Do you make your children share when they fight, or because you think it’s polite? Head’s up: See why kids shouldn’t be forced to share.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I don’t think kids should be forced to share.
My toddler was scooping sand at the park. Another two-year-old walked over and stood nearby and wanted to have a turn with the shovel.
I told my son, “It looks like he wants to play too. Do you want to take turns scooping the shovel? Maybe you can hand him the shovel so he can scoop, and when he’s done, you can take a turn.”
He obliged and handed the boy his shovel. They continued taking turns, handing the shovel back and forth as each one finished his turn.
Why kids shouldn’t be forced to share
Kids should have an opportunity to share when they’re ready instead of being forced to share. They’re likelier to have a favorable view of sharing when they take the initiative. If they’re forced to share, they’ll think maybe sharing isn’t all that great after all.
We force them to give up their toy when they’re still absorbed in it. I wouldn’t want to cut my toddler off from focusing and finishing a task only to have his work whisked away. I don’t want him to stop filling a bucket with sand because another boy wanted a turn.
I’ve seen kids pouting with giving up toys for good reason: they weren’t finished learning or playing yet. Imagine playing a game on your phone and your sister walked over, peeking at what you’re doing. Suddenly your husband says, “Okay, hand it over to her now. You have to share.”
1. Forced sharing isn’t respectful
I also wouldn’t want my toddler to share and give up an item because I want him to stand up for what’s important to him.
If an item is important to him, I want him to learn it’s okay to hang on to it. He shouldn’t always give up what he wants. Others shouldn’t push him around or tell him to keep quiet.
He shouldn’t be mean about it, but he should still know his feelings and wants are valid. If he has enough conviction for something, he should learn how to hold on to them.
When the opportunity to share comes up, I ask him if he wants to rather than taking it away without his consent. This is a simple act of respect. I can’t imagine forcing adults to share without asking. We should give the same respect to children, too.
2. Kids don’t learn the ability to resolve social conflicts
A downside of forced sharing is denying a child the ability to resolve his own social conflicts.
It’s painful to see kids in conflict because we don’t want their feelings hurt. Especially over simple problems. But take a step back and be a moderator or a referee instead. As long as they’re not hurting others, allow your child to experience the conflict.
As awkward or difficult it may be, they learn much more than you stepping in.
See why we shouldn’t resolve our kids’ social conflicts.
3. It’s not about us
Why do we feel like good parenting means forcing kids to share? Maybe it’s because our parents told us to share in our own childhood. The common scenario we see at the playgrounds are parents telling their kids to share. It’s like we accept this as the normal thing to do.
Or maybe it’s because sharing is a wonderful value to instill in our children so we think we have to force them to do so. While the intent is good, babies and toddlers are too young to understand the idea of sharing the way adults do.
To most babies and toddlers, ego-centric that they are, everything is theirs. So when adults talk about sharing, kids get mad and don’t understand why they had to give up a toy.
Another reason parents force kids to share is to save face with others. I’ve jumped in on occasion when my son isn’t sharing, as if to tell the other mom, “Oh no, he’s usually an angel. I don’t know why he’s acting this way. This is so not like him!”
It’s as if we jump in and force them to to prove we’re not terrible parents.
What do instead
If kids shouldn’t be forced to share, what should we do instead?
1. Encourage turn-taking
If two or more kids want the same toy, moderate a turn-taking situation.
One child gets to use it for X amount of times before handing it to another. Highlight the positive outcomes of turn-taking. See who can make the ball bounce the highest. Or how high they can make the mountain of sand from their combined efforts.
2. Let your kids determine how to play together
Can you tell I’m pretty hands-off yet? Still, I value the idea of allowing kids to turn a problem into a solution. Research has shown that scarcity breeds cooperation. Don’t force kids to relinquish or replace a toy. Instead, see how they can use a single toy to better cooperate with one another.
3. Phrase sharing in a positive light
You can still “force” kids to share, just not so sternly. “Looks like he likes your fire truck. Maybe you can show him how it works.” This will be met with much less protests than saying, “Share your fire truck.”
4. Teach your child to share on her own
Rather than forcing kids to share and missing out on showing why it’s fun to do so, highlight its importance. You can say, “Looks like you have a new playmate now!” or “Let’s see who can throw the ball the farthest.” Friendships and cooperation become the benefits of sharing.
Get more tips on how to teach your child to share.
5. Give each child a few turns first
Kids usually don’t mind sharing, so long as it’s not so abrupt. If your child is still using the swing even if another kid wants a turn, tell him, “You’ve been at the swing for a while now. How about 10 more pushes and then we let another kid have a go?”
6. Honor your child’s wishes
If your child doesn’t want to give up the swing, or share the shovel or hand over the ball, let it go.
Your child isn’t any worse off for not sharing. He may be having an off day. He may just be focusing on playing right now. He may just want to be alone, or that toy may just be important to him.
All those reasons aren’t bad—they don’t mark your child as any worse than someone who’s in the mood to share and socialize.
Want to learn more about how to help your kids learn how to resolve social conlfict (plus other parenting tips you can apply right away)? Join my newsletter and download the bonus chapter of Parenting with Purpose at no cost to you:
Conclusion
If I were to force my toddler to share, he may assume sharing is when you have to give up something you like. Or he may not learn to fight for what’s important to him.
Instead, highlight the benefits of sharing: helping another person feel good or finding new friends and new ways to play.
Get more tips:
- 7 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Share
- 9 Playground Rules You and Your Kids Should Remember
- How to Help Your Social Child Handle Peer Rejection
- Why You Shouldn’t Solve Your Child’s Social Conflicts
- Why Forcing Your Child to Say Sorry Isn’t a Good Idea
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kinderkeepsakes12 says
February 24, 2012 at 7:43 amAn impressive post, I just gave this to a colleague who is doing a little analysis on this topic. And he is very happy and thanking me for finding it. But all thanks to you for writing in such simple words. Big thumb up for this blog post!
Nina says
February 27, 2012 at 6:08 pm@kinderkeepsakes12
Thank you so much for your kind words, and especially for passing the post on to your colleague!
Jenny says
February 27, 2012 at 1:15 pmMy partner feels the same, he hates the way young kids are expected to share when it’s never expected of adults. We still try to keep things harmonious by use distraction and offering alternatives but think sharing a rather bizarre idea.
Raising kids with LOVE says
March 2, 2012 at 2:32 pmToddlers shouldn’t be expected to share…actually they are developmentally unable to share on their own (without forcing or strong encouragement) until about age 3! So we parents need to relax! They will understand the concept soon enough! Just smile and watch your child grow!
The Big Picture Calgary says
March 27, 2012 at 3:02 pmMy son (2 1/2) loves to share… but sharing for us doesn’t mean stopping your activity so someone else can do it instead. It means taking turns, or working together to accomplish something. It means one person can use one thing while another uses something else. It means coexisting. It means one cracker each…not giving them all away.
oana79 says
March 31, 2012 at 7:18 amI think it’s all about balance. I don’t expect her to stop her activity and give her toy away but I expect her to allow other children to play with her toys when they come visiting. sharing shouldn’t be only about the here and now but an attitude of courtesy towards other fellow toddlers :-). And I think the sooner they learn it, then easier it will be for them to make friends when they grow up. I don’t agree with “forced sharing” because the kid never learns to do it at his/her own initiative. The stress should be put on the attitude rather than on a random act of sharing, here and there.
An Honest Mom says
April 16, 2012 at 12:42 pmAmen, sister! I had to figure my way around this one for a while but soon realized that I don’t always like to share either. And I would totally make J share because it was about relating to the other parents. Now, the thing that I parrot all day long is, “respect the ‘no.’ ” If J wants someone else’s toy, I encourage him to ask “Can I have that please?” and then he has to respect the yes or the no. The harder part for me, for whatever reason, is defending J’s need to say no sometimes. Chalk it up to wanting to be liked, maybe. So it feels like therapy everytime I ask another kid to respect J’s “No.” Coincidentally, I’m learning to respect the “no” too.
Nina says
April 16, 2012 at 1:29 pm“Respect the no”: I love this! We just had a similar episode this morning (albeit not a sharing one) where we had to respect my toddler’s no. He was eating yogurt and surprise, he actually said he was done eating even though there was still a few more bites left. My husband started scooping some up and was about to feed it to him when I stopped him and said, “He already said no.”
I also find that i don’t always respect his no in other ways, and feel like I really need to take a step back whenever he does.
Anyway, I also love how you have to school the other kids on respecting J’s nos. It’s more tiresome but I think in doing so you help him assert himself and stand up for what he wants, even if it means telling other kids no.
acepuppets says
May 2, 2012 at 9:58 amI completely agree, if we always encourage our children to put their needs and wants after others how can we expect them to be assertive and take the lead. I was brought up to share and think of others thoughts before myself which has left me needing to gain approval from everyone and be a bit of a wimp – it is only now that I have stopped sharing and started to be a bit more pushy even if it seems strange at first.
Saint Stay At Home says
May 17, 2012 at 8:42 amWow! You have deep thoughts on the playground. I’m usually just trying to sneak the goldfish without getting caught.
Great writing!
[email protected] says
July 3, 2012 at 1:35 pmI really like this post. I have 2-year old triplets who are in a unique situation of having to share toys pretty much every minute of the day. I find it’s so much better when they decide to share on there own (with a lot of positive praise) rather than being forced. They are happier with the experience and in return want to share more often.
maryanne @ mama smiles says
February 23, 2015 at 2:12 pmI agree! I have always found it ironic that adults force kids to share when they share almost NOTHING of their own!
Nina says
February 23, 2015 at 8:16 pmI never thought of that, MaryAnne! We hardly make ourselves share, so a bit hypocritical for us to make kids do it.