Do you make your children share when they fight, or because you think it’s polite? Head’s up: See why kids shouldn’t be forced to share.
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I don’t think kids should be forced to share.
My toddler was scooping sand at the park when another two-year-old walked over, stood nearby, and clearly wanted to have a turn with the shovel.
Now, in the past I would’ve felt inclined to encourage my son to share the shovel with the boy. After all, we want to teach generosity and sharing, and another child wanting the shovel seemed like a good opportunity.
But these days, I know better.
Why kids shouldn’t be forced to share
Instead, I told my son, “It looks like he wants to play too. Do you want to take turns scooping the shovel? Maybe you can hand him the shovel so he can scoop, and when he’s done, you can take a turn.”
He obliged, and both boys took turns handing the shovel back and forth as each one finished his turn.
Yes, sharing is good, but we can find better ways to promote this value than by forcing it on them. Doing so can have negative effects, and simply don’t honor their curiosity or encourage social skills.
Take a look at these top reasons why kids shouldn’t be forced to share:
1. Kids are still focused on the activity
Kids should have an opportunity to share when they’re ready instead of being forced. They’re still absorbed and focused on shoveling, playing, building, and exploring. And all because another child wants the same thing.
No wonder kids pout about sharing: they weren’t finished with learning or playing yet.
Imagine playing a game on your phone and your sister walked over, peeking at what you’re doing. Suddenly your husband says, “Okay, hand it over to her now. You have to share.”
Kids are more likely to think that sharing is good when they take the initiative. Otherwise, they’ll think of sharing as a punishment rather than an act of kindness and generosity.
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2. Forced sharing isn’t respectful
One reason I wouldn’t want my toddler to share and give up an item is because I want him to stand up for what’s important to him.
Kids shouldn’t feel like they have to relinquish something they value, simply because someone else wants it. If an item is important to my son, I want him to learn it’s okay to hang on to it. That he shouldn’t always give up what he truly wants, and that others shouldn’t push him around or tell him to keep quiet.
Kids shouldn’t be mean about it, but they should still know that their feelings and wants are valid. If they have enough conviction for something, they should feel like they don’t have to give it up so easily.
When the opportunity to share comes up, I first ask my son if he wants to, rather than taking it away without his consent. This is a simple act of respect—I can’t imagine forcing adults to share without asking. We should give the same respect to children, too.
Learn 3 ways we unintentionally disrespect kids.
3. Kids don’t learn the ability to resolve social conflicts
A downside of forced sharing is denying your child the ability to resolve his own social conflicts.
It’s painful to see kids in conflict because we don’t want their feelings hurt, especially over simple problems. We’re inclined to avoid conflict by forcing one child to share the item with the other even if they don’t want to.
But take a step back and be a moderator or a referee instead, at least initially. Allow them to experience the conflict. As awkward or difficult as it may be, they’ll learn much more from the experience than simply forcing them to share.
See why we shouldn’t resolve our kids’ social conflicts.
4. It’s not about us
Why do we feel like good parenting means forcing kids to share?
One reason is because our parents told us to share in our own childhood. We accept forced sharing as the normal thing to do.
Another is that sharing is a wonderful value to instill in our children, so we think we have to force them to do so when the opportunity comes up.
And finally, we force them to share to save face with others—that we’re not terrible parents with kids who don’t share. As if to tell the other mom, “Oh no, he’s usually an angel. I don’t know why he’s acting this way. This is so not like him!”
The thing is, all these reasons are about us. Because while the intent is good, toddlers are too young to understand the idea of sharing the way we do. To their ego-centric point of view, everything is theirs. So when adults talk about sharing, they get upset and don’t understand why.
What do instead
As I’ve said, sharing itself is obviously a good value and skill to teach our kids. It’s forcing them to do so—and the way we do—that’s the problem.
Still, at some point, your child will face another who will want his turn on the swing or a chance to scoop sand with a shovel. Even with all the reasons you shouldn’t force your child to share, at some point, we still want to encourage them to do so.
If kids shouldn’t be forced to share, what should we do instead?
1. Encourage turn-taking
One of my favorite ways to facilitate more than one child wanting the same thing is through turn-taking. Not all toys or activities are suited for multiple-use or group play. And if they all want a turn at it, then the only way to make it work fairly is through turn-taking.
For instance, if your kids are fighting over a toy, set a timer for each child. The first gets to use it for, say, 10 minutes before handing it to the other.
Even better: Highlight the positive outcomes of turn-taking. See who can make the ball bounce the highest, or how high they can scoop the mountain of sand from their combined efforts.
Tip: Kids usually don’t mind sharing, so long as it’s not right away. If your child is still using the swing even if another wants a turn, say, “You’ve been at the swing for a while now. How about 10 more pushes and then we let another kid have a go?”
2. Let the kids determine how to play together
If you’ve been tempted to get “two of everything” because you have two kids, you might want to rethink that.
Research has shown that scarcity breeds cooperation. Fewer toys means kids are forced to figure out how they can both play with the toy and are more likely to value and take better care of it.
And of course, they’ll learn the best ways to take turns and share, turning a problem into a fantastic learning opportunity.
See how they can use a single toy to better cooperate with one another. Rather than forcing one child to give up a toy because the other wants it, see what solutions they can come up with so they can both get what they want.
3. Phrase sharing in a positive light
Have you noticed how you talk about sharing with your kids?
One child might start whining for her turn with the iPad, to which you respond with, “Share the iPad with your sister already!” Not exactly a positive view of sharing, especially when it sounds like punishment.
Instead, focus on the positive side of sharing. Highlight the times when someone shares with them (“That was so nice of him to give you a turn on the slide!”). And praise them for finding a way to play together (“I love how you’re both using the fire truck together”).
Even if you still need to encourage them to share, you can do so in a positive way. “Looks like he likes your fire truck. Maybe you can show him how it works.”
And lastly, highlight the friendship and social aspects of sharing. If another child approaches yours, you can say, “Looks like you have a new playmate now!” or “Let’s see who can throw the ball the farthest.” Friendships and cooperation—not simply having the toy—become the benefit.
Get more tips on how to teach your child to share.
4. Honor your child’s intentions
If your child doesn’t want to give up the swing, or share the shovel, or hand over the ball… let it go.
He isn’t any worse off for not sharing—he truly isn’t. He might simply be having an off day, or too focused on playing right now. Or he may just want to be alone, or that toy may just be important to him.
All those reasons aren’t bad—they don’t make him any worse than someone who’s in the mood to share and socialize.
Conclusion
Kids shouldn’t be forced to share, especially when they’re still focused on an activity. Forcing them to share can also be disrespectful and denies kids the ability to resolve social conflict. Plus, we often forget that it’s not so much about us as it is guiding them through these situations.
Instead of forcing kids to share, encourage turn-taking so each child can learn to cooperate and share fairly. Let them determine the best ways to both play. Phrase sharing as a positive, not a dreaded punishment.
And if all else fails, honor your child’s intentions—he truly isn’t any worse off because he’s still too focused to share.
That day at the park, my toddler learned how to take turns passing a shovel back and forth with another child. He wouldn’t have learned how to take turns—much less build the cool mountain of sand they made—if I had simply forced him to share.
Get more tips:
- 7 Ways to Teach Your Toddler to Share
- 9 Playground Rules You and Your Kids Should Remember
- How to Help Your Social Child Handle Peer Rejection
- Why You Shouldn’t Solve Your Child’s Social Conflicts
- What to Do When Your Child Refuses to Apologize
Want to learn more about how to help your kids learn how to resolve social conflict (plus other parenting tips you can apply right away)? Join my newsletter and download the bonus chapter of Parenting with Purpose at no cost to you:
An impressive post, I just gave this to a colleague who is doing a little analysis on this topic. And he is very happy and thanking me for finding it. But all thanks to you for writing in such simple words. Big thumb up for this blog post!
@kinderkeepsakes12
Thank you so much for your kind words, and especially for passing the post on to your colleague!
My partner feels the same, he hates the way young kids are expected to share when it’s never expected of adults. We still try to keep things harmonious by use distraction and offering alternatives but think sharing a rather bizarre idea.
Toddlers shouldn’t be expected to share…actually they are developmentally unable to share on their own (without forcing or strong encouragement) until about age 3! So we parents need to relax! They will understand the concept soon enough! Just smile and watch your child grow!
My son (2 1/2) loves to share… but sharing for us doesn’t mean stopping your activity so someone else can do it instead. It means taking turns, or working together to accomplish something. It means one person can use one thing while another uses something else. It means coexisting. It means one cracker each…not giving them all away.
I think it’s all about balance. I don’t expect her to stop her activity and give her toy away but I expect her to allow other children to play with her toys when they come visiting. sharing shouldn’t be only about the here and now but an attitude of courtesy towards other fellow toddlers :-). And I think the sooner they learn it, then easier it will be for them to make friends when they grow up. I don’t agree with “forced sharing” because the kid never learns to do it at his/her own initiative. The stress should be put on the attitude rather than on a random act of sharing, here and there.
Amen, sister! I had to figure my way around this one for a while but soon realized that I don’t always like to share either. And I would totally make J share because it was about relating to the other parents. Now, the thing that I parrot all day long is, “respect the ‘no.’ ” If J wants someone else’s toy, I encourage him to ask “Can I have that please?” and then he has to respect the yes or the no. The harder part for me, for whatever reason, is defending J’s need to say no sometimes. Chalk it up to wanting to be liked, maybe. So it feels like therapy everytime I ask another kid to respect J’s “No.” Coincidentally, I’m learning to respect the “no” too.
“Respect the no”: I love this! We just had a similar episode this morning (albeit not a sharing one) where we had to respect my toddler’s no. He was eating yogurt and surprise, he actually said he was done eating even though there was still a few more bites left. My husband started scooping some up and was about to feed it to him when I stopped him and said, “He already said no.”
I also find that i don’t always respect his no in other ways, and feel like I really need to take a step back whenever he does.
Anyway, I also love how you have to school the other kids on respecting J’s nos. It’s more tiresome but I think in doing so you help him assert himself and stand up for what he wants, even if it means telling other kids no.
I completely agree, if we always encourage our children to put their needs and wants after others how can we expect them to be assertive and take the lead. I was brought up to share and think of others thoughts before myself which has left me needing to gain approval from everyone and be a bit of a wimp – it is only now that I have stopped sharing and started to be a bit more pushy even if it seems strange at first.
Wow! You have deep thoughts on the playground. I’m usually just trying to sneak the goldfish without getting caught.
Great writing!
I really like this post. I have 2-year old triplets who are in a unique situation of having to share toys pretty much every minute of the day. I find it’s so much better when they decide to share on there own (with a lot of positive praise) rather than being forced. They are happier with the experience and in return want to share more often.
I agree! I have always found it ironic that adults force kids to share when they share almost NOTHING of their own!
I never thought of that, MaryAnne! We hardly make ourselves share, so a bit hypocritical for us to make kids do it.
I don’t mind if my eldest doesn’t want to share what he’s busy with but it drives me nuts when he grabs whatever his little brother has. And then loudly proclaims”it’s mine he can’t have it!” (Whether it actually belongs to him or his brother) . Even if he’s happy to sometimes give his brother something to play with as soon as it looks like he’s having fun he wants it back. I really don’t know what to do in this case… intervention feels like force sharing but if I don’t intervene it feels like spoiling my eldest and letting him bully his brother.
It’s definitely a tough situation, Michelle. In the case where you grab what his little brother has, I would definitely put a stop to it, in a kind but firm way. In a way, you’re modeling for both your sons how they should behave. That the eldest can’t just grab something, and that the little one should still get to enjoy the toy he’s playing with.
The same applies to when he shares but takes it back. You want to teach him the integrity of meaning your word. In other words, if he says he’s going to share, he needs to follow through with that. You might say, “It looks like you want to have the toy back and play with it again. But you told brother that he can play with it for a little bit. Why don’t I set a timer for 5 minutes for each of you to take turns and play with it?”