Wondering what to do when your child refuses to apologize? Discover a positive way to handle the situation without forcing her to say sorry.
My toddler wasn’t in the best of moods. It was one of those, “Let me whine about the littlest things” days.
He and his dad were rough housing when he hit his dad with a plastic toy. Right away the air changed from giddiness to tension, and my son was in no mood to be schooled.
Still, I knelt down to my toddler’s eye level and said, “We don’t hit other people.” Okay, so far so good. “Daddy got sad and hurt when you hit him,” I continued. When he continued to throw a fit, I ordered, “Say ‘I’m sorry’.”
“I’m sorry,” my toddler replied between tears.
I doubt he even knew what “sorry” meant, because clearly he wasn’t. A few minutes later he ran after his dad and smacked him again with his hand.
Insert a few parenting mishaps here and toddler crying there, and you get an idea of how the rest of the evening went.
Why you shouldn’t force kids to apologize
As parents, we’re driven to force our kids to apologize when they do something wrong. We want to use the situation as a teachable moment to learn right from wrong. Maybe we’re embarrassed by their behavior and want to show that we feel terribly about it.
Or maybe our kids truly did do something pretty bad that we absolutely would never tolerate, from hitting to calling names to breaking a toy.
Now, I recognize there’s a difference between encouraging kids to apologize and guiding them through that process, and forcing them to. But despite all the reasons an apology would be appropriate, forcing kids to say sorry—especially in the thick of their emotions—simply isn’t a good idea.
After my toddler’s fit, my husband and I talked about what happened and what we could’ve done instead. We agreed that forcing him to say “I’m sorry” was a bad idea. Here’s why:
1. A forced apology isn’t genuine
We sometimes force kids to say “sorry” to teach manners. To raise polite kids who respects others, asks for things politely, and yes, apologizes for mistakes. After all, when you hurt someone, you express your grief at having done so by saying sorry.
Except saying sorry only works when you mean it. And when you know what it even means.
Sure, sometimes we feel compelled to tell our kids to apologize depending on severity. Playing with the curtains or flinging food on the floor don’t warrant stern discipline, but something like hitting your dad probably does.
But telling kids to apologize before they feel remorse makes them say things that aren’t truthful for them, forcing them to admit a feeling they don’t agree with or understand.
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2. A forced apology makes your child feel ashamed or confused
Forcing your child to apologize might also make him feel ashamed and confused about his feelings. He likely already feels guilty for what he had done, even if he doesn’t admit it right away. Forcing him to apologize can make him feel like he has lost your support, or that he is a bad person.
You see, it’s easy for kids to tie their behavior to their self-worth. They don’t always know that it’s not about being a bad person as it is a person who did a bad thing. Forcing an apology only makes him feel like he is being reprimanded for who he is, not for what he did.
Read why kids shouldn’t be forced to share.
3. Your child doesn’t learn anything important
A forced apology slaps an immediate “resolution” to a conflict both of you could learn from instead. You’re not able to learn, for instance, why she got frustrated in the first place. And she won’t learn how to use her words, manage her emotions, or handle social conflict.
In other words, both of you miss out on a teachable moment.
The more you can both identify the triggers to her behavior (was she upset? feeling ignored? tired?), the more you can help her find alternatives (like saying “I’m mad!”).
Read more about what to do when your child hits.
What to do when your child refuses to apologize
Even though we shouldn’t force kids to say sorry, we can certainly use this opportunity as a teachable moment. One that will guide her to want to apologize, or to at least understand its importance.
Rather than forcing her to apologize, encourage and teach genuine ways to do so. Here’s how:
1. Wait for the right moment
As tempting as it is to resolve the problem, talking about the importance of saying “sorry” (much less forcing it) is best left for later.
You see, your child is likely still in a heightened emotional state. She senses she did something wrong, but is too emotional to process much of anything you’re trying to teach.
Briefly explain your expectations (“We don’t hit”) but wait until she’s calm before talking about or even trying to resolve the incident. Forget about saying anything logical while she’s crying or hysterical—she’s simply not receptive to understand when her emotions are still too high.
2. Acknowledge his motives
Once your child has calmed down, talk about why she misbehaved by describing what happened. Start by showing empathy and acknowledging the triggers that may have led her to behave the way she did.
For instance, you can say, “You seemed upset when she took your toy…”
Instead of starting with, “You hit her…” you’re first showing empathy for her point of view. This doesn’t mean you condone the behavior—hitting is still unacceptable—but you start the conversation by showing you understand her motives.
With younger kids, you’ll need to fill in and guess most of their emotions. But even doing this exercise will provide the words he’ll need for when she can be more verbal.
3. Explain your expectations
Now that you’ve acknowledged her motives, you can then explain why the behavior was unacceptable and, more important, what you expect from her.
You see, just because you don’t force her to apologize doesn’t mean you allow the behavior to continue. Instead, you use these calm moments to explain your expectations, values, and rules. You might say, “I know you felt mad—I would, too—but hitting hurts. We don’t do that.”
4. Offer alternative ways to respond
Once she feels heard and understands your expectations, you can then offer different ways to handle it next time.
With younger kids, you can simply make suggestions. You might say, “The next time she takes a toy or you feel upset, you can tell her, ‘Stop’.” This is your chance to teach her what you’d rather she do (say “stop,” walk away, take a breath) than do what she just did.
With older kids, you can even brainstorm these ideas together to help her develop critical thinking skills so she can do this independently. Plus, she’s more likely to follow through when she comes up with her own ideas.
You’re reassuring her that her feelings are valid, but that she needs to find a better way to respond in the future.
5. Brainstorm ways to make the other person feel better
Once your child understands what to do the next time, you can both come up with a solution on how to make it up to the other person.
One simple solution? Suggest that she apologize.
For instance, you can say, “I don’t think he felt good when you hit him. Why don’t you give him a hug and say ‘sorry’ so he can feel better.”
At this point, your child is calm enough to realize she has hurt someone and even learned a few ways to better express herself. Only then can you encourage her to say sorry as a way to make the other person feel better.
Conclusion
Rest assured friend, not forcing my kids to say “sorry” is still something I’m working on. But I’m learning that doing so can backfire and not take advantage of the teachable moment my kids can learn from.
Forcing kids to apologize isn’t genuine, and instead, can make them feel ashamed or guilty. And of course, they can’t learn anything constructive from the scenario, such as how to process their emotions or choose better choices.
Instead of forcing an apology, encourage it instead. Start by waiting for the right time to talk about it, not when your child is throwing a fit. Acknowledge her motives for why she behaved that way, but follow it up with your expectations and rules why she can’t do that.
Offer different ways she could respond to similar situations in the future, so she’s better equipped to handle it again. And finally, brainstorm a few ways she can make it up to the other person, including, of course, saying “sorry.”
Get more tips:
- How to Stop Siblings from Fighting and Teach Conflict Resolution Instead
- How to Respond to Your Child’s Hurtful Words
- 9 Playground Rules You and Your Kids Should Remember
- Why Kids Shouldn’t Be Forced to Share
- How to Respond When Your 3 Year Old Tantrums Every Day
Free resource: Download my PDF, The Power of Empathy, and learn how to prevent power struggles and instead better connect with your kids, all by understanding their perspective. Join my newsletter and get it below—at no cost to you:
Good post 🙂
Definitely! Let me bring another perspective into this: my girl has had a playmate who every time she was invited over would start hitting my toddler almost the moment she stepped through the door. It happened with both mummies present but more often then not when our backs were turned. I don’t know to the day what sets her but she can be quite vicious, pushing my toddler on the floor, slapping her…etc. It got so bad that I felt I had to stop the “play dates” because it wasn’t fair on my girl to feel threatened in her own home. Her mummy, dear help her, always made her apologise. It never worked because this toddler needed other means to be contained(removed from the room, having the toy she was trying to snatch taken from her..etc). Toddlers don’t understand “sorry”. they just parrot words…
Oh wow I don’t blame you for wanting to stop the play dates. That toddler’s actions is similar to what made me think of how effective forced apologies are because my toddler said sorry but I don’t think understood what it meant or why he was being told to do it. I’d rather delve into why he acted up, or like your toddler’s playmate, maybe her mom could try and see why her daughter acts up and work on that instead.
I think when we’re in social settings like your play date and especially when it comes to hitting, we want to set it right by having them say sorry so that it’s not embarrassing or that people know we teach our kids manners. But then I wonder how fair it is to the kids who have no clue what sorry is.
Yeah, I think with toddlers we need to learn that their behaviour doesn’t reflect on us necessarily and as you say, we need to be able to deal with a cool head with that’s at hand.
Something to think about!
We watch Baby Signing Time because I wanted her to learn sign language. Something that has been a blessing to all of us and something that has tremendously had an impact on her speech. Anyway, there is a song called “Please, Thank You, Sorry” which teaches the signs and it talks about how it makes everyone feel good when we say these things. I personally think that it’s good to get in the habit of having them say sorry. But at the same time we try to impose upon her how it makes us feel when she hits or talks back. So when she says sorry, it’s connected to making the other person feel better, and righting a wrong.
The fabulous preschool teacher who works with my 3-year old also insists that “I’m sorry” isn’t appropriate until a child is much older. Instead, she has the children say “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” It uses words the kids can understand much more easily. And, they will likely mean that. When my kid kicks me in the head, he doesn’t mean to hurt me; he means to express his anger or show me his disgust. Or, his body reacts to the frustration, pain, sadness and angst he feels and he flails, thus making contact with my cranium with his giant man-child foot.
We also try to teach our son to take a deep breath when he’s angry or frustrated. He’s started doing it on his own now without prompting and seems to cut back on (albeit not eliminate) some outbursts.
You just gave me two terrific ideas I hadn’t thought about. I love your teacher’s idea of saying “I didn’t mean to hurt you” because more often than not it’s true. When my toddler hit his dad, I think his frustration took over and that was what he resorted to; he didn’t plan and say, “I’m going to hit my dad.” Excellent idea!
I also like your idea of teaching him to take breaths. I’m trying to think of alternative ways he can express anger and the only one I can think of is him saying “I’m mad.” I started writing a post about this and collecting my thoughts, because an old method I used to do was for him to hit a pillow or the couch instead, although I’ll explain in that post why I don’t even want to do that. But I love your idea of taking deep breaths!
Thanks. Glad to offer some ideas. This parenting crap is hard, isn’t it?
🙂
YES! I’m putting your ideas to use next time my toddler decides to hit / step on / generally assault his baby brother …maybe if I catch him right before he does it and say “are you trying to hurt your brother or is something else wrong. maybe we could do X instead of hit” he’ll start thinking.
I find that I often resort to doing or saying things my parents did- because that’s what I know. I remember once, as a child, my mother being very mad at me for not saying “yes, ma’am.” I couldn’t understand why she wanted me to say it so bad! I try to imaging how my son perceives my corrections and be aware of his level of understanding. It is so hard, but I think the fact you consider your child’s perspective at all is what makes you a good parent.
Our preschool doesn’t focus on “I’m sorry,” either, and instead work with the kids on choices and consequences. We do this at home, as well, though I have noticed that our daughter will apologize for certain things on her own lately, particularly if she sees that her hitting has hurt one of us, etc.
I also think that toddlers’ understanding of their actions and the consequences of them tie directly into language development – not just being able to say the words “I’m sorry” but to be able to articulate their own feelings surrounding an action. I know that as our daughter’s language development has increased (full, complex sentences, more introspective, articulation of emotions, as well as reasons for emotions), her reaction to her own anger has become less impulsive, using words more often…though certainly not always and most times those words are screamed at the top of her lungs.
Great post, very thought provoking. I’ve realized lately that some of my “explanations” to my toddler are just going over his head.
I do have a question for you (or anyone who wants to respond): When my son does something / misbehaves, I ask him why he did that (even if it was something good or neutral and just surprising) and he always says “because I did” UGH! so frustrating for me. Any suggestions on me getting him to understand what I’m asking and actually giving me a response? I’ve tried prompting and sometimes that works (I’ll say “we’re you sad?” he’ll say yes or no, and I’ll go through a list of possible reasons until he finally says yes to something) but I’d like something a bit more telling of why? is this even possible (he’s 2 and will be 3 in May).
I think you’re on the right track with prompting him. You can keep practicing questioning and answering with your kid and I’m sure over time he’ll be more vocal and specific. This is what we’ve been doing:
We point out things to him and ask him, “What’s that?” And he can answer “bed.”
After an outing or at the end of the day, we ask him, “What did you do today?” Usually we know the answer and we prompt him, “Did you see the fountain today?” And usually he’ll fill in from there. Or you can ask, “What did you eat for lunch?” And if he doesn’t respond you can prompt again, “Did you eat strawberries?” and wait to see if he’ll respond.
You can also encourage him to tell his dad or another person what he did with you. “Tell Daddy what we did today at the park!”
Have you tried doing something similar? Hopefully these ideas can help!
Yup I’ve tried that. The trouble is, he’s really a smart kid because he can describe exactly what he did including explanations as to why sometimes…I think what’s happening is his emotions are confusing the reasoning if that makes sense?
Take a look at one of the newer comments from Stacey; she mentions that giving explanations and answering “why did you…” may not be until a much later age. Hope you find that useful!
Hello! So I loved this but im not quite at this stage yet. My pumpkin is 10 months old and I was hoping to get your insights on what to do when he rips toys out of another baby’s hands. He gets very excited when there are other kids around but he will take literally anything they try and play with. Any thoughts on the right method for a kid who doesn’t understand social interactions yet?
Thank you
Hi Melanie! Yup, it’s totally normal for babies to grab from other kids’ hands, especially when they’re excited. I would try to prevent him from grabbing things in the first place. So if you see him making his way to another child, stay nearby so if he looks like he’s about to make a grab, you can intervene. Then, acknowledge it by saying something like, “That looks cool! But she’s playing with it right now. How about we play with this one instead?”
That way, he doesn’t feel like his motives were wrong, but that he still shouldn’t grab from people’s hands. Over time, he’ll get to the age where he’ll learn this, but for the next few years, they literally think anything in sight is theirs for the taking. I hope that helps Melanie!
Mine isn’t old enough yet to say “sorry” or any other audible word. However, I will stash these tips away for when the day comes! Thank you for sharing.
I really, REALLY like this. You have given me cause to rethink some of the things I do, and i plan to talk to my husband very soon to revise our discipline plan.
Great article. It’s so true, as adults we know when we receive an insincere apology. As a parent I’m constantly catching myself reassessing the way I discipline my daughter. I usually ask her, ” do you think it was o.k. to hit daddy or knock over your toys? ” and she usually responds with, “no, that wasn’t good behavior mommy.”
What a great question to ask! I’m sure it’ll encourage self-reflection for your daughter.
A few months ago, our 2-year-old started saying, “I’m sorry” without any prompting. It surprised us because we’d never asked her to – our responses to misbehavior had been like yours: “It makes me sad when…” We think maybe her day care encourages “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t really bother me enough to make a fuss about. I will say, though, that her apologies are sometimes overly remorseful: She sounds as sad and regretful about spilling her juice as she does about throwing a book at me. So I think you’re right – “sorry” requires a level of perspective that toddlers just don’t have yet. I don’t want my kiddo to feel *bad* about an accident.
Why did you…? is just too abstract for the small ones. Wait until 5 or 6 to ask that! At our school, we help the child who is hurt to tell his/her friend: i didn’t like that. I can’t play with you if you hit me. And the child who does the hitting may help bring a tissue or sit with the person who was hurt…that way they can begin to see the impact of what they did and help make it right. And the one who is hurt learns to express their boundaries and feelings about what happened. If they want to say sorry, that is fine, but not the most important part of the process. I remind them that saying sorry means they won;t do it again Some kids hit and hit and say sorry but it doesn’t lessen the hitting.
Great input, Stacey—I hadn’t considered introducing the other child who was hurt into the equation (probably because the “other child” in my example was my husband lol!). But I love how your school also gives the child who was hurt a chance to express his boundaries.
Ad regarding asking “Why did you…” another commenter was asking about this and I’m going to point her to your comment. I wasn’t sure what the developmental stage for explaining behaviors and it seems like your comment will be helpful to her. Thanks!
I hadn’t realized it was too early to introduce the concept, but it makes sense since it’s rather abstract…he thinks everything in the past happened yesterday so it makes sense that he wouldn’t be able to formulate an answer to a question like that.
Thanks for telling me about this comment 🙂
My daughter’s been getting pushed around by a few of the kids in the church nursery on a fairly regular basis (as told to us by a an adult). She’s very verbal so I like the idea of teaching her to say, “I didn’t like that. I can’t play with you if you hit me.” And of course she does the hitting sometimes and I also like the suggestion to have her help make it right. Great suggestions.
If you have not seen it, the book Noni Says No by Heather Hartt-Sussman might also be a good thing to read with your daughter. While it’s not directly about hitting, it does focus on speaking up when you do not want to do something or do not like how you are being treated. We used this with our daughter and it really helped her think about how to use words not just to express herself but also to stand up for herself using words.
Thanks, I’ll look for the book. It seems like the nursery workers are pretty on top of it but I want to give my daughter the tools to learn to deal with it as well.
I agree with the sentaments, but I will say that it is easier: “linguistically speaking,” to say “I’m sorry,” than it is to say: “I didn’t mean to do that.” I know parents who say: “Sorry is too abstract,” or “They don’t know what they are saying, anyway,” and then don’t teach the child anything. My LO is 4mo, so can’t put anything into practice yet. But, I’ll save this for later.
I think sometimes they think that saying sorry straight after doing something they shouldn’t means that it cancels out their bad behaviour.
Love this…. I have gone back and forth on this topic…. And this post is helping me to develop what works best for our fam…. Thank you
no matter what your expectations are of your child is never wise to try to instruct them after they’ve messed up. Teach them ahead of time! Play games and act out scenarios with their toys. Have one of their toys refuse to be sorry(not just say sorry) and play through its inevitable consequence.(no one wants to play with him next time, etc.) there’s nothing wrong with shame, it’s a motivating emotion. What you don’t want to do is make them feel ashamed for something they never knew they shouldn’t do. Never discipline based on how your child’s behavior makes you feel! Emotional discipline can become abuse (verbal, physical, emotional) very quickly. You are a great mom if you care enough about your child to put your personal comfort aside and do what is right for the child, even if they don’t like it.
Interesting points, Amanda! I do think it’s still important to teach your child after an incident, even if it’s not right away (even if it’s the next day, when they’re calmer). I like your ideas of playing games and acting out scenarios with their toys.
Shame itself isn’t a good feeling (this is that terrible feeling that others don’t like how we are, and not necessarily on even having done anything). I think though guilt is what you may be talking about, and that is a motivating emotion. That is tied to their actions, which they can always improve.
And yes I like your idea of not disciplining based on how your child’s behavior makes you feel.
One thing I learned is to say you don’t like the action, vs you were bad, etc. Maybe he doesn’t know now what sorry means, but he will grow to understand it. I have a very polite adult son and we taught him manners as you teach you child along the road. Sure you have a few things you think was that the best way but they get the point sooner or later. So really consider continuing what you have been doing. Maybe sorry, you could explain what that means. That might help too. However, I have learned everyone raising their kids the way they see it best and you will be picked on no matter how you do it. I helped my son too much, oh my he is in the ANG now for 4 years and doing just fine. HELLO……
Hi Diane, yup that’s great advice! I wrote a whole post about labeling your child’s actions and not them, like you mentioned. It really does make a difference! With actions, they know they can do bad things, but they aren’t bad people.
Thank you for this message. I too do not want children to say they are sorry when it is done the way we usually do it! You might be interested in the world wide practice of Non Violent Communication developed by Marshal Rosenberg. Recently when some one expected me to apologies I went on line to see how one would use NVC to express regret. Marshall never wanted people to apologize…. very interesting thoughts about this point of view.
I like these ideas. I will say that I have a very aggressive strong willed four year old boy, as well as a pretty scrappy two year old girl and I do expect them to apologize every time they hurt someone. But I wait until the big feelings blow over and we have had a chance to talk about it. I read a similar article once and the tone really bothered me: the gist was that since we don’t want our kids to say things they don’t mean, you don’t have to encourage reconciliation since it most likely won’t be sincere. Um what?! I like that you address other peoples feelings and trying to talk about things. I will also say that if I didn’t encourage my kids to apologize, they would really miss out on a lot of great moments of forgiveness, hugs, ect. We’ve taught them to say “will you forgive me” and “I forgive you” and I think it’s great when they get to hear that from each other. But I totally agree that shouting “say sorry right now!” In the heat of the moment is not effective. Thanks a lot of food for thought!
Hi Melissa! It seems like you’re doing a fantastic job, particularly with waiting until the big feelings blow over. Their emotions are probably too heightened to even hear a word we’re saying, so waiting til they’re calm is the way to go.
And another great point you made is about missing out on teachable moments. Encouraging them to apologize is a practice in forgiveness, social interaction, empathy, among others. We can definitely encourage kids to say sorry and show them how it affects others, but yup, forcing it when they’re not ready hasn’t been effective for me. Thanks so much for reading and hope to hear from you again soon! ~Nina