What to Do When Your Child Cries at School Drop Off
It can be heartbreaking when your child cries at school drop off. Learn how to ease their separation anxiety and make the transition smoother for both of you.
I couldn’t get the image out of my head: my son crying on his first day of preschool, trying to wrestle himself out of his teacher’s arms as I said goodbye.
As I stepped into my car, the guilt came in full force. I hated thinking about him crying at school and questioned whether preschool was the right decision. The guilt turned into impatience and frustration, especially when the crying didn’t let up any time soon.
Thankfully, after learning about how I could help him get interested in school, I was able to apply several techniques and saw amazing results, many almost immediately.
No more rushing out the door because my son was so adamant about not leaving. No more clamoring out of the teacher’s arms or tears welling up the minute he knew I was leaving. Drop offs became a seamless, smooth transition to our day.
I hope you’ll find these tips useful, as these parents did:
“Thank you, Nina, for this list of ideas. It was validating to realize I was already doing some, but enlightening to read some that I hadn’t yet considered. Anyway, all that to say- thank you for the tips and the validation!” -Jessica
“Great tips! I didn’t realize I may have done one of these ‘bad’ things when saying goodbye.” -Kristy S.
Table of Contents
Discuss your child’s emotions at home
Sometimes the most effective way to stop the tears starts later in the day: when you get home.
After pick up and when all is calm, talk to your child about her feelings that day. You might say, “You seemed sad when I dropped you off at preschool this morning.”
Allow her to express feelings like scared, angry, hurt, and worried. Remind her that it’s okay to miss you, and let her know that you miss her too and look forward to picking her up from school each day.
And simply listen. Don’t follow up every sentence with a reason why she shouldn’t feel that way. Give her the space to express herself without offering a different point of view.
At the same time, discuss positive emotions she might also have had during the school day. Yes, drop off was rough, but maybe she found new activities she liked or played a fun game in the classroom.
Discussions like these place labels on feelings she’s starting to grasp. This helps her understand that they’re normal and start using words to share how she feels. And most importantly, you’re able to show empathy and understanding about the depth of her frustration.
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Talk about school in a positive way
With your child resisting school even before you leave the house, you might find yourself inadvertently talking about school in a bad way.
But this only confirms his fears and assumptions that school is a place he shouldn’t be. What are a few common ways you might be painting school in a negative light? Avoid saying:
- Dreadful talk about school: “Yay, there’s no school tomorrow!” or “We have to get to school, no matter what!”
- Empty threats: “Don’t cry so much or I’ll take all your toys away.”
- Bribes: “If you put your shoes on, we can get ice cream tonight when I pick you up.”
Highlight the fun activities he gets to do there that he doesn’t do anywhere else. For instance, remind him about the playground he gets to use several times a day, the many books he reads, and the songs and games he plays.
Expert tip
Make his experience at school even more positive with the lunches you pack! Include his favorite meals, snacks, or even special treats for lunch. You can also print a family photo and slip it into his lunch bag as a special surprise.
Give your child a special item
Making that leap into the unfamiliar is difficult for anyone, and more so with kids. One way to help your child adjust to preschool is to give her a special item she can keep during school.
Perhaps it’s her favorite bracelet, one she can fiddle with her fingers when she feels scared or nervous. Or maybe it’s her lovey or small stuffed animal, tucked safely in her backpack, waiting for her at the end of the day. It can even be a special note from you that she can keep in her pocket.
You can also give her one of your items. From a hair clip to an old watch, let her have one of your items during school, with the promise of getting it back at pick up. This not only gives her a piece of you, but reassures her you’ll be reunited later.
Arrive earlier than the other kids
Imagine arriving at a party and everyone is already there. This might be fine if the party included familiar friends and family, but what if you didn’t know anyone? You’d likely feel overwhelmed, nervous, and ready to go home.
Dropping my son off during the school’s busy window meant hearing the bustle of other children settling in. The teacher also had more students and parents to contend with.
But by bringing him to school even a few minutes earlier allowed him to settle in long before the chaos began. He also had his teacher’s attention before most of the children arrived, giving him a chance to feel more comfortable.
If you sense your child is overwhelmed with the morning bustle, drop her off a few minutes earlier. Avoid the rush of the crowds, and instead give her a chance to settle in, chat with her teacher, and adjust before everyone else arrives.
Getting to school earlier will be much easier if you wake up earlier as well. It’s never easy trying to get to school and work on time when you’re rushing out of the house. Give yourself plenty of time to accommodate an earlier drop off.
Guide your child to the first activity
Nothing can feel more awkward than standing in the middle of a room with no idea what to do next. But sometimes, that’s exactly what we do with our kids during drop off. And if your child is unfamiliar with the school’s schedule, she might feel extra anxious not knowing what to do.
For the first few days, guide her to an activity she can do, especially one she enjoys, like puzzles or blocks. By guiding her to a favorite task, you can help her focus on positive activities instead of dwelling on your impending departure.
She’s also able to get excited about her day and feel curious about what’s to come. Rather than worrying about being apart from you, she can get a head start on a fun activity right away.
Ask the teachers what activity she liked best from the last few days. Not only can you guide her to that activity, you can get her excited about it when leaving the house. “I bet you’ll have a lot of fun with the blocks this morning!”
Don’t leave without saying goodbye
Once you’ve settled your child into her first activity, leaving without saying goodbye feels tempting. After all, she seems distracted enough, maybe even enjoying her activity—why tarnish her mood by drawing more tears?
As easy as it is to dash out the door and avoid seeing her cry, don’t. Rather than focusing on the activity or settling in, she’ll look around and wonder where you went. She might spend the rest of the day anxious about where you had gone and why you didn’t say goodbye.
The next morning, she’ll worry whether you’re going to leave without telling her again and struggle even more during future drop offs. Just because you don’t see her cry, that doesn’t mean she isn’t harboring hurt, fear, and anger throughout the day.
Start a fun goodbye tradition you can do with her. Maybe it’s saying the same phrase every day, waving goodbye at the window, or giving her hands a kiss. Check out The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, a fantastic children’s book about easing her separation anxiety.
Keep goodbyes pleasant and brief
What’s your first reaction when your child cries at school drop off? If I had to guess, you might have run to comfort her until she quieted down and stopped crying. Except how we say goodbye—and how long—can send the wrong message.
Comforting her works when you’re spending the day together, but drop offs are different—you can’t be together the whole day.
Lingering until she stops crying sends her mixed signals. On one hand, you tell her she’s in safe hands, but you’re also comforting her as if she’s in an unpleasant situation.
Instead, convey confidence by acknowledging her emotions while reassuring her she’ll be fine. You might say, “I know it can feel scary to be in a new place. Thankfully, your teachers will take good care of you and make sure you have lots of fun.”
And keep drop offs short as well. Attend to the basics, then explain it’s time for you to go. When she begins to cry, remind her she’ll be okay.
Then, here’s the important part: don’t overreact. Don’t come back for a second hug or linger by the door, waving goodbye for ten minutes. Don’t cry alongside her as if there’s no way she’ll enjoy herself without you.
Be conscious of your facial expressions and body language. You might tell her, “You’ll be fine!” but if your face says otherwise, she won’t feel reassured. Soften your face, give a genuine smile, and relax—she’ll understand your face and body language more than any words you say.
Ask the teachers how the rest of the day went
It’s easy to feel guilty after drop offs, especially when the last thing you saw was your child in tears.
But that last scene can be misleading. The truth is, she probably didn’t cry the entire day. In fact, she likely stopped crying a few minutes after you left (and the briefer and more pleasant your goodbye, the quicker she stops!).
Ask the teacher how the rest of the day went and how she coped. If you’re truly concerned, give the school a call once you arrive at work to see how long it took before she finally calmed down. You might find that she ended up enjoying the rest of her day.
Ask the teacher what finally helped your child calm down, and see if they can repeat it in the next few days.
The bottom line
Feeling overwhelmed when your child cries at school drop off is normal, but still understandably frustrating. Thankfully, you now have several actionable steps to take to make your morning routine for school stress-free.
In time, you’ll both adjust to your new normal—no more trying to wrestle out of her teacher’s arms every morning.
Get more tips:
- Helping Your Sad Child Handle Their Feelings
- How to Deal with a Child Who Cries Over Everything
- What to Do When Your Child Doesn’t Want to Go to School
- 4 Things to Consider When Choosing a Preschool
- Preschool Pros and Cons: Should You Send Your Child to Preschool?
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