see if the mistake was an accident or not. Often the impulse isn’t to be mischievous but a simple mishap. Thank her for admitting her mistakes, especially when she could’ve withheld it from you out of fear of getting into trouble.
Praise her for helping to resolve the mistake and apologizing for the role she played in it. And finally, prevent common mistakes. Sometimes we play a role in the mistakes they make by not taking preventative measures.
Mistakes can be positive when we use them as learning moments. Build open communication based on honesty and unconditional love—even over a spilled cup of water all over the dining table.
Get more tips:
- Homework Tips for Parents: Crucial Mistakes You Should Definitely Avoid
- Unfair Reasons We Get Mad at Our Kids
- Teach Your Child the Value of a Job Well Done
- Here’s How to Address Your Child’s Failures
- Teaching Resilience and Perseverance: How to Raise Kids with Grit
And check out the fantastic book, What Do You Do with a Problem? by Kobi Yamada. Encourage your child to face her problems and discover the opportunities they can hold.
Don’t forget: Join my newsletter and download The Power of Empathy below—at no cost to you:
We usually say, “No biggie!” when a drink spills or some other accident happens. Then we hand our kiddos a towel and ask them to help clean it up. I sure wouldn’t want someone getting mad at me every time I make a mistake so we try to teach our kiddos that mistakes happen, but we need to be responsible to help rectify our mistakes.
Such a great response, Steph. Getting them to help clean up the mess is an awesome idea too. I find that it helps reassure them when they feel like they can do something to fix the problem.
This is really a good reminder. I used to be so impatient even when it was just a simple mistake like spilling food or water. I’m happy though that I’ve long changed that. I’ve read about it a lot too and I realized that kids really do not intend to do these things. My son has actually learned how to clean up his mess when he spills food on the table or floor.
Yup, I’ve also gotten a lot better about realizing that these mistakes are harmless. And honestly, even the defiant behavior is all normal as well to a certain degree. It’s easier to address mistakes knowing they’re normal.
It’s good to be reminded that we adults make mistakes and not to be so hard on kids who do actually need reminding. Their minds aren’t fully developed so how can we actually expect them “to know better”. Another good way to practice taking a breath before reacting!
Yup, anything to get us to pause before reacting is great. Helps us realize that mistakes are normal and the way we react can either make them fear or feel ashamed of mistakes or realize that they’re great to learn from.
This goes hand in hand so nicely with your post about asking them “why.”
I make mistakes probably every day and my children are very young and have a lot to learn. Heck, so do I!
I usually take a deep breath and count to five first.
Thanks, Tamara! And yea, I actually like when I point out my mistakes (or other adults’ mistakes) because it lets them know everyone makes them.
Excellent tips. My favorite response to mistakes comes from a music teacher my violist sister worked with. Whenever one of his students made a mistake, he would say, “How fascinating!” and they would take it from there.
I love that! Because yes, who’s to say a deviation from what’s ‘right’ has to be wrong?
I don’t get mad when my kids spill things, but I do get loud. They just stand there and stare at milk dripping off the table! And at (almost) 8 and 11 they are old enough to know what to do! Their reaction times are no good at all! LOL
What is up with the staring at the spill? My kids do the same, and I do wonder why they just watch it drip. I hadn’t thought of this, but yeah—why don’t they react the same way we do (e.g. get up and wipe it fast!)?
All great ideas! I tried to not make a big deal when my kids spilled stuff (I had four) because I didn’t want them to feel bad for being human! I know I’ve had my share of spills as well. And you are right, thanking them for owning up to whatever they have done is a great first reaction – because they will obviously lean towards not telling you if they know they’re going to get a very negative reaction. This can be carried on throughout the teen years as well. We have to stop, take a breath, and listen. Listen first, always, or we’ll drive them away. Thanks for sharing on Tuesday Talk!
Yup, thanking for telling the truth is my way of encouraging me to keep telling me stuff, even ‘bad’ stuff. Definitely hoping it carries into the teen years, for sure!
These are such great pieces of advice! It’s always good to get a reminder.
The best piece of advice I got was ‘take a breath before you do anything’ and it really helps me to center. I don’t think about cleaning up the mess, or fixing whatever happened, but that breath and that moment allows me to be able to focus on the teaching aspect.
That’s awesome mindful parenting, Sarah! That pause helps so much with not reacting too quickly.
I do exactly these things. I often have to stop myself from losing my temper, because, it’s not that our kids are out to make us mad intentionally!
Yes exactly Tarana. We get frustrated but we have to remind ourselves that our kids aren’t doing it on purpose (usually!).
Oh man, my kids are always making mistakes. It’s so easy to get upset – especially about the careless mistakes where you’re thinking that the kid should have known better. But it’s not easy being a kid. Everything’s so much bigger to them than to us. Definitely agree with what you said about thanking children for admitting to a mistake. There are so many people out there that just can’t admit they did something wrong, and that’s an important part of getting along with others as you grow older!
I think that’s what it is: you think they should know better. And sometimes they should and maybe that’s why we get crazy. But yeah, it’s usually not intentional, and certainly normal to make those mistakes.
Great idea to thank you children when they have to courage to admit to a mistake. That is so important, and makes them more willing to communicate in the future. Nobody likes making mistakes.. it feels yucky. But a calm response can only help:)
Exactly Seana. I want them to feel like they can come to me, even when they make mistakes. I’d rather remain calm and deal with the situation than make them feel like they’d rather avoid telling me because they’ll get in big trouble.